Recently a series of conversations on Facebook took place surrounding a very funny summary of sex between a cishet man and a woman. The jist of the joke had to do with the experiences of women who sleep with cis men and an exaggerated version of the very similar script followed by many of these men. Basically along the lines of of ‟kisses for 20 seconds, fingers you for 30 seconds, immediately wants PiV intercourse. Pumps away with no clitoral stimulation. Cums. Asks did you cum, then rolls over and falls asleep.”
The number of women and non-binary people who commented on the shares of this post was both entertaining and a sad commentary on the average straight sexual experience. Many of the comments included additional frequent script additions including the stereotypical downward head push when some guys want oral sex, the rareness with which men actually offer or go ahead with eating out, and the tendency for sex to really be all about his orgasm – while at the same time many men are convinced that they’re Dynamos in bed.
As I’ve written previously, I’ve been having some sexy adventures of late, in an attempt to live by the old adage: “The best way to get over someone, is to get under a lot of someones.” While it is only recently that I’ve engaged in more diverse adventures, even before my possibly tawdry experiments however, I had an uncommonly good knowledge of matters related to sex and sexuality.
From a fairly young age, I was intrigued by sex and my research took various forms including but not limited to pornography, literotica, various articles, sex and relationship advice columns, as well as actual academic studies in sexology. What’s more, for all that I may be awkward, I have been told that I have fairly good insight into people’s motivations, wants, fears, etc. Even before I lost my virginity, it was not uncommon for friends and acquaintances to seek my advice on issues related to sex and relationships, and my advice very frequently proved helpful. A few years ago, I even looked into starting an advice column, but had no idea how to seek out questions.
Continuing the fun, I asked my friends about advice they could give to cis het men when it comes to being a better lover. More hilarity ensued, but there was also an undercurrent of anger. I mean… seriously, wouldn’t you be if guys bragging about what great lovers they are, but continuously turned out to be nothing to write home about?
Based on the comments and my own experiences, I’ve put together a list of advice designed to help cis het men, and frankly anyone who sleeps with either women or people with vaginas. Note that because this article is targeted at Cis Het Men when interacting with women with vaginas, the language used may be somewhat binary in nature. This is not meant to exclude non-binary people as both existing, their identity being truth, but is only meant to deal with a very specific set of circumstances and not be a general essay on sex and different orientations. Those posts may yet be coming. Remember: Not all women have vaginas, not all men have penises, and there are more than two genders.
Without Further Ado: Ten Tips On How to Rock Her World
- You Are Not That Lucky
Imagine yourself in a sexual situation with a highly attractive partner. Your turned on and horny and just aching. You can’t wait to get things going. You partner starts kissing down your chest down to your genitals. Your cock is practically jumping for joy in eagerness of the touch of a hand, or lips that is coming its way. All of a sudden however, instead of focusing on your cock, your partner just starts rubbing your balls. They don’t interact with your penis at all, except for perhaps the occasional stroke, or the accidental caress of a forearm. ALL of their attention is devoted to your balls. Unless you are a very small population of men, chances are, that’s not going to make you cum. It might feel amazing, but after a while, it is bound to be really frustrating. Now imagine that this same partner is telling all about how you are going to cum while they just keep, playing with your balls.
This is basically the reality for many people with vulvas and vaginas.
The biggest mistake that men make in reference to women with vaginas is the assumption that Penis in Vagina sex feels as good for us as it does for them. That the majority of women will orgasm just from having something inserted into their vagina: a toy, a finger, a dick.
Here is the cold hard truth. Over 70% of women cannot… I repeat… CANNOT… orgasm from penis in vagina intercourse alone. If you’ve been with more than one woman in your lifetime and they all came just from you pumping in and out of them, all or some were faking it.
Why do women fake orgasms? There is a lot of pressure on women to be good in bed just as there is on men. If you think there isn’t, just look at magazines like Cosmo, whose content deals primarily with how to please men, and men don’t like a girl who doesn’t come.
The reaction from men when we don’t fake it, also plays a role in why women feel the need to do so. Men have been known to assume that the reason their partner didn’t come is because there is actually something wrong with them. That there is some medical problem preventing them from being able to reach orgasm. Some men can become angry, even violent, in their insistence that if they didn’t come it is not as a result of something the man failed to do. Other times, the man becomes emotionally overwrought and is still unwilling to listen to advice on what to do.
Sometimes it can just be because the guy your with is insisting that he’s not going to stop until you cum, and frankly, you know it’s not going to happen cause they haven’t really been paying attention to what makes you tick, and you’re starting to chafe. When you’re at the point that you just want it to be over, but the guy is so determined that no no he WILL make you cum with this thing that frankly doesn’t feel all that good, but he won’t really listen to you either when you try to tell him how to make it happen.
Not to mention sometimes it happens because they don’t want you to feel bad. Because they like to make you happy and they know how disappointed you would be to think that you didn’t manage.
Now don’t get me wrong, PiV sex CAN feel amazing. It feels pleasurable. But we need a little something more, to actually be able to orgasm. The vagina actually only really has nerve endings in like the first half inch, and the number of nerve endings does not compare to the number of nerve endings in the clitoris.
The clitoris sole purpose is pleasure. That’s why it is there.
But what about the G-Spot?
The last of the literature I’ve read still has unanswered questions with regards to the G-spot. There was some hypothesis that it was the “female” prostate which wrapped around the urethra, and which was being accessed through the vaginal wall. The hypothesis carrying the most weight however, is the one that suggests that it is actually the back of the clitoris, which extends deeper into the body than we are aware, and which again, is being stimulated through the vaginal wall.
This means that even in the cases of a g-spot orgasm you are still dealing with clitoral stimulation. Here’s the thing, however: it is not consistently accessible. It can depend on position during sex, penis shape, arousal, and a whole host of different factors. Meaning that the elusive g-spot is elusive for a reason. There is a much simpler way to stimulate the clitoris and produce the reaction you are hoping for.
Ok, but I know for sure they came. There is no way they were faking.
Do you want to know the only way to know for sure if a cis woman has orgasmed? If her labia turn red or purple, or basically darken significantly prior. It’s not about quivering. It’s not about sounds she made, or looks, or involuntary spasms. Yes, those can be indications, but actually a lot of that can be faked as well. Physiologically the only indicator is actually a darkening of the labia prior to orgasm.
But let’s pretend for a second you are right. You hit the lottery and somehow every woman you’ve been with actually could and did orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. So what? Paying attention to the clit can still be an extremely useful tool in your sex god arsenal. Most cis women benefit from clitoral stimulation when done properly. With that in mind:
- Careful! That things Sensitive!
The clitoris contains 8000 nerve endings. The glans of the penis has half of that
Think about how sensitive the penis is, and compare that to the type of rough handling you see in porn. The few times that men actually do bother to pay attention to the clit during PiV intercourse, a strange thing was noticed. A lot of guys will rub at that thing like it’s a particularly stubborn stain on a table. Worse still is when the start smacking it like it’s a button they’re mashing. Oftentimes the attention they do end up showing is less pleasant than if they had just ignored it all together.
What’s pleasurable can change from person to person, and may not even be consistent from time to time. Someone who enjoys rough and hard handling one time, may find it too intense or painful the next time around. So how do you know how to do it right?
It’s all about paying attention to your partner. Start off slowly, a gentle stroking motion, almost like tracing your finger across a touch pad. You can try stroking in circles and back and forth, and watch the reaction. Is she pressing her pelvis down harder on your finger? Is her breathing speeding up? Her pupils dilating? Is her chest flushing? Or did she wince? Look bored? Is she pushing your hand down lower?
When I was taking my Sexology class, my professor told us that ultimately, the best predictor of how good someone was as a lover depended on their ability to read their partner’s body. For too many men, it seems to be how hard and how long they can engage in an activity that ultimately has nothing to do with the person they are trying to fuck.
Pro-tip: If you spent less time trying to impress other men, and more actually focusing on your partner, you might find yourself actually having an easier time finding people to have sex with.
Remember too that tolerance for pressure, speed, etc. will likely change throughout. The more aroused a person is, the more they might be able to tolerate a harder or more intense type of stimulation. However, someone who just orgasmed may be too sensitive to handle any touch at all and may find stimulation painful. Just because you start out with a light touch, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.
Also, pay attention to how she touches you. Many people will give clues about how they like to be touched with how they start out with touching you.
This can also apply to other body parts as well. I’ve walked away from sex before with my breast looking like the worlds saddest dalmation – covered in bruise spots. I like a little rough handling, but sometimes it feels like men forget that my tits are actually attached to me. Nipples additionally can be very sensitive as well.
Flicking, biting, sucking too hard, all of that can be painful and shouldn’t be your default treatment. Like with the clit, work your way up to gauge what sort of touch feels best for her. Work the whole tit. Sometimes just having the whole breast massaged feels amazing. Sometimes it’s the nipple or the area around it that needs attention.
Don’t ever assume that just because one woman enjoyed something that the next one will too. Everyone is individual in their tastes, and while certain things may be fairly common or consistent like playing with the clit equals good, even within those consistencies there exists diversity when it comes to what feels best.
- PORN is a really bad teacher
This one isn’t entirely men’s fault. The state of sex education in North America is pretty terrible leading to curious young people having to go to the internet to get information. For many men, their education comes from pornography. It depicts two people having hot sex, so what’s the problem right?
It’s quite simple: Porn isn’t about sex that feels good, but about looking good. It’s a scripted TV show with one specific goal in mind: providing enough visual stimulation to create a masturbatory aid. It is often targeted at men and so focuses on what they find most stimulating.
Entertainingly this fact came up recently, tangentially to sex, during a discussion of the difficulty of shaving your own genitalia. His argument was that porn stars seemed to manage, to which I responded that Porn Stars also had access to aestheticians who would be able to help them reach the hard to reach spots.
Watch a porn clip, and notice how they don’t sweat, how nothing ever goes wrong. There aren’t hairs out of place, or funny noises that happen, or accidental injuries, awkward moments, times when the penis falls out, no struggling or fumbling, none of that is realistic. It is an idealized and exaggerated impression of sex.
There is a trope on tv shows, of the sexy couple who decide to record themselves having sex and then end up horrified or disappointed by what they see. It makes sense once you consider that their concern during filming is with pleasing one another and NOT with how it looks on camera. When you focus on pleasure rather than aesthetics, the resulting video is unlikely to be what you expect. Don’t get me wrong, porn can be a lot of fun to watch, but as a source of sexual education, it’s not only unhelpful but can be actively harmful since it reinforces many societal myths.
Some key points when watching porn: women need more than just vaginal stimulation, not all women are instantaneously ready to have anal sex and certainly not without lubrication, multiple positions is not a sign of good sex.
- It’s not a nose, You’re not Digging for Treasure
Men. I have bad news for you. Your fingering technique, and often your oral technique, leaves a LOT to be desired. Think of it rationally. Your finger is slimmer, bonier, sharper, and less warm than your penis, and the vagina isn’t the main source of pleasure for cis women.
When ya’ll just stick the finger in, maybe waggle it around a little, it might be pleasant but it really isn’t earth shattering. Once again, you’re ignoring the main source of pleasure – the clit. Sometimes men will try to curl their finger inward, in an attempt to stimulate the g-spot. While the intention is good, it’s rarely also followed with actually paying attention as to whether they’ve found it. At some point, you sort of just end up feeling like they think you’re a nose and you’re tempted to tell them to just stop digging for treasure. Sometimes you get the guys who think they’re being hot when they essentially punch you in the vulva over and over again.
There are a lot of different ways to make fingering about more than a pale imitation of PiV. For example, run your hands up her thighs slowly, caress the very sensitive skin there. Then cup her vulva with your palm and apply undulating pressure, or rubbing back and forth, providing stimulation to different parts of the vulva. You can trace your fingers across her labia, circle her vaginal opening, working your way up till you are tracing her clit. Gently at first, but gradually increasing pressure depending on her cues. You can insert a finger into her, while also playing with her clit providing her with multiple sensations.
This is just one possible script. There are others, and every woman, just like every man, just like every person, has their own preferences in terms of speed, pressure, direct versus indirect stimulation, and so on. This is where paying attention to your partner’s involuntary responses can be helpful in reading your partner’s body.
If you can’t tell what feels best, don’t be afraid to ask. Communication is one of the key aspects of good sex, both verbal and non-verbal.
- It’s Not a Race
You don’t need to rush
Sometimes it feels like you guys are just trying to get our orgasm, or even our excitement, out of the way so you can focus on what you really want to do. You go down on us (those of you who bother to) for a few seconds, stick a finger in and waggle it around for a few quick seconds before immediately sticking your cocks in our mouths. Other times, it feels like you are racing a clock to see how fast you can get to PiV, to the exclusion of everything else.
Clue. Foreplay matters. Even if I manage to get wet in seconds, that’s not really an invitation to skip the preliminaries. It’s one thing perhaps, if you are trying for a quickie perhaps, but if you are hooking up. If you have the time. Take. It. Slow.
In fact, don’t think of it as foreplay but think of it as a part of sex, because that’s what it is. It’s not something you have to get through to get to the real stuff. It’s a part of what makes great sex great. Explore your partner’s body with your lips, your fingers, your tongue, and discover all their sweet spots, and encourage your partner to explore yours as well.
The same goes for PiV itself. I love being fucked hard, but some of the best sex I’ve had involved men who knew how to tease. Who went slow till they had me begging for it, giving me an occasional taste of what I was craving before going back to torturing me with unbearable slowness. Or who kept up a moderate pace while devoting additional attention to other parts of my body.
- it’s ok to come second
This isn’t a reference to premature ejaculation. Rather, it is a distressing pattern that has been remarked on by more than one woman, and even in communities at large, regarding the infrequency with which men offer to perform oral sex. While many men expect it as a matter of course and would become upset if it was refused, the favour is rarely returned.
I could write an entire post about the stereotypes surrounding the cleanliness of vaginas and the harm that it has caused, but to summarize – vaginas are not dirty and they don’t smell, at the very least, not more than a penis. If you expect someone to put their mouth on your penis when you wouldn’t go anywhere near their vagina, that’s kind of an asshole move. Sometimes someone’s particular taste or smell might not appeal to you, but everyone has their own individual flavour, just like with penises.
One trick many of us have seen time and time and again is the implication of oral after you are done getting oral, only to claim to be “so turned on” that you have to have us right away. Uh huh. It’s not really all that slick.
If it really is true that you get so turned on by oral sex that you have to engage in PiV right away, then start by going down on her before she goes down on you. Or try 69ing. The point is, it’s not all about you. Trust me, if you get her raring, chances are she will make it worth your while.
- Just because you finished, doesn’t mean you have to stop running.
Ok, this one is about ejaculation, premature or otherwise. Sex in our society is so tailored for male pleasure, that the male orgasm is frequently treated as the end of the event. But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be.
If you’ve orgasmed and can’t engage in PiV anymore, but she’s still raring to go, get inventive. Use a dildo on her, or your fingers. Grab a vibrator and go to town. It isn’t how long you last that determines your quality as a lover, but your ability to engage with your partner and value their pleasure as much as your own.
- Sex Toys are your friends
I don’t care how amazing your dick is, it will never vibrate. You can’t compete with a vibrator because frankly, your cock and a vibrator are made for different things. It would be like comparing a screwdriver and a wrench, they might both twist but they’re different tools for different purposes. For some reason, I’ve met men who get intimidated by sex toys as though they were a replacement for them. If sex toys were a replacement for men, the dating pool wouldn’t qualify as a foot bath.
Sex toys are one thing only – an aide. Something to make orgasming and sexual arousal easier to attain, something that can heighten pleasure and add to it.
Let me let you in on a little secret. Whenever women actually discuss the best sex they’ve had, the best lovers, it’s not uncommon for them to also be the men who weren’t afraid to bring in a vibrator into the bedroom. These are the men that women eagerly invite back, the ones who get the good reputation. That and great oral skills has on occasion been enough for some to even overlook other flaws, on some occasion even recommended by other women who may not even like them anymore saying “if you ever get the chance…”
- Your Gay Panic is Boring.
Every once in a while, one of us will suggest the use of a toy, only to be met with the exclamation “I’m not gay.” It might also come up in reference to concern over a touch that feels good, as an explanation for why they don’t want to kiss post blow job, or in a myriad of other sexual scenarios.
It’s ok not to be interested in something and to set boundaries. But if the only thing stopping you, especially where it concerns something that might interest you, is a fear of it somehow making you gay – I’ve got no time for that shit. Why? Because it’s boring and bigoted too.
Unless you are imagining that what is happening to you is being done by a man when you are yourself a man, if you are engaging in sex with a woman then whatever you are doing is straight. Cis gay men don’t have different anatomy than cis straight men, so it’s not surprising that certain types of stimulation would be pleasurable across the board.
If you think that enjoying using a butt plug or having a vibrator applied to your taint, somehow makes you gay, then you might as well also say that receiving a blow job makes you gay. It doesn’t work that way.
This fear motivated by toxic masculinity actually acts as a barrier to your own pleasure, as well as ours. Just think of the sensations you would be able to explore if you weren’t so very panicked. Also here’s a clue: being afraid that something might make you gay or that people will think you are gay is bigotry. If there is nothing wrong with being gay, than why does it matter if people might think you are? Also pro-tip: If a woman you are about to have sex with is suggesting something, chances are she already knows you are not gay.
- Take it Less Seriously
I don’t know where this idea came from, but at some point people became convinced that sex had to be serious. I don’t mean in the sense that it is a big deal, because yes in many ways it can be a big deal, but I mean specifically in the sense of mood. Everything has to be perfect. Nothing can look or smell out of place, everything has to be meticulously even detrimentally groomed, and whatever you do, don’t you ever, ever, laugh.
Sex is supposed to be fun. Regardless of whether you think it is meant for procreation only, no big deal, something to enjoy between friends, sex should be enjoyable. More than that, perfect sex is nearly impossible without a team of directors, and the ability to have several takes. Things happen. The trick is not to let that phase you. Things don’t have to be perfect for them to be good, and there can even be charm in mistakes if you let there be.
This tendency to take things around sex so seriously has gotten in the way of good sex on more than one occasion because the reality is that things go wrong. Maybe you accidentally made her bleed a little during fingering because your nails were a little sharp. Maybe there was a funny noise that happened because of displaced air, or even just a funny groan that sounded weirdly like a duck. Things happen, but sometimes someone who is taking things too seriously becomes unable to continue because of them.
I’ve been in situations where the person fuckin me has a look on their face that makes me wonder if they’re angry at me. They’re trying to look serious, meanwhile I’m trying not to bust a gut because I keep wanting to ask them why they’re mad.
Having a sense of humour about things has a tendency to make things better in many different areas. Sex can be silly sometimes, and not being afraid to be a little silly during sex can make things a lot better. Laughter can help you and her relax mentally and be more in the moment than if you are overly concerned with whether everything is perfect.
It doesn’t always have to look like two people completely caught up in sexual desire, intensely focused. It can be lighthearted and playful too, and the fact that it is can be sexy as hell. There’s something about someone who is relaxed and confident enough to be willing to be a little silly that can be incredibly attractive and alluring.
Imagine for example that she accidentally tickles you while you are making out, which makes you yelp. With a laugh, you tickle her a little back and you both start to playfully wrestle as each of you tries to get the other one. Finally, you end up with one of you on top, pinning the other. You are breathing heavily, both of your bodies already sensitive for having been teasing one another, you are pressed up against each other.
Imagine jokingly whispering um nom nom as you nibble on her neck, before changing tactics and using your lips, tongue, and teeth to tease that sensitive skin. That jump from funny to sensual can throw you off balance in the best way, making the sex feel unpredictable in an exciting but enjoyable way.
Laughter releases a lot of the same endorphins that come with good sex. It can reduce muscle pain and help relieve muscle tension letting both of you be more flexible. It can help make arousal easier since stress can be a major clit-boner killer.
On a hilarious note, I once has a sexual adventure where for whatever reason, something made me laugh during. The tension in my muscles caused by the expulsion of laughter, actually caused me to tighten my vaginal muscles in such a way that I ended up pressing up against my partner’s fingers in a very pleasurable way. Literally laughing is what caused me to orgasm.
Don’t be cracking jokes all the way through sex, and don’t be cruel, but keep a sense of humour about you and don’t be afraid to share it. Remember, you’re having fun.
Not being afraid of getting silly, or of laughter, also makes it easier to experiment with kinks and fetishes. Often the biggest concern when it comes to trying role playing, or kink scenarios, is the fear of laughing during. If you and your partner though approach sex with a sense of humour, then you don’t have to be afraid of looking or sounding silly, or of laughing because of nervousness, because a laugh won’t signal the end of the fun.
- Anal Takes Prep Work
We get it. You’re all excited to try anal. We’ve figured out what you are getting at when you ask us “what we’re into” or if “we’re kinky”. But here’s the thing. Anal doesn’t just happen. Have you ever had something inserted up there for medical or other reasons? It can HURT! And that’s something small. Now imagine what it must feel like to have something the size of a penis shoved up there?
Don’t despair. It is possible, but it takes work. It takes time. Start with something small, like a finger, and slowly work your way up. In many cases, this will mean weeks of work. Weeks of helping the muscle relax and build the flexibility required to make it able to accommodate the thickness you have in mind.
Even with someone who has anal sex frequently, it can be important to warm things up with fingering and toys. It is also important that the person in question is relaxed and not tensing those muscles closed.
You will ALWAYS need lube for anal sex, and preferably, silicone lube. The anus, unlike many vaginas, is not self-lubricating and is not optimized for the direction in question. It is meant to expel things and not accept them, so it doesn’t naturally facilitate insertion. This doesn’t mean that anal sex is bad or shouldn’t be done, it just means it should be done safely. With preparation.
Doing anal sex without preparation is like doing the splits without any training or stretching. Imagine someone just walked over and pushed you down into the splits. You would likely get hurt, and even though some people out there might be able to do it, that doesn’t mean you should walk around making people do the splits just because they MIGHT be the ones who can. If you tried that with the splits, you would be arrested.
It’s also important to note that anal is not just for women. In fact, this is one area where cis men have an advantage over cis women. Because cis men have a prostate which is stimulated through the colon, many men can be stimulated to orgasm through engaging in receiving anal penetration play. Cis women however mostly don’t have prostates, or at least ones which are stimulated through the anus. Some women find the experience pleasurable, but it is fewer still who find it orgasmic.
Having a woman penetrate your butt with something, whether a strap-on dildo, a vibrator, a finger, etc. does not make you gay in the same was that two women who use penetration toys don’t magically become straight. Toys are not genders, people are. If you are having sex with a woman, and you are yourself a man, you are having straight sex, no matter what consensual activity you are doing.
- I’m More than Just a Pair of Great Tits and a Fantastic Vulva.
I get it. I have great boobs and many are intrigued by my cups which runneth over, and I’ve driven my fair share of partners wild with the pleasures of my vulva. But sometimes when it comes to sex, it can feel like those are the only parts of me that exist, except for possibly my mouth and my ass.
There was an episode of friend’s way back when where Chandler is nervous about how his sexual performance compares to Joey’s while dating one of his exes. Monica steps up and helps Chandler out by creating a diagram of different erogenous zones. Much to his surprise, she sketches out seven different spots, and recommends mixing it up and hitting all of them. At one point Rachael even excitedly yells out “Toes!”
It can be tempting to focus on the fun bits to the exclusion of all else when hooking up. After all, sex is about the goodies right? Wrong.
Your whole body is a cluster of nerve endings, each with different specific tasks and responding to different stimuli. Only focusing on genitals and secondary sex characteristics, is to ignore a whole host of pleasurable sensations that can take your lovemaking skills from good to outstanding.
One of the sexiest things a person can do when it comes to me, for example, is devote attention to my neck and the spot where my neck meets my shoulder. That bit of skin is extremely sensitive and I love the feeling of lips, tongue, and teeth, teasing me there. Just imagining, for example, someone hugging me from behind, while they kiss and nibble that spot, is enough to make me shiver. Whenever I encounter it however, it only ever lasts seconds before my partner inevitably moves on to the parts they consider the most important, but imagine if someone decided to include that type of attention to the rest of their sexual ministrations?
Spend some time discovering your partner’s body, to make them feel sensual and sexy. Give them a long lingering massage to help them relax and connect with their body. Suck on toes and fingers and take advantage of the nerve endings to preview different sensations. Caress their skin simply to revel in the feel of it. Rub your face against the sensitive skin of their thigh.
And don’t forget about the biggest sex organ of all: the brain.