Agent Orange busily goes about turning America into a cheap tin dictatorship, complete with totalitarian military parades for a holiday that’s supposed to be about liberty from tyranny. America isn’t great right now (unless you think kids in cages and treating homeless people like vermin is great, which apparently evangelical Christians and white supremacists do).

It’s hard to celebrate. It’s hard to do anything but stare in horror at the ever-worsening news.

But I’ve got an article about the geology of fireworks here, and some pretty fireworks photos, so let us have something a little bright to keep the despair company.

For all those “America is a Christian nation!” screamers you’re likely to encounter over this holiday, I’ve got the perfect counterpoint. America, you see, can easily be shown to actually have been founded on Islamic values. Look:

The fundamentalist Christians have entered the Declaration of Independence into evidence. That means it’s fair game to further examine this document for clues. In fact, let’s take another look at that second sentence, specifically:

…with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

“Unalienable Rights”. That’s an interesting concept. Where did it come from? The phrase is more commonly referred to as “inalienable rights”, about which Wikipedia says:

The idea that certain rights are inalienable was found in early Islamic law and jurisprudence, which denied a ruler “the right to take away from his subjects certain rights which inhere in his or her person as a human being.” [emphasis added]

That’s right. This most basic of concepts, declared as “self-evident” in our founding document, is based on Islamic law!

Heads are absolutely going to explode. You will have enormous fun.

It turns out Portland cops are liars and antifa are not putting cement in milkshakes. The lie may actually backfire on the people perpetuating it for once. This definitely calls for a celebration.

And keep some fireworks handy for Friday, because it looks like this federal judge is about to unload some righteous fury in court due to Agent Orange’s impulsive decision to spit in the court’s face over the census:

U.S. District Judge George Hazel is now giving the administration until Friday to decide whether it will enter into a written agreement that confirms it will no longer pursue including a citizenship question on census forms, plaintiffs’ attorneys Denise Hulett of the Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund and Shankar Duraiswamy of Covington & Burling tell NPR. If the administration does not enter the agreement, the judge is prepared to start reconsidering recently resurrected discrimination and conspiracy allegations against the administration’s decision to add the question.

Remember: this country was founded by imperfect assholes, but they gave us a strong framework to build on, and we can and will fight back against this outrageous encroachment on democracy and human decency. We still have courts, a Constitution, a ballot box, and a lot of irate leftist citizens who’ve studied resistance movements worldwide. Gather your strength and resist in any and every way you can.