Note: I make generous and unabashed use of the word “crazy” in this essay, in part because it describes so well what my brain feels like on the really bad days. Also, I have extensive and complicated thoughts about how we decide which words should and shouldn’t be used to talk about mental health which I won’t go into here.
Today, I unlocked a major adulting accomplishment. After at least three years of anxiously procrastinating and saying that I’m going to do it, really really really this time, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. In 2018 and 2019, I had a therapist, but I haven’t been with anyone who could really monitor my antidepressants and change them for at least 10 years. I don’t just want to deal with my ever-present depression; I’ve become more and more certain that my wandering, unfocused brain is at least in part because of ADHD. I want to make that official and see what can be done about it.
Sponsored posts on Facebook often make me sigh in frustration or roll my eyes, but all I could say when this one popped up was — what the ever-loving actual fuck?
Unlike working in Silicon Valley, women in STEM at NSA enjoy the kind of work-life balance that only comes with the Intelligence Community. That’s because you literally can’t take your work home with you (it’s classified). Learn more…
Facebook, November 2, 2019
Maybe someone at the NSA has a sense of humor or something, but is there actually anyone who thinks that the solution to misogynist techbro harassment is — to become a spy? To go into the intelligence business, <sarcasm>well-known for its embrace of feminism and queer rights? </sarcasm>
I’m undecided about whether this counts as Ultra-Peak White Feminism or not, because it seems unlikely that it came from an actual feminist. On the other hand, we have groups like New Wave Feminists grabbing the handle as a way to make anti-choice politics “hip” again, so you never know. In the age of Trump, every day makes me feel like I’m on a really bad acid trip.
I get my joy and hope where I can, these days. It’s hard with Trump parading around the White House as everyone pretends that he’s President. Hannah Arendt put her finger on something important when she coined the phrase “The Banality of evil,” in Eichmann in Jerusalem. Trump shows us something else, though: The pettiness of evil. He’s far too flamboyant to be banal; most of the time, he seems to be trying to act out a classic supervillain who cackles and boasts to the hero about his evil plans. But everything Trump says or does is driven by a pettiness of mind, spirit, and imagination that you just don’t get from Doctor Doom or a Bond villain.
And now we’ve passed the halfway point; this one officially takes us to the three-quarters marker. This includes a few facts on becoming an atheist, being a Godless Pervert, how good I look in fishnet stockings, and my favorite tabletop RPGs.
Here’s part two of my list with 25 more things that you might or might not want to know about me. This part includes my experiences with depression, love of comic books, a little more on epilepsy, and how I use music to stay alive.
I have really been unsure about how to introduce my new blog at The Orbit. The honor of it is pretty damn overwhelming. A good chunk of the writers here are people that I’ve been reading and admiring for a long time, and the ones that are new to me seem to be every bit as incredible. There is, to put it bluntly, a fuckload of brain power and integrity here.
Even at the best of times, I’m never really good at introducing myself in writing. Whenever an editor asks me to furnish them with an author bio, I kind of freeze up; after writing 2,000 to 4,000 of intensely researched and proofread prose, those three lines about me are always the hardest to write.