I’m going to be honest, while I and TJ have benefited greatly from gentle parenting, it is also triggering as hell. I wrote about choosing to be a gentle parent. But it has not been easy.
As mentioned in my post about my inner child, gentle parenting is like parenting myself. And while it is rewarding, it’s also a bit triggering. Why? I’ll explain. See, as a child I wasn’t allowed to have feelings, really. Crying got me chastised. “What are you crying about? I’ll give you something to cry about”. I could not show anger at the treatment I received. The adults were just doing what was best for me, according to them.
My caretakers were strict disciplinarians and I had to show complete obedience, or else. No matter how arbitrary the rules were, I had to comply. It made me into a total control freak, to be honest. It still manifests today. I need to have things in a certain order or done by a certain time because I feel like a failure. This need to have control was brought on by the fact that as a child I had no control. So now I try to exert any control I have. But that can be damaging. Especially when it relates to child rearing.
It’s just not feasible or reasonable to expect total obedience from a child. Kids will be “disrespectful” sometimes. They won’t listen sometimes. It’s just a fact of life. Being a gentle parent is hard, because my first instinct is to yell or ground TJ for not doing something exactly the way I said or wanted. For example, for the longest time I expected TJ to keep their room in a certain order. If they didn’t, I would ground them. They have ADHD though so eventually I realized that I cannot expect their brain to work like mine, so as long as they keep their room clean, I no longer care in what order toys are put away.
As mentioned in the inner child post, there was an incident with food. And that triggered my food insecurity trauma. But I do not want to force TJ to eat something they don’t like or want. So, I had to excuse myself while I gathered my thoughts and feelings. Why was I feeling so angry? I realized it was because I was resentful and a bit jealous.
Why weren’t the adults in my life willing to learn to be gentle? Why did they beat me? Why yell? Why does TJ get a gentle, considerate parent and I didn’t? Was I not good enough?
Obviously, it had nothing to do with me. I didn’t deserve the abuse I got. No one does. And I don’t resent TJ, when I do feel resentful it’s because there is a wound there I haven’t yet processed.
There have been times where my patience has been wearing thin and I get so angry. Not at TJ, I have to stress, never am I resentful or angry at TJ for my own trauma. But damn, if it isn’t hard sometimes. Once I calm down I always mourn for the childhood and adulthood I could have had had the adults in my life been safe.
But I try not to dwell on that and instead focus on how I can avoid the mistakes of the past and be a better parent for TJ. Intergenerational trauma is a huge thing and all that bad bullshit ends with me.
Raising children is never easy. However, if we are too harsh, it will scare the children, and if we indulge, they will be spoiled. So I have to consult a lot of places to do.
Raising a child is like making a sculpture out of clay. We are not aware of the work or damage we have done until it is done. I also believe that I am a product of control freak parents so I have turned out to be the same way.
My caregivers are strictly disciplined people and I must show complete obedience, or else. No matter how arbitrary the rules are, I have to follow them. very philosophical and profound, I have also experienced such upbringing
The parenting method you share is very good and useful. The article is very interesting and worth learning for parents!