The Short, Sharp Retort: Expelled Edition

In this installment, we once again take up the complexity of the evolution vs. IDiot debate, and reduce it to simple terms for the simple-minded:

Retort to teach the controversy! Absolutely. You can teach Intelligent Design in science classrooms as soon as atheists can teach their views in Bible Study.

Retort to atheists and scientists are terrified of Expelled! Look at their response! Yes, we fear insane, lying pieces of shit and the stupid people who believe them. Who wouldn’t?

Retort to Expelled is a success! By your standards, yes. By a normal person’s, not so much.

Retort to Expelled proves Intelligent Design advocates are persecuted! Yep, being denied tenure because you’re a lazy fucker is right up there with being fed to lions.

Retort to why are you atheists and scientists so angry about Intelligent Design? We were perfectly happy before you took a shit in our sandbox and called it science.

Alternates: It kind of upsets me when someone wants to replace modern medicine with bullshit.

Kinda want future medical scientists taught science so they can develop actual cures.

Tell you what. I’ll make a movie about how Christianity led to Hitler and see how cheerful you feel afterward.

A further retort to science makes people atheists! Science doesn’t make people atheists. Pat Robertson does. (Courtesy of Nicole)

On that last, you can of course now insert the name of any leading light of the Expelled debacle. I have a feeling that we’re going to see an influx of disillusioned folks quite soon. For those already having doubts about their faith, seeing those fools frothing all over the big screen will likely be the final straw.

As always, feel free to leave your own contributions to the Retort in comments. You, too, could have your rapier wit prominently highlighted.

The Short, Sharp Retort: Expelled Edition

The Short, Sharp Retort

I’ve never believed in astrology, but there’s one stereotype about my birth sign that applies to me:

Capricorns have fine, deliberate minds which in some cases may operate more slowly but with far deeper concentration than most.

Well, actually, there are a lot of stereotypes about my sign that apply to me: that’s how these things are designed. Sling enough vague pseudoscientific psychobabble leavened with a little flattery, and something’s bound to apply. But I digress. I do have a deliberate mind, and it does tend to operate more slowly than most. That serves well enough when it comes to spelunking a subject in-depth, but it’s murder for the short, sharp retort. Let’s not talk about the number of times I’ve started up from a deep sleep with the perfect witticism perched like a loaded flamethrower on my tongue – long after the target has left the building.


This being so, it’s good to pre-load oneself with a variety of short, sharp retorts suitable to a variety of common situations in which a snappy comeback is the must-have accessory of the season. For all of us with fine, deliberate minds, Capricorn or not, I bring you the first installment of the Short, Sharp Retort.

Retort to science makes people atheists: Oh, shit, we forgot to tell Ken Miller!

Alternates: Science doesn’t make people atheists, fundamentalists do.

And what’s wrong with that?

Retort to we must obey all of Christ’s teachings: So, I see your right eye has never offended you.

Alternates: Wonderful! You can start by shaking the dust from your sandals.

Which part of the Bible says you have to be an insufferable asshole?

There will be more Short, Sharp Retorts forthcoming as they occur to me. By all means, feel free to add your own.

The Short, Sharp Retort