Victim Double Standards

CN: SA, CSA, domestic violence, corporal punishment

As a child, I was beaten and put down constantly. Anything I did, wore, or liked could be subject to ridicule. Any sign, imagine or real, of disrespect was met with a the buckle of a belt, a shoe or the calloused and hardened hands of my grandma. The people who should have been my protectors were my first abusers. So I grew up with low self-esteem and at 15 attempted suicide. In my late teens, I met my first boyfriend. He’d become my daughter’s father and the reason I deal with PTSD now.

People would ask how I could end up with someone like him. After a lot of therapy and introspection I figured out why. As I child, the messages I received were that I didn’t matter. I wasn’t important and never would be. I deserved the beatings and verbal abuse I got. After years of hearing that and hearing the messages I got from society , I finally understood my worth was very little.

So, this guy comes along and doesn’t call me names. Tells me I matter, well, that was new and I wanted more of it. But the reason he chose me specifically was because I was so starved for love and affirmation. Once I was “his”, he could reveal his true colors. Ok, but why did I stay? Because I had been conditioned since childhood to accept this type of treatment. Who was I to ask why I was beaten? Didn’t I know it was done out of love? I deserved it because I made the abuser angry. I needed to be reminded of the rules and who set them. (Aside: isn’t curious how the reasons people give to justify spanking children are identical to the justifications of spousal abusers?)

I didn’t like it. In fact I fucking hated it. But instead of hating my abusers, I hated myself for being so horrible that people needed to beat me. It was the same message I got as a child. It was just a different person saying it now.

“Oh you can’t blame your childhood! You’re making yourself a victim.” That’s what I was met with when I explained why I stayed.

“He was abused as a child. The abused will abuse.” This was also said simultaneously and no one noticed the double standard.

I was aware of the abuse he endured. He told me in the beginning of the relationship, which I now know was his way of trying to bond with me, to make me easier to manipulate. See, he understood me, I thought. 

So, why is it that I can’t say my childhood made me an easier target for abuse but he can justify his abuse of me with the abuse he endured as a child? Why is one OK and the other not?

Since news broke that Milo Yiannopoulos was uninvited from CPAC and the release of his book was cancelled over his comments regarding pedophilia, I have seen several people try to defend him. I’m not linking to anything by that guy. You can google him yourself. It’s bad enough he’s even being mentioned here but for the purposes of this post, he has to. One defense, I saw over and over was that Milo was a victim of CSA. The reasoning of “the abused will abuse” shows up again.

It’s very unfortunate that he lived through that. No one, I mean no one, no matter how much I hate them and their beliefs, deserves to be abused in that way. But having a fucked up childhood is not a justification for being an abusive adult. And yes, his transmisogyny, racism, sexism is all abuse.

Hearing that “the abused will abuse” made me think I would eventually become a monster. It would be inevitable that I would become like my abuser. While I know it isn’t true it’s still scares me.

The powerful or the privileged (or their supporters) can say , ‘I had a bad childhood” and all is forgiven. The marginalized and weak say, “I also had a bad childhood” and they’re met with derision. Ask yourself why that is.

Victim Double Standards
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Dating Immodesty

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A Mandesty reader sent this in and I realized that dating sites are a great place to find men who need to learn of Modesty for Men.

This fellow above is a perfect example of the type of man I mean. These men post seductive pictures and then complain women don’t respect them and only want sex. Men, how do you expect to find a woman “with substance” if you’re displaying yourself like a piece of antelope ass? How do you expect hungry lions women to handle that kind of pressure?

Honestly, I blame the fathers. They’re out there modeling this behavior so their sons think it’s perfectly normal.

It’s a damn shame.

Dating Immodesty

Clothed Immodesty

Readers, many men think that by simply covering up, they’re engaging in Mandesty. Unfortunately, that is not the case. As we’ve discussed before Modesty is also about your attitude and how you carry yourself. But Modesty is also about WHAT you wear.

Sir, those pants are too tight! Please, think of your future children and let that area breath!

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What is going on with those sleeves?

 

Here we have the reverse problem. OK pants, but the shirt, sir. That V-neck isn’t modest. No one will look at your eyes.

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What is the point of suspenders?
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Why bother wearing clothes at all, young man?!

As we all know, mainstream media isn’t immune from immodesty.

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Captain America: Immodest Soldier

Oh Mr. Rogers…this isn’t the American way at all.

Clothed Immodesty

Modesty, Eh?

Modesty isn’t just about the way you dress. Modesty is also about your attitude and how you carry yourself.

So let’s talk about Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

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Back when Trudeau became PM, I saw my Facebook feed explode with how good-looking this guy is. Politicians should be serious people, not inspire unclean thoughts in millions of women.

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Is this dignified behavior?

Back in 2011, Justin Trudeau performed a striptease for charity. So, he took his clothes off for money. Do you know what we call that?

Trudeau used to be a boxer. 

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Why is he still in office? Look at how he’s showing off!

Look here at how hard he tries to show he is more than just a pretty face. It must be tough to have people be surprised that a handsome man is also intelligent. He should have thought of that before playing up to the cameras.

Yes, we have talked about smiling. A smile is the best thing a man can wear, second only to modest dress. But, just like certain clothing can make a man look like a slut, so too can too much smiling.

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Anybody who smiles this much is in dealings with Satan.
Modesty, Eh?

Mandesty is the sacrifice I’m willing to make

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Readers, I admit I had a hard time writing this post. This young man’s facial expressions and hand placement communicated many impure thoughts to me. I needed to pray for guidance. Jesus told me continue on my mission of battling immodesty in men.

It’s a very big sacrifice but I am willing to make it.

Mandesty is the sacrifice I’m willing to make

Blonde Ambition Leads to Blonde Immodesty

Alexander Skarsgård is making headlines for appearing pantless at the 2016 MTV Movie Awards. It is no surprise that MTV  would allow this stunt since at the 2014 MTV Movie Awards Zac Efron stripped his shirt off after accepting an award for “Best Shirtless Performance”.

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Was leaving Sweden worth the sins of Hollywood, Alex?

I’ve told Adam Levine and Ricky Martin to rely on their talents and not their bodies. But what can Alexander do? Alexander Skarsgård has made his living off immodesty. I know because I’ve watched all 7 seasons of True Blood several times (for Mandesty research purposes, of course). That show also features fellow immodest man Joe Manganiello.

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Put a shirt on! What would wife Sofia Vergara say?!

 

 

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Season 6 Finale of TB. Shameful! Reading is best enjoyed fully clothed.
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Alexander will also star in Tarzan.

It is a real shame that men feel this is the right way to fame. This isn’t cute, Alex. Show us you’re more than just a piece of meat. How do you say immodest in Swedish?

 

Blonde Ambition Leads to Blonde Immodesty

(Im)pure Imagination

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We’ve discussed tattoos and body hair before. What we haven’t discussed is how posing can lead to immodest thoughts.

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These men think they’re being clever with a well placed hand, or slightly turned hip. I still know what you’re hiding!

You know how horror movies are best when they don’t show a lot of gore because what you imagine is far scarier than what they can show you? Same basic principle. My mind is reeling from all the thoughts I’ve had looking at these.

 

(Im)pure Imagination