Lousy Canuck https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/ ... Because I don't watch enough hockey, drink enough beer, or eat enough bacon. Sat, 17 Sep 2016 14:54:48 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.1.7 114111316 GeekGirlCon #DIYSciZone Act of Whimsy: Livestreaming TMNT1 NES #GGC16 https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/09/17/geekgirlcon-diyscizone-act-whimsy-livestreaming-tmnt1-nes-ggc16/ Sat, 17 Sep 2016 14:51:26 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15743 The post GeekGirlCon #DIYSciZone Act of Whimsy: Livestreaming TMNT1 NES #GGC16 appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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I’ll be livestreaming starting at 10am sharp, making an attempt at beating TMNT 1 for the NES with a ten hour timelimit. No glitches, no level select code, but I’ll be (sparingly) using save states on my way through to save my ass in case of issues (e.g. emulator crashes or other system issues, etc).

As this will be my first run at the game in 15 years, I’ll make use of maps so I don’t flounder too badly.

The things I do in service of science! All of this is a backer “reward” for our DIY Science Zone fundraising this year, for Geek Girl Con, where I’ll be running demonstrations on the game Zombie Dice and how know when to hold ’em (brains), know when to shamble away and know when to chomp.

DIY Science Zone logo

Here’s the donation form. We bring science demos to kids on an all-volunteer basis, and the cost helps pay for this zone — without this annual fundraising, we couldn’t continue this excellent annual tradition of getting the kids who visit Geek Girl Con excited about STEM fields!

Embedded video stream may autoplay so I’m putting it below the fold!

Watch live video from Lousycanuck on www.twitch.tv

The post GeekGirlCon #DIYSciZone Act of Whimsy: Livestreaming TMNT1 NES #GGC16 appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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15743
#DIYSciZone Act of Whimsy: Battlefield Earth transcript #GGC16 https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/08/28/diyscizone-act-whimsy-battlefield-earth-transcript-ggc16/ Sun, 28 Aug 2016 19:45:44 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15732 The post #DIYSciZone Act of Whimsy: Battlefield Earth transcript #GGC16 appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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As part of the DIY Science Zone fundraising for Geek Girl Con, we set a number of fundraising goals wherein our amateur and professional scientists offer self-torture as incentive. This year I’ll be reprising my demos on randomness and probability, only this time I’ll be doing it in context of Zombie Dice, as a tie-in with the Gaming Zone. This is going to be a ton of fun! And brains. Lots of brains.

DIY Science Zone logo

As part of our $1500 fundraising goal, I agreed to live-tweet Battlefield Earth. Whaaaaaat a stinker. A meandering mess of displays of every baser human instinct, written by that same guy who founded that one religion. You know the one.

A few Mock The Movie stalwarts voluntarily threw themselves on my pyre in solidarity. I am Hashtag-Blessed to find myself among such friends and/or fellow masochists.

Once the fundraiser hits $3000, this year I’ll be doing a twitch stream long-play of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for NES. I haven’t played it in at least fifteen years. I promise I’ll be rusty as hell and will likely die a lot. Hooray! If you want to help get us there, here’s the donation form. We bring science demos to kids on an all-volunteer basis, and the cost helps pay for this zone — without this annual fundraising, we couldn’t continue this excellent annual tradition of getting the kids who visit Geek Girl Con excited about STEM fields!

@lousycanuck: Okay. Saturday night, 9pmCST, I live-mock Battlefield Earth for #DIYSciZone. Follow @MockTM if you want to see it.
2016-08-25 03:35:18
@lousycanuck: 2h15m til our experiment. Method: a live-tweeting of Battlefield Earth for #DIYSciZone #GGC16. Hypothesis: PAIN. Follow @MockTM to watch!
2016-08-27 23:46:35
@MockTM: You should follow @lousycanuck as well as @MockTM to *properly* watch Battlefield Earth livetweeting 🙂 #DIYSciZone https://t.co/XZtfiiHuSp
2016-08-27 23:49:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Am I having a conversation with myself here? Probably! But if you don’t follow both accounts, you won’t see it!
2016-08-27 23:50:11
@CA7746: @MockTM @lousycanuck There there. Battlefield Earth, the movie, is only like… *half* of the book (1000+ pages). https://t.co/uGuk9BJ0nI
2016-08-28 00:05:50
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Which half.
2016-08-28 00:06:56
@CA7746: @MockTM @lousycanuck Oh, it’s not a good sign when the back cover promises “pathos”.
2016-08-28 00:07:36
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Tell ya what, you read it while I watch it. Let’s see if you can keep up!
2016-08-28 00:10:45
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @MockTM Been there done that. *shudder*
2016-08-28 00:12:57
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @MockTM 1st half, human uprising. / Second half: global ethnic stereotypes nuke the aliens… ALL of them. IIRC (*sorry brain*)
2016-08-28 00:20:17
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Forewarned is four-armed
2016-08-28 00:49:02
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @MockTM Wiki film desc: After a week of training the rebels launch a mass uprising against the Psychlos using Harrier jump-jets
2016-08-28 01:03:39
@lousycanuck: Starting Battlefield Earth in 10 mins. Thanks so much to @DrRubidium for this opportunity for masochism. #DIYSciZone #GGC16 @MockTM
2016-08-28 01:51:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Let the movie commence.
2016-08-28 02:00:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Man, there’s a lot of studios associated with this.
2016-08-28 02:01:01
@blotzphoto: @lousycanuck @MockTM may God have mercy on your souls.
2016-08-28 02:01:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh good, the totally-legally-obtained copy of this has German text. I can’t understand what’s happening. Don’t care to either.
2016-08-28 02:01:48
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM You poor miserable man.
2016-08-28 02:01:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay… so far, I can glean that we’re in Skyrim, and there’s a girl who will never set her sights elsewhere. I’m with you, movie.
2016-08-28 02:02:42
@biakestacey: @MockTM Well, boys, we’re up Morgan Creek without a paddle on this one.
2016-08-28 02:03:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The gods took your father in the night.” “Which gods? I’ll find and fight them!”
2016-08-28 02:03:29
@biakestacey: @MockTM Sitten und watchen das Battlefieldlichten!
2016-08-28 02:03:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @biakestacey Are you throwing yourself on this pyre voluntarily!? Solidarity fistbump!
2016-08-28 02:04:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That is our fate.” “Only if you believe in fate. I mean, I believe in gods, but not fate.”
2016-08-28 02:04:33
@biakestacey: @MockTM Skiing season looks pretty iffy this year.
2016-08-28 02:04:37
@arclight: @lousycanuck @DrRubidium @MockTM COUNT ALL THE SPLIT-WIPES! #forthoseabouttowatchwesaluteyou
2016-08-28 02:04:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You can handle yourself better than most men, and I’d know, because I’ve tried em all.”
2016-08-28 02:05:12
@lousycanuck: @arclight @DrRubidium @MockTM One so far. Several slowmo fades
2016-08-28 02:05:40
@biakestacey: @MockTM Filmed on location in the quarry the BBC gave up on
2016-08-28 02:06:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seeing this dude on the horse reminds me I’d rather be watching Cowboys vs Aliens.
2016-08-28 02:06:21
@biakestacey: @MockTM “It’s just a hop to the left, a demon to the right…”
2016-08-28 02:06:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You’re all afraid of an animatronic dinosaur in an overgrown theme park? ‘kay.
2016-08-28 02:07:03
@biakestacey: @MockTM I think the movie needs to get its inner ear checked.
2016-08-28 02:07:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Earth: The Show-Me Planet
2016-08-28 02:08:20
@biakestacey: @MockTM “What do you know about gods? Where did you obtain your theology doctorate?”
2016-08-28 02:08:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Driving into special caves with golden arches and food would magically appear. I bet they call this The Legend Of The Dairy Queen.
2016-08-28 02:09:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, sure, you don’t recognize that plexiglass, I’ll accept that. But why were you walking full stride at something knee height?
2016-08-28 02:10:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Loudest laser ever.
2016-08-28 02:11:07
@biakestacey: @MockTM Hero credibility shatered forever
2016-08-28 02:11:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Forget about me, I’m just an extra, your quest is too important… guy we followed to get food from.”
2016-08-28 02:11:58
@biakestacey: @MockTM It’s mall security, and they are pissed!
2016-08-28 02:12:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Clearly this guy is from Stormtrooper Academy
2016-08-28 02:12:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @biakestacey Paul Blart, Mall Psychlo
2016-08-28 02:12:58
@biakestacey: @MockTM This scene was cut from the theatrical release, you know, but they restored it for the Director’s version on DVD.
2016-08-28 02:13:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage.
2016-08-28 02:13:26
@biakestacey: @MockTM … The horse is supposed to prove that he’s a Replicant, but I don’t see how.
2016-08-28 02:13:56
@biakestacey: @MockTM I guess there are enough random humans wandering about that this is a worthwhile use of the aliens’ time?
2016-08-28 02:15:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Building a giant dome over Denver and using it to “repurpose” humans is as good a use of it as any I guess.
2016-08-28 02:16:12
@biakestacey: @MockTM So, not only is the movie tilted, it’ll be too foggy to tell what’s going on.
2016-08-28 02:16:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You can’t use it if it’s dead.” “Not like I have much use for it now.”
2016-08-28 02:16:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Someone stop that human! He shot someone!” “Ehh, not my problem.”
2016-08-28 02:17:14
@biakestacey: @MockTM ::siiiiiiiiiighhhhh::
2016-08-28 02:18:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now THERE’S some of that scientific curiosity I was hoping for! Replication of results!
2016-08-28 02:19:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH? HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING FORCED TO SHOWER!?
2016-08-28 02:19:47
@biakestacey: @MockTM “Well, I’m sure you’ve been to County before. Here it comes…”
2016-08-28 02:20:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Does all of Earth look like this… Detroit?” “Ugh, such blue skies.” “Oh no, that’s our doing, we stopped them from making smog.”
2016-08-28 02:21:26
@biakestacey: @MockTM Going from stealing a gun to stealing a spray nozzle feels like a downgrade.
2016-08-28 02:21:37
@biakestacey: @MockTM Nanoo nanoo!
2016-08-28 02:22:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And then after we’re done exterminating humanity, what next?” “Well let me tell you about dogs.”
2016-08-28 02:22:23
@biakestacey: @MockTM How did aliens this fucking incompetent take over anything?
2016-08-28 02:24:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Never have I seen such animus in giving a person a guaranteed job for another fifty years.
2016-08-28 02:24:30
@biakestacey: @MockTM “Which is why we’ve decided to keep you on for another tour of service.” Wah-wah!
2016-08-28 02:24:33
@biakestacey: @MockTM “With endless options for renewal! Endles options for renewal! Lisa needs braces! Dental plan!”
2016-08-28 02:25:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Always sleep with your boss. Never sleep with your boss’ senator-in-his-pocket’s daughter.
2016-08-28 02:25:47
@biakestacey: @MockTM Meanwhile, on Planet Matte Painting
2016-08-28 02:27:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Travolta’s attempts at scenery-chewing here are… um. Not even laughable.
2016-08-28 02:27:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Put it on my tab.” “You don’t have a tab.” “Put it on his then. He has a drinking problem, he’ll never notice.”
2016-08-28 02:27:48
@biakestacey: @MockTM Is fifty cycles longer than twelve parsecs?
2016-08-28 02:27:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM LET MORTAL KOMBAT BEGIN
2016-08-28 02:28:33
@biakestacey: @MockTM Step 1 to making an imposing villain: Have them dissed by their bartender
2016-08-28 02:29:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Four hit combo! And murder by oatmeal.
2016-08-28 02:29:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Here, here’s your extra portion, and your men can eat the stuff on your jacket.”
2016-08-28 02:30:04
@biakestacey: @MockTM Da da da da DA DA DA DA-DUM!
2016-08-28 02:30:07
@biakestacey: @MockTM “I wanted to put a laser blast between the eyes of every panda-animal that wouldn’t screw to save its species.”
2016-08-28 02:31:04
@biakestacey: @MockTM Inter-office memo DRAMA!
2016-08-28 02:31:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Shoot you? Hahaha, I was just going to torture you a bunch.”
2016-08-28 02:32:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What a revolutionary idea, using your slaves that you’ve been stocking and keeping alive at expense, as, you know, actual slaves.
2016-08-28 02:34:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They can teleport people, but they can’t mine without being in the mine personally. Okay. Sure.
2016-08-28 02:34:38
@biakestacey: @MockTM “Man-animals operating machine-equipment? Chortle-laughable!”
2016-08-28 02:35:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Quick, everyone, run to that one tiny gap in the falling tower!
2016-08-28 02:36:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM GAH, you’re choking me by squeezing the back of my neck like that!!
2016-08-28 02:36:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I am completely lost now. And I’m 100% paying attention.
2016-08-28 02:38:46
@biakestacey: @MockTM “Wager’s off! Let’s shoot our own machines!”
2016-08-28 02:39:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Right, sure, mining the gold and sending it to Psychlo will totally make up for sleeping with the senator’s daughter.
2016-08-28 02:39:52
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM I’ve read the book(!) and I was kind of lost watching that crap.
2016-08-28 02:40:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lucky Travolta told everyone earlier how he records everyone and how Number Two conveniently forgot three scenes later.
2016-08-28 02:40:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh thank goodness, the air in this sewer is breathable! Well, by some definitions.”
2016-08-28 02:41:06
@biakestacey: @MockTM Oh, he found the warp zone.
2016-08-28 02:42:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Man is a primitive species, so we need something primitive as leverage. Like… Netflix.”
2016-08-28 02:42:12
@biakestacey: @MockTM I don’t think that’s how favorite anything works
2016-08-28 02:43:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Start a fire? Who cooks rats.”
2016-08-28 02:43:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’re really going to have leverage over them now. We have a corner on the rat market!”
2016-08-28 02:44:16
@biakestacey: @MockTM Aliens who think that whatever humans are willing to eat after 3 days of starvation is their “favorite food”..conquered Earth. Yes.
2016-08-28 02:45:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That Batplane was NOT there five seconds ago, and it is NOT quiet.
2016-08-28 02:46:14
@biakestacey: @MockTM Ah! Johnny! … wait, do either of the other humans have names?
2016-08-28 02:46:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s vitally important that his holo-instructor inform you that his race is extinct because… pathos.
2016-08-28 02:48:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And the direct-download into his brain makes zero sense in context of the holo instructor. Awesome.
2016-08-28 02:49:21
@biakestacey: @MockTM Rosetta Stone! And Beyond the Infinite!
2016-08-28 02:49:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “They made him look into a light and downloaded Wikipedia into him.”
2016-08-28 02:49:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look, why not just start with something like 2+2, instead of the grand unified theorem right off the bat.
2016-08-28 02:50:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Thought you were supposed to be working on stuff to help us escape.” “This will. I’m going to bore them to death with Pythagoras.”
2016-08-28 02:51:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look, guns! Now we can have an infinite supply of rats!!”
2016-08-28 02:52:32
@biakestacey: @MockTM Hey, it worked in OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK.
2016-08-28 02:53:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hope is an admirable quality but foolish isn’t” “Uh, foolishNESS YOU MEAN?”
2016-08-28 02:53:35
@biakestacey: @MockTM Oh, right. She was in this movie.
2016-08-28 02:53:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m really impressed with how many bad ideas the bad guys have to engage in and how many good ideas they miss to justify this plot.
2016-08-28 02:56:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m so impressed with your insurrection based on knowing stuff about Psychlos, that I’ll take you to a human library!” Great idea.
2016-08-28 02:57:16
@biakestacey: @MockTM This is where he sees THE WIZARD OF OZ and realizes where ZARDOZ came from, isn’t it?
2016-08-28 02:57:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *blows dust off book* “To Serve Humans?”
2016-08-28 02:57:42
@biakestacey: @MockTM “Huh. It’s a cookbook.”
2016-08-28 02:58:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Psychlos can destroy Earth and enslave humanity, but the absolute last straw is being mean to cows!
2016-08-28 02:59:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Let it be said that we took this one chance, and fart! I mean fought.”
2016-08-28 03:00:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey look, I found a hostage. She just happens to be the extra from earlier. Funny coinkydink, huh?”
2016-08-28 03:01:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We found her with this picture of her on her. Clearly you drew it because, uh, you’re the only human we’ve ever seen draw anything”
2016-08-28 03:02:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, WHO got their head blown off in that? Not the girl, not the dude… was there a third person with a collar? OH WHO CARES
2016-08-28 03:03:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The gods respect thinkers” “With respect, the gods don’t exist, and thinkers generally piss off any that do?”
2016-08-28 03:03:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Here, hold this hair.” “Uh, okay.”
2016-08-28 03:04:43
@biakestacey: @MockTM Sammie! He got a name! And all he had to do was get his head blown off.
2016-08-28 03:05:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREED– Uh, we’re all in cages
2016-08-28 03:05:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She comes with other advantages.” *yoshi tongue* “OH MAN, you’ll be able to eat berries from SO FAR AWAY”
2016-08-28 03:06:50
@biakestacey: @MockTM Fun fact: This scene is scientifically proven to shrivel human gonads
2016-08-28 03:07:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Just sign here on this blank iPad”
2016-08-28 03:08:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM These number-analogues sure are… analogous.
2016-08-28 03:09:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What a day for you! You get to get one over on me twice, and now you get to play video games. Beat my high score or die!!
2016-08-28 03:10:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This can’t possibly be a bad idea, giving this human a batplane.
2016-08-28 03:11:34
@biakestacey: @MockTM Surely this is essential for extracting rock from under the ground!
2016-08-28 03:11:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I would be impressed if so late in human civilization, there was ever a gold vein exposed to the surface like this.
2016-08-28 03:13:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Legend of Fort Knocks
2016-08-28 03:13:25
@biakestacey: @MockTM Why are they wearing the nose tubes?
2016-08-28 03:13:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ha ha, awoo. What are they saying? Who knows, but that was definitely a spear of friendship.”
2016-08-28 03:14:01
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM Worst. Aliens. Ever.
2016-08-28 03:14:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM HA HA SEE THEY DON’T GET THAT MAP LINES ARE NOT LITERAL LINES, ughhhh
2016-08-28 03:14:47
@lousycanuck: @ImprobableJoe @MockTM This is absolutely the truth. They have teleportation technology but uplift some humans because WHAT COULD GO WRONG
2016-08-28 03:16:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We stage our revolt inside this dome. The ancient writings call this a “bio-dome… buuuuuu-ddy”
2016-08-28 03:16:51
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM Is this whole thing an accidental attack on capitalism and/or libertarianism?
2016-08-28 03:17:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We’ve gone from uplifting humans from primitive technology levels, straight to both space travel and planet-busting nukes?
2016-08-28 03:18:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Surely these flight simulators don’t run on, like, power or anything. Power that requires generation. That the Psychlos would notice
2016-08-28 03:18:51
@biakestacey: @MockTM Fortunately, this tarp preserved the weapons under it for a thousand years!
2016-08-28 03:19:05
@lousycanuck: @ImprobableJoe @MockTM Any resemblance to social awareness is purely coincidental.
2016-08-28 03:19:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Piece of cake. Piece of cake. What’s cake? Who knows. But this is a piece of it.”
2016-08-28 03:19:46
@biakestacey: @MockTM I thought I could prepare myself for this

I was wrong

We were all wrong
2016-08-28 03:20:14
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM Must be, since this is about angled cameras and shouting bad dialogue
2016-08-28 03:20:17
@Supatravel_Guru: Jason Thibeault on Twitter: “@MockTM We’ve gone from uplifting humans from primitive technology levels, straight to… https://t.co/C13enzOrfo
2016-08-28 03:21:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lucky we kept all the manuals on how to repair these nukes right next to them.
2016-08-28 03:21:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sooo how are they getting to Psychlo? Are they seriously going to try to pilot their harriers into interstellar space?
2016-08-28 03:22:38
@biakestacey: @MockTM If he works the projector, I guess that makes Mickey the first nerd of the new civilization
2016-08-28 03:22:49
@ingdamnit: @lousycanuck @MockTM OH YOU POOR BASTARD
2016-08-28 03:23:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, I’m sure the psychlos will believe these pre-smelted gold bars came from the ground.
2016-08-28 03:23:49
@biakestacey: @MockTM I need a drink
2016-08-28 03:26:04
@lousycanuck: @biakestacey @MockTM I have a drink and I don’t have the stomach for it with this movie
2016-08-28 03:26:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Children? Moving a little fast, aren’tcha? You took the collar off, not put one on, you know.”
2016-08-28 03:26:58
@biakestacey: @MockTM Back with a drink. And they’re playing keep-away while making monkey noises
2016-08-28 03:27:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh hey boss. Pull up a chair. Just watching some home videos.”
2016-08-28 03:27:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ow. My hand.” “Walk it off.”
2016-08-28 03:29:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ow. My face.” “Walk it off.”
2016-08-28 03:30:46
@biakestacey: @MockTM BATTLEFIELD EARTH. The movie that dares to declare, “Well, that was a thing that happened.”
2016-08-28 03:31:17
@biakestacey: @MockTM Hey, maybe I can drink this movie vertical.
2016-08-28 03:31:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It turns out killing people might raise alarms, Johnny!!”
2016-08-28 03:31:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM LOOKIT THAT ASPHALT FLY
2016-08-28 03:32:09
@biakestacey: @MockTM Swell timing, Johnny.
2016-08-28 03:32:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, just like humans to start looting at the first sign of alien insurrection.
2016-08-28 03:33:06
@biakestacey: @MockTM It’s weird to think this post-dates THE MATRIX. It feels like a primordial bad movie from the depths of the before time
2016-08-28 03:33:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seriously, it’s not like the psychlos have any investment in the plate glass windows on Goldman Sachs on 5th Avenue
2016-08-28 03:34:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Say hello to my little, poorly aimed friend
2016-08-28 03:34:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE OUR SPACE HARRIERS”
2016-08-28 03:35:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Unga, Gronk use space bird to shoot bad-bads. Me press shiny buttons to make space bird go.”
2016-08-28 03:36:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Looks like nobody taught him about the eject buttons.
2016-08-28 03:36:45
@biakestacey: @MockTM Oh no! Not that guy!
2016-08-28 03:37:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Munitions depleted” is my John Travolta cover band.
2016-08-28 03:37:48
@biakestacey: @MockTM Munition depleted? Well, it happens to all guys now and then, don’t worry
2016-08-28 03:38:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You know what you gotta do.” “Actually, uh, no. Nobody taught me how to read the script.”
2016-08-28 03:38:30
@biakestacey: @MockTM Something tells me I’m goin to be saying “oh no, not…that guy” several more times before this is all over
2016-08-28 03:39:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We might want to get indoors sometime.”
2016-08-28 03:39:53
@biakestacey: @MockTM IT IS TIME FOR YOUR RAT LUNCH, MAN ANIMAL!
2016-08-28 03:40:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Attention everyone, we’ve decided to borrow a different movie’s plot. Time to Hunt the Most Dangerous Game!”
2016-08-28 03:40:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *pew pew* *splode* *me shrugging endlessly*
2016-08-28 03:41:07
@biakestacey: @MockTM Oh no! Not…those guys
2016-08-28 03:41:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “THIS IS AN ACTION MOVIE, NEVER SAY WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT–aaaagh”
2016-08-28 03:42:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, what a victory against the aliens, taking out… this one dome. On Earth. With the full extent of your munitions.
2016-08-28 03:43:17
@biakestacey: @MockTM They *really* wanted this to be INDEPENDENCE DAY, didn’t they?
2016-08-28 03:43:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Congrats guys, you finished the job, Detroit is destroyed. Way to go.
2016-08-28 03:44:35
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM Remember to lift one shoulder 15° higher than the other to match the angle of every shot in this flick.
2016-08-28 03:44:40
@biakestacey: @MockTM Wait. Why did they have to blow the dome before sending the planet-busting nuke to Psychlo through the teleport?
2016-08-28 03:44:40
@lousycanuck: @ImprobableJoe @MockTM I keep wanting to say “WHAT’S THIS? Our heroes caught in the dastardly clutches of the nefarious space no-goodniks?”
2016-08-28 03:45:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Tis but a scratch.
2016-08-28 03:46:38
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM I kept wondering when Adam West or Cesar Romero were going to burst in and gimme some POW! BANG! ZAP!
2016-08-28 03:47:04
@biakestacey: @MockTM All these guys, just chillin’ in formation on Psychlo, in case a Stave Three event happens to happen
2016-08-28 03:47:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why the HELL did a nuke that powerful have a manual right next to it?
2016-08-28 03:47:37
@EnduringBeta: @lousycanuck @DrRubidium @MockTM Woah, don’t get dizzy from all the needless Dutch angles!!
2016-08-28 03:48:05
@biakestacey: @MockTM Hooray for genocide!
2016-08-28 03:48:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey. I genocided your race. You know, for all the genocides you did to us.” “Okay. Seems fair.”
2016-08-28 03:49:14
@biakestacey: @MockTM Carlo? Oh, right, Dude #3
2016-08-28 03:49:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh right, we forgot about the big imposing dude behind us.”
2016-08-28 03:50:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ha ha, I’m a traitor now. Isn’t that fun?
2016-08-28 03:50:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And the humans have all the gold in Fort Knox to show the universe how subjugation is REALLY done.
2016-08-28 03:51:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now that they have the Psychlos technology and a penchant for warfare, these humans are a scarier monster than the Psychlos TBH.
2016-08-28 03:52:34
@biakestacey: @MockTM You know, I’d heard for years that this was a terrible movie among terrible movies. But a little part of me thought they exaggerated
2016-08-28 03:52:42
@biakestacey: @MockTM Now the only question is whether this year is the BATTLEFIELD EARTH of years or BATTLEFIELD EARTH is the 2016 of movies
2016-08-28 03:53:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What little I followed of this plot was an exercise in bad ideas by bad people all the way through. Typical of Hubbard.
2016-08-28 03:54:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I need to watch something good now to get that out of my system. I’ve been told to watch Death to Smoochy. I’ll do that now. Ughhhh.
2016-08-28 03:55:00
@biakestacey: @MockTM To truly appreciate the awfulness of BATTLEFIELD EARTH, you cannot be told. You must be shown.
2016-08-28 03:55:04
@CA7746: @MockTM I spent 2 hours searching an ebook for # of pages to reach the punchline.
It… may not be in there. About as rewarding as the film.
2016-08-28 03:55:54
@Doc_Destructo: @biakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM
WITH ENDLESS OPTIONS FOR RENEWAL
ENDLESS OPTIONS FOR RENEWAL
ENDLESS OPTIONS FOR RENEWAL
2016-08-28 03:57:26
@lousycanuck: @Doc_Destructo @biakestacey @MockTM DENTAL PLAN
2016-08-28 03:57:42
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM That was two hours better spent than actually watching the film, I assure you.
2016-08-28 03:58:33
@ChristineHaas6: @biakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM my eyes! It burns!!!
2016-08-28 04:00:44

The post #DIYSciZone Act of Whimsy: Battlefield Earth transcript #GGC16 appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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Mock the Movie: Tough And Deadly transcript https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/07/22/mock-movie-tough-deadly-transcript/ Sat, 23 Jul 2016 04:03:50 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15729 The post Mock the Movie: Tough And Deadly transcript appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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Okay, so let’s start trying to get this archive back up to date. I have no idea how long it’ll be before I get all the transcripts up, but, here you are: Tough And Deadly, a Billy Blanks and Roddy Piper joint, brackets TM close brackets.

As this is their second outing together, they have apparently developed something of a rapport with one another that none of the mockers could help but appreciate. I recall this as being a fun movie and something of a palate cleanser after Ray Burks subjected me to Glitter.

Mock date August 6th, 2015.

@lousycanuck: @MockTM You don’t know what a relief this is going to be, after Glitter and Crossroads.
2015-08-06 01:00:18
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, peak 1980s logo.

What? 1995? Oh.
2015-08-06 01:00:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I genuinely love Piper, and I genuinely love Billy Blanks, and this premise sounds eminently mockable.
2015-08-06 01:00:49
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Hey, he’s dead!
2015-08-06 01:00:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Tough /and/ Deadly. Well la de dah.
2015-08-06 01:00:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM it’s very easy-listening for a thriller soundtrack
2015-08-06 01:01:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM now those fields are just begging for some crop circles
2015-08-06 01:01:35
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM This has the same kind of charismatic opening as ‘Manos’
2015-08-06 01:01:35
@szvan: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM *chokes*
2015-08-06 01:01:43
@leilah: @MockTM Aaa! I’m late!
2015-08-06 01:02:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Their editor was also responsible for adjusting spacing between letters.” “I get it.” “Because kerning–” “I GET IT.”
2015-08-06 01:02:17
@szvan: @MockTM Which U.S. city is sporting these European plates?
2015-08-06 01:02:26
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay, we get it. Lots of people were to blame for this movie.
2015-08-06 01:02:52
@lousycanuck: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM WHAT TOO SOON? /zoidberg
2015-08-06 01:02:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Good morrow, sir. I assume you are to be the badass of the day?”
2015-08-06 01:03:06
@szvan: @MockTM A German kiss, on the other hand, happens at ten paces.
2015-08-06 01:03:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Schnell! Schnitzel! Ja, Ja!”
2015-08-06 01:03:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look at all these OBVIOUS VILLAINS. Because they have FOREIGN NAMES
2015-08-06 01:03:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “A matter of great importance”
You’re not wearing a turtleneck…
2015-08-06 01:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Grappling hook gently placed, sir!”
2015-08-06 01:03:47
@CA7746: @MockTM These are some stealthy Ghostbusters.
2015-08-06 01:03:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM Alarms neutralized really frickin’ easily, apparently
2015-08-06 01:04:22
@CarlieP: @MockTM Is he wearing a white jumpsuit to blend in with the walls?
2015-08-06 01:04:34
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Sir, dinner is re-Uhhhh”
2015-08-06 01:04:34
@szvan: @MockTM “Um, do you know how much paramilitary uniforms cost?”

“Okay. How about we borrow outfits from janitorial?”
2015-08-06 01:04:55
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM MY TURTLENECK!!
2015-08-06 01:05:17
@CA7746: @MockTM RAILING KILL #ThatDeescalatedQuickly
2015-08-06 01:05:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What, no Wilhelm Scream?
2015-08-06 01:05:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM TATSUMAKISENPUKYAKKUU
2015-08-06 01:05:57
@szvan: @MockTM Why do they never use scenes like these to advertise
comfort-fit men’s pants?
2015-08-06 01:06:12
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Me: I can’t think of anything funny to say.

@Rowsdower30: Because you’re not funny.
2015-08-06 01:06:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM MIND THE UPHOLSTERY!
2015-08-06 01:06:25
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM NOT THE BEAST! NOOOOO
2015-08-06 01:06:45
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Railing kill!
2015-08-06 01:06:47
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM So the dart made him fight like Steve Urkel?
2015-08-06 01:07:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Thirty-six hours later, Blanks is still drugged but still managing to somehow kill dozens of bad guys.
2015-08-06 01:07:44
@szvan: @MockTM That’s actually pretty good timing for a flight to LA.
2015-08-06 01:07:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM LA, city of class!
2015-08-06 01:08:27
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He’s gonna shoot him with a Bit-O-Honey!
2015-08-06 01:08:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, you just finish that?” “Yeah, but I have five more crates under the bed. Well, they ARE the bed.”
2015-08-06 01:08:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Piper’s name is… ELMO?
2015-08-06 01:09:13
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Elmo says, Mr Noodle is doing lines!
2015-08-06 01:09:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM MY CRACK!!
2015-08-06 01:10:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No Tiny, I said let’s GO, not let’s FIGHT.
2015-08-06 01:10:28
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM I…paid…for…HBO…in…this…room!!
2015-08-06 01:11:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Just think, they’re doing … DOLLARS of damage to that furniture.
2015-08-06 01:11:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Come back Tiny. Elmo wants to fight you. He can’t be THAT threatening.
2015-08-06 01:11:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Tiny, you don’t want to do this. No, actually, *I* don’t wanna do this. I suck at ladders! Look at my ring record!!”
2015-08-06 01:11:36
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Banksy tags LA!
2015-08-06 01:11:42
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM did he say “produce” when he hit him?
2015-08-06 01:11:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm So…many…ladders…
2015-08-06 01:12:06
@szvan: @MockTM Why are the extended scenes of ladder-climbing butt *not* the wrestler?
2015-08-06 01:12:10
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Tiny’s last name is Cox
2015-08-06 01:12:10
@CyberLizard: @mocktm “Eat shit, Elmo!” Big Bird’s most frequently uttered sentence.
2015-08-06 01:12:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Tiny, you’re gonna have a stroke dammit! And if you don’t, I’ll punch you until I do!
2015-08-06 01:12:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Piper smiles to himself. “Yup, another clean kill.”
2015-08-06 01:12:59
@leilah: @mocktm “I’m still breathing!”
2015-08-06 01:13:05
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, the banter!
2015-08-06 01:13:36
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM BIG 90s CARS, FULL OF BIG 90s MEN!
2015-08-06 01:14:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Better do something about that diaper rash, huh?” “First, I told you that in confidence. Second, I powder. Thanks for the concern.”
2015-08-06 01:14:15
@CarlieP: @szvan @MockTM “ladder-climbing butt” is a pretty good description of the shots they used. 😀
2015-08-06 01:14:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shoot, a fellow could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!
2015-08-06 01:14:37
@szvan: @MockTM So, just how did it go over the edge already upside down?
2015-08-06 01:15:04
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM must…get…to…DQ…
2015-08-06 01:15:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, that’s going to mess up his impeccable crew cut.
2015-08-06 01:15:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And then he gets hit by a bus. COSMIC IRONY
2015-08-06 01:15:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Aw, so close.
2015-08-06 01:15:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Don’t check his pulse, fool! He hates when people do that.
2015-08-06 01:15:45
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, please. He’s already been run over once. What will once more do?
2015-08-06 01:15:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is he alive?” “Barely. We could finish the job now if you want, or wait til the hospital.”
2015-08-06 01:16:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Keep jovially pounding people’s shoulders. That’s good detectiving strategy.
2015-08-06 01:17:05
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Dr. Manbat- you’re needed in surgery, Dr.Manbat”
#StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 01:17:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I really hope her name’s Janine.
2015-08-06 01:17:53
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “My giant shoulder pads will get you all the information you need”
2015-08-06 01:18:02
@szvan: @MockTM Real Genius did this scene so much better.
2015-08-06 01:18:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So Piper’s name is also Freech? ELMO FREECH? Was there like a random name generator at play here?
2015-08-06 01:18:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Reichmann specifically requested Quicksilver. No Scarlet Witch, no bloody Toad. QUICKSILVER.”
2015-08-06 01:18:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Please break the seal on your files. And gaze upon the evil within.”
2015-08-06 01:18:59
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “double tap? Good job”
2015-08-06 01:19:00
@leilah: @mocktm Eeeeeeeeeeeee! I love James Karen!
2015-08-06 01:19:38
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @MockTM Better than “Zap Rowsdower”
2015-08-06 01:19:42
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is that the Paper Chase guy?
2015-08-06 01:20:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s in pretty bad shape. He had to take this movie and got passed over for leads in a dozen others.”
2015-08-06 01:20:36
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’m Doctor Five O Clock Shadow”
2015-08-06 01:21:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m Dr. Hardjaw. Dr. Man Hardjaw.”
2015-08-06 01:21:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hmm, these ligature marks suggest he was bound by a specific linen found only at Target.”
2015-08-06 01:22:05
@szvan: @MockTM In which Piper fights his own stunt double, who didn’t bother to change for the scene.
2015-08-06 01:22:23
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Now which one’s the Paper Chase guy?! I’m so confused!
2015-08-06 01:22:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dr. Goodguy, I’m Dr. Badguy. I’ll be consulting on this amnesia victim.”
2015-08-06 01:22:53
@szvan: @MockTM “Mr. Freech, we can’t help but notice that people around you frequently end up a story or more down.”
2015-08-06 01:23:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is the guy who tried to make you eat the bullet. It was… underdone.”
2015-08-06 01:23:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’d you find?” “More people to kill, mostly.”
2015-08-06 01:24:11
@szvan: @MockTM My prints weren’t on file until a few years ago. I was a ghost?
2015-08-06 01:24:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’re a ghost. And you know who that means I call.”
2015-08-06 01:24:48
@blakestacey: @szvan @MockTM Ooo OOOO oooooo!
2015-08-06 01:25:07
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM I mean, there were times I felt invisible.
2015-08-06 01:25:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Say what you will about Piper, he knows how high to wear the waist on a pair of jeans.
2015-08-06 01:25:39
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Wake up! It’s time to die!”
2015-08-06 01:26:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Pff. Toetag City is just a myth.
2015-08-06 01:26:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “-you’re next stop is Toe Tag City!”
Ya hoser
2015-08-06 01:26:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Hmm. Maybe I pulled you outta the hospital too early? Nah.
2015-08-06 01:27:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “No, I’m a multiple-contusion groupie.” [mellow sax plays]
2015-08-06 01:27:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dental plan… dental plan… dental plan…”
2015-08-06 01:27:37
@szvan: @MockTM Max Headroom did this scene so much better.
2015-08-06 01:27:47
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Quick Quick Slow Slow Quick… and now you’re cha-cha-ing!
2015-08-06 01:27:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick. Quick. Quick. That’s it! I LOVE CHOCOLATE MILK!”
2015-08-06 01:28:02
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s nice they coordinated their ties. Wouldn’t want to wear the same one.
2015-08-06 01:28:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Or D. REPTILIANS.”
2015-08-06 01:28:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sir, Quicksilver has been degaussed.” “And if he was magnetic, that would mean something.” #jokestolenfrommst3k
2015-08-06 01:28:50
@szvan: @MockTM Damn it. If only I’d known I could do anything I wanted before I was fingerprinted. I feel cheated.
2015-08-06 01:29:01
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I don’t know what I’m doing here- I’m an accountant from Milwaukee!”
2015-08-06 01:29:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh hell, this is the dream sequence where Uhura does the fan dance isn’t it!?
2015-08-06 01:29:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM We now rejoin a ninja movie, already in progress
2015-08-06 01:29:43
@szvan: @MockTM Somebody needs an overhead fan. Come on. It’s LA.
2015-08-06 01:29:52
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Jesus got tough livin’ in the streets, yo
2015-08-06 01:29:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That’s cute. Make fun of my coffee. I only put a LITTLE strychnine in it. For flavour!!”
2015-08-06 01:30:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM sure I’ve missed 1/3 of the movie, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter
2015-08-06 01:30:41
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM AWWW, they make SUCH a cute couple!
2015-08-06 01:30:48
@szvan: @MockTM Training montage!!!!
2015-08-06 01:31:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “what I got on the calendar today, eh?”
2015-08-06 01:31:23
@CA7746: @MockTM I seriously doubt his doctor recommended this.
2015-08-06 01:31:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I just had Tae Bo flashbacks #kickkickkick
2015-08-06 01:31:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Whaddaya got in mind?” “Ever see Rocky?” “And this’ll… help with my memory??
2015-08-06 01:31:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh please. Billy Blanks could ALWAYS outdo you, Piper.
2015-08-06 01:31:56
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Hey, that’s cheating, lifting his legs for him!
2015-08-06 01:32:01
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Oh man, are they gonna frolic in the waves like in Rocky?
2015-08-06 01:32:06
@DrRubidium: @mockTM Mo is jealous of Roddy Pipper’s highlights, tho
2015-08-06 01:32:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM I have to wonder if this is a medically sanctioned procedure
2015-08-06 01:32:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, I’ll admit, that was cute
2015-08-06 01:32:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ready for a little work?” “Hahahaha have you even caught your breath yet?”
2015-08-06 01:32:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Sexy sax-now it’s time for thee lovin’
2015-08-06 01:33:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I saw this same montage in Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV
2015-08-06 01:33:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Why’d you leave the cops?” “I was a loose cannon, all right? I was on the edge!”
2015-08-06 01:33:44
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM His head is healed already? Is he Wolverine?
2015-08-06 01:34:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Hey baby, let’s go back to my place and listen to some Vanilla Ice”
2015-08-06 01:34:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Trinidad thinks I’m here.” “The entire country? What a PR stunt.”
2015-08-06 01:34:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Mo’s Laura Ashley dress, y’all #DED
2015-08-06 01:35:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh hell, I forgot that girls exist AND that I don’t drink whiskey!”
2015-08-06 01:35:09
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM GIRL GOOD. FIRE BAD.
2015-08-06 01:35:18
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Drinking’s bad, m’kay
2015-08-06 01:35:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where’s the restroom?” “Outside, back wall of the alley.”
2015-08-06 01:35:40
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “You made my eyes cross, too!”
2015-08-06 01:35:55
@szvan: @MockTM Working theory: This movie was filmed in the 1980s but not released until some major stakeholder had died.
2015-08-06 01:35:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You made me spill my beer” is apparently the 80s movie equivalent of “you looked at me funny”
2015-08-06 01:36:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Durrrrrrrrrr
2015-08-06 01:36:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick! Quick! Yes, that’s it! MY NAME IS JACK B. NIMBLE!”
2015-08-06 01:36:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Undertaker’s fallen on hard times and has to hassle people for $10 at a time.
2015-08-06 01:37:03
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Well, that escalated quickly
2015-08-06 01:37:13
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM People were really bad at fighting in the 90s
2015-08-06 01:37:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this is the most ethnically diverse country bar in the history of bars and country music
2015-08-06 01:37:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the land of no fighting skills, Billy Blanks shall lead.
2015-08-06 01:38:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So… nachos?”
2015-08-06 01:38:20
@CA7746: @MockTM Maybe dude fell off a lotta cliffs?
2015-08-06 01:38:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Any idea where you learned to fight like that?” “Well, definitely not watching wrestling.”
2015-08-06 01:38:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I remembered something” “You used to wear a kilt”
2015-08-06 01:38:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM breaking an arm sounds nothing like that, FYI
2015-08-06 01:38:39
@CA7746: @MockTM C’mon, it’s like riding a bike. Show me how you ride a bicycle!
2015-08-06 01:38:59
@CarlieP: @mocktm Wow, that was a quick cut.
2015-08-06 01:39:03
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Ancient Fighting Shit is the name of my next band
2015-08-06 01:39:08
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ooh it’s like a ‘Dirty Dancing’ sequence!
2015-08-06 01:39:34
@CA7746: @MockTM I’m sorry. Wasn’t thinkin’.
*Slam*
Hey, that’s not very apologetic!
2015-08-06 01:39:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM DON’T SHAKE HIS HAND HE’S A HEEL
2015-08-06 01:39:45
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM 🎶Huuuungrryy eyesss🎶
2015-08-06 01:39:55
@szvan: @MockTM This scene won’t be remotely homoerotic.
2015-08-06 01:39:57
@CarlieP: @mocktm I’ve been trading meme jokes with my kid and have no idea what’s going on, but I’m mesmerized by his great hair.
2015-08-06 01:40:00
@CA7746: @MockTM Alright already, you got him agitated. He’s clearly unwilling to teach you how to kick.
2015-08-06 01:40:10
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM Neither is pro wrestling!
2015-08-06 01:40:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I said I’m I’m soory, ya hoser!”
2015-08-06 01:40:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Show me some of that ancient fighting shit.” ~ White guy
2015-08-06 01:40:21
@CA7746: @MockTM “What are you two doing!?”
It’s not what it looks like!
Elmo wanted a tickle.
2015-08-06 01:40:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM OH, JUST KISS ALREADY!
2015-08-06 01:40:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you two doing!?” “He’s teaching me how to kick! Apparently it involves punches!”
2015-08-06 01:40:35
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Not as good as when Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy kicked each others’ asses
2015-08-06 01:40:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I long for the fight scene in They Live.
2015-08-06 01:41:26
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Billy stole his shirt from the secretary…but he doesn’t fill it out as well
2015-08-06 01:41:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM I demand that cues be broken in this scene!
2015-08-06 01:41:55
@CanonicalKoi: @lousycanuck @szvan @MockTM Be gentle with the Rowdy One, terrible as that movie is. *shudders delicately*
2015-08-06 01:41:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Five hit combo! Wow! What’s got Piper all riled up tonight?
2015-08-06 01:42:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Yet another troubled bar in need of Patrick Swazye’s assistance.
2015-08-06 01:42:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “That slut was my sister”- heard daily in Florida
2015-08-06 01:42:35
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’s he gotta beat on the foley guy?
Hasn’t he suffered enough?
2015-08-06 01:42:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nice stick.” “Yeah, I guess. Never did that for me. But then I never swung it at nobody, so.”
2015-08-06 01:43:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wow, his penis really objects to being held when he pees!
2015-08-06 01:43:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He told me to tell you he was smiling.” “Really? I hate emotion!!”
2015-08-06 01:44:11
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Sir…I have homework- can I go now?
2015-08-06 01:44:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that mullet. That was a look. Not a good one.
2015-08-06 01:44:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Ouch, right in the knee. Don’t worry. Jogging will heal that right up.
2015-08-06 01:45:03
@CA7746: @MockTM *Wince* Now, you’ll need a round of jumping jacks too.
2015-08-06 01:45:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is that Jon Favreau?
2015-08-06 01:45:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Oh, wait, I totally had something for this. Uh… Don’t forget to floss!”
2015-08-06 01:46:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So am I finished with you gentlemen?” “Yeah, you’ve already pre-filed for Frequent Murderer Miles, filled the forms.. You’re good”
2015-08-06 01:46:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Milan, we have a slight problem. We prefer to handle this within the community. We have a … missing stair.”
2015-08-06 01:46:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM The Trump campaign headquarters is heavily guarded
2015-08-06 01:46:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s not the Community, it’s the Company! Sheesh.
2015-08-06 01:47:00
@szvan: @CanonicalKoi @lousycanuck @MockTM We mock with love.
2015-08-06 01:47:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM White man shoots somebody and he gets a copy of a report? Talk about watching whiteness at work.
2015-08-06 01:47:23
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM That’s how I always greeted guests when I worked at Disney
2015-08-06 01:48:01
@szvan: @MockTM Freech has a little bit of a problem with tracking motion on those big, long roundhouse kicks.
2015-08-06 01:48:01
@CyberLizard: @mocktm There’s a lot of people on their knees in front of Elmo. I’m just sayin’
2015-08-06 01:48:03
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the best thing about this movie is Phil Morris’ jawline
2015-08-06 01:48:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, wait, wait. This sucks. I’m supposed to win this fight! McMahon scheduled me to win!!”
2015-08-06 01:48:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM My dental work!
2015-08-06 01:48:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Let’s go to my friend’s house.” “To sort this out?” “Nah, he’s got a Super Nintendo.”
2015-08-06 01:49:19
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Let’s go to my friends house- he has a pool”
2015-08-06 01:49:31
@CyberLizard: @mocktm So @Rowsdower30 just took off her underwear. I’m not sure of the significance of this…
2015-08-06 01:49:39
@lousycanuck: @CyberLizard @MockTM @Rowsdower30 Look. It’s Piper, AND Billy Blanks. I’M about to.
2015-08-06 01:50:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Nah, didn’t happen. Less there’s something in it for him. Or it’s true love.”
2015-08-06 01:50:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Predator-Vision!
2015-08-06 01:50:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Opa!!”
2015-08-06 01:50:34
@CyberLizard: @mocktm HAY, he blinked!
2015-08-06 01:51:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Ooh is he going to pose in each room?
2015-08-06 01:51:37
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @CyberLizard @MockTM As long as it’s not Joe Don Baker…
2015-08-06 01:51:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ahh! Ahh! Ugh! Ahh!” *bang bang bang* “Ah, a good clean silent kill.”
2015-08-06 01:52:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I call this move Monkey Tosses Bookshelf”
2015-08-06 01:53:07
@szvan: @MockTM I hate it when our heroes forget they know how to fight.
2015-08-06 01:53:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s hell on Formica.
2015-08-06 01:53:25
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM My Hummel figurines!!
2015-08-06 01:53:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM no trained law enforcement agent hold their gun like that
2015-08-06 01:53:41
@szvan: @MockTM Someone in the production company owned shares in sugar glass.
2015-08-06 01:53:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ow ow ow owie splinters owie owie
2015-08-06 01:53:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Guys, I’m really tired. One of you’s going to have to watch.” NO INNUENDO HERE NOPE NOPE
2015-08-06 01:54:19
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “One’a you guys is gonna have to watch….me shave my legs”
2015-08-06 01:54:54
@CyberLizard: @mocktm @lousycanuck If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told that…
2015-08-06 01:54:55
@szvan: @MockTM Montage of boring shoe-leather PI work!
2015-08-06 01:55:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well you got anything?” “Publisher’s Clearing House. We may have already won a million dollars!”
2015-08-06 01:55:00
@CarlieP: @mocktm “I could live for a year on what he spends on his phone bill.” Ha – remember back when long distance cost extra?
2015-08-06 01:55:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What numbers did he call before that? Did they start with 555? A PATTERN!”
2015-08-06 01:55:47
@szvan: @MockTM “I remember this number!”
2015-08-06 01:55:47
@CarlieP: @mocktm Know what makes for compelling tv? Combing through phone records.
2015-08-06 01:55:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm 555-0000? Really?
2015-08-06 01:56:23
@CarlieP: @mocktm If the pay phone was busted, how… never mind.
2015-08-06 01:56:41
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I woulda noticed a tail” “I’m REALLY into furries”
2015-08-06 01:56:43
@szvan: @MockTM I mean, how many black guys are there in LA?
2015-08-06 01:57:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “CI-fucking-A? This is Canada! I mean…LA!”
2015-08-06 01:57:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No. No mocking. The gate scene was absolutely fucking gold. That is Indy shooting the guy gold.
2015-08-06 01:58:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, great, the deserted industrial zone level!
2015-08-06 01:58:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “was they bandits?” Yeah, that word hasn’t been popular in, like, 100 years
2015-08-06 01:58:55
@szvan: @MockTM I always wanted an ankle holster in the days of skinny jeans.
2015-08-06 01:59:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM STEALTH LOUD BARREL ATTACK
2015-08-06 01:59:13
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’ll go around the back, you go around the front”
They have such cute names for sex
2015-08-06 01:59:24
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM I’ve played this level!
2015-08-06 01:59:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa, whoa, foreign objects! RING THE BELL REF!
2015-08-06 02:00:10
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Heellpp! I’m…I’m STUCK!”
2015-08-06 02:00:11
@CyberLizard: @mocktm So he’s going to attack with his junk?
2015-08-06 02:00:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He’s presenting like a mandrill!
2015-08-06 02:00:22
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM RAILING KILL!
2015-08-06 02:00:59
@szvan: @MockTM What is it with this movie and fighters in cut-rate Carhartts?
2015-08-06 02:01:05
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Please don’t use those stairs!”
2015-08-06 02:01:13
@CarlieP: @mocktm WHERE DID HE GET THAT GUN FROM
2015-08-06 02:01:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Spray and pray is statistically grossly unlikely to actually kill a hero. And yet every movie villain from the 80s and 90s tries it.
2015-08-06 02:01:44
@szvan: @MockTM Wait, is Piper facing his stunt double again?
2015-08-06 02:01:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM wait, when did Billy change his shirt again?! The wardrobe bill must have been MONSTROUS!
2015-08-06 02:02:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, snap.
2015-08-06 02:02:09
@CarlieP: @mocktm This is like that scene in Shawn of the Dead when they met the other matching gang.
2015-08-06 02:02:13
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’d Elmo have THAT CD?
2015-08-06 02:03:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you doing?” “Just putting on some music for a little sexual healing.” “This the best you can do?” *puts on Barry White*
2015-08-06 02:03:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ahh, the acid washed denim button down shirts…I miss the 90s
2015-08-06 02:03:16
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, boys in high-waisted acid washed jeans. Those were the days. Of something.
2015-08-06 02:03:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Harrison Ford did that scene better
2015-08-06 02:03:17
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Really? We’re going to with the stereotyping black/white music?
2015-08-06 02:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “HEY HEY MOVE AWAY FROM THE STEREO. No more white people music!”
2015-08-06 02:03:46
@CarlieP: @mocktm “Dreeeeam weaver, I believe you can get me through the niiiight…”
2015-08-06 02:03:48
@leilah: @mocktm That love scene music was a bit worrying.
2015-08-06 02:03:53
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM you know these kids with their hippity hippity music
2015-08-06 02:03:57
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Someone’s gonna make sweet love to some chop suey
2015-08-06 02:04:47
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM AWWW, a baby MRA!
2015-08-06 02:05:16
@CyberLizard: @mocktm @Rowsdower30 IT’S A TRILBY!
2015-08-06 02:05:35
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM They’re super serious about their Splenda shipments
2015-08-06 02:05:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *bang bang* “Oh, boys roughhousing again. BE SERIOUS, GUARDS, WE GOTTA GUARD THIS PLACE FROM GOOD GUYS”
2015-08-06 02:06:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM And he goes off to do this by himself because movie climax
2015-08-06 02:06:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Yeah, whatever. *sigh* Oh why must I love that asshole.”
2015-08-06 02:07:04
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ryan Reynolds in a bad mustache?
2015-08-06 02:07:31
@leilah: @MockTM “Or I’ll plug you right now.” Who knew this movie would be so frank about its homoeroticism?
2015-08-06 02:08:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm They just don’t make security goons like they used to.
2015-08-06 02:08:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And THAT’S how you do a chair spot!!”
2015-08-06 02:08:34
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is his head gone?!?
2015-08-06 02:08:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM DO NOT QUESTION THE CHAIR LEG OF TRUTH!
2015-08-06 02:08:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Her car antenna has a ball at the end.
Wouldn’t want to poke an eye out when you’re roughhousing.
2015-08-06 02:08:54
@CarlieP: @mocktm I like how they’re in matching blue denim outfits.
2015-08-06 02:09:19
@lousycanuck: @CarlieP @MockTM It’s like a best-buds uniform! And/or a using the same wardrobe to dress in the morning uniform. 🙂
2015-08-06 02:09:51
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I miss my acid-washed denim jacket 🙁
2015-08-06 02:09:51
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Hey, I was just gonna get some Doritos from the machine!”
2015-08-06 02:09:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Ew. He stepped in goon pee!
2015-08-06 02:10:07
@CA7746: @MockTM *Foley tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:10:28
@spindyk: @MockTM I wonder what they do if they run out of suitcases to put the money in.
2015-08-06 02:10:39
@szvan: @MockTM Aww. He hides so well.
2015-08-06 02:10:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You can tell they’re supposed to be stealthy by all the background tinkle. @CA7746 o
2015-08-06 02:11:02
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM You know that closet is full of various shades of denim shirts.
2015-08-06 02:11:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM When do the sparkly vampires show up?
Wrong movie? …oh
2015-08-06 02:11:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM That’s a lot of money back now #StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 02:11:56
@CA7746: @MockTM One black, one white? Just look for denim!
2015-08-06 02:12:01
@szvan: @MockTM “Two men. One black, one white. A little matchy-matchy in the denim outfits.”
2015-08-06 02:12:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I am suddenly gripped with an irrepressible urge to learn how foleys make a tinkling sound effect.
2015-08-06 02:12:32
@CarlieP: @mocktm LET’S DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE OF DIFFERENT RACES BUT ON THE SAME TEAM BY SAYING IT OUT LOUD
2015-08-06 02:12:33
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “one black, one white!”
“No, they’re NOT penguins!”
2015-08-06 02:12:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “SHUT UP HAT GUY.”
2015-08-06 02:12:46
@CA7746: @MockTM *Bang bang bang* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:13:14
@CyberLizard: @lousycanuck @mocktm Pretty much what most everyone says to every gamergater ever
2015-08-06 02:13:15
@szvan: @MockTM It’s so good that they managed to teach each other stealth by the movie’s climax.
2015-08-06 02:13:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “NOTHING goes out of here til I get my money. Except me. And Dennis. And possibly oxygen. Birds. Bullets.”
2015-08-06 02:14:02
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Awww yeeeeah, the soundtrack kicks in
2015-08-06 02:14:19
@szvan: @MockTM The sound mixing makes it just a wee bit obvious that this movie doesn’t value its dialogue.
2015-08-06 02:14:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wheeeee!
2015-08-06 02:14:35
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I REGRET NOTHING!!!
2015-08-06 02:14:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM PEW PEW PEW, Ah-ah-ah! Thank goodness I turned the sound up so I could hear the dialogue.
2015-08-06 02:14:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM NOT THE SPLENDA!!!
2015-08-06 02:14:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM SHORYUKEN
2015-08-06 02:14:58
@szvan: @MockTM Come on. We need poofs of coke with every punch!
2015-08-06 02:15:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm Fun fact: tea is packed in those same cardboard/metal barrels. We had some at home from the Nestea plant my grandma worked at.
2015-08-06 02:15:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait. That toll cabinet just fell and hit Blanks on the back and he gave not a shit. He no-sold the same thing he hit the dude with!
2015-08-06 02:15:36
@CA7746: @MockTM *BOOM* *Thwack* *Dudduleeoo* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:15:55
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM It’th a spthore gun! #Nonsequiter #StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 02:16:08
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Um, didn’t he already figure out he’s CIA?
2015-08-06 02:16:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You mean I’m CIA?” “You mean you don’t know? I mean, uh, I don’t know! Shit! The gig is up!”
2015-08-06 02:16:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You mean I’m CIA? Well, I *was* not there on the stair.”
2015-08-06 02:16:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why is anyone taking orders from you, Hat Guy? Pssh. I’ll find them on my own time.”
2015-08-06 02:16:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm Where are all these grenades coming from?!
2015-08-06 02:16:59
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wheeeeeeeeee!
Mommy look I’m flying!!
2015-08-06 02:17:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Backflip trumps bulletspray every time
2015-08-06 02:17:25
@CyberLizard: @CarlieP @mocktm It’s like playing Uncharted. They just pressed triangle to pick them up!
2015-08-06 02:17:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, the roll away from stomp trope.
2015-08-06 02:17:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Wait to shoot at me till I kick the gun out of your hand! Good job!
2015-08-06 02:17:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Too bad this is not Wide World of Sports.”
2015-08-06 02:18:10
@szvan: @MockTM Uh, where’d the shovel go? Into the land of inconvenient props?
2015-08-06 02:18:19
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Maybe all the suits I’ve worn are ill-fitting, but you can’t lift your arms, much less do spin-kicks in them without tearing
2015-08-06 02:18:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Holy shit. This movie is basically a crap The Bourne Identity, but IT CAME FIRST
2015-08-06 02:18:39
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM You’re the one who stole my mousse, didn’t you?!
2015-08-06 02:18:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think you’re fucked here Jake.” *choke* “Okay, no, sorry, I’m fucked.”
2015-08-06 02:19:27
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that right there was an advanced Tae Bo move
2015-08-06 02:19:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Explain it to them. With bullets. It’s the only language they understand.”
2015-08-06 02:19:50
@CyberLizard: @mocktm BLACK HELICOPTERS!!! The gubmint is here!!!1!
2015-08-06 02:20:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Explain it to them!” [fires machine gun] “No, no, I meant think of a clever turn of phrasing!”
2015-08-06 02:20:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Explain it to them”
“No! I meant go down there and draw a diagram, not shoot!”
2015-08-06 02:20:14
@szvan: @MockTM Wait! The movie’s almost over and we haven’t blown everything up yet!
2015-08-06 02:20:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, we can’t resolve things yet! We still have all this BUDGET TO BLOW!”
2015-08-06 02:20:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Ouch, I landed on my keys!
2015-08-06 02:20:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “sorry- you had a bug on your shirt”
2015-08-06 02:21:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey.” *punch* “Frankie says relax.”
2015-08-06 02:21:41
@szvan: @MockTM “Sir? We seem to have blown our Excess-O-Meter.”
2015-08-06 02:21:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH HOLY HELL BLANKS PICKED HIM UP BY THE NIPPLES
2015-08-06 02:22:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie is about five years too late for the sheer amount of denim and cocaine on display
2015-08-06 02:22:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Two nutshots, really?
2015-08-06 02:22:25
@CA7746: @MockTM Drop your weapons! You have 20 seconds to comply.
2015-08-06 02:22:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM No quippy line with that face kick?
Like “You want fries with that?”
2015-08-06 02:22:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM LOL! Back when people still went through the charade of taste testing cocaine. How quaint.
2015-08-06 02:22:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Haha, he brought a gun to a gunship fight.
2015-08-06 02:22:52
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Hey, we’ve got like 10 squbs left. What should we do with them?
2015-08-06 02:23:05
@CA7746: @MockTM *BOOOOOOOM* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:23:06
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Splenda is highly flammable, doncha know
2015-08-06 02:23:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You all right?” “Yeah, people offered to take me to the hospital but we haven’t done the denouement yet.”
2015-08-06 02:24:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He would NOT stop singing “Shake It Off!”
2015-08-06 02:24:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sizeable and tax-free.” “Does it come in penis form?”
2015-08-06 02:24:39
@szvan: @MockTM If he doesn’t share with Mo, I’m going to have to have words with him.
2015-08-06 02:24:48
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’ll take my payments in kilts”
2015-08-06 02:24:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I like my compensation like I like my men: sizable and tax-free
2015-08-06 02:24:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM Aww. He doesn’t want to be apart.
2015-08-06 02:25:11
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wait…was there a PLOT to this movie?
2015-08-06 02:25:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That was an absolutely glorious movie. Everything I ever want in a love story.
2015-08-06 02:25:29
@CarlieP: @mocktm “What do we have to score the background music?” “Used up the budget on explosives, can only afford the chimes”.
2015-08-06 02:25:42
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM +1
2015-08-06 02:25:54
@szvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Plus a wisecracking woman!
2015-08-06 02:26:03
@CarlieP: @mocktm The girl doesn’t even make an appearance at the end?
2015-08-06 02:26:27
@CA7746: @MockTM If you listen closely, there’s a whole orchestra accompanying the chimes. I assume.
2015-08-06 02:26:41
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM That is exactly how I’m positioning this transcript. A love story between Piper and Blanks with a wisecracking sidekick woman
2015-08-06 02:26:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Not the worst Roddy Piper movie I’ve even seen, just the second Roddy Piper movie.
2015-08-06 02:27:44
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM I can just imagine the nightmares I’ll have
“Denim…sax music…Billy Blanks no!”
2015-08-06 02:28:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That has all but made me forget Hell Comes To — AH HELL I REMEMBER IT NOW
2015-08-06 02:28:16
@lousycanuck: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM Nightmares… or night-awesome-sex-dreams?
2015-08-06 02:29:09
@szvan: @MockTM Now I want to watch the other Roddy Piper-Billy Blanks movie.
2015-08-06 02:29:27
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @MockTM I’ll end up dry-humping @CyberLizard murmuring “Mmm training montage”
2015-08-06 02:30:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OKAY, SHOW’S OVER, THERE ARE NO AFTER CREDITS SCENES WITH THEM MAKING OUT TENDERLY
2015-08-06 02:30:51
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @Rowsdower30 @MockTM Doin’ the the denouement…
2015-08-06 02:30:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Urbandictionary has no entry for “denouement”. #Disappointed
2015-08-06 02:35:38
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Sorry. You can create one though. But chances are unless it digs at feminists, it won’t get upvoted.
2015-08-06 02:36:29
@lousycanuck: @DrRubidium @MockTM Were you not in on Hell Comes to Frog Town?
2015-08-06 02:36:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Good news, everyone. I found a free (with ads) Masters of the Universe. DOLPH LUNDGREN AS HE-MAN. COME ON!! http://t.co/SCoG0oeERi
2015-08-06 02:37:32
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @MockTM http://t.co/jrc4146mXa
2015-08-06 02:39:30

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Frivolous Friday: the Cadillac of Boxed Mac And Cheese https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/05/13/frivolous-friday-the-cadillac-of-boxed-mac-and-cheese/ https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/05/13/frivolous-friday-the-cadillac-of-boxed-mac-and-cheese/#comments Fri, 13 May 2016 17:23:36 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15722 The post Frivolous Friday: the Cadillac of Boxed Mac And Cheese appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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A Canadian favourite. President's Choice White Cheddar Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese Dinner

Folks, that is what I am having for lunch today. Only Canadians or Canadian-adjacent people know the comparative glory of this particular no-name-brand boxed mac and cheese. If Kraft Dinner ain’t your thing, this is not an alternative to take lightly.

I order it from Canada by the case.

Yes, seriously.

And no, before you ask, the President’s Choice imprimateur shouldn’t be Prime Minister, because it’s the president of the grocery company they’re referring to. This is the Loblaws (and other grocery chains) store brand.

The post Frivolous Friday: the Cadillac of Boxed Mac And Cheese appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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Ethical Gamer: Undertale https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/05/09/ethical-gamer-undertale/ https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/05/09/ethical-gamer-undertale/#comments Mon, 09 May 2016 19:49:02 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15705 The post Ethical Gamer: Undertale appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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That’s it. I’m doing the big one. The one I’ve been waiting to talk about for a long time.

But, I’m going back on my word — in the last installment of Ethical Gamer, I said I was going to have a bad time. Couldn’t do it. Not sorry.

There are a number of reasons why I couldn’t, but the biggest reason is, there’s a meta-narrative woven into the texture of the game that works in such a way that I can’t bring myself to actually press that reset button.

This game is impossible to discuss from a morality standpoint without heavy, HEAVY spoiling. If you haven’t played it, it’s $10, it’ll take you about 10 hrs to play through to the “good ending”, and longer if you decide you want to also see the “bad ending”. And it is worth literally every penny, I swear to you. If you are a video gamer of at least the SNES era, this is aimed square at you — you are its target audience, and it’s a love letter to everything you love about video games. But the why of it all, I honestly can’t tell you without spoiling the game, so I’ll be doing this below the fold.

Fair warning. Don’t click here if you haven’t played it.

THIS ESPECIALLY MEANS YOU, LUX. Do NOT click! Ah, ah, I saw that! Go finish your Lux Play instead.

A spoiler-free review:

Undertale was, by and large, created by one guy: Toby Fox. He built the majority of the game in Gamemaker Studio, did the majority of the sprites, did all the music, all the plot. A few other people get credit for some parts of the game, like Temmie Chang, or some of the Kickstarter backers who designed certain characters you can encounter. But, the game was a one-man show, backed on a Kickstarter that asked for $5000 but got $50,000 instead. It’s since gone on to sell literal millions of copies, at $10 apiece.

A surface read of the gameplay mechanics would give you little indication why, though. You walk around, fight creatures, dodge attacks in bullet hell, solve very simple puzzles like pushing rocks or flipping switches.

Visually, the game resembles a less-polished SNES-era JRPG, of the sort with tile-based backgrounds, amateurish pixel art, sparing parallax, poor overhead perspective, and even a self-referential joke about how cubes are easier assets to draw than beds. Any programmers using placeholder art in their game tinkerings know that one is a wink and a nudge to those of us who are keenly aware of their strengths and weaknesses who are trying to do just enough to get by, and who hope the strengths overshadow those weaknesses. I feel this one keenly. Graphics are not why you’re here, though.

The music on the other hand, being Toby Fox’s obvious strong suit, is itself worth the price of admission. You can tell he understands both what made a lot of SNES era music great, and how to both use music that is evocative of certain classics like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy to weave together a cohesive and fitting musical score, and also give us more information, a sort of aural level of feedback, about each of the characters you encounter.

Papyrus’ theme is playful and puzzling, with Bonetrousle reminding me more than a little of Tetris. You never get the sense that the stakes in your fight with him are your life — he’s playing a game, and he wants you to play along, even though losing means he captures you. But that just proves that it was all just a game — your life is never in danger in the fight against Papyrus, and you’ll never see a Game Over screen against him, no matter how poorly you perform against him. Lose several times, and he’ll give up on fighting you altogether, giving you the option to just… skip him. To continue on your journey even though you haven’t earned it.

Toriel’s Heartache grieves that she has to force you to fight, thinking she needs to harden you to face the world, as any good mother might. The music tells you as much about the emotional state of the scene as her attacks and dialogue do, when she loses her resolve and can’t keep aiming them at you when you’ve taken enough damage that you might die on the next round. She WAS resolved to make you make tough decisions, but she couldn’t commit to them herself, even when she was holding your hand literally walking you through puzzles not half a dozen screens back.

And if you’ve been a very naughty little spirit, slaughtering everything in the Underground, Sans — the lazybones who loves his brother and wants to stop the genocidal maniac who killed him — reveals his true power, to the tune of Toby Fox’s long standing signature theme that uniformly means you’re gonna get your shit wrecked: Megalovania. And that music’s instrument samples are not just the peppy chiptune you’ve heard since the beginning — you’re suddenly hearing real electric guitars, drums and a meaty bass line and you know that means shit just got real.

The game’s music doesn’t so much employ leitmotif to tweak the emotions of any particular scene, as it does give you a master class on it. This is clearly Toby Fox’s true forte — not composing specifically, insofar as the composition of most of the songs in the game resemble maybe a little too much some piece of video game nostalgia, but on using leitmotif to directly play a person’s emotions like an instrument unto itself. In fact, I would classify the score as being so integral to the emotional impact of the plot that I would imagine the experience would likely ring hollow without it. This is the first game I’ve found myself revisiting the experience through the music alone, though there’s more than one reason for my not having replayed the game proper.

Those of you who really think you didn’t care about spoilers so much, but are still here because you wanted to simply read the review, now’s your last chance to get out of the pool. Go buy the game. You’ll enjoy it, trust me.

The majority of people playing Undertale, if you’re playing just to get through the main plot and see the ending sequence and don’t care about getting “the perfect ending”, will have had an experience something like this: they will have played through the ruins, maybe fighting a couple of enemies but not necessarily grinding. They will have accepted Toriel at her word that the player must fight her, and cannot show mercy. They will have felt incredibly guilty, and will from that point try to be as pacifist as they can. They will have proceeded through the game with that ethos firmly embedded in their psyches, and they’ll have attempted to avoid at least killing any of the bosses. They’ll have beaten Asgore, and have freaked out at what they see as the “uber boss” in the Eldritch Flowey. But they’ll have achieved the “neutral ending”, being approached afterward by Flowey, who says that maybe it would have been better if you’d not have killed anyone throughout the game. They’ll have escaped the underground via the combination of their own soul and Asgore’s; the pair of souls is enough to allow them to cross the barrier and return home. But everyone in the underground is still trapped.

"Howdy! I'm FLOWEY. FLOWEY the FLOWER!" And he's about to become possibly the single creepiest antagonist in a video game you've ever seen.
“Howdy! I’m FLOWEY. FLOWEY the FLOWER!”
And he’s about to become possibly the single creepiest antagonist in a video game you’ve ever seen.

But, for some fraction of you, you’ll have realized you did the wrong thing when you killed Toriel. You’ll have reset the game, using the “reset” option on your save file. After you save Toriel at that point, Flowey knows what you did. He calls you on it — he knows you reset the game to save Toriel. And he is unimpressed that you are trying to play by your own rules. He is thoroughly nonplussed by the fact that you have these abilities.

Why is he able to know this? For that matter, why are you able to save your game in the first place? Why do you continue to be able to play this game after being killed? Because, your character has one special ability: determination. It is mentioned at every save point and you think, up until now, that it’s just a cute repeat construction, a little quirk of the way the game was written. And this is a power that, until you entered the underground, only Flowey had. Saving your game, restoring from it, resetting the whole game — that’s not actually just a game mechanic. It exists in the game world as something that another entity — Flowey — can observe and recognize as such. Determination allows you to manipulate time itself.

And during the Eldritch Flowey fight, when he has six human souls in his possession and his powers are exponentially greater than they once were, he is suddenly in full control of time — and he is able to save and load from different save files mid-fight. He abuses save states the way a player might against a particularly tough boss. He saves his state while he starts launching an attack, and if he misses, he’ll load that state and not only thoroughly disorient you (because it all just jumped backward and you can’t react quickly enough to dodge this time), but he’ll save the state after he’s succeeded. The thing that makes Flowey so scary, so thoroughly horrifying as a boss, is not the psychotic imagery he plays on the television he now has for a face, nor the infinitely growing plant limbs he gained, nor the body-horror mouth made out of flesh, teeth and misplaced eyeballs. It’s not the laser-focused attacks that are undodgeable, nor the salvos of bombs that he launches that cover the entire bottom of the playing field, turning it all into an inescapeable “kill zone”. It’s the fact that he’s now in control of everything — of the timeline, of save states, of the game itself. And when he kills you, he laughs at you and then turns off the game, forcing you to re-launch it. He’s taken over the entire game universe to a point where you, as a player, have had every scrap of control stolen from you. Well, not EVERY scrap. I MIGHT get to that soon.

When you beat him, you’ve escaped from the underground, but the monsters left behind are still stuck behind the barrier. Any that survived your neutral run will get an epilogue, e.g. Toriel taking back over as queen of the Underground after Flowey killed Asgore, and Undyne will blame you for his death. But this entire ending is unsatisfying for those of you who look only to be able to say “I beat this game”. That, I’d wager, is by design. Anyone who would be satisfied by this ending is not interested in this game or the narratives enough to know that this can’t possibly be all it has to offer.

If at this point you’ve been scrupulously careful to avoid any death during your run. If you’ve played a pacifist run, the ending is much different. Flowey reveals that you haven’t made friends with every character in the underground, and gives you an opportunity to do so before trying that last fight again. This unlocks Undyne asking you to deliver what amounts to a love letter to Alphys, which in turn unlocks an extra dungeon called True Lab — an underground facility full of body-horror amalgam creatures that turn out to be the result of Alphys having experimented heavily with Determination in an effort to use it to cure dying monsters. You come to learn that Toriel and Asgore had a son, Asriel, who befriended a previous fallen child. You learn that that child poisoned themselves in an effort to give up their soul to Asriel, because the barrier could be crossed by one human and one monster soul in concert. Their plan was to cross the barrier, obtain several human souls on the other side, and then break the barrier themselves.

But Asriel wanted to lay his friend, the fallen human, to rest in his village. The villagers saw the monster and attacked. Asriel couldn’t fight back — he kill anyone, and allowed himself to be attacked and grievously injured by the humans in the village. He returned to the underground and died on his favorite patch of flowers — scattering the monster’s dust and very likely the first fallen human’s soul onto those flowers. It turns out that Alphys had performed Determination experiments on those flowers, creating Flowey. When the new human enters the underground, they somehow get some fragment of Chara — the first human — as a tag-along when they land on the same pile of flowers.

The change in the timeline that Flowey creates to allow a pacifist player to gain Alphys’ friendship turns out to be a Xanatos Gambit though — he wants you to befriend everyone so he can get them all in one place, steal every single monster’s soul, steal all the human souls, and restore his true form of Asriel Dreemur. He’ll then use that power to keep you — the accidental avatar of his best friend, Chara — with him forever in the underground, to play with him forever, to never have your happy ending and never escape.

Flowey had determination, but no soul. He lived in the underground and befriended everyone, but that was unsatisfying. He reset the timeline, and began killing everyone, resetting the timeline over and over. He started seeing everyone in the underground as simple lines of dialogue — as flat objects that responded the same way to the same stimulus every time. Just like a video game. Only the scripted dialogues would come out; it is possible to see everything in a finite dataset programmed by a programmer who, no matter how determined they are to create an infinitely branching narrative, can only provide so many choices in the game as a whole.

Then the character — I should say Frisk, because it turns out that you aren’t naming that character, but the FIRST fallen human, during the title screen — fell into the underground. This was novel to Flowey. You were a newcomer, a new variable. When you appeared, everything was thrown out the window. Who knows how many times the timeline had been reset before you arrived?

But when you arrived, the underground was full of creatures, so Flowey must have recently reset the game. He tries to kill you immediately and take your soul, because you’re new to the underground, and you’re a human, and he knows how the game works. When he failed to kill you, he tried to reset the game again, and failed that too. Your presence as a creature with more determination than him effectively gave you enough power to “stay determined”, to stay in control of the timeline whatever happens. You are — as the player character — a god in this game. As long as you, the player, are determined to keep playing the game, the timeline of the game is in your control.

Such is the case in all games. But this takes the actual game mechanics and weaves it into the game universe in a blatant fourth-wall breaking manner, in a way that it tells you explicitly that you, the player, have more control over the game universe than any entity within it. No matter how true that is in the context of any other game, it seems more immediate and more relevant in Undertale. And when these facts are revealed to you through the true pacifist endgame, you might decide that it’s time to see what the game world is like if you kill everyone.

This is something you can’t trigger accidentally, really. There are very specific conditions to performing a genocide run. You have to grind in every area until when you get a random encounter, instead of fighting a monster, you get a note saying “but no one came.” You have to intend to murder everyone to get this run. You have to be more than passively neutral, trying to get from point A to point B — you have to hunt and destroy. Imagine for a moment playing Super Mario Bros this way — hunting down every turtle and making sure it ended up in a pit, squashing every goomba, using fireballs on every plant. Imagine thinking that if you’re to be a completionist in a game like that, that you’d have to play it that way, intentionally retrying the level if you happen to miss a single monster. As though the meaningless point tally was anything other than a metric of your sadism. That’s what you have to be in Undertale to get the worst ending. (Though, an argument could be made that the actual worst ending is when you try to play pacifist after having genocided the underground… because you did it just to get the now-soulless Frisk, fully possessed by Chara, out into the world to start his rampage there.)

By the time you get to Undyne, you view little children as “free EXP”. She turns out to be the True Hero, and she turns out to have quite a bit of determination of her own. When you try to kill her, her determination is enough to pull herself together and reveal her true power. And she’s a tougher boss than anything you’ll have faced in the pacifist run of the game. Killing her is no mean feat.

When you get to Mettaton, you have to attack with precision to do maximum damage — if you fail to do so, Mettaton comments that you pulled your punch, that you didn’t have it in you to be excessively cruel. At that point, you revert to a neutral run, and all your hard work of going on a murderous rampage will be thrown out the window.

If you make it through everything else in the game, you’ll come to learn that Sans is not “the weakest enemy”. He can do only 1 damage per attack, according to the game’s descriptive text. But it turns out that’s 1 damage per game clock tick. He’s only got 1 defense, so you should be able to one-hit kill him easily enough, even if you were a low level (which if you face him, you’re decidedly not) — but he can dodge everything you throw at him, because unlike other characters in this world who patiently wait their turn to attack you, he knows the game actually allows him to move at this stage. You’re affected by a status effect called KR, which some people suggest stands for “Karmic Retribution”, which means all the damage he does per clock tick actually affects you as a sort of “poison” — he’s applying his hits to your status bar over time, as part of how he can get away with doing “only” one damage. Later in the fight, he starts throwing attacks at your GUI, so that if your soul heart cursor is on a GUI element with an attack on it, you take damage during your own turn. Sans as a character has a thorough understanding of the rules of the game world and subverts every single one of them to his advantage. He is cunning, he is canny, and he is there to wreck your shit, because you’ve been to this point an absolute monster and you’re probably aiming to kill everyone in the human world as well. And he’ll use every part of the game universe and mechanics and even your expectations as a player that he can to stop you.

And, what’s more, he is keenly aware of the temporal shenanigans that your presence signals. He knows about the timelines shifting and stopping when you reset. He knows that every time you’re killed, the timeline resets so that you can make it the next time around. He doesn’t know everything about the game universe or the other timelines, but he’s seen enough temporal shenanigans to be able to sense that he’s “killed you thrice — what comes after thrice? Let’s find out.”

He’s one of the only characters in the game, along with Flowey, to be able to recognize without being prompted that you’ve been there before. Sure, you might be able to tell Asgore that he’s killed you once before, at which point he’ll sadly acknowledge that this is probably the case. But Sans can tell if you’d experienced his joy buzzer intro immediately after the ruins and then reloaded your game to before that point. He, on a pacifist run, recognizes when you’re just jamming through the dialogue at the end of the pacifist run because you’d seen it before. He might even grant you access to his room, and more insight into his character and a giant game secret, if you keep resetting and listening to this speech over and over and thus prove to him you’re a time traveler. Why is Sans able to do this? I have some theories. If you’re interested, find me at some conference and we can discuss over beers.

Even in a pacifist run, Sans has “shortcuts” he uses to go the wrong way on-screen to get to places — he goes right, off screen and toward Hotland, to go back to Grillbys which was actually many screens to the left. During the Flowey betrayal sequence at the end of the true pacifist run, he disappears offscreen on the bottom in order to wrap around to the top where everyone else is. During the fight in genocide, he can jump you and himself into the middle of various sequences of attacks rapidly, not allowing you time to recover and react appropriately, depending on disorientation from having been “jumped” to win the fight. And, tellingly, he’s caused Flowey “more than his fair share of resets” before you came into the picture. Flowey knows enough to avoid this guy, because he — despite pretensions at being the laziest, weakest monster in the underground — is easily the most powerful single creature there.

How’d he get so powerful? Again, ask me over beers. I’m spoiling everything else in this game, but the game’s Big Secret is too big and too nebulous to be anything other than fan-theory speculation. I’m spoiling you only on those things that are directly woven into the game by Toby Fox, who has proven that along with making you care for characters, he can create a deep and layered story with so many moments of awesome, so many giant and shattering reveals, that you can’t believe that through until the end of your neutral run it all seemed very quiet and small and two-dimensional and reliant on skeleton puns and literal rimshots. That you had no idea all of this incredible world-building existed in the story through until the end of your True Pacifist run almost makes you regret playing it all. It was such a simple and unassuming RPG that you probably thought “oh, this is nice, it’s such a simple and unassuming RPG, like those of my childhood”. Then you realize there’s a mature, multidimensional and epic plot underneath it all. And you find yourself needing to explore all of it — every single aspect of this game universe.

But there’s another facet of this game that means it’s a one-way trip for many of us. While everything that happens after the true pacifist (and significantly more satisfying) true ending to Undertale, happens off-screen, if you load up the game again Flowey appears to remind you that Frisk and all the monsters who’d escaped from the underground and are integrating into human society are still subject to one singular and terrible monster — you, the player. If you choose to reset the game, you’ve ripped everyone out of their timelines and have brought everyone back into the underground. Flowey — uncharacteristically, perhaps, though at this point he’s got the memories of Asriel’s true ending, maybe sans the soul that might mean he cares about others any more — implores you to let Frisk have their happy ending. If you reset at this point, you’re destroying that new life, which you’re assured exists even though you can’t see it happening.

If you reset the game so YOU can experience it all again, what about the other characters in the underground? If you’ve accepted the conceit that saving and loading and resetting the game is timeline manipulation, and if you’ve accepted the conceit that each of these characters is deserving of a happy ending, and you’ve taken pains to achieve that happy ending for everyone, what kind of monster are you if you rip them all out of that happiness in order for YOU to experience their companionship again?

Obviously, this is just a video game. These are not real creatures with real lives to consider.

But it’s a video game that’s proven itself more than capable of serving us gamers a love letter, providing us with real moral choices, and encouraging us to buy into the conceits of the game enough that for most people, playing a genocide run is so thoroughly unpalatable to them that they truly feel they’re hurting real people. It has convinced us to buy into the idea that each of these characters is a fully realized person, and that your life is enriched by their presence. It is a thoroughly pro-social game.

Some people hate Undertale explicitly because it makes them feel bad about doing what comes naturally to them, doing what other video games have trained them to do. It tells them that the good feeling, the positive reinforcement of numbers increasing, as a result of their actions within the context of any other video game, implies that they’re being sociopathic — that they’re being selfish and hurting others for brief and temporary hits of endorphins. It damns them for how they play other games by implication. It demands that they consider the life that they destroyed when they bopped that goomba on the head. Many gamers — especially those who scream about “ethics in games journalism” — would rather video games not make you ask big questions about morality, nor promote pro-social behaviour. They’d rather games never become art, that social critique be off limits (unless said social critique agrees with them). They’d rather you never have to really scrutinize political stances you’ve taken without even realizing they’re political, and they’d rather you never be challenged by experiencing “SJW politics injected artificially into games” as though social justice wasn’t a laudable end to itself, as though pro-social behaviour wasn’t already a major part of humanity’s evolutionary history.

Of course, you’re free to play other video games pacifist too. You can beat Super Mario Bros without hurting any enemy, excepting Bowser. (Who returns over and over, so clearly you’re not doing him permanent damage.) But when it’s easier to get through the game by defeating enemies, and those enemies are dehumanized, and the game doesn’t bother to provide you with any verb OTHER THAN murder, it’s obviously less your fault than it is the game designers when you only ever murder any enemy.

There’s a lot to be said about a video game that can successfully make demands of us about certain conceits and then drive home the ultimate implications of those conceits in such a thorough and all-covering manner. Toby Fox has, with this game, proven to me that he has several major talents: game music composition, game narrative, and philosophy. Maybe the graphics belie all that. Maybe they’re intentionally simple to show that people can come to love video games — can come to vote for them as “Best Game Ever” — despite simplistic graphics, despite simplistic game mechanics, despite a veneer of being very little more than a simple JRPG about a simple human trying to escape an underground full of monsters, like every other game pitting a lone human against a horde of monsters that’s ever been made.

Undertale is a game that’s profoundly affected me in ways I wasn’t expecting, and has galvanized me in applying my morality to other video games. And that’s saying something — I have a very finely tuned and I’d like to think pretty solid sense of morality as it stands, as evidenced by the past ten years of my blogging about social justice. I care deeply and passionately about trying to achieve the best end for the largest number of people and it kills me when any situation is anything less than the most optimal for as many parties as possible. The fact is, Undertale actually made me question how I play other games, and that’s significant. I have a hard time playing evil runs in most games as it stands, but Undertale entirely kept me from doing it altogether.

Of course, it spared me no moral outrage, when during the Genocide run — which I watched someone else do on Youtube — there were choice words about people who were too weak to be able to kill everyone in the game themselves but were willing to sit by and watch someone else do it.

And, he’s right. If you’ve accepted any of the rest of the conceits of the game, that this is a universe where it’s best to be kind and to try to save everyone, that this is a universe where you are the only one with any agency, that this is a multiverse where every decision point results in a universe state where real characters experience real pain, then you’re sitting by and allowing someone else to doom not only all the monsters, but all humans and all of reality. That is pretty monstrous.

Except, this has already happened. Every possible iteration in a multiverse exists simultaneously. You can steer each installation to your preferred endstate and leave it that way, but you can’t do much about other people’s endstates.

But your control over the endstate of your own game extends beyond the conventional. Yes, you can reset the game, but in theory, you could also delete files on the system to do a full reset and purge your locale’s timeline of ANY consequences, including of having performed the genocide run. You have such complete control in a meta way that you could alter circumstances even beyond what Toby Fox intended.

Except, he probably also intended that. The clue to that is how you get access to the game’s biggest secret, which I’ve alluded to before — you can edit the game files and gain access to… no. I won’t say. Creepypasta-level stuff, and you need to see it for yourself.

Undertale is a hell of a lot deeper and meatier than the plot of almost any other game I’ve ever played. It’s a game with simple binary choices that feels like the consequences of each choice are very significantly more important and more portentous. It feels like you’re steering a little pocket universe, and choosing to tell Undyne that anime isn’t real is an action that would legitimately break her heart, and choosing to comfort Napstablook and make a friend is worth your time, and choosing to complement the skeleton on his spaghetti-making skills is actually IMPORTANT — important in a way that sealing that fiftieth fade rift in Dragon Age: Inquisition isn’t, even though any fade rift generates demons that could kill people around it. It’s a game that got the personal scope dialed in so perfectly that you honestly care about each character, no matter how small. You are charmed by Shyren opening up and sharing her songs with the world. You truly believe in Vulkin and your telling it so comes naturally. You help Temmie go to college. You ‘ship the Royal Guards. Every tiny action means something. Even if it doesn’t mean much in terms of the game state, it really means something.

Honestly, Undertale is the first game I’ve played that managed to make me feel that way about any of these bits being shifted around in a game. I recognize all the same patterns as in other games, all the variables that need to be toggled to get the end game state just perfect for everyone, and I’m genuinely motivated to try for each character’s best outcome. I honestly can’t praise the game enough, for that fact alone. It’s the first game with an overt and mostly-binary morality system that actually has meaning, even if the mechanic is “kill or don’t”.

If you’ve read through all of this, and you still haven’t been convinced, I’ve got nothing.

It’s… got dogs? You can date a skeleton? I mean, what more could you want?

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Giving up my invisibility https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/04/06/giving-up-my-invisibility/ https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/04/06/giving-up-my-invisibility/#comments Thu, 07 Apr 2016 00:44:33 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15690 The post Giving up my invisibility appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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CN: anxiety and all the symptoms entailed, including ideation of death. Below the fold.

Photo by DasWortgewand - wiremesh head CG image.
Photo by DasWortgewand – wiremesh head CG image.

In light of “Autism Awareness Month” and all the bullshit that underprivileged neuroatypical folks go through when the focus is on “awareness” instead of acceptance, I’m going to explain why I give a damn about disability despite being seemingly in possession of the full royal flush of privileges, including appearing to be neurotypical. It turns out, I’ve been using my invisibility on one axis as a crutch for a very long time. So, I’m going to proverbially bleed on the page a little, if you’ll indulge me.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a brain that goes a mile a minute, projecting possible outcomes and giving probabilities for these outcomes constantly. Any time I’ve mentioned this to people, they treat me differently, so I have learned to not tell people about the inner workings of my mind. The extent of these possible outcomes, prior to my learning how probable or improbable certain events were, have included full, graphic ideation of the worst possible cases.

When I was a very small child of probably about four years old, I am told that I asked my father what might happen if a volcano opened under us, what would happen if the moon fell to Earth, what would happen if a tornado opened above our house and destroyed it and only it. I am told that I was honestly scared of these things. I am told that I was freaked. Knowing how my brain works now, I have no doubt I imagined the full scenario of the moon actually crashing, and every one of us — me included — being vaporized by the wave of fire that would sweep across the planet. I have no doubt that this image played in my mind on a loop while I tried to go about my business of playing with dinky cars or LEGO or whatever. I hadn’t yet developed coping mechanisms for this ideation. I was told to not worry about these things because they wouldn’t happen. I am sure I assigned “very low probability” to them and tried to stop imagining them, probably unsuccessfully.

Growing up, my parents tried to encourage me to participate in sports, because I was a timid and introverted child. I was in soccer for a while, but it wasn’t really all that organized a thing, and I don’t remember why it stopped. My father wanted to “toughen me up” and got me to join boxing, which I actually enjoyed up until it came time to engage in my first practice match against another kid. I won. The other kid had a bloody lip. That image seared into my mind, I immediately quit, with ideation of being on the receiving end of a pummelling a hundred times worse than I just doled out. Every time I had to put my dukes up thereafter in self defense, I remembered what I did to that other kid once, and I’ve always pulled my punches. Not that I think I’m some sort of superhero in a world of cardboard — I simply hate causing pain because I empathize with it when I see it, far too viscerally. And I assign a high probability to getting injured in any fight as a result, so I am extremely pacifist.

I had a paper route around that time. I was saving up for a Super Nintendo. One day, in the rain, I was almost sideswiped by a taxi that took a corner too fast and hydroplaned a little on a small amount of rain accumulation. This was a mere block from my house. I remembered this every time I saw that intersection; every time I see rain; every time I’m unprotected and a car is moving a little too near to me. Every time I remembered it, I was turned into a smear, instead of a near-miss. I quit my paper route because the ideation simply got too bad. I eventually worked through that fear, but I still shied from moving cars through until at least university, where I had to painfully admit this story to my friends to explain why I kept being so jumpy walking with them anywhere off-campus.

These days, when things get bad, I’m imagining the bus that I’m in jumping the guardrail on the I-94 and plummetting into the Mississippi, or imagining a catastrophic rollover on the highway, or imagining a car plowing through our living room wall and smearing us when I hear screeching tires outside. And not only physical harm: I’m imagining saying one wrong thing and alienating people I love and care about forever, losing my job over trifling errors, losing my wife over inattention or accidental mistreatment. If a loved one is out for an expected period of time and they take longer than I think they will, I get anxious and begin imagining the worst possible scenarios for their life. A sound outside at night makes me think the home’s being invaded, even if the dog isn’t alerting us to a problem as a result.

For the most part, though, these issues are entirely invisible. I don’t outwardly react to these things. I might be a little more acutely aware of my surroundings in public situations, but otherwise, I’m mostly okay. It has gotten such that unless I’m under a lot of stress, these ideations give me nothing worse than a moment’s pause. They might be playing through my head constantly — they don’t always, only when it gets bad — but even when they do, they don’t generally cause me to lose my focus or shut down.

As an adult, I’ve developed more issues that fit with the classic generalized anxiety disorder symptoms. I get headaches. I have frequent gastrointestinal issues. I have recently had long and terrible bouts of insomnia. I try to play 3D Chess on every problem I have, triangulating on the best possible outcomes for the largest number of people, even when I have to sacrifice my own safety and mental health. This last, I think, is because I have found that if I have a superpower through all this, it’s that I actually have surprisingly immense reserves to draw on. I can keep going where others might not, and can take punches that others cannot. I do have to recharge those reserves frequently, but I have ways of coping.

Even when these bouts of anxiety-brain happen, I have learned that I can quiet my brain and stop my fixations by distracting myself. My coping mechanisms as an adult for these issues include consuming media constantly. I feel a need to watch videos, play games, read books, read articles, any time my brain starts playing What If with anything that’s going on in my life. I also take long baths. If it weren’t for those baths, my shoulder pain (which I assume is another symptom of being anxious or stressed) would be significantly greater. Though I am very careful not to overdo it, having a drink actually does help slow my brain down to a reasonable speed as well — I am acutely aware that my father is an alcoholic and I suspect that I have to be careful about one drink turning into three.

My invisibility has been a crutch for a very long time. I hate it when people treat me differently when I admit any of these things, as that change in treatment tends to set my stress levels on edge and I tend to imagine losing friends over this, so, until now, I have been very careful who I tell about these issues. But I realized that there’s nothing people can do short of scuttling our friendship that can actively increase my stress and increase my ideation, so it’s not like malefactors intending to do me harm can actually intentionally push my buttons — and anyone who would scuttle our friendship over how I react to stress wasn’t really my friend to begin with.

So, that’s me. A fretful basketcase who wants to do right by as many people as possible, who feels it viscerally when it doesn’t work out that way, especially when I’m pushed into situations where someone’s going to get hurt regardless.

I’ve never been diagnosed with GAD because I’ve been very careful to not mention any of the anxiety symptoms to people who might stigmatize me, including backward and provincial doctors in Nova Scotia. I have pursued the headaches, the insomnia and the gastrointestinal issues separately, and have come to no real conclusion on them as separate issues, so it’s fairly obvious to me that these are symptoms of the greater problem. If I’m right about what I have, then I’ve probably been diagnosable for my entire life. Not just my entire adult life — my entire life.

That’s why I care about mental illness — because I’m pretty sure that I am mentally ill myself. But I don’t identify as such, because I’m not ENTIRELY sure, and because I am perhaps not the best voice to speak for those who are. I dread going to the doctor and talking to her about this because it might make it real, but I feel like setting this all to digital paper is making it more real in a way.

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A strange confession https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/04/01/a-strange-confession/ https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/04/01/a-strange-confession/#comments Fri, 01 Apr 2016 16:24:02 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15677 The post A strange confession appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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Welcome to Frivolous Friday!

Frivolous Fridays are the Orbit bloggers’ excuse to post about fun things we care a lot about that may not necessarily have serious implications for politics or social justice. Although any day is a good day to write about our passions outside of social issues, we sometimes have a hard time giving ourselves permission to do that. This is our way of encouraging each other to take a break from serious topics and have some fun.

I have a confession to make. A totally PG, totally legal, totally “nothing to be ashamed of” confession, that’ll likely make the majority of you scoff and say “so?” and some other fraction of you decide this isn’t the post for you.

That confession is: I take baths.

Lots of baths. Ridiculously long baths, with the bathroom’s dimmer lights set no more than halfway. No candles — that’s too much. Too trite. Too much extra effort with little to no real return. The dimmer lights are enough.

If the temperature is in the 10 C range, I’ll crack the window, and the combination of crisp air and hot water does something to set my head straight. If it’s summer, the water temperature goes down to something I can stay in without sweating, window wide open. In winter, the temperature goes up.

The fact that I take baths is already known among people close to me, and I am unashamed, given that it makes probably the largest part of my self-care routine. I thoroughly enjoy soaking in hot water as long as I can, leaving some room in the tub so I can add hot water when necessary. What’s not widely known is that I am generally not without a laptop for these sessions. Usually it is playing some video. Catching up on the superhero TV series lineup, for instance. If I’m in a particularly bad state, I might re-watch favorite episodes of Steven Universe. I do not often use these sessions to do concerted writing, mostly because of the position I have to prop myself in order to type on a laptop that’s on a bench next to my tub. If I’m playing a video game that uses a controller, I can extend my game time to tub time fairly easily, with this wireframe basket that rests across the breadth of the tub that I can use as a place to prop my hands above the waterline.

I recognize that this is all extraordinarily decadent of me.

But we have a giant clawfoot tub, which I helped bodily wrestle up the stairs, and I love it so much, and I feel like I’m entitled to use it. I didn’t participate in its being obtained in the first place, but I still feel a sense of perhaps undeserved ownership. It’s a thing that is mostly mine, even if others use it. At six foot one, it takes a largeish tub to be comfortable for my frame, and this tub is perhaps the closest to perfect I’ve had access to. The shoulder space can be a little on the cramped side when I soak to my chin, but not uncomfortably so, as long as I don’t stay in that position for like half an hour. Even still, I suspect finding a better one is at this point like finding a more perfect unicorn.

Noise cancelling earphones keep the drone of the vent from irritating me. I wear them even when I’m not listening to anything. It is my time for peace and tranquility, and my time for me to strictly control what media I consume, where I strictly control how much human contact I have, so as to achieve maximum relaxation, minimum aggravation. If I believed in such things I’d say it was my moment of zen. If I could trust myself to meditate, I’d do that. Since I don’t, I mean… superhero shows it is.

I could talk about the potential environmental impacts of this, and what we’ve done to mitigate it. I could talk about all the potential dangers of long baths, warn of risks with certain medications, warn of accidental scaldings. I could admonish (hypocritically) against ever having a drink while bathing for fear of blood pressure dips or inebriated slippage. I could tell you about why I feel I need these escapes so often, how they help center me and ground me. Or my thoughts on the rigid gender roles that cause society to often take a dim view of men who take baths. I could do all these things and make a post perfectly in keeping with a social-justice-oriented website like ours. But, I’m not going to do that right now. Today is a day for frivolity, and this is about as frivolous a thing as I do on a regular basis.

So, today, all I’m going to do is confess that I bathe, usually nightly, and I can’t tear myself away from my computing devices even for that stretch of time.

And, I suppose, my corollary confession: I wrote this post in the bath.

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But where do we dine? https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/03/30/but-where-do-we-dine/ https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/03/30/but-where-do-we-dine/#comments Thu, 31 Mar 2016 03:54:15 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15670 The post But where do we dine? appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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Dining room table, covered in junk described below.

A candid-ish peek into our lives. Our dining room table. Contents: one semi-complete Legend of Zelda anniversary jigsaw puzzle, various computer parts and tools, a pair of glasses, a 64 pack of crayons, zero space for dining.

This is me blogging, instead of fretting about various outstanding blog issues! Hello!

(I omit the fact that this is an attempt to test my freshly reflashed phone’s WordPress app’s ability to connect to our freshly launched website of course.)

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OpenDyslexic font option for dyslexic The Orbit readers https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/03/30/opendyslexic-font-option-dyslexic-orbit-readers/ https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/03/30/opendyslexic-font-option-dyslexic-orbit-readers/#comments Wed, 30 Mar 2016 05:13:28 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15655 The post OpenDyslexic font option for dyslexic The Orbit readers appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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For those of you who have difficulty reading seriffed fonts, or who would prefer to use the OpenDyslexic font but aren’t on a computer you control, we’ve installed the ability to switch all the fonts on the site to something a little more readable for you.

Caveats:

– You must be logged in to the site, or else we don’t know to deliver the pages to you in that font. You may log in either with local credentials, or via the WordPress.com Single Sign On.
– This obviously only affects fonts that are text, not ones that are part of images like blog banners, etc.

When you’re logged in, click the Key icon and click Edit my profile. Or, go here. ETA: that will only work for some small fraction of you — best to use the key link or the WP Admin bar where it says “Howdy, Yourname”.) Choose an option (probably to use on both the website and the admin) under the OpenDyslexic header, scroll to the bottom, and click “update”.

From then on, any time you’re logged into the site under your account, you’ll have all the pages rendered to you with the OpenDyslexic font, like so:

opendyslexic-option-gretasblog

Additionally, since apparently this is not common knowledge among those who have need for such options, most modern browsers provide you with the ability to change the font size on the page you’re viewing. Either hold the Ctrl (or Command on a Mac) key on your keyboard, and use the mousewheel to zoom in and out, or hold Control and hit the Plus or Minus keys (next to the Backspace/Delete key, or on your number pad). This will work in Internet Explorer, Edge, Chrome/ium, Opera, Firefox and Safari, though the specific key combination may be different in your version, so look around in the View menu. Those of you who feel the font is too large (or, at least in one case, too SMALL, despite our default being significantly larger than many other sites) are encouraged to use that zoom function to set your browser settings to something comfortably readable. If you’re absolutely stumped for how to do so, let me know what browser you’re in, and I’ll try to find an option for you.

We take accessibility concerns very seriously here, and if you have any issues to report, please let us know however you can — either in comments on this post, by the email I’ve provided in my header, or by the tech issues form, for instance, but I’ll take bug reports by carrier pigeon if need be. We can’t accommodate every request, especially conflicting requests, so we aren’t about to make radical changes to our default theme that may alienate some other users without a very compelling reason to do so (so please keep your “can you change all the fonts everywhere to Papyrus 64pt red on dark-red” troll requests to yourselves, thanks!), but any issues with, for instance, screen reader software can be dealt with without impacting other readers negatively.

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CloudFlare plugin breaks WordPress repeatedly https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/03/29/cloudflare-plugin-breaks-wordpress-repeatedly/ https://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/2016/03/29/cloudflare-plugin-breaks-wordpress-repeatedly/#comments Tue, 29 Mar 2016 15:53:36 +0000 http://the-orbit.net/lousycanuck/?p=15643 The post CloudFlare plugin breaks WordPress repeatedly appeared first on Lousy Canuck.

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Cloudflare is a reverse proxy service that protects hundreds of thousands of websites, The Orbit included, from attacks like DDoS, spam, brute force, and various other exploits. Without it, in the adversarial environment that the Internet happens to be for social justice oriented folks, we would be crushed under the weight of people desiring to silence us. So, they’re doing us a great service, and we are indebted to them.

HOWEVER.

Yesterday, after a major vulnerability was discovered in the Cloudflare plugin for WordPress, which could allow sites to be cross-site scripted (a method that might allow you to inject bad code into a site “from the side”), it seems as though they panicked and decided to encode *all* POST and GET data, which caused a major set of problems. People trying to edit posts found every non-alphanumeric character turned into an HTML entity (“:” instead of “:” for instance). Then those entities were being reencoded again (“:”).

Over and over and on and on, the posts were getting more and more corrupted. And that wasn’t the only thing that was busted — admins were being told they didn’t have permissions to access certain pages, because the links to those pages were having parts of themselves converted to HTML entities as well. End users could see the site, but admins were fully hamstrung. Greta was working on Steven Universe episode 8 and got stopped short, emailed me to find out what broke, and to my horror, the auto-updated plugin for Cloudflare was actually hampering my ability to do anything in the WordPress admin. I thought we were in serious trouble, but I tracked it back to the plugin which had just updated to version 1.3.21. I pulled out an older version from Sunday’s backups, 1.3.20, and the problem was resolved. Then I found out WHY they’d updated it, and apparently there are such hacks in the wild right now.

So. Rather than risk getting us hacked, when they quickly released 1.3.22 to fix how they broke half of WordPress, I let it install that version.

Overnight, they’ve since updated to 1.3.23 to fix how they send things back to Cloudflare to pre-detect spam. So they made a giant mess and they’re clawing back at it right now.

There’s a problem that several people are reporting presently, that they can’t post comments while not logged in by submitting their email addresses — because the email address never validates. Clearly this is because the Cloudflare plugin is trying to sanitize that variable as well, incorrectly. Other blogs are also having this issue, as seen here: ERROR: The email address isn’t correct. (4 posts) and here: ERROR: The email address isn’t correct. (3 posts). This problem isn’t just impacting The Orbit, but any WordPress site that uses Cloudflare.

But because of the terrible nature of what they’re fixing here, we kind of have to ride out this storm. I could try to implement my own bugfix for this, e.g. by removing email address validation, but that would have other negative impacts on the rest of the site.

For now, please log in to make comments. Sorry for the inconvenience. Hopefully they’ll fix this issue too, as soon as possible.

This is a disaster and it was entirely avoidable through proper QA of the plugin before it being released. The rapid fire nature of the plugin updates speaks to a sort of panic to address the initial vulnerability, which is laudable, but a lack of foresight as to what kind of impact specific changes might make to the rest of the service. Those of us who rely on the plugin should not be stuck choosing between being hacked, being entirely unprotected against DDoS and spam, or having people be able to comment.

UPDATE: they released an update which properly namespaces their variables and only sanitizes those variables, so things should finally be under control. This is why you don’t release plugin updates into production without testing.

Try again to comment, please, folks.

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