Except if you’re fat

So since the overturn of Roe v. Wade last year, this list has been passed around. It is a list of gynecologists who will perform tubals and such, no questions asked. Great!

However, here is the catch. If you’re fat? You’re out of luck. I know this because my former Austin doctor is on the list. And she told me when I saw her last year (before the overturn) that I needed to lose 50 pounds before she’d even consider it.

This is bullshit for several reasons. But for me, personally, losing weight is nearly impossible. I have hypothyroidism, I’m multiply physically disabled. Exercise is hard for me. Currently, I am homeless and have very little access to good and healthy foods. I’m also currently dealing with heart problems that may be some form of heart disease.

Losing weight for me is not as easy as just joining a gym and eating “right”. And while I was not homeless when I saw the Austin doctor, I was living below the poverty line and as we know (or should know by now), eating healthily on food stamps is a struggle.

So, I do appreciate that this list exists but I wish people would remember that fat people also exist. Seeing this list with no disclaimer for fat people is hurtful. It feels like I and my fellow fat people are being ignored. Which is what society does to us, if they’re not ridiculing us, that is.

Except if you’re fat
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20 Days



I didn’t realize it was that close.

July 16th, 2022 was when she pushed me.

I didn’t know it then but it would mean so much shit would come to light about her.

I know I cannot anticipate feelings. I don’t know how I’ll be that day.

And however I am that day, I don’t need me judging it one way or another.

But now? I’m suddenly very sad. I think because today being Stitch Day (6/26) and Stitch’s speech about his family meant so much to me. So it’s heavy on my mind; all I lost.

Anyway here’s a story:

I was talking to friend about it while it was happening but BB didn’t spend any time with us at the pride picnic cuz she’s pigheaded and didn’t listen to me about parking. It was a microcosm of our relationship at that point. She thinks she knew better than everyone. Better than me. Even after reading the suggestions the picnic organizers posted. She knew better than them.

And so

What was supposed to be a good day, was marred by her stubbornness and some other stuff going on with my kiddo. All the while I’m trying to hold everything together with gum and smiles.

PD:

I have been scarce but that’s because I am back in NY after leaving almost three years ago to marry my now ex-wife. I will write more about that and what happened soon. I just needed to get the above out of my head.

20 Days

Understanding Highly Pathogenic Avian Influenza

Here are some facts about HPAI:

HPAI stands for Highly Pathogenic Avian Influenza. It spreads very easily among flocks, and has a high rate of mortality.

Avian Influenza (AI) is separated into two categories: Low pathogenic which has few visible symptoms (aka clinical signs) and a relatively low mortality rate, and Highly pathogenic which has a high mortality rate and is easily spread. Low Pathogenic strains can suddenly and without warning become highly pathogenic.

AI is spread from wild birds, via direct transmission or through exposure to their manure. It can be passed via contaminated footwear and clothing.

Wild birds, and in particular waterfowl, act as reservoirs for infection because they are usually less severely affected by the virus. The current outbreak is different in that it seems to also be highly pathogenic among wild bird species. If you’re seeing a larger number of dead birds, like ducks and geese, in public parks and spaces – this is why.

This particular strain has also been identified among bald eagles and red-tailed hawks, which means in addition to having an impact on our food sources, it is also having an environmental impact. Continue reading “Understanding Highly Pathogenic Avian Influenza”

Understanding Highly Pathogenic Avian Influenza

Shelter Food

I was thinking of writing about my current living situation, which is that I and TJ are back in NY and living in a homeless shelter. I left BB, after an instance of abuse. There were other issues that I won’t get into just yet. I only left a month ago.

I guess I’m still untangling the bullshit that were the last few months of our five year relationship and some other issues I hadn’t really paid attention to and thought I could just ignore because everything else was going so well, or so I thought.

Instead of writing about that, for now, I’ll write about shelter living. This isn’t our first time in the NYC homeless shelter system unfortunately. So TJ and I were at least somewhat prepared.

For this first post about shelter life, I want to share about the food. There are positives in that there is food provided every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But most of the time, it’s not good. And I don’t mean in terms on taste, although that is also an issue. These meals are microwaveable and sometimes they’re drowning in water. Too much to simply pat with a paper towel. There’s also the issue that most of the time they’ve been serving different types of pasta. Poor people deserve to have variety and tasty options.

Thankfully, they do provide plenty of fruits like bananas, apples, oranges and even kiwis. They also provide small cartons of milk, and little cups of juice.

In our room, we have a mini fridge but no stove. So when we don’t eat the meals provided by the shelter, we either eat at my brother’s place or have microwaveable meals I bought.

After four weeks of microwaveable meals, I can honestly I am sick of them. I did mention I buy some microwaveable dinners myself and that’s because I was given emergency food stamps (now known as SNAP). I am still waiting to hear if I’m approved for SNAP, cash assistance and Medicaid.

The following photos are of some the meals we’ve gotten so far.

Stuffed shells with mixed veggies
Pizza and broccoli
Pasta with meat sauce that mostly meat
Cheese crepes with veggies. This was interesting but not good. The crepes were frozen so I had to microwave them but the cheese was sweet and it did not taste good hot.
Stuffed pepper with barely any pepper, couscous and carrots
More pasta and veggies
Swedish meatballs and some pasta
Mashed potatoes, veggies and cinchen

We get a lot of repeat meals, They just put them out again if no one takes them which makes sense. But poor people deserve variety and tasty food too. 
Today we’re eating dinner at my brother’s and I realize that is a privilege, I know a lot of people do not have family that can help them. 

Meals are also served between certain times and sometimes, I have appointments or other obligations and I miss meal time. Eating out is expensive, food at the supermarket is expensive and I still haven’t heard about approval from welfare yet. 

This is just one glimpse into my life. If you want to help me survive, there are several ways. 

PayPal

Note: My PayPal is a business account so I will pay a fee every time when you send me something so account for that. I tried downgrading my account but couldn’t. If you prefer, venmo is the best way to help currently. 

Venmo: @sunflowerpunksjw

Thank you

Sunflower Punk

Shelter Food

King and Country

I’m taking a creative writing class over the summer. We had an assignment recently to write a sort story of up to 1500 words. The following is my submission. I hope you enjoy.

PS. If my prof happens to google the story and finds this blog, note that I am in fact one of your students. You teach English to white people. 😉 (Note for readers: it’s a reference to something in class)

King and Country

I close my burning eyes as the shifting wind blows a cloud of smoke my way. Later tonight in my tent, I will go to sleep smiling at the smell of campfire and cool forest nights. The wind, really more of a breeze, shifts again and the smoke is gone.

There’s nothing actually silent about the forest at night. In the distance, frogs chirp in the hopes of attracting a mate. From time to time a barred owl barks out its strange call, while all around you is the rustling of leaves that could be anything from a little fieldmouse or a stalking cougar.  It’s full of life in a way that makes me feel connected to the world; A feeling I find difficult to recreate when I’m back in the city.

I like watching the fire. The way the flames dance to some secret song, the occasional sparks and cracks, and the feeling of warmth against my skin, all of it mesmerizes me.

It takes me a moment to realize that the glowing red orbs in front of me are not after-images from the fire but are in fact eyes. My heart nearly stops, when a raspy voice breaks the silence. “Greetings Traveller. May I impose upon your hospitality and share your fire tonight?”

“Oh! Um, sure. Welcome.” I answer back automatically, which takes me by surprise. I’m not usually one for being alone in the woods with strange men, no matter how formal and polite, and that’s even when they don’t have unnaturally red glowing eyes. “Can I offer you a drink or something?” I ask.

“I’ll take a smoke, if you’re offering.” He answers back, the shadow of his head nodding towards the small bad of pre-rolls lying next to me.

“It’s not tobacco. Hope that’s ok.”

“That’s just fine.”

Even as he approaches the fire his features stay shadowed, so that all I can see is a dark shape of a man and those eyes. As ridiculous as it sounds, it’s like my own head won’t let me fill in any of the details.

He takes the offered joint and flops over so that he’s reclining against a log. I watch the cherry flare up as he takes a long hit, and then after a short pause, exhales in a sigh of satisfaction. The smoke drifts out from where his mouth must be.

Feeling awkward and like I’m staring, I grab my little cast-iron kettle and fill it at the stream, and set it down by the fire to boil. That’s when I notice that the frogs and rustling in the leaves have gone completely quiet.

Between the sudden unnatural silence, and the uncanny way his eyes glow, I feel like I’ve suddenly stepped into the middle of some fairy tale. I think about the different stories I’ve heard and read over the years about encounters in the woods as I work on prepping the tea.

Once everything’s ready, the shadow man pulls out a tin cup out of somewhere. I pour us both a cup, serving him first, before sitting down on the log I’ve been using as a seat and lighting my own joint. I study his shape closely, looking for some clue as to who, or what I’m dealing with. There wasn’t much.

“Are you the devil?” I blurt out.

The Shadow Man, as I had taken to thinking of him in my head, sipped at his tea for a moment. I wondered if I had insulted him and was about to apologize when he spoke.

“I have been called that before, and there are perhaps those that would consider me so, but no. I am not the God of Abraham’s Lightbringer.” He shifted in his seat a little, before taking another sip and considering his cup for a moment.

“The name for what I am has been lost to time” he continued. “Perhaps the closest thing to your understanding would be the Arthurian Fisher King.”

“You’re an ancient decrepit king who can’t die?” I ask somewhat disbelievingly.

He makes a wheezing sound I take for laughter, “Not quite. More what he represents.”

I tilt my head to encourage him to keep talking. A part of me wonders if I fell asleep at some point, but my dreams are never this linear.

He sits up a bit straighter and clears his throat. I’m in for it now, I think to myself amused, recognizing the look of a man preparing to educate. At least this time I actually asked for it.

“The lesson of the Fisher King is the connection between the land and ruler. The king and the land are one in that the king represents the land, but also in the sense that the ruler’s responsibility is the health of the land. Removed from the natural order of things, the way he is, the Fisher King brings desolation to his kingdom. He represents a stagnant system and ideas whose time have passed, but who refuse to change. A ruler blinded by his own self-interest to the needs of the land and his people.”

“Is this that thing where people used to sacrifice the king in the event of a drought so that his blood could nourish the land?” I can’t explain why, but I get the sense that he smiles in response.

“Some generations tended to be pretty direct.” He wheezed that strange laugh again. “But I think you would be hard pressed to find people willing to lead if they knew they were going to be sacrificed every time there was a natural disaster.”

The Shadow Man stares into the fire, lost for a moment in his own thoughts. He picks up a small chunk of wood that was lying nearby and produces a small knife from the same incomprehensible place the cup came from. Flakes of wood fall around him as he starts to whittle something.

“At some point in time, humans started thinking of themselves as something apart from nature. Living alongside, perhaps, but not a part of it. As though you weren’t just apes who discovered that if you work together, you can hunt bigger prey and keep each other safer. That the more of you worked together, the more you could achieve and discover.”  He speaks in a way that makes it hard to tell if he’s talking to me, or just thinking out loud. He sounds sad, almost wistful, until suddenly he looks directly at me and his voice takes on a hint of anger.

“The smarter you became, the more you forgot. You learned to tame the beasts and forgot that you were one of them. You learned the secrets of growing things, and forgot that the earth is a living thing and your mother. You forgot you were connected to the world around you, and now bit by bit, you forget your connection to each other. And the world suffers for it.”

I think about how earlier this evening I had just been thinking about how being here in the middle of the woods I felt at my most connected to the world. I think about how disconnected I feel the rest of the time. I think about how much everything is a struggle these days and how often I find myself just wishing I could find a plot of land somewhere where I could gather all my friends and loved ones so we could support one another, and help make things just a little easier.

“I think I understand,” I venture. “You’re what the Fisher King would be if he were healed. You’re a manifestation of all that we’ve forgotten and the world that could be if we remembered it once more. The King and the Land as one, if you will.” This time I’m sure he smiles. “Must be lonely.”

His smile takes on a note of resigned sadness that I’m too familiar with personally. “You’re quick.”

I’m about to ask why he’s telling me all this when I remember something I had read years ago about the fey and the old gods. They were all powerful, except that they depended on mortal memory. If they were forgotten, they would fade and then finally disappear. As I’m thinking this, I notice that it’s as if my eyes have become somewhat accustomed to his darkness so that now I can just make out the faint suggestion of facial features.

As if following my thoughts, he repeats “You’re quick.”

We ease into a companiable silence, the frogs singing once more. I must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing I know I’m waking up to the sun in my eyes. I look around for my companion from last night but he’s gone. Just as I’m wondering if I had dreamed it all after all, I notice something sitting on the log. As I pick it up, I recognize it as the Shadow Man’s carving: a little kingfisher bird.

King and Country

7 Lessons From Dairy Farming: Why Breastfeeding is NOT a solution to the Shortage

I will start off by stating the obvious that human lactating persons are NOT cows nor should one compare such a person to a cow.

That being said, nowhere is lactation and milk supply management studied quite as closely as when it comes to dairy cows and other mammals. Dairy farmer’s lives revolve around this, and so as a result, it makes up a large part of studying something like say, dairy management. Everything, from feed, housing design, disease management, biosecurity, breeding, all of it is with one goal in mind – optimizing milk production. There are a lot of lessons from this that are applicable when considering the question of whether proposing breastfeeding as a reasonable solution to the formula shortage.

Spoiler: IT’s NOT.
Applicable lessons on Milk Production from a Farming Student:

  1. Lactation is controlled by hormones. When the milk supply dries up, it can only be restarted through birth or by using hormone injections, which can take time and doesn’t always work and is also not an option for everyone. For example, use of bovine hormones to generate milk production in dairy cattle is not permitted).

    How it Applies: If the baby wasn’t being breastfed previously, its not just an easy thing to start breastfeeding after milk supply dries up.

  2. Production Capacity is highly individual and has a genetic component (in Cows interestingly it’s linked to bulls actually if I remember correctly). The dairy farm will have cows that produce only a fraction of what the highest producers do, and this is in a breed that was specifically bred for milk production.

    How it Applies

    : Not every person is able to produce enough milk to adequately feed their child and need to supplement for their child to survive.
  3. A lot of things can cause a milk supply to drop or dry off: disease, injury, stress, lack of nutrition, and insufficient clean water are just some examples. Milk supply will also go down with age.

    How it Applies: There are a variety of things that could cause someone’s milk supply to drop, stop, or never come in to begin with.
    High levels of stress, not having adequate access to nutrition, can similarly prevent persons from producing sufficient milk necessary, and can impact yield. Places without consistent access to water (like say Flint, MI), may lead to dehydration among poorer individuals causing them to be unable to produce sufficiently. It’s worth noting that this will disproportionately affect people with less support and/or resources.

  4. Medication and certain diseases can contaminate milk. When medication is administered, the milk is subjected to a withdrawal time, which is a set period of time during which any milk produced by the treated animal is not added to the main tank. This is the amount of time necessary for there to no longer be traces of medication in the milk.

    How it applies: People who require certain medication to survive or manage conditions might be unable to safely breastfeed. Similarly, if they catch an illness, they may have to stop breastfeeding to prevent the infection from spreading to the baby.

  5. Milk yield will drop off over time, with highest production occurring a short while after initial start of production and then gradually drop off over time. To go back to full yield, you have to get the cow impregnated, dry her off, and wait for her milk to come in with the next birth.

    How it Applies: Once again, yield is so hugely variable that it’s really not a reliable option. We forget that historically certain classes hired wet-nurses to provide additional nutrition, or forced their slaves into it.

  6. Nutrition and what is being eaten is a huge component of milk production. Grains can increase milk yield for example, but too many can cause acidosis which in turn can cause a huge drop in production. It’s a delicate balance.

    How it Applies: The formula shortages have a high impact on low-income families who may not have the resources and money to be able to travel around to find availabilities in the same way, and cannot afford marked up prices. These same families may not have consistent access to the right food to encourage good milk production.

  7. Milking takes a huge toll on the producing animal. Cows for example will lose body condition (weight) during the process. Calcium will leach from their bones if not sufficiently available. Milk fever is a thing, as are other conditions like mastitis that develop due to the process of milking. It’s a physically intensive process. In Dairy farming, the cow has farmers and farm hands to look out for her wellbeing and doing everything possible to make sure she is happy, healthy, and comfortable.

    How it Applies: It’s just as intensive on humans. It takes real physical resources, and time. For some women it can be painful and unpleasant. For some it’s just not possible. A significant number of breastfeeding people don’t have the level of support that would make breastfeeding possible to sustain.

Lactation whether in dairy animals or in humans is not just a simple thing. We have this assumption that just because something occurs naturally, that the process is simple and works properly every time. The reality is much more complicated than that.

Death and infant mortality occur in nature all the time. Failure to Thrive is one of the terms given to animals who cannot feed adequately, either due to an internal inability or because there isn’t enough milk for them.

Even in farming, we use formula to supplement since milk may not always be available. We even have replacement colostrum for emergencies.

Breastfeeding can be a great thing when it’s a possibility, but it’s not simple and it’s not free the way people imagine. It is absolutely not a solution to the formula shortage because formula is literally a solution to the problems with breastfeeding.

7 Lessons From Dairy Farming: Why Breastfeeding is NOT a solution to the Shortage