This is the Time

If you know someone who was involved in resistance of some kind: Solidarność, Black Panthers, resistance movements in WW2, people who hid Jews during WW2, and so forth, NOW is the time to find out how they organized. How they got the systems in place to get people out. How they created the networks of information gathering and distribution.

While I hope that I am wrong, I fear that things are about to become even more difficult for oppressed minorities in the next few months. The global political climate is distressingly similar to the times leading up to both World Wars. There has been a trend towards fascism for some time now, with major political parties veering dangerously right. Essential human rights are treated as negotiable burdens by different governments. Too many people live in desperation borne not out of a lack of resources but because of restricted access with the majority of the world’s wealth concentrated in the hands of a privileged few, and their followers.

We have a new aristocracy, only now we call them CEOs, we call them politicians, and we call them “self-made men”. The sense of entitlement and of receiving what they’re due despite no actual merit remains the same. The greed remains the same, and so does the use of manipulation to convince those they have enslaved that their suffering is caused by those worse off then them. Continue reading “This is the Time”

This is the Time

The Irony of Hope

hope (noun) – a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

synonyms: aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design; dream, daydream, pipe dream

hope (verb) – want something to happen or be the case.
synonyms: expect, anticipate, look for, be hopeful of, pin one’s hopes on, want; wish for, long for, dream of

Hopes, wishes, dreams, all things that for some of us will only be a let down. Some people will never get to achieve their dreams or fulfill their life goals. We wish or hope for something and it will never happen. It can even be a setup for failure to even have hope in the first place. It is a cold comfort and one I refuse to bother with anymore.

Hope just means I get to be disappointed, again. Like every time before. All my dreams and hopes just laid shattered in pieces around me. Thanks to my trauma, my mental illnesses/disabilities, my physical disabilities. Thanks to every person that touched my life and added fuel to the fire. To everyone who hurt me and fucked up my life so bad that I can’t have hope anymore. I don’t get to dream.

The reason hoping, dreaming, and wishing is all bullshit is because it is expectations. If you have any expectations at all or plans, or goals, you can be let down. Getting let down can lead to having some sad feels for a while, to a crushing weight that feels like it will never leave us. These shattered hopes just pile up on top of me until I can’t even move. I can barely breathe because I will inhale all these shards of shattered hope like fine pieces of glass.

Expectations vs. Reality.

Expectations of oneself is bad enough, then you pile on expectations of “family”, friends, society, strangers. Expectations are a good way to fuck people up. Expectations are pressure. Now self expectations we have to fix that ourselves. I have to battle my own brain meat and stop holding myself to expectations that I would never hold other people too. Expectations from other people? Ya’ll can knock that shit off anytime. You just “want what is best” for us? Or any other manner of justifying unrealistic expectations. Or even not just unrealistic, but maybe they have their own dreams, hopes and aspirations. When you pressure someone to be something they can’t or don’t want to be, it doesn’t usually end well for the pressured. The person with the expectations can also be let down, but really we don’t care about you.

Sure some people can achieve all the things, or even just one major awesome thing. Some people can “bootstrap up enough” and do the things. Good on them. I don’t get to however. I also never got the choice. I got a life sentence of dealing with the after effects of the misery inflicted upon me by other people. Thanks for that be tee dubs.

Hope is the worst thing you can give someone.
Hope is terrible.

Fuck Hope.

The Irony of Hope

Pain is my Reality

I think what people fail to comprehend is that I exist in a state of constant pain. I literally cannot remember what it feels like to not be in pain, assuming such a moment ever existed for me. I even experience pain in my dreams.

When I say that I am doing well, or that I am feeling good, what I mean is: my symptoms are currently in a consistent enough state to not register as especially noticeable.

I think an inability to understand that is part of the massive divide between medicine and patients. If a doctor doesn’t understand that this is what I mean when I say I am feeling ok, then how can I explain anything else? When I’m dancing and singing, and laughing, and loving, and teasing, I am doing all that while also being in pain.

The realities of someone who lives with a chronic illness, where pain can just as easily be replaced with nausea or some other symptom, is impossible to conceptualize for someone who hasn’t experienced it themselves. It’s antithetical to the way humans comprehend our reality. We can’t grasp of infinity so trying to comprehend constant unending pain, it’s impossible.

When people try they immediately get overwhelmed with the futility of it all and feel despair. So the assumption is that our lives must therefore always be despair and if they’re not, then we’re lying, but if they are, why don’t we just end it all?

When I say that I have to embrace the reality that I might never get better and see a cure, I’m not being negative. Accepting that reality lets me survive because otherwise, it would be overwhelming despair. It’s not a personal failing, it’s not that I haven’t tried hard enough to get better. This is just my reality.

I understand that for you, that sounds like giving up, but accepting that limitation has been the biggest step in being able to move past. Accepting that this is my reality makes it possible for me to make the decision to self-care. It makes it possible for me to accept that my illness, my existence, is not a personal failing. It is just the way things are.

Sometimes hope kills.

I don’t have the time or energy to spend hoping that I will get better someday. Energy spent hoping of a someday is energy that could be used to improve my circumstances as they are rather than how I want them to be.

It means accepting that “toughing it out” is a waste of energy that could be better spent medicated and doing something I enjoy.

Pain is my Reality