Mock The Movie: DNA transcript

Last night we watched what happens when you stick Jurassic Park, Terminator, Alien, Iron Chef and Turok: Dinosaur Hunter into a blender, hit puree, then dump half of it out and fill the remainder of your glass with some horrible stop-motion animation. It was slightly disappointing that a few action tropes were missed (I was really hoping for the speedboat to ramp off of some conveniently-placed jungle logs for instance), but there were a lot that were hit, so our mockery quota was satisfied I think.

Our noble Sky Captain, CompulsoryAccount7746, provides the subtitle files for those of you watching this in a format VLC can handle. In color, and for those of you displaying these movies on your monochrome telephonoscope machine, white only.

Here’s our calendar of upcoming events. You can also subscribe to the iCal file.

@SpokesGay: @MockTM Oooh, authentic Native woodwinds!
2013-03-28 01:02:11
@CA7746: @MockTM Meant to say at 0:55: An experimental film that never lights the foreground.
2013-03-28 01:03:18
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Hi. I’m Dr. Dirk Whiteson.
2013-03-28 01:03:57
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Hey, they laughed at Galileo.
2013-03-28 01:05:25
@szvan: @MockTM “I’m not here for medical attention. I’m a plot point.”
2013-03-28 01:06:00
@SpokesGay: @MockTM My enZYME? That’s none of your beeswax fella.
2013-03-28 01:06:28
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “to. .to love.”
2013-03-28 01:07:17
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Dude, who painted that volcano? Our village looks SICK!
2013-03-28 01:08:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This doctor is the love child of Ricardo Montalban and Bruce Campbell… yet the OTHER guy’s named Ash
2013-03-28 01:08:53
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Fear me not, cave-dwellers. I come in science.
2013-03-28 01:09:02
@SpokesGay: @lousycanuck @MockTM So yes.
2013-03-28 01:09:26
@SpokesGay: @MockTM”Do not talk at me. . I’m reading the script phonetically.”
2013-03-28 01:10:25
@szvan: @MockTM What?! The guy with the facial scars is a bad guy? Who’dathunk?
2013-03-28 01:13:08
@SpokesGay: @MockTM It’s crowning-grab the head!
2013-03-28 01:13:30
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Not quite. . . domesticated.
2013-03-28 01:13:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Bet these guys have a great genetics lab back at the village.
2013-03-28 01:14:35
@szvan: @MockTM Aw, look at the scared little primitives.
2013-03-28 01:15:55
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Tell me he didn’t just say, “supposaBly”
2013-03-28 01:15:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow. How is Doctor Jerkface ordering these local tribes around so forcefully? I can only imagine they’d be like “lolwut” IRL.
2013-03-28 01:16:43
@CA7746: @MockTM Market the panacea? Nah, resurrect a deadly cryptid instead.
2013-03-28 01:16:50
@SpokesGay: @MockTM There’s a lotta ass for so early in the movie.
2013-03-28 01:16:54
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Dude, I totally know it’s ass crack behind that towel.
2013-03-28 01:17:29
@szvan: @MockTM Who knew the guy with flowers who likes kids would be the good guy?
2013-03-28 01:17:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wooooow! I’ve never gotten that trick to work on the first try!” say the children to the simple magic trick.
2013-03-28 01:18:15
@szvan: @MockTM Who knew the highly professional blonde who’s just a little too self-contained would be the love interest in need of rescue?
2013-03-28 01:18:56
@szvan: @MockTM Sure, I’m predicting. Does anyone think I’m wrong?
2013-03-28 01:19:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I like that this good-looking Hawaiian guy is playing a native to… where is this? Brazil?
2013-03-28 01:20:16
@laencleardale: @MockTm So when do the Iron Chefs come out? Is alien the secret item? Or DNA?
2013-03-28 01:21:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Elsewhere: lightning crashes. An old mother cries. And some nerds say “fuck” a lot.
2013-03-28 01:22:12
@CA7746: @MockTM Hold onto your butts.
2013-03-28 01:22:39
@SpokesGay: @lousycanuck @MockTM Inorite? I was like, is that Dean Cain’s cousin?
2013-03-28 01:22:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s moving in.” How do you KNOW that from the blinking yellow and red alert sign!?
2013-03-28 01:22:46
@SpokesGay: @MockTM OMG, gents. Enough F-bombs, fellas!
2013-03-28 01:23:24
@szvan: @MockTM How long until she screams at a giant reptile or bug?
2013-03-28 01:23:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Simulated jungle time? That’s when you have an intern slap you with a fern repeatedly in a semi-dark room, right?
2013-03-28 01:24:09
2013-03-28 01:24:43
2013-03-28 01:25:01
@SpokesGay: @MockTM You like my means? Yeah. Yeah, you do.
2013-03-28 01:25:45
@szvan: @MockTM Two minutes.
2013-03-28 01:26:02
@szvan: @MockTM Can we talk child labor here?
2013-03-28 01:27:09
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “You’re out of biz-a-ness.”
2013-03-28 01:27:24
@SpokesGay: @MockTM God guys-this river is hawwwt.
2013-03-28 01:28:03
@laencleardale: @MockTM Damn I leeches for what would make her scream. So much for that bet.
2013-03-28 01:28:07
@SpokesGay: @MockTM You told me to pack lunch, wtf?
2013-03-28 01:28:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM YEAH, your “simulated jungle time” didn’t include putting on clothing to avoid getting ticks on your nethers.
2013-03-28 01:29:40
@laencleardale: @MockTM Wow I’ve never seen anyone draw a moustache on their finger before…how original.
2013-03-28 01:30:04
@SpokesGay: @MockTM “Didn’t your mother ever teach you to assume I’d carry a purse in the Amazon?”
2013-03-28 01:30:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Cover up against ticks and leeches.” “Okay, I’ll tie my shirt at the bottom so you can still see my midriff. Also, cleavage.”
2013-03-28 01:30:15
@SpokesGay: @MockTM Huh-huh, girls, amirite Native Kid?
2013-03-28 01:30:41
@CA7746: @MockTM Better not be a dead guy coming to life…
2013-03-28 01:30:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Time to tell me everything you know.” “Okay… where to start. Grammar? history? Cooking?”
2013-03-28 01:34:10
@laencleardale: @MockTM Why is she taking pictures? Is this a vacation? If the kid knows where to go, why haven’t they left? Isn’t she in a hurry?
2013-03-28 01:35:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A three man raiding party? Yeah, that’s not easy to fight off with a whole village on your side.
2013-03-28 01:36:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Only the Hawaiian white-man proxy is more than capable of beating them himself! With a knife-throwing assist from white woman.
2013-03-28 01:37:06
@laencleardale: @MockTM Wait now you leave?!!! In the middle of the night?! What was wrong with several hours of daylight ago?!
2013-03-28 01:38:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I want to program a little text box that randomly says “ACCESS DENIED” or “ACCESS ACCEPTED” and beeps appropriately.
2013-03-28 01:40:11
@CA7746: @MockTM Denseness 43%. 75% Optic.
2013-03-28 01:40:30
@laencleardale: @MockTM Well no…you just said it went into the jungle…that would mean it is either there, or came back here…but not still here…
2013-03-28 01:42:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey look, there was a Kinder Surprise in that jar!
2013-03-28 01:42:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Today I learned, when you roar, your IR-vision flares slightly.
2013-03-28 01:43:54
@laencleardale: @lousycanuck @MockTM Of course, you are breathing out hot air…gah do we have to explain everything?
2013-03-28 01:45:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What is that?” “The light from my flashlight. Jeez. Keep up.”
2013-03-28 01:46:23
@szvan: @MockTM “I can’t see anything.” “I’m sure they’ll give us a budget for scene dressing soon.”
2013-03-28 01:47:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM For a super-advanced predator alien dinosaur thing, it sure is incapable of dealing with collapsing floors.
2013-03-28 01:48:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The roof bending is so stop-motion plasticine.
2013-03-28 01:49:43
@szvan: @MockTM “Sure, you want to stop me now! Why didn’t you stop me then? This is all *your* fault!”
2013-03-28 01:50:53
@szvan: @MockTM Who cast Thomas Dolby in this movie?
2013-03-28 01:51:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I love how she said “a government team” and everyone just UNDERSTANDS that she’s CIA.
2013-03-28 01:52:35
@szvan: @MockTM “Dr. Ash, I’m here! And now I’m running somewhere else, just in case you heard me.”
2013-03-28 01:54:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Tell the kid to keep crawling that way.” “Okay, keep crawling that way.” “Uh, I understood the other guy.”
2013-03-28 01:55:44
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s a UNIX system. I know this.
2013-03-28 01:55:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The alien is photosensitive. You see, they didn’t have suns near his planet.
2013-03-28 01:57:45
@szvan: @MockTM Didn’t she get any time in a water-treading simulator?
2013-03-28 02:00:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan Maybe not, but you’d think with all the video games about killing aliens, she’d be more useful.
2013-03-28 02:00:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’ll be right back. Just going to get a quick peek at your ass.”
2013-03-28 02:01:52
@szvan: @MockTM Always best to wait until you’re nearly dead to explore your environment.
2013-03-28 02:02:10
@szvan: @MockTM Okay, kid, take the ticking thing and throw it f–no…just no.
2013-03-28 02:04:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’ll be right back.” “What’s wrong?” “I misplaced my remote… I mean, nothing.”
2013-03-28 02:05:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM IRON CHEF WITH THE IRON SLEEPER! It’s all over folks!
2013-03-28 02:05:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t forget to duck. Blowback from the explosion won’t get you if you’re behind those highly flammable barrels.”
2013-03-28 02:09:08
@CA7746: @MockTM “I wanted brought up, not company!”
2013-03-28 02:09:13
@szvan: @MockTM Who knew that down meant down?
2013-03-28 02:09:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yup, that was all their budget, and they probably destroyed their actual sets. Because why do miniatures?
2013-03-28 02:10:32
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing the kid warned him. He would never have expected hostiles *here*.
2013-03-28 02:10:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Kid could’a just said “Ash”, but no, gotta be formal.
2013-03-28 02:10:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And the black guy with the noble sacrifice. HOW UNIQUE.
2013-03-28 02:11:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Doctor obviously survived, because the aliens beamed him up shortly before he got sploded.
2013-03-28 02:12:58
@szvan: @MockTM Habitat destruction!
2013-03-28 02:12:58
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM SPLOSIONS! This movie’s raison d’etre.
2013-03-28 02:13:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Motorboat goes over a log ramp in three… two…
2013-03-28 02:14:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t you know that aliens can’t look down?
2013-03-28 02:15:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Not photosensitive enough when faced with, you know, BROAD DAYLIGHT…
2013-03-28 02:16:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They shot down the toy helicopter! And it did a stop-motion roll at them and exploded!!
2013-03-28 02:17:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s great that I’m seeing this in widescreen as the director originally intended.
2013-03-28 02:18:23
@CA7746: @MockTM Meh! MEH!
2013-03-28 02:20:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The alien just did a barrel roll!
2013-03-28 02:20:03
@szvan: @MockTM Actually, that might have been the worst effect ever.
2013-03-28 02:20:09
@szvan: @MockTM Um, dude? Did you forget you’re a doctor?
2013-03-28 02:20:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, how many rounds do you have left in that rocket launcher thing?
2013-03-28 02:20:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I will feel cheated if there’s no scene where the kid is gently lowered into a river of mako to rejoin the lifestream.
2013-03-28 02:22:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, close enough.
2013-03-28 02:22:48
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Hehe–the kid straightened his legs out.
2013-03-28 02:23:06
@CA7746: @MockTM Spoiler: Turns out it was all a dream the kid had, after watching Jurassic Park and Predator.
2013-03-28 02:23:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ash becomes Turok: Dinosaur Hunter.
2013-03-28 02:24:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And then builds a series of Ewok traps.
2013-03-28 02:25:24
@CA7746: @MockTM Nice of the alien to take a time-out during the montage.
2013-03-28 02:25:30
@szvan: @MockTM It’s nice that he’s able to determine where the creature will show up.
2013-03-28 02:26:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now your rocket launcher is all wet and your poison is rinsed off your axe.
2013-03-28 02:27:40
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The monster CGI looks like something from Resident Evil on the PS1.
2013-03-28 02:27:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Easily distracted by small fish.
2013-03-28 02:28:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ash! The axe! No wait, the rocket launcher! Something that actually does DAMAGE!”
2013-03-28 02:29:05
@szvan: @MockTM No time with a rocket-launcher simulator either, I guess.
2013-03-28 02:29:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Frankly, that’s some serious firepower from a rocket launcher you can fire accurately one-handed.
2013-03-28 02:30:11
@CA7746: @MockTM And… now he’s got parasites.
2013-03-28 02:30:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Maybe, but what I’m saying is, I really wanna get out of this dive. And I’m tired of your mug.”
2013-03-28 02:32:13
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Promotional consideration by Testors Models.
2013-03-28 02:32:36
@CA7746: @MockTM Huh, ‘honeywagon’ is a mobile toilet unit.
2013-03-28 02:35:43
@szvan: @MockTM I see the entire movie as an allegory about child labor laws.
2013-03-28 02:38:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Netflix is now recommending Equilibrium as a next movie. I haven’t seen it. I know it bombed at the box office though. Thoughts?
2013-03-28 02:41:22

Mock The Movie: DNA transcript
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One thought on “Mock The Movie: DNA transcript

  1. 1

    Re: Equilibrium
    It’s a half-baked 1984/Brave New World knock-off. The story has enough holes that you could drain pasta with it (for people with no emotions, they sure show a lot of anger, irritation, ambition, determination, enthusiasm… I could make a long list), but it’s got some kick-ass action scenes and one or two moments that are actually interesting and emotionally engaging (the scene where Bale tears the cover off the window is pretty effective).

    If you dial back your expectations to the proper level, it’s great fun. If you think you’re going to get intellectual sci-fi, you’ll be very disappointed. My main objection to the movie is that it takes itself too seriously and can’t deliver on it.

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