Guest Posts for Equality: The No side’s warped understanding of democracy is a bad joke

May 15, 2015 Aoife O'Riordanfreeze peaches, Guest Posts for Equality, ISPCC, Law Society of Ireland, marref, marriage equality, marriage equality referendum, surrogacy, yesequality1 Comment

In the run-up to Ireland’s Marriage Equality referendum on May 22nd, I’ve invited a series of guest posters– people from Ireland or who live here, of many different backgrounds and orientations- to share their thoughts on the referendum, the campaign, and what it means to them. Contributions to Guest Posts for Equality are welcome- drop me a message.

This post comes from Brian O’Flynn, from my own home town of Cork, Ireland.

In the course of this referendum debate there have been many complaints, in particular from the No side, about an undemocratic atmosphere of censorship. When No posters are defaced by unknown persons, they behave as if the Yes campaign had ordered an official strike. When a mural depicting two men embracing was permitted on George Street in Dublin, they behaved as though the government was conspiring against them to give the Yes campaign more publicity.

In short, they are trying to pin the actions of some rogue vandals on the entire Yes campaign, as well as attempting to politicise the everyday culture and celebrations of the LGBT community. We, as gay people, feel that we can no longer hold hands in the street without having someone from the No side present to “give balance” to the situation. In the process of indignantly claiming their democratic rights, they’ve virtually censored our lives and personal histories.

Just watch the very condescending infomercial released by Mothers and Fathers Matter. It claims that one cannot come out against SSM without suffering verbal abuse and accusations of homophobia; a profoundly unfair generalisation. The official No campaign are experts at playing the victim. Their strategy is to assume the role of the underdog, in the hopes that the Yes campaigners will be seen as extreme liberals who believe that free speech and democracy are less important than our feelings.

The end result is that we are supposed to believe that the No side are the defenders of democracy, balance and free speech in Ireland. But let’s examine just how “democratic” the No side are. Continue reading “Guest Posts for Equality: The No side’s warped understanding of democracy is a bad joke” →

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Overheard in Dublin: free speech matters. So does challenging it.

May 9, 2015 Aoife O'Riordanmakegrathelaw, marref, marriage equality, marriage equality referendum, yesequality1 Comment

Waiting in the queue for the ATM this afternoon, I overheard a couple of people behind me talking about the referendum.

This ATM is located near a bunch of some of the most odious No posters I’ve yet seen. They feature a picture of a man giving a thumbs-up, and a message that you shouldn’t be ashamed to exercise your right to vote No.

I find this particularly abhorrent. It plays into the idea that LGBTQ people and our allies are nothing more than bullies. Equating standing up for ourselves- no matter how politely or mildly- with shouting down the opposition. From a campaign who do not hesitate to threaten legal action whenever anyone expresses disagreement with their views.

Back to the ATM, though, and those people behind me. You see, they have a friend- let’s call him Steve to make things easier to follow here. Steve is voting No in the referendum. He told his friends about his plans. His friends are disagreeing with him. Vocally. They want him to vote Yes, and they’re telling him so. They’re also being clear that his decision impacts how they look at him. What they think of him.

The two people behind me- let’s call them Nuala and Sarah- don’t think this is okay. Not Steve voting No. That’s his choice. They don’t think it’s okay that Steve’s friends are arguing with him. You see, according to the. The important thing is that we’re free to vote however we like, and people need to be able to express their opinions.

My first thought- after calculating to myself that I would definitely miss my bus if I turned around to talk some sense into them- was to wonder if either of them have ever felt scared to express who they are. It either of them spent months feeling constant tension, wondering if their country was going to decide to keep them down. To choose to uphold a system that sees them as fundamentally unequal. As less than.

Maybe if they had more empathy for their LGBTQ friends, they might understand why Steve is getting a hard time. If they had more empathy for their LGBTQ friends, they might find the decency to educate and persuade Steve themselves.

My second thought? Is that I am tired of hearing people uphold the freedom of bigoted expression at the expense of the speech of others. If Steve has the right to say that he is voting no- of course he does!- then his friends have the right to tell him how they feel about that. In a democracy, in fact, I’d argue that they have a responsibility to do so. The vote is an essential tool for change. Speech- persuasion, expression, and communication- is even more powerful in determining the direction of that change. Of course we care about how other people vote. We have to. That’s why we campaign, canvass, and why we bother voting in the first place. Voting is based on the concept- however well or badly realised in practice- that every voice matters. If our voices matter, then so does how we use them. Steve probably cares about the society we live in. So do his friends. They care enough to do what they can to influence someone else’s voice to help others.

I didn’t get to talk to Sarah and Nuala. I had a bus to catch and a ticket to buy with the money from that ATM. But I’m going to bet that they know some LGBTQ people, because most of us do. And I’m going to bet that they see themselves as tolerant people. I don’t think that Sarah and Nuala see themselves as having a homophobic bone in their bodies.

But this kind of wishy-washy ‘tolerance’ that sees no distinction between granting equality and denying rights to others- that lumps it all in under a freedom of speech that always seems to be more free if you’re upholding the status quo- is every bit as dangerous as outright homophobia. However much it pretends to be something else, it’s nothing more than the soil that lets bigotry grow unchallenged. At a time when we literally find ourselves with no choice but to crowd out homophobia with sheer numbers. I can’t accept that.

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If you can vote and do not, you are not my friend.

May 4, 2015 Aoife O'Riordanfreeze peaches, homophobia, makegrathelaw, marref, marriage equality, marriage equality referendum, yesequality2 Comments

There’s a thing I have to make clear.

If you can vote in this referendum, and you don’t? If something came up and you were just too busy and you didn’t get around to it? You are not my friend. We are not friends. You don’t have any LGBTQ friends. Because our lives, our future, our rights weren’t worth a half hour of your time.

I’d rather an honest homophobe over someone who pretends to care but can’t be bothered, any day.

I’m also very aware that this is the kind of talk that the No side will dismiss as bullying tactics. See, the thing that they like to pretend is that this is a simple matter of disagreement. That we should all be friends and polite and respect differences, and that if we don’t we’re intolerant. But there is no requirement for anyone to be tolerant of discrimination. Of institutional, legally-mandated bullying.

They would like to have us all believe that all opinions are equal, and that respecting someone’s right to have an opinion is the same as respecting that opinion.

All opinions are not equal.

If all opinions were equal, or if holding an opinion was neutral and harmless, there would be no point in having them. Freedom of speech would be meaningless. It wouldn’t matter if you could hold an opinion or not, or if you could express it or not. They would have no effect on the world.

But all opinions are not equal.

Continue reading “If you can vote and do not, you are not my friend.” →

Who is cheapening marriage?

April 28, 2015 Aoife O'Riordanmakegrathelaw, marref, marriage equality, marriage equality referendum, yesequality2 Comments

Something that we have all suspected have become clear in the past couple of days: anti-marriage campaigners are obsessed with sex. Obsessed.

They are obsessed with PIV sex. They are obsessed with their imaginings of gay male sex. They’re even obsessed with the mystery of what two women could possibly do that could constitute sex.

Yesterday, a Yes Equality campaigner was asked on the radio- on the radio!- to go into details about the mechanics of sex between men. The day before, I heard a story about a public meeting being asked about how two lesbians could manage to consummate a marriage. You know, given that they (probably) haven’t a single penis between them. I’m going to take a guess and assume, by the way, that if a person can’t get their head around how two people with vulvas could have sex with each other, the existence of women with fully-functioning penises might actually blow their minds.

We could laugh at this. I mean, it’s pretty funny. Particularly considering that you’d assume that, with a functioning internet connection, the answers to questions about the mechanics of consummation aren’t exactly difficult to find. And one could also be forgiven for making some insinuations about the lives of people who can’t figure out how to satisfy a woman without a penis in the room. And as for the obsession with particular kinds of sex between men? That one is just too easy.

Okay, so it’s funny.

What has civil marriage law got to say about sex, though? Feck-all, as far as I’m concerned.

No campaigners will tell you that they are defending the family against attack and against redefinition. They say that marriage is something precious, a cornerstone of our society.

And then they reduce it to.. a penis in a vagina. That’s it. That’s all of it. Marriage, for these people, is reduced to one sex act.

Ask marriage equality advocates what it means to them. You’ll get answers based on love, commitment and dignity. About protecting their loved ones. About being included in and valued by their communities.

Is allowing people access to marriage really redefining the institution? Or is this reduction of our relationships to nothing more than the kind of sex that we’re having- that other people assume we’re having- the redefinition that’s really happening here?

Tell me again- who is attacking marriage?

Even bloggers have to pay the bills! Monthly subscriptions- no matter how small- help give me the security to devote time to this place and keep a roof over my head:

They Were Right: This referendum is not (just) about marriage.

April 25, 2015 Aoife O'RiordanIreland, makegrathelaw, marref, marriage equality, marriage equality ireland, Queer, same-sex marriage, yesequality2 Comments

I don’t know if I’ll ever get married.

That’s not, by the way, anything to do with my being queer. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married, because I don’t know if I want to get married, and because I haven’t found myself in the kind of relationship that marriage would make sense with. I don’t know if twenty years from now I’ll be married, single, living with my three favourite partners, or traveling the world in a refurbished double-decker bus with a giant ginger cat.

I can tell you, though, that the last of those is the one I spend the most time daydreaming about.

Of course, maybe me and my giant ginger cat won’t be on our own in our double-decker bus (with a balcony taking up half of the top level where I keep my plants. Of course). Maybe we will.

I don’t really care about getting married, myself. If I find someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, then we’ll do that regardless of whether the state calls it a marriage, and it’ll mean every bit as much to the two of us. I do care deeply about the legal rights that come with marriage, and about being able to protect my loved ones and have the families that we create legally recognised. Marriage might do that. It might not. I don’t know what shape my family will be, in ten or twenty years. I’m ambivalent about marriage as an institution. I don’t like the idea that the state can privilege one kind of family and relationship over all others, giving some families (specifically, those based on lifelong monogamous dyadic relationships, if we’re getting technical about things) rights that others don’t have. It is abhorrent to me that the state has the power to name this a family and that legal strangers, and that we have no way to change this. If we have to have legal definitions of family, I want one that is inclusive of all kinds of families. Of all of the bonds of kinship that we create. If we have to legally encode these things, I want a structure that is flexible. One that doesn’t prescribe one kind of ideal relationship, but instead accurately describes the relationships and families that we do have.

I’m one of those queers your mum probably didn’t know enough to warn you about. The ones who have no interest in emulating heteronormativity and think that, frankly, society as a whole would do well to learn from what we’ve been up to over the decades.

Like I said? I’m ambivalent about marriage.

Yet if this May’s referendum is defeated? I’m not sure how I’ll stand it.

Continue reading “They Were Right: This referendum is not (just) about marriage.” →