As a way of coping with the break-up, I’ve given myself the opportunity to have a little sexy fun. For most of my sexual history, despite always being very interested in sex, I had never engaged in casual sex. There were different reasons, including assuming that people wouldn’t be interested, but the bigger reason had to do with the fact that my attraction is often connected to a certain connection with the person. Worse, some obvious sign of bigotry or hate is an instant clit-boner killer. There have been multiple cases where I am completely overwhelmed by how attractive someone is, only to have them ruin it by saying something so enraging, that it’s just over.
Still, at this time, I’ve been finding myself in the perfect frame of mind for casual hookups. I’m not in a place where I consider myself in a place to start a new relationship. I’m not looking for someone to date since I’m too busy rediscovering what it means to be someone who isn’t part of a couple. People always talk about not becoming consumed by a relationship, but even in the best case scenario, there is a difference. When you are part of a couple, you have this assumption that there is someone there for you to count on. A partner – whether a true one or not- means that there are two of you instead of one. As a couple, your plans, your goals, your presumption about the way your life will follow, they all factor in another person in some way and change the equation.
I need to remember what it is like to live in a way where the equation only factors in me. Some of what I didn’t realize I lost in the last few years needs to be found again, before I feel like I can trust myself in a new relationship. Before I feel like I am ready to trust someone else.
A part of that rediscovery, includes rediscovering my own sexiness and attractiveness. For a variety of reasons, for the last few years I’ve been struggling even more than usual with my own self-image. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Every time I caught a glimpse of myself, I would experience a visceral reaction of self-hate. The only images of myself I liked were the selfies I would take myself. For those few seconds, I could look at myself and not hate what I see.
Engaging in casual hookups was a way to feel sexy again in a way I don’t get to experience in most public spaces.
I tried Craigslist first. It always sort of existed in my mind as the way you arrange hookups. That proved a bust. Turns out the reason there are no women on CL is because anytime they post, they’re reported as being spam. Also the people reading them have no idea how to follow basic instructions like: include a photo. After the third time my ad was removed for being spam, I was getting fed up.
On the advice of a friend, I tried Tinder and struck gold.
For all its faults, tinder is a useful way to arrange hookups. The option of swiping left and right eliminates a lot of the guess work of other dating sites, since you find out right away whether the person on the other end is interested or not.
It led to a series of entertaining adventures. In days I doubled my sexual experience; both in terms of numbers and even in terms of things I’ve tried or engaged in. Entertainingly, I’ve once again rediscovered that good sex can be its own form of physiotherapy as I regain certain aspects of my mobility.
After an enthusiastic first few weeks, I’ve slowed down somewhat. At the very least, I’ve decided to pace myself. Of course, that might have as much to do with suddenly being overwhelmed with things I have to take care of rather than any actual diminishment in enthusiasm.
It’s been an interesting adventure and as someone who has long seen sex as a special interest, not just the act but the actual psychology and science behind it as well, it’s been an interesting learning experience as well.
I don’t feel comfortable sharing specific details. The people I’ve enjoyed time with have a right to their privacy, but, I will be sharing some of the lessons. So stay tuned for Tales of Tinder.