The Irony of Hope

hope (noun) – a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

synonyms: aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design; dream, daydream, pipe dream

hope (verb) – want something to happen or be the case.
synonyms: expect, anticipate, look for, be hopeful of, pin one’s hopes on, want; wish for, long for, dream of

Hopes, wishes, dreams, all things that for some of us will only be a let down. Some people will never get to achieve their dreams or fulfill their life goals. We wish or hope for something and it will never happen. It can even be a setup for failure to even have hope in the first place. It is a cold comfort and one I refuse to bother with anymore.

Hope just means I get to be disappointed, again. Like every time before. All my dreams and hopes just laid shattered in pieces around me. Thanks to my trauma, my mental illnesses/disabilities, my physical disabilities. Thanks to every person that touched my life and added fuel to the fire. To everyone who hurt me and fucked up my life so bad that I can’t have hope anymore. I don’t get to dream.

The reason hoping, dreaming, and wishing is all bullshit is because it is expectations. If you have any expectations at all or plans, or goals, you can be let down. Getting let down can lead to having some sad feels for a while, to a crushing weight that feels like it will never leave us. These shattered hopes just pile up on top of me until I can’t even move. I can barely breathe because I will inhale all these shards of shattered hope like fine pieces of glass.

Expectations vs. Reality.

Expectations of oneself is bad enough, then you pile on expectations of “family”, friends, society, strangers. Expectations are a good way to fuck people up. Expectations are pressure. Now self expectations we have to fix that ourselves. I have to battle my own brain meat and stop holding myself to expectations that I would never hold other people too. Expectations from other people? Ya’ll can knock that shit off anytime. You just “want what is best” for us? Or any other manner of justifying unrealistic expectations. Or even not just unrealistic, but maybe they have their own dreams, hopes and aspirations. When you pressure someone to be something they can’t or don’t want to be, it doesn’t usually end well for the pressured. The person with the expectations can also be let down, but really we don’t care about you.

Sure some people can achieve all the things, or even just one major awesome thing. Some people can “bootstrap up enough” and do the things. Good on them. I don’t get to however. I also never got the choice. I got a life sentence of dealing with the after effects of the misery inflicted upon me by other people. Thanks for that be tee dubs.

Hope is the worst thing you can give someone.
Hope is terrible.

Fuck Hope.

The Irony of Hope
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