Guest Post: Suffering Stream of Consciousness

The following is a stream of consciousness poem by a friend of mine who has been dealing with overwhelming medical negligence for several years, most recently blinded by a doctor ignoring medical protocol for a medication they put her on. These are her thoughts in the midst of trying to process her most recent medical traumas and yet another severe pain flare that has had no help from doctors. 

TW: Discussions of Death, Abuse, Suffering, Suicidal Ideation, Medical Neglect, Troll Brain thoughts. These are unedited troll brain thoughts as well and so not controlled for slurs and internalized prejudices.

written by friend Sophie; after spending 9 hours in an endless sob session and panic attack before being given a clonazepam and sitting down to write this as the clonazepam started to calm her down.

I am dying.
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Guest Post: Suffering Stream of Consciousness
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Disability Misery

I’m multiply disabled, by whichever model you use. I am on disability assistance and I live in Canada where I even have access to healthcare. Given all this, you might think that the fact that I still have disability related depression, that I am proof that disability really is misery. That the medical model is right.

I want to make this really easy to understand.

I’m not miserable because I’m in pain.

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Disability Misery

Lessons from a Root Canal

For the last four months, I have been struggling with extreme dental pain. Four months ago, I went to the dentist for the first time in over 3 years. I had three cavities that needed filling, and I was getting the first two filled. After the procedure, I started feeling pain in my teeth and jaws. I didn’t know what it was, so I went back to the dentist. She said that it was probably just healing pain but to come back if it continued, and that I would probably need a root canal. Unfortunately, I left the country to visit Alyssa’s parents. For the next two weeks I continued on a cocktail of Aleve and Tylenol. The pain wasn’t getting any better. It was getting worse. The day we got back home, I called the dentist and made an appointment. It would be in a week. Then two days before the appointment, on New Year’s Day, the pain got so intense that I couldn’t do it anymore. I went to an emergency dentist, who did an x-ray and gave me an unexpected answer: my wisdom teeth, which were already eventually to be removed, were infected and needed to be removed right away. There was nothing he could do so he gave me x-rays and some painkillers and sent me on my way.

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Lessons from a Root Canal