Mike Huckabee has the sadz

Republican presidential hopeful and all ’round douchebag Mike Huckabee is feeling left out. While the list of Republican candidates has grown large enough to field a sports team, according to him, the media only wants to talk about one man: Donald Trump. He even said as much in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer. Here’s part of the transcript:

WOLF BLITZER, CNN HOST: With us now, one of Donald Trump’s opponents for the Republican presidential nomination, the former Arkansas governor, Mike Huckabee.

Governor, thanks very much for joining us. What do you think? You just heard some of the excerpts, some of the clips from his speech.  I don’t know if you watched him earlier, but it’s pretty amazing when you think about it.

MIKE HUCKABEE (R), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Well, to quote Toby Keith’s great song, I want to talk about me.  And you know, sometimes all the interviews these days are about Donald Trump. But Wolf, if we don’t get to some issues, I’m going to give your cell phone number out on the air –


HUCKABEE: – and everybody in America will be calling you.

BLITZER: That’s a major threat. Governor, take a look at this. Arguably, Donald Trump, he’s now the frontrunner. Look at this ABC/”Washington Post” poll for the Republican nomination.  Trump, 24 percent; Scott Walker, 13; Jeb Bush, 12. You’re at eight percent, Rubio seven, Rand Paul, six. Why is he doing so well?

HUCKABEE: He’s striking a nerve with a lot of people who are just fed up with government. They’re fed up with – I think just a double mindedness on the part of so many people in politics.  And he’s speaking in such a blunt way.

And one of the things I hear out there, Wolf, there are some people – and they are not interested in someone going to Washington and presiding over this country and governing. They’re so angry that right now what they’re thinking about is just burn it all down.  And I understand that rage, but as we get closer to electing a president, people are going to be thinking more about governing and less about just burning down the whole system.

BLITZER: Because when you hear some of the language going on, and certainly Donald Trump caused a huge stir by saying what he said about Senator John McCain when he was a POW in Vietnam.  Then Senator McCain’s best friend, Lindsey Graham, called him a jackass.  You heard what Donald Trump called Lindsey Graham today. Gave out his personal cell phone number.

Serious question, Governor: Is this the party, the Republican party of Ronald Reagan?  Because you remember his 11th commandment.

HUCKABEE: Well, I think, look, there’s 16 candidates. And all the attention is being focused on one of the candidates who is being very plain spoken.

Awww, Huckabee’s feelings are hurt that no one will talk about him. I totes feel not the least bit sad about that.

I feel I must interrupt Blitzer’s interview with doucheface extraordinaire if for no other reason than I’ll either be bored to tears reading the rest of it or I’ll want to smash something after reading the rest of it. I’m guessing the latter given the interviewee. In any case, I’ll take this time to offer up my explanation for why the media is obsessed with Trump and not concerned with the other bozos in the Kramped Klown Kar. The media is covering Trump because the GOP has nothing new to say. It’s really that simple. Don’t believe me?

They still want to:

  • slash government assistance programs because they love nothing more than making poor people, children, disabled people, and seniors suffer
  • repeal the ACA so that millions of USAmericans can go back to having no health insurance
  • pressure Congress to start wars somewhere so that thousands of people can die needlessly while the architects laugh their way to the bank
  • get rid of marriage equality, because Jesus H. Christ hates consensual adult relationships
  • cut taxes on rich people even more because they approve of corporate welfare
  • do nothing to repair infrastructure bc if unemployed people have jobs, there won’t be any unemployed people for the Republican Party to shame 
  • pretend anthropogenic global warming is a hoax in spite of all evidence to the contrary and gawd gave us dominion over the earth so we can fuck it up all we want
  • cut education spending bc who needs an education-they’ll just become elitist assholes
  • cut corporate regulations because clean water isn’t necessary when you can buy all the bottled water you want
  • whittle the wall of separation between church and state down to less ash than a staked Buffy vamp (side note: I need to have my agent contact Joss Whedon’s agent to find out if that ash is good for anything. If you sprinkle it over yourself like pixie dust, will you get vampiric powers? If you snort it like certain illegal substances, will you trip off the demons’ memories? If you mix it with water and form a clay figure can you create a demonic Wonder Woman?)
  • reduce government spending, except on defense, because we really need to build a wall around the United States and walls cost money-just ask that one guy who knows how to build a wall
    and most importantly
  • they still want a government so small that it fits in a woman’s uterus because what self-respecting Republican politician would be caught dead thinking women are human beings with rights

So you see, Mr. Huckabee (did I really just use an honorific for a man who is anything but honorable?), your party has nothing new to say. Trump on the other hand, has plenty of new things to say. Granted, they’re just as bad as what you clowns are saying, but it’s at least it’s not a retread of the same old, same old. There is plenty of new stuff to mock and criticize.

Mike Huckabee has the sadz