(Disclaimer That I Shouldn’t Have To Make, But To Shut Up the Choir Pedantic: These are my observations and experiences of my own life. They are not universal. They are not condemnations on your life. If it ain’t about you, DON’T MAKE IT ABOUT YOU.)
Since my entire opinion of Baltimore can be described as continuous screaming, I’m gonna address that thing I said I was going to address before that burned my biscuits last week.
So, to continue the analogy from my previous post:
“I don’t like sweet potatoes.”
“Have you tried this recipe or this method or this type?”
“No seriously, I’m not interested.”
“Have you try eating them correctly?”
Is that makes no sense to you, then why does this make any more sense:
“I’m not into sex.”
“Have you tried this position or with this partner or this kink?
“No, seriously, I’m not interested”
“Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
Both are presumptive things to say to anyone. Both are bullshit.
Here’s two more examples:
“I’m going vegan!”
“Well, I enjoy meat still”
“I’m gonna have all of the meat you’re not having!”
“Bacon bacon bacon!”
“What? You form emotional connections before pants feels? Do you think you’re better than me?”
“That’s not a real orientation, you special snowflake!”
Both responses are also bullshit. Now I’ve mention my asexuality before, and I’ve been very critical of sex-positivity that doesn’t allow for “no, not ever” to be a viable option. I’ve read comments of people treating my sexuality as some sort of personal judgement against them.
I say this with all of the love in my heart: This shit isn’t about you.
The vegan isn’t not eating meat at you. I’m not Not eating sweet potatoes at you. I’m not lacking in sexual attraction at you. The demi isn’t having their feelings at you. My sexuality isn’t about you.
I’m so very, very sorry that folks lack the imagination to guess how ace/gray/demi sexualities work, but that isn’t our fucking problem. We exist anyway. You can’t imagine how one can be romantically attracted to someone without pants feelings? You can’t think of how someone might not feel pants feelings until a romantic bond has formed. I pity your lack of imagination. We exist anyway.
(Dear fuck me, don’t meet someone who is aromantic and involved with someone. I fear your heads might explode)
You don’t have to ‘understand us’ to accept us.
I’m disappointed at so-called “sex-positive” stances that apparently don’t have room for “no thanks, please” as an option. My sexuality isn’t a commentary on yours. My fears of assault and hate because of my sexuality, because of my gender, because of my race are just as real as someone who experiences sexual attraction.
Shit, hearing people try to dismiss asexuality because of the societal expectation of abstinence until marriage make me want facepalm forever. If you’d just think for a moment, think about how once we’re adults, the exception is that sex is going to happen, and it’s expected, especially in romantic relationships, and see how downright ‘deviant’ it seems to say “that doesn’t do it for me”. How you’re not believed. How it’s assumed you’re not doing “it” right. How you are a puzzle to be fixed. I’m not saying that my concerns are more important, it’s not a competition, but fucking hell, none of you have the right to dismiss my concerns.
You want to try to understand? Ask us. Ask more than one of us (respectfully. We don’t have to parrot our sexual histories to justify ourselves to you). You’d be fucking amazed at the variety under our little umbrella. How some ace folks are poly. How some are into kink. How some are in relationships with allosexuals (that’s our term for you) and are happy. How some are sex-repulsed, others are sex-neutrals, and others are porn watching smut peddlers (…that would be me). How some aces don’t mind having sex with their bodies for a myriad of reasons that have jack all to do with “sexual attraction”. How difficult it is to date when you’re demi or gray-A or ace.
There is nothing more disheartening than to hear people who expect their sexualities to be respected and honored making a joke out of us. My sexuality isn’t a joke. It’s not a failure to fuck properly. It’s not abstinence. It’s not society telling me that “good girls don’t”. It is, quite simply, a lack of sexual attraction.
Sounds weird to you? Okay.
You know what sounds weird to me? Oral.
Good question, title!
The “Femin” part should be fairly obvious. I’m a cis lady, who occasionally likes to get all femmy’d up. Thanks to fibro, and depression, topped with the shit cherry that is anxiety, I don’t leave my house very often, unless it’s to see the doctor or stand witness to the Merry Band of Morons, or dinner with my partner, but when I do, I sometimes like to get all dressy, put on makeup, maybe wear a dress.
And that used to be a thing I didn’t do for myself for a long time, and it just felt silly. Now, it’s for me, and here’s why:
That “-ace” part?
…and this asexual pirate stopped giving a fuck about doing her pretty for anyone else the moment she came out. I feel so much more confident now, like knowing myself better. I’ll spare you all the long drawn out story of how I came to here, but let’s just say I spent a lot of years going down the wrong road.
Or the wrong way down the road? I don’t know.
So, it’s Asexual Awareness Week, and now you’re aware of at least one asexual in your life. Good for you 🙂