Father’s Day

CN: suicide attempt, absent fathers

I never know what to call you. Father seems too formal. I usually just call you “my dad” when I talk about you, I use your name when I talk about you to mami or my brother. I never became comfortable with calling you “sperm donor”. You were there at least for the first two years of my life. Papi and Daddy have too many positive connotations attached.

Continue reading “Father’s Day”

Father’s Day
{advertisement}

Dad Jokes

So there’s this new thing that fathers are doing called the Cheerio Challenge and it’s about who can prove who’s the biggest tool  funniest dad.

Ever wonder why there is such a thing as “dad jokes” but not the mom equivalent? Because dads are allowed to be silly. Dads are allowed to do this type of shit and not have people question their parenting ability. It’s why we have goddamn parades for weekend dads but condemn single moms. Seriously, look at any story about a single dad and you’ll get bombarded with comments on how “selfless” and “wonderful” the dad is. Look at stories about single moms and you’ll find comments questioning her ability to parent. They’ll wonder why she’s single. Single dads (or dads in general really) get praised. Single moms get scorned.

It’s why people went gaga over Chris Hemsworth baking a cake for his daughter. Seriously? He baked a cake. Clearly, he’s wasting his talents on acting. Get that man in culinary school!

It’s why we say dads are babysitting their children while mom is away.

Google “dad jokes” and you get this:

dad

Google “mom jokes” and you get this:

mom

So, do we see a difference?
Dad gets to be silly and fun; we wink at each other over how ridiculous dad is but we never say, “hey fattie, stop the jokes and get in the kitchen and feed your kids. Look pretty while you do it, toots”

The mom results are all a bunch of racist, ableist, sexist jokes at the expense of mom.

Getting back to the Cheerio Challenge: Yes, it’s cute and it’s silly, but as a single mom I really wonder what the response would be if this had been started by moms.

I also have to wonder why the fuck you’d risk waking your baby! Parents know that when baby sleeps, we can try to relax. Emphasis on try. This just seems like an incredibly inconsiderate thing to do. Because we also know how labor is usually divided in households with both parents, we can then extrapolate that mom ends up doing most of the emotional and physical labor while dad gets to waste cereal on a challenge to prove how big his dick is  how funny he is.

Fathers, doesn’t the fact that you get praised for doing the bare minimum bother you? Think about it: society is basically saying your mediocrity is just fine. You don’t need to improve; to strive to be a better parent. Doesn’t that offend you? Society doesn’t expect the best from you. It’s much like how rape culture dictates that all men can’t control themselves. We know that isn’t true. So why not do better; be better? Disrupt the narrative that fathers merely babysit their kids. Make people let go of the notion that we shouldn’t expect fathers to be fully involved in their children’s lives.

 

Dad Jokes

Father’s Day

T/W C/N: links to post about reproductive coercion, brief mentions of r*pe, absent fathers

Note: Posts linked below will open in new tabs

Mother’s Day is always tough considering the circumstances of my pregnancy, but Father’s Day is just as bad. I can’t celebrate with my father. I don’t know where he is. I certainly do not want to celebrate my daughter’s father. Therein lies the problem. My daughter does want to celebrate him, and she has every right to. She’s already mentioned “papa’s day” to me a few times. She had a Father’s Day party at her school and the invitations asked if dad or a “special friend” is coming. I told TJ I would go. She said I couldn’t because I’m not a man. She had a another reminder invitation in her bag recently. This one was inviting “dads, uncles, grandpas or any special men in your life”. I find it curious that for the Mother’s Day party the invitations made no mention of aunts, grandmas or “special women”. The invitations simply said “mom and guests”. That’s another problem with these holidays. They tend to be heteronormative and cissexist.

She hasn’t seen her father in years. I don’t know where he is and I prefer it that way. TJ and I are much safer this way. She asks about him and I know she wants to see him. She’s too young to tell her what he did to me. I’ve simply told her that mami and daddy are no longer together and that we will not be getting back together.

Mother’s Day is hard on a lot of people because of the culturally pervasive idea that you must love your mom no matter how horrible she may have been. In my experience, there isn’t much of that when it comes to fathers . Fathers aren’t expected to do much anyway. There are countless memes and jokes about the incompetent dad. On the other hand, a father is often praised just for showing up; doing the bare minimum. How many times haven’t we seen articles or memes praising dads for “babysitting” their children?

Getting back to my daughter, as she gets older, she’ll have more questions about her father. My answers will become more detailed as time passes. As for the party, thanks to a friend’s advice I explained to TJ that mom and dad are just job titles and single parents do both jobs. I teach and protect her.

For her, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are fun because there’s always gifts and fun treats. To me, Mother’s Day reminds me of my rapes. Father’s day reminds me of the same but with the added pain of my own absent father. They’re not easy days.

Father’s Day