“You matter”

You always see posts asking you what you would say to your child self. What advice would you give to teenage you? I usually reply with a joke but I’ve been thinking what would I have needed when I was a child that could have prevented at least some of the hurt I’ve gone through.

I needed someone to tell me I mattered. Someone to tell me my value didn’t lie in my appearance or intelligence. Someone to stand up for me when certain family members made fun of my weight or art projects. I needed someone to nurture my creativity and curiosity.

I needed someone to tell me morality had nothing to do with food. I needed someone to validate me when I protested my brothers being fed more than me or being let off the hook for behavior that would have gotten me in trouble.

I needed someone to introduce me to the words sexist and feminism. I needed someone who didn’t make fun of my interests.

I needed someone to tell me being pretty wasn’t a goal.

I needed to know someone cared about me.

To my teenaged self,

Life is pretty rough. It’ll get rougher. Actually, just when you think it can’t get any worse, it will. And surprisingly, you’ll always manage to get through it. But you don’t have to do it alone. Let people help you, ask for help. You’re strong, yes. But you aren’t Wonder Woman. Trusting people is hard. But you manage to learn how to tell who’s trust worthy and not. Trust your gut more.
No is a complete sentence.
Feed yourself when you’re hungry.
Your thoughts and opinions matter.
You aren’t defined by your mental illness.
You’ll be wrong sometimes but that doesn’t change that you are a person with worth.
Be the geekiest geek who ever geeked. The nerdiest nerd who ever nerded. In a few years all the stuff you were made fun of for liking will be cool. Then you can have smug superiority over all those poser losers.
Don’t ever lose your ability to laugh.
Have I mentioned trust your gut more? Because you should.
Embrace your feminism more.
For fucks sake, stop being such a chill girl.
Misandry
Finally, no is a complete sentence and trust your instincts. They’re good instincts and so are you.

“You matter”
{advertisement}

THE VALUE OF FICTION

Growing up, my parents encouraged me to read. I have memories of my parents working with me through Polish workbooks. I have memories of my parents reading, and reading to me. One of my fondest memories is working my way through the Hobbit with my dad. He would read one page and I would read the other.

Years later, on very lucky evenings, my father would read from the tales of Sinbad the Sailor as our family sat around in rapt attention.

When we moved to Ontario, it was one of the hottest summers on record at the time. Our new home didn’t have air conditioning, which my elderly grandmother couldn’t handle very well. We would walk to the library just a short distance from our house. Gran would peruse through the small stock of Polish books, while I explored.

I think my real obsession with books started that summer.

As I got older, books became a lifeline. I didn’t have a lot of friends at school. I spend many recesses bored and lonely, until I discovered that I could bring my own books to read outside. When things got difficult to handle, I would escape to books. When I was exhausted from my busy schedule, I would relax by reading. When I was finished with school work ahead of the rest of the class, I could read secretly under my desk.

Eventually, the same people who encouraged me to read voraciously started despairing of my choice of literature. I was encouraged to read Shakespeare, Joyce, Homer, basically anything deemed to be “the classics”. The fantasy I was reading was called worthless by people who themselves enjoyed reading.

What benefit is there to stories that are made up, which take place in a purely imaginary world? On the surface fiction might appear to be nothing more than entertainment. After all, how can stories that have no facts be of any use?

It’s never been difficult for me to see the benefits of reading even the most fantastical of stories. Books of seemingly little value have had varied essential roles in my life.

Some were very practical.

As a young girl growing up in an immigrant family and community, where everyone around me spoke a language different than that of the country we lived in, books were essential in helping me learn to speak English.  When my parents enrolled me in a French school, books helped me develop enough language skills in English to communicate with people in the English city I lived in.

Some roles were more therapeutic in nature.

It helped alleviate loneliness, and later, helped me maintain some sense of balance and composure when I was overwhelmed. They gave me a place to escape to mentally when I couldn’t escape physically. They kept me grounded until I could change my circumstances. Books helped me maintain hope that someday I would feel less alone, that I would find “my people”. It would just have to wait till I went out into the world, just like it often did for many heroes.

Eventually reading in itself became a way to meet people. What better way to start off a new friendship or relationship than bonding over stories that had a profound impact on your life. “What are you reading?” is a great ice breaker.

Reading helped me develop more social skills. I always had a hard time relating to my peers, but books provided me with social scripts for different situations. Stories helped me understand human nature and human psychology. Different books, different characters, different situations, they all provide different insights into the human psyche. You learn about the author through their voice, looking at exaggerated situations in a fantastical setting can help you recognize patterns and apply them to your own life.

Even in worlds with magic, there are often parallels to our own world we can relate to: corrupt politicians, family drama and misunderstandings, abusive dynamics and their possible consequences. Books teach us to think more about the shades of grey to help us see the whole picture and not just the black and white outlines. They teach us not to take things at face value and look below the surface. They teach can teach us that villains can be victims too, and that not all heroes are heroes. They teach us that everyone has worth.

Fantasy stories, those that featured magic and real gods and goddesses, are actually what made me start to question religion. Not because the stories were atheist, many of them were quite the opposite in fact, but rather because the stories encouraged critical thinking. In stories, the skeptic almost always ended the story by being “proved wrong to not have believed”. Interestingly enough however, a lot of the questions asked by those self-same characters informed my own questioning. Unlike in those stories, including those in the bible, the proof never came. In fact questions only seemed to spark more questions.

Teaching through narrative is a tradition whose origin is lost in the annals of history. The mythology of religions is a prime example of that, where magical creatures are used to gain some understanding of the world around us. In many religious texts, the prophet or savior teaches using parables or stories. Regardless of their veracity, they served as instruction.

Many cultures feature an oral tradition of sharing stories

Stories allow us to demonstrate difficult concepts, in a way that is easier to grasp. Take the Hunger Games and the ways many people have begun viewing current events through the lens of this trilogy to notice the same oppressive patterns being repeated in our own societies. Stories allow us to present the realities of privilege and oppression in a way that generates less defensiveness but still encourages the reader to draw those parallels.

Stories are a force for social change and our society knows this. Why else have totalitarian governments and organizations banned books throughout the years?

Books like Shadowshaper, where author Daniel Jose Older weaves discussions and examples of racism, sexism, gentrifications, seamlessly into a compelling urban fantasy.

Books like 1984 that warn us of the problems of sanctioned government spying for the sake of “security”.

Books like Harry Potter that discuss the importance of combating evil and the pervasiveness of xenophobia.

Reading is also what started me writing. So often I would find myself reimagining a story and modifying a character, or some part of a story would set my imagination soaring. Sometimes, I was out of new stories or told to take a break from reading. When that happened, I entertained myself by writing me own.

Writing fiction helped me explore facets of my own personality and identity in a safe way. Writing a bisexual character helped me discover my own queerness. Writing about gender non-conforming heroines helped me process how I experience my own gender. In the same way that stories featuring characters with similar struggles also helped me work through those issues.

Fiction might be nominally made up stories, but they contain a different sort a truth. One which is less about when things happened, but rather about why they may have happened and how.

THE VALUE OF FICTION

Resolutions and My Mother's Bike

For 2016, I am hoping to spend more of my time writing. I am particularly interested in working on and even finishing some various fiction projects.  I want to write more stories, both short and long, produce more blogposts, and generally get in the habit of writing a lot every day. Writing is like a muscle, it needs exercise.

Among these projects are:

1. Hunting Blackbirds: the first book in a series set in a world where people are divided into three categories and which one you belong to determines how human you are. It explores issues of racism, ableism, sexism and oppression. Total written: 46, 382

  1. The Tsarina and the Wizard: a retelling of a Slavic/Ukrainian myth about a beautiful Tsarina imprisoned by a heartless wizard. Explores queer themes, and gender bends rolls. Total Written: 687
  2. Cassandra Prophetess of Troy: a retelling of the story of Cassandra that plays with the idea of what prophecy is and what it means not to be believed.
  3. Beauty and the Beast: What if beauty was the beast? And what if there is more to the story than we really know.
  4. Book 2 of Hunting Blackbirds: Where I explore what happens after the hunt.

One of the best gifts I received this Christmas is from my sister. It is a writing prompt book make up of 642 things to write about. I plan on working my way through the book this year, working on at least one prompt a day. Some of them probably won’t generate much, some might produce stories, but some might end up as blog posts. To that effect I start with my first one, written before midnight, because why put off something good.

Write about something that was stolen:

I went to a high school that was about one and a half km from home. Deemed close enough to walk, and it was. I would walk to school every morning and walk back in the evening. Sometimes, if it was raining, or particularly bad weather, or I was running late, my parents would give me a ride to school. I didn’t particularly like walking, especially as my book bag got heavier and heavier. My joints would ache all the time, and whenever I brought it up the answer was always the same. I was out of shape I needed to lose weight. Except even when I was going to the gym regularly, I still found I had the same problem. Back problems ran in my family, so I didn’t understand why it was so impossible that there was something really wrong with mine.

Finally I came up with a solution that would work for me. My mother had an old Raleigh bike that she had had for I think something like a decade. It had come with us from Saskatoon. They had gotten me a great bike for my birthday, but were worried about it getting stolen, so they told me to take the old bike. I loved that thing. It spelled freedom for me in so many ways. Because I could rest my backpack on the seat, my back didn’t hurt as much. Moreover, because I could ride much faster than I could walk, it gave me more time to myself. I could take the long way home and have a few moments when I didn’t have to face anyone else.

I didn’t have to meet expectations, I didn’t have to perform, I could just be me alone, riding my bike. I don’t know how many stories and fantasies I played out in my mind during those rides. The benefit of the bike was so great, that even when I walked with friends, I would still bring the bike with me.

While at school, I would lock up the bike next to the cafeteria door. The lock I had wasn’t great. Sometimes it would come undone for no reason, even when I was sure I had locked it. But still, I was lucky. Even when it unlocked, it was ok. I would lock the bike next to the cafeteria, except of rare occasions when something kept me from it. A cluster of wasps that made it impossible for me to lock it there, or perhaps too many other students were there with their bikes. When that happened, the only chain-link that would work for a lock was closer to the street.

It was on one of these occasions that my freedom was stolen from me. The lock had come undone and someone took advantage of the opportunity. My beautiful red and white bike, my mother’s Raleigh, was stolen. And I was devastated.

Now years later, I don’t have a bike. I can’t ride the same way I used to. The damage to my hip is extensive enough that I would need a custom bike to make sure I didn’t injure myself. Now more than ever though, I miss that mobility. I find it harder to move more and more. The aches in my joints, not as bad as when I had my real problem, are still becoming more pronounced. I should say something to my doctors, but I’m afraid, because this time I know I’m fat. But what can I do? I go swimming twice a week as much as I can. I even have a swim buddy to stay accountable. My energy levels are so depleted between the depression, the constant anxiety over money, the increase in pain over the last several months.

I’ve started using the motorized carts at the stores. I feel guilty every time I do. I feel like I am failing somehow, like it is the ultimate proof that I’m a lazy fat-ass. But I do it, because the alternative is that I come home so depleted, that my whole day is eaten up by one errand. I can’t afford that.

I wish sometimes that I could have one of those scooters at home. Then I could spend more time, exploring my neighbourhood. Maybe it would be easier to take the dogs outside more regularly. Explore the city a bit more. I can’t afford it though, and I’m scared to ask my doctor about it, because I don’t want to hear again about how all my problems are just caused by my weight. And so, sometimes I dream of my mother’s bike.

***************************************************************************************************************************

Support Us on Patreon
Help Support Alyssa and Ania in their writing. Support us on Patreon. You can donate as little as $1 a post, and set a monthly budget so you never go over.

Every little bit helps, and Patrons get to read along with Ania’s fiction as it’s written. 

Resolutions and My Mother's Bike