I’m not sure if I’ll feel this way tomorrow. It’s how I felt yesterday and this morning, it’s not how I felt this afternoon. But it’s important, even if this is veering way toward the personal.
You have been warned.
Right now? I feel like I’m Done here. Really really done. I wonder why I’m here, and how much of it is misplaced inertia and simply not knowing quite how to get home.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I came here. I did an awful lot of thinking over the past week. Changed a lot of plans. I’m also grateful for the soothing distraction of needing to push myself physically and overcome a lot of physical discomfort. And for reminding myself that I can rely on myself.
But ever since I got here I’ve been unhappy. I have a lot of stuff to deal with- all, by the way, the boringly ordinary kind of problems that never did anyone any permanent damage. But, damnit, that’s precisely the kind of stuff that needs familiar faces and nice cups of tea. It’s precisely the kind of thing that makes me not want to talk to new people and be light and entertaining. I want to retreat into my bubble and lick my wounds for a while. But here, that means isolating myself entirely.
I’m not sure I want to do that.
I’m not sure if I’ll feel the same way in the morning, or in the afternoon. But right now? I just want to go home.
Wherever that is.
Overly personal self-centredness
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Whether you leave now or later, you’ve done an amazing job on the Camino and you should be totally proud of yourself. And when you do get home, there is always a cup of tea waiting for you in our place 🙂
Emma & Mary
*MASSIVE HUG*
I feel a bit weird commenting on this post, I feel I’m intruding since it is rather personal and I’m just a random blog reader, but you’ve been so nice to me here that I just wanted you to know that your writing has made a difference to me, and I hope you’re feeling happier today. I can’t however offer you tea. Well I guess I could, but you’d have to travel a long way to get it, and it would probably be a tad cold.
There’s always plenty of friendly faces waiting for you whenever you get back to wherever you want to get back to 🙂
It always sounds stupid when I actually say/write it, but I’m in the “everything happens for a reason” camp.* Every time I look back on anything in my life, I think, “If I hadn’t decided to stay for another drink / been so miserable / sat on that car in the train / quit right then and there / let that stranger talk to me… this and this and this wonderful thing just wouldn’t have happened.” And it amazes me, and it gives me faith that everything’s headed in the right direction.
I’m sorry that you’ve been so unhappy, but something in me is just shouting and shouting that, no matter what you do at this point, something absolutely amazing and possibly life-changing is just about to happen to you. (It’s the same weird gut feeling I got when I was walking through this random town called Killarney in a cloud of depression, gnawing on a box of awful chicken nuggets and pining for home, on the afternoon before I met a certain wonderful young man you might know.) So do whatever your gut tells you to do–everything’s going to turn out brilliantly because of it!
Best, best wishes, and good, good luck. Big Hug.
* (At least for my own life, which is ridiculously blessed, and for those around me–I try to sidestep this logic when talking about horrors in the rest of the world.)
Aww, thank you for this! Made me smile on so many levels.
Also, someday I must tell you about a day like that I had when wandering about in a small town in your country. 🙂
wow! I am insanely impressed by your blog!
😀
Obvs you should tell everyone about it so I can start getting gajillions of hits and then make money from ads and TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
Also hello! Want to pick your impressively smart brains for advice soon, be warned. 😉