GGC 2015 #DIYSciZone: Mock the Movie Overtime: Glitter transcript

Glob help me, but I watched this movie. I watched it beginning to end. Alone.

So alone.

The things I do for science.

Please go give money to Geek Girl Con’s DIY Science Zone, because when we reach $3500, I reach my next goal of public self-flagellation: I will live-stream Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link beginning to end. Probably over two weekends. All of this so I can go teach kids about displacement and buoyancy!

@CA7746: @lousycanuck @MockTM Good luck. I’m not touching this one. You know how hard it is to decontaminate after a glitter exposure.
2015-08-02 00:51:25
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 If I’m not back in two hours, just wait longer. Probably dry heaving in the bathroom. @MockTM
2015-08-02 00:52:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look, if anyone wants to join, I won’t stop you. But maybe I should. Regardless, it’s here.
2015-08-02 00:57:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay. *deep breath* Here we go.
2015-08-02 01:00:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Fun fact: The Columbia torch-holding woman demanded a pay raise after being told she’d have to be associated with this movie
2015-08-02 01:01:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, that’s not Jessica Rabbit. I feel seriously let down.
2015-08-02 01:01:31
@DrRubidium: Thx to @GeekGirlCon #DIYscizone donors getting us >$2k, @lousycanuck is watching ‘Glitter’! Following him & @MockTM for the HILARITY.
2015-08-02 01:02:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, who let that 13 year old girl in? AND gave her a cocktail?
2015-08-02 01:02:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Just a sec, I forgot the words. All these drugs are messing me up.”
2015-08-02 01:03:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, that’s really gross, thrusting a kid into the spotlight like that against her will.
2015-08-02 01:03:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What is she drinking? I’ll have seven, please.
2015-08-02 01:04:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look, I got fired. Something about constantly being drunk on stage, I dunno, I wasn’t listening, I was getting a refill.”
2015-08-02 01:05:54
2015-08-02 01:06:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And let me guess — she doesn’t have insurance. See, this is why I don’t smoke and also do lots of drugs — smoking kills!
2015-08-02 01:07:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m sending you off to live with your aunt and uncle in Bel Air.”
2015-08-02 01:08:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Man, her mom gave up her daughter AND her cat? Oh the crosses you have to bear, Mariah!
2015-08-02 01:09:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Cat’s name is Whisper. Cat wants to get away from children groping it. Cat is de facto the best actor in the film.
2015-08-02 01:10:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I was watching y’all out there, y’all look pretty good. No, not all of y’all, just y’all. The one I’m looking at. Yes, y’all.
2015-08-02 01:11:30
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM <3
2015-08-02 01:12:05
2015-08-02 01:12:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoever this lady is, she’s bloody tone deaf.
2015-08-02 01:12:59
2015-08-02 01:13:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look. We get it. Mariah grew up. But there’s an important question you elided: WHERE IS WHISPER NOW, MOVIE!?
2015-08-02 01:14:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Here’s a hot single for you to mix into your dance music thing!” “Rick Astley!?”
2015-08-02 01:15:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now on stage, the Female Milli Vanillis!”
2015-08-02 01:16:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I had no idea you were so interested in how good I could do blow. I mean blow. SEXUAL REFERENCE NOT DRUGS”
2015-08-02 01:17:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh snap, your inadvertently “blowing” has blown your cover, Mariah!
2015-08-02 01:17:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m Dice. Like Lucky Seven.” “Uh, maybe on a ten-sided die, joker.”
2015-08-02 01:18:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “When the microphone comes, don’t be scared, do something special. Within the limits of the NDA you signed at the door.”
2015-08-02 01:19:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We have the, as the kids say, funky fresh flows, you-all.”
2015-08-02 01:19:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay extras, dance spastically to serve as filler!
2015-08-02 01:20:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “All right, look, what’s the biggest dream you ever had?” “To carve my face on the moon.” “Okaaay… scale it back.”
2015-08-02 01:21:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We got a deal?” “What? I wasn’t listening.”
2015-08-02 01:22:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How can I reach you?” “You’re Lucky Seven, you’ll figure it out.” *immediately hops a plane to Antarctica*
2015-08-02 01:22:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM At this point it’s sounding uncomfortably like human trafficking. Thank you, cut to Statue of Liberty!
2015-08-02 01:23:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Did we just fast forward literally ten years in her career just now? All because two men did some backroom deals?
2015-08-02 01:25:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Behind every “talented” woman is a shady asshole and a shady “nice guy” doing deals for her soul.
2015-08-02 01:25:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nice shirt, man.” “Thanks. I had to hunt and skin dozens of gold CDs myself to make it.”
2015-08-02 01:26:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t settle for “Dead Rat Records” or whatever the hell! Go for the big labels, like… Warner Bros. Like Looney Tunes? Right?
2015-08-02 01:27:39
2015-08-02 01:28:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is my latest track.” “Doesn’t sound much like you.”
2015-08-02 01:28:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If it weren’t for all these men, I wouldn’t have my career! HOORAY FOR FEMINISM
2015-08-02 01:29:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think you’ll be happy here.” “And… where is… here, again?” “CMI? Haven’t you heard of us?” “… What cartoons have you done?”
2015-08-02 01:30:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It isn’t a date! I’m just going to have sex with him and he’s going to do all the heteronormative romance gestures in return.”
2015-08-02 01:31:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why’d you get me a rose?” “I just thought it’d get me in your pants. I MEAN IT WAS NICE”
2015-08-02 01:32:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s it, making fun of escargot, you’re off my Christmas list.
2015-08-02 01:33:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I gotta pick something up, you wanna come up with me for a minute? Five minutes? Doesn’t take me longer than that. Just saying.”
2015-08-02 01:33:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So where’s this… thing… you were going to pick up?” “What thing? OH”
2015-08-02 01:34:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You play the coroner?” “Yeah, like one of my favorites? Quincy? Quincy, ME?”
2015-08-02 01:35:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seriously, you’re going to kiss him despite the obvious attempts at play? He paid off that cab! You fool!
2015-08-02 01:36:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You know, I don’t do this.” “I can tell. You suck at the sex.”
2015-08-02 01:36:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re not just saying that because we slept together?” “We haven’t actually slept. There was sex. Remember? You were there!”
2015-08-02 01:36:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Then love will take over” says the background music. This conflation of love and sex, I’m not particularly comfortable with it.
2015-08-02 01:37:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Lose all the superfluous shit.” *mutes literally everything, dead silence* “There you go.”
2015-08-02 01:37:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you doing!?” “CAUSING A PUBLIC DISTURBANCE!”
2015-08-02 01:38:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh man. The cordless phones you had to pull the antennae out on. MEMORIES.
2015-08-02 01:39:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Suddenly, this movie is throwing chaff to prevent radar lock for the impending air strikes.
2015-08-02 01:39:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She’s exotic. I want to see more of her breasts.” AMERICA
2015-08-02 01:40:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s got his own vision. Male gaze. Maybe you’ve heard of it.”
2015-08-02 01:41:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you sure about this outfit?” “Hmm, perhaps you are right, can you have her maybe take it off?”
2015-08-02 01:42:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ah, and this must be Douche.” “Dice.” “Doof. Yes.”
2015-08-02 01:42:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, I’m not really feeling this whole flame thing. What’s my motivation here?
2015-08-02 01:43:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re making a big mistake, man, keeping people from groping your girlfriend and making her uncomfortable in public.”
2015-08-02 01:44:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM She has the name “Roxy” on her shirt so nobody forgets that that is her name. CHARACTERIZATION
2015-08-02 01:45:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now Dice gets all jelly. Instead of letting Mariah use her own sexuality how she sees fit, it’s some guy calling all the shots.
2015-08-02 01:46:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Whatcha doing here, T?” “You did read the script right? It’s time for me to collect.” “And it’s time for me to squirrel out of it.”
2015-08-02 01:47:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t be scared. It’s a surprise. IT’S A SHIVVING BY T!!!”
2015-08-02 01:48:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you like it?” “I can’t believe it.” “Look. It has MIDI output.”
2015-08-02 01:48:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is that your romantic way of, like, awkwardly suggesting things that you should just tell me outright?”
2015-08-02 01:49:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM She moves in. He gets cut by T for welching on a deal. She gets the apartment AND the record deal. EVERYTHING WORKS OUT IN THE END
2015-08-02 01:50:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I never told anyone this before. I’ve had this recurring dream. Where I’m skydiving nude into chocolate pudding.”
2015-08-02 01:50:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM C’mere. Let’s cuddle and put all those thoughts about your mother giving a damn about you out of your mind.
2015-08-02 01:52:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ten to one her mother is Chekov’s Gun.
2015-08-02 01:52:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh gods, I have just officially hit the halfway point of the movie about ten seconds ago. That means there’s 52 mins left. HELP ME
2015-08-02 01:53:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Reflections of a vampire don’t appeaaaar
2015-08-02 01:54:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Okay. Let’s see. We have record of your mother becoming a supervillain with powers over fire.” “What?” “It’s an imperfect system.”
2015-08-02 01:55:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Listen, we don’t want to pressure you, but, DO SOMETHING OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING TO DIE”
2015-08-02 01:56:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Listen. All you need is a crossover album. Maybe you and Garth Brooks and Vanilla Ice. They’re hot right now.”
2015-08-02 01:57:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is the 80s and everyone wants to dance. And also Pepsi and glasnost. I don’t know.”
2015-08-02 01:58:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What about you?” “I’m cool.” “Uh, no, no you’re not. Sorry. I mean, I’ll fuck you, but out of pity. You’re not cool, baby. Sorry.”
2015-08-02 01:58:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Can you call Dice for me and tell him where we’ll be?” “Uh, no.”
2015-08-02 01:59:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If only Dice knew a damn thing about digital mixing, overlaying tracks, he could play all the instruments himself.
2015-08-02 02:00:13
2015-08-02 02:00:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is the “Take Me On” song that doesn’t have the pipe wrench fight in it. SIGH
2015-08-02 02:01:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I keep thinking they’re saying Billy Blanks when they’re referring to Mariah’s character.
2015-08-02 02:01:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh Roxy, you can’t be trusted to dress yourself. Just put on your Roxy shirt and get out there.
2015-08-02 02:03:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hi. I’m a big fan.” “I’m a big fan of yours! From that ten second snippet of your song that I heard.”
2015-08-02 02:04:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Maybe we should get together and do something. Sexual. You know.”
2015-08-02 02:04:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Maybe we can ALL… do… something. You know.”
2015-08-02 02:04:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Is it just me or does Dice look like Tom Paris? Wait, I’m doing this solo, it’s just me. SIGH!!!
2015-08-02 02:05:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Think he’d ask you to do a song with him if, you know, you weren’t literally having sex with him a second ago?”
2015-08-02 02:06:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look, say drunk what you’d do sober. In vino veritas.
2015-08-02 02:06:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You coming Billy?” “No, I have to help build existential angst in the movie plot.”
2015-08-02 02:07:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You okay? Pumpkin? Darling? Want me to get you a sooooda?”
2015-08-02 02:07:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’s happening to you?” “Look, it’s genetic okay? I’m going through… puberty. It’s very difficult.”
2015-08-02 02:07:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mom is still the best singer in the movie.
2015-08-02 02:09:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, you know we’re doing Saturday Night Live tonight, right?”
2015-08-02 02:09:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh look, villainous black guy with a fedora. FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.
2015-08-02 02:10:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Tell me Mariah doesn’t end up in the goddamn refridgerator here.
2015-08-02 02:10:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t want to hurt you. But I will. YOUR SINGING VOICE IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD”
2015-08-02 02:11:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You sounded tallow on the phone. Like rendered fat.”
2015-08-02 02:12:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where are you going?” “To find Batman. He’ll know what to do.”
2015-08-02 02:12:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Honey, she’s not calling Dice. She’s barely actually getting you honey.
2015-08-02 02:13:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Billy, there’s a phone call for you on Line 1. Publisher’s Clearing House.”
2015-08-02 02:14:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sorry about that, Billy, I’ll make it up to you by beating up more people. I promise.”
2015-08-02 02:15:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you really think, do you really think inside your mind –” “Yes, that’s generally where thoughts happen.”
2015-08-02 02:16:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM WHISPER!!
2015-08-02 02:16:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That cat is the only good thing in this movie.
2015-08-02 02:16:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hi. Long time no see.” “Hi.” “I was talking to the cat.”
2015-08-02 02:17:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I left Dice.” “It’s about time. Guy was crap(s).”
2015-08-02 02:18:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Can you tell me what’s going on? I’m really not in the mood for this today.” “Wait, how did you know I wanted sex with this guy?”
2015-08-02 02:19:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now listen. It’s real simple. I have a melody. Hot cross buns, da da da da da da hot cross buns!”
2015-08-02 02:19:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I had a crush on youuu, and I made it obvious in every awkward interactiooooon”
2015-08-02 02:20:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Mmm. This is fresh. This is fresh. I love this salmon I picked up at the fish market. Mmm.
2015-08-02 02:21:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *picks up novelty Garfield phone*
2015-08-02 02:21:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Random non-sequiteur — I just thought of that scene in Ghostbusters where Casey Casem did a bit. No chance of something like THAT.
2015-08-02 02:22:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nobody for Kittens”?? Listen, if you expect anyone else to read your song, write legibly.
2015-08-02 02:23:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I won’t let time erase, when the Langoliers come and eat all of pre-historyyyyy, still I’ll escaaaape”
2015-08-02 02:23:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Is this like convergent evolution, where two songwriters might accidentally come up with the same song?
2015-08-02 02:24:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “One and turn, hip, hip, and pliee, jump, flip, dive, half-gainer, bisect your enemy, block all incoming laser, and three four”
2015-08-02 02:25:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m not doing this shit.” Listen, we don’t all get to opt out of ridiculous bullshit. *ahem*
2015-08-02 02:25:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aww, a piano. I remember pianos. And a picture! I remember pictures.
2015-08-02 02:26:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait. He made the same song? Has he been spying on me!?
2015-08-02 02:26:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now you’re kissing his music and leaving? Mixed signals. Either you’re done with him or you’re stringing him along.
2015-08-02 02:28:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Let’s see. Bills, bills, bill from T, promise to murder me from T… the usual.”
2015-08-02 02:28:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She kissed my music? SHE STILL LOVES ME. Time to go stalk her again!”
2015-08-02 02:29:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, walk purposefully toward the guy who wants to kill you. Do that. Get murdered.
2015-08-02 02:29:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, is that the mother from Beetlejuice?
2015-08-02 02:30:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dice was the victim of a gunshot wound to the chest. They say he failed his saving roll. Back to you, Bob.”
2015-08-02 02:30:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Billy, Roxy and Whatserface, oblivious to Dice’s mortal peril, go on stage.
2015-08-02 02:31:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “My ex boyfriend died tonight. I have a new boyfriend now. Anyway, I’m going to sing now.”
2015-08-02 02:32:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And at this point I can’t understand a damn word of this song but I know it’s some Mariah Carey thing. Meh.
2015-08-02 02:34:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM One lone fan lights a lighter. Nobody else does. They get very, very sad.
2015-08-02 02:34:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m waiting for the very tiny Stonehenge to lower from the ceiling.
2015-08-02 02:35:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “To Billy. Love, Guy Who Died.”
2015-08-02 02:36:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “They found your mother. She’s living in Maryland. That person you saw a few weeks ago was your own delusion. Love, Dice.”
2015-08-02 02:37:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know she’s kinda fragile and I guess that’s to be expected when she’s made out of untempered glass and clay”
2015-08-02 02:38:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, uh, mom.” “Who?”
2015-08-02 02:38:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Let’s just end this movie without another word. Please.
2015-08-02 02:39:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Come on. Five minutes left of credits. I can do it.
2015-08-02 02:39:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM There was not a single instance of glitter in this movie. And no, the giant inch long pieces of chaff halfway through do not count.
2015-08-02 02:40:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What did I learn from this movie? That I’m a masochist. There was nothing to push against here. No plot. Just nonsense.
2015-08-02 02:41:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM CANADIAN CASTING!? What the hell, movie. WHAT THE HELL. I consider this an ASSAULT ON CANADA.
2015-08-02 02:42:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Robin D. Cook, CDC — you are a traitor to your nation and I hold you responsible for everything in this movie to do with Canada.
2015-08-02 02:43:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Negative Cutter Mo Henry, you did way too little cutting.
2015-08-02 02:43:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is probably the single worst movie that the song “Relax” has ever been associated with.
2015-08-02 02:44:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gold and platinum records used with grudging permission of RIAA”
2015-08-02 02:45:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s over. I survived. Barely.
2015-08-02 02:46:37

GGC 2015 #DIYSciZone: Mock the Movie Overtime: Glitter transcript