CN: depression, anxiety, ideations
Brain Weasels. My term for when my brain starts trying to destroy the rest of me. Depression, Anxiety, Trauma, fear of being alone and also fear of alienating others, all shove in and start making a mess of things. They ruin my sleep schedule, fuck up my ability to do things, and the thoughts of self-destruction go from just being in the back of my mind to chittering in my ears.
At least at home, I only have the pills to think about. Outside, there’s stepping out in front of a bus, running into traffic, plowing the car into a pole or a tree or off a bridge.
To put it in tl:dr form: Niki’s a little fucked up right now.
It’s funny as fuck to be in this situation, just in time to finally get a date for my disability hearing. I want to write a personal statement to add to my medical records, etc. One that shares how hard it is to live with a brain that fires off competing ideas that cancel each other out.
Shit like “Hey, you have things to do!” versus “Nothing you do matters.”
Shit like “You should share this with people” versus “No one gives a shit about you.”
Shit like “This constant sleeping shit is boring as hell” versus “You have no energy to do anything else”
It’s hard. It’s been so hard. My GP assured me that everything was going to be fine, my psychiatrist wanted to admit me into the hospital; I spent half of my shrink’s appointment crying my eyes out and the other going over my ‘crisis plan’. I’m scared to leave the house.
…well, okay, leaving the house is always a huge deal for me, but fuck, I haven’t escorted in WEEKS. Way to go, repro rights activist. Way to fucking go.
Why am I regaling you all with what’s going on in my head? I dunno. It’s almost 3AM right now and I should be sleeping and maybe I needed to get it all down. Maybe I felt you all needed an update, since I haven’t even been in the right state of mind to really get angry enough at the world to write a post.
Who knows? I’m still here, though.
Here’s a funny nope gif. Hope you enjoy it.