There are just some things in life, especially in our frail human lives that are just necessary, like air food, water, shelter, clothing. Other things are also very critical to survival, real and perceived safety, relationships with other people, happiness, and human interaction.
Happiness is absolutely a necessity. I know this because as someone who deals with the lows of depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, chronic pain, and chronic illness (both mental and physical), I need happiness. I need to feel that spark of light. Sometimes it goes out again, but the warmth stays a while, it lingers. Sometimes that spark of light ignites a fire within you – a nice soft warm fire, or a big hot raging one. No matter which, that warmth and that happiness can pull you out of some dark places. Or at least it has for me.
As someone that struggles with suicidal ideation and urges to self harm, happiness is so important. Feeling cared about and loved even when I can’t love myself, or even bear to be myself, to exist; is necessary to not only my mental health and physical well-being but also to my continued survival. Especially when I can’t love myself, having someone else care is so fucking important.
I am happy. I feel genuinely happy, and it feels great. It feels old but familiar like riding a bike. This is just good. “Dying is easy; Living is harder.” Existing is hard, the bad pain days are hard. The loneliness is hard, the self hatred is hard. I have done a lot of hard work to get to where I am. I have fought every step of my journey. I am proud to be here where I am now – who I am now. Sure I have self hate, societal pressures, unreasonable expectations thrust upon me, but fuck I am happy.
Right now in this moment, I am happy and it feels awesome. When I have been stewing in darkness and pain for so long, this feels like surfacing for air, after swimming for so long to reach the top. You are tired, exhausted, wanting to give up, and you take that gasp of air and then fall back down. You push back up, again and again, trying to gain what strength you can from resurfacing. Then a hand, and a person, and a face, appear and help you up. You can rest a while. Fuck, I am tired.
So tired of fighting to exist every day. So tired of hating myself, of wishing I weren’t alive. Sometimes I am in so much physical pain that I rather wished I was dead. Death can’t hurt ‘cause you’re gone. Like to be in that dark of a place, even for a short while. Is very fucking hard, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel pretty fucked up afterwards. I am tired and I feel heavy, the thoughts of before of wishing I was dead than be in pain any longer, they are heavy. They linger and twist what is going on around me.
In this moment though. I am happy. Even when the darkness comes, as it will again, as it always does, I know that these moments happen. That there is happiness, there is love, there are reasons to keep going. That spark of light is one of those reasons. That touch of something better keeps me going. Keeps me fighting as it has for so long. As it hopefully will until I am taken by Death, whom I am really hoping is the Neil Gaiman ‘Sandman’ Version. They would be rad to chill with.
Thank you for these moments, thank you for caring. Thank you for being consistent, for being here, on the good days and the bad. Thank you for putting up with me, on my bad days and the good. Thank you for telling me you won’t give up on me or leave. More importantly thank you for showing that, you are still here. I am still here. Thank you for being yourself, every day and in every way.
I am happy. In this moment there is light. I am eternally grateful for these moments. I don’t think I will ever get to repay you or anyone for them, but I will sure try to pay it forward, even if not to them to someone. To as many people as possible. No one deserves to feel alone, unwanted, unloved. Humans need happiness, we need that light, otherwise things like depression and loneliness rob us of our lives. Quite literally as well as figuratively.
I have had so many days that were not a life worth living. Having to struggle to have meaning my life, having to acknowledge the parts of life that make things this hard, so I can work on them, so I can get past them. So I can heal. So I can live, and love and be me. The real me all the time. Not the persons broken and hurt, robbed of so much. I can give us all what we need. We just have to keep fighting. I know the bad days seem to always outnumber the good ones or even mediocre days. However they are still there and they are so perfect, powerful, and wonderful.
So fucking powerful. You give me power, power that has been taken from me so many times. I am allowed to be myself and be cared about and maybe even loved. Not in spite of myself, but because of myself. Who I am matters, who we are matters. I matter. As hard as it is for me to believe, I would never call you a liar, which means I matter. I have worth, I am cared about. This gift, this happiness is so powerful and wonderful and was so needed and I didn’t even know.
I didn’t realize until 2017 at 28 years old that happiness is kind of a fucking integral part of life and something that everyone needs. Talk about a revelation, I hope this very huge thing makes a difference and makes the fighting easier. I will keep fighting to live, to exist, to care – enthusiastically, loudly, and unashamed.
I only hope I can give you a sliver of what you have given me, I feel like the luckiest person on the earth. To go from feeling so small that you rather wished you would disappear, to feeling this overwhelming warmth and happiness that I just want to share with everyone. People don’t just deserve happiness, we need it to live, to thrive, and to make it. Some of us more than others.
Thank you. My life and who I am will be forever changed by what an amazing person you are.