Lovecraft Letters: Steamy Farmer

Below the fold…

“why so angry? Does this angry aggressive dismissive approach work? I mean, if you are interested in meeting someone, I’d think you’d give things a chance. Out of 100’s of openers from your competition I’ve never ever had someone open with ‘what are you looking for?’ regardless, do you really think you are that much of a hot shit (even with your two kids) that you unmatch so readily? I’m a total stranger and yet you are so quick to judge? You might want to change your approach if you actually want to meet someone. Maybe practice what you preach? Do as I say, not as I do? No wonder your husband put your ass out to pasture”

 

YOUR ANGER PERPLEXES ME. I HAVE FARMED MANY EMOTIONS AND KEEP A VARIETY OF HEIRLOOM STRAINS OF ANGER, RESENTMENT, CONFUSION, AND GENERAL ASSHATTERY ON ROTATION ON MY EMOTION FARM, BUT YOURS…YOURS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. YOU APPROACH ME WITH WHAT WOULD SEEM AT FIRST GLANCE TO BE CURIOSITY, BUT I KNOW BETTER. I HAVE FARMED MANY EMOTIONS AND I KNOW OVERWEENING PRIDE WHEN I SEE IT. YOU, MY DEAR, HAVE A SERIOUS CASE OF FECAL PYROCEPHALY. YOU ARE WELCOME FOR THE DIAGNOSIS. IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU AS AN EMOTION FARMER. ONE MUST FIRST BECOME AWARE THAT THEY THINK THEY ARE HOT SHIT BEFORE THEY CAN ADDRESS THIS ILLNESS. TRUST ME, YOU ARE NOT HOT SHIT. I CAN TELL FROM HERE THAT YOU ARE NOT EVEN 10% SHIT BY VOLUME. AS A FARMER OF RENOWN AND REPUTE, I AM INTIMATELY ACQUAINTED WITH THE NUANCES AND VAGARIES OF SHIT, AND YOU, MY LADY, ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT SHIT, HOT OR OTHERWISE.

DO YOU JUDGE ME, CORRESPONDENT? YOU ARE HASTY. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY MAJESTY. MY EMOTION FARM PROVIDES THE CHOICES FEELINGS TO ALL OF SNAPCHAT. I SELL MY EXCESSES TO ROBOTS IN PERU, THAT THEY CAN FINALLY EXPERIENCE ENNUI JUST LIKE THEIR HUMAN MASTERS. YOU ARE UNWISE TO DISMISS ME SO READILY. I, FOR ONE, AM THE HOTTEST OF SHIT, A VERITABLE HEAP OF THE CHOICEST, MOST RADIANT DUNG THAT HAS EVER GRACED THE FERTILIZER HILLS OF AN EMOTION FARM. TO EXPERIENCE MY FRAGRANCE IS TO EXPERIENCE SHIT NIRVANA AND WATCH YOUR SPINE SLIDE OUT OF YOUR ANUS TO ESCAPE LEST THE SUBLIME MAJESTY OF MY SHIT-STINK CAUSE YOUR NERVES TO MELT. YET YOU DARE TO DEEM ME UNWORTHY BEFORE A SINGLE WHIFF. NAY, IT IS I, STEAMING PILE OF DIVINE SHIT, WHO JUDGES YOU.

DO YOU THINK YOURSELF SPECIAL BECAUSE YOUR BROOD INCLUDES TWO KIDS AND AN ASS? YOUR BABY GOATS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE RARE ARTISANAL EMOTIONS I BRING FORTH FROM THE EARTH ITSEL—WHOAH THERE, IS THAT A TAHITIAN VOLCANOSPRINTER? AND A BOLIVIAN BUNGLESMARMUS? AND THAT ASS—A DJIBOUTI DUNKER? I AM IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS AND I HAVE BEEN UNKIND. IT IS AN HONOR TO BE IN YOUR ORBIT, O LADY OF THE RAREST KIDS AND ASS. I AM DELIGHTED TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE A HUSBAND WILLING TO PUT YOUR ASS OUT TO PASTURE TO MAKE SURE IT GETS ITS PROPER NUTRITION. SUCH A DIVINE ASS AND WONDERFUL KIDS DEMAND EXCELLENT CARE AND YOU ARE CLEARLY WELL PROVISIONED.

SAY, O FINE LADY, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN AN EMOTIONAL STENCHING? THAT’S WHERE YOU EXPERIENCE MY FILTHREEK AND THEN I RUB YOU WITH FARMED EMOTIONS UNTIL YOUR SOUL EXPLODES. AS A LITERAL PILE OF SHIT, I AM INTIMATELY ACQUAINTED WITH ALL OF THE WAYS THAT I CAN FILL YOU WITH HORROR AND DISGUST, AND I CAN LEVERAGE THESE EMOTIONS TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A NIGHT YOU WILL NEVER, EVER FORGET, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO.

OH, YOU ALREADY UNMATCHED ME. I’LL JUST GO SPREAD MYSELF ON A FIELD AND GIVE COWS TAPEWORMS LIKE THE CHAMPION I AM. YOUR LOSS.

 

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Lovecraft Letters: Steamy Farmer
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