First, check out this post by Misandry Angie about self doubt and chronic illness.
Read it? Good.
Now I’m about to get personal.
Medically, I am what is officially known as a “hot mess”. Fibromyalgia, depression. general anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, sound sensitivity/misophonia, ADD, sleep apena, and to top it off, Borderline Personality Disorder.
It’s so much fun. I’d party, but I’m too damned tired. (and no, I’m not looking for suggestions. Not the point of this post. I have a gang of doctors and a therapist. I have legal people helping me in the long process of filing for disability. I’m handling shit)
Some days, the ‘good days’, I almost doubt my “Hot Mess” status. “Hey, I got up and am just a little sore. I don’t feel like a total failure who should run into traffic. I might even leave the house today. Am I really that sick?”
And that gets me into trouble every single time. Because if I start to doubt, then I start worrying that I’m actually a big ol’ fraud. That sure, I can look for a job right now and work and be productive and not a leech on society. Go you!
…and then the next day, or ever the next hour passes, and something breaks. I’m tired because I went outside among people. Something happened and suddenly my okay mood spirals downward and I feel so worthless that I have to make myself sit down before I do something to myself. Suddenly I’m nervous and shaky for no real reason, or for a silly reason, like my cat hopped off my desk and went for a nap, therefore he doesn’t like me anymore.
It comes back to me then. The hot mess-ness that is me. The fact that I can type shit that people like and that makes sense when I can’t speak. It’s hard, cats and kittens.
It’s hard to live in a world where your worth is based on what you can produce. It leaves people like me feeling worthless, and it leaves society thinking that we deserve less. A pittance, tossed out like yesterday’s crumbs. Not even the bare minimum to survive.
Because thinking that you’re a fraud sucks, but having society thinking it too is even worse.