Coerced Sex and The Establishment

I love The Establishment. I know some cool people who write for it, I’ve considered submitting something for it. And I still do.

But honeys, and I say this with love, y’all done fucked the entire fuck up.

Excuse me, but what the hell is this? It starts off sad, girl meet boy, they marry, and boy isn’t interested in sex as much, girl writes about it.  A sad state of affairs when sexual hungers don’t match.

Then we go down the rabbit hole of WTF?:

I married a man for whom making love to his wife has become an afterthought, or an occasional reaction, under duress, to my advances.

Don’t see a problem? Switch the genders. Now do you see it?

Don’t get me wrong; I sorta feel for this lady.  Not feeling sexual desirable to one’s spouse can be devastating. But that doesn’t make sex under duress okay.  It creeps me the fuck out, reading bits like this:

I used to wake him up with kisses, teasing, boldly climbing on top of him and having my way. He responded by laying still, his eyes closed, sometimes with his fingertips on my hips, waiting for me to have an orgasm so he could go back to sleep. The one-sided nature quickly felt dirty and wrong. What kind of asshole was I, taking sex from him when he didn’t want it, just so I could get off?

Now, thebestbetty has the best breakdown of why all of this is just WUT? and why would a progressive feminist news blog would post this, and I suggest reading it.  I want to take this from the view of said coerced partner.

Getting drunk just to have teh seks is a huge red flag.  I remember drunken nights of “passion” that left me lying on my back hoping to God whoever this was thrusting into me would finish already so I could sleep/return to the party/etc. In a world where sex advice mentions shit like “just go along with it, you’ll get into it” as a way to get uninterested partners on the level of their more sexual partners, shit like this squicks me out. This type of advice makes the less interested party look and sound like the bad guy, denying their loved ones the sex needed to run their relationship. So the more sexual partner gets advice like this, or to talk about becoming nonmongamous, or breaking up (and if they break up, they’re seen as the more reasonable one.  I mean, who isn’t into sex? Obvious something what up with the ex, right?).

And this ace chick thinks it’s gross.  It’s exploitative. Where’s the advice for the more sexual partner to just masturbate already?  How about a cuddle for cuddle’s sake without making it some sort of sneaky way to get sex started?

I’m glad this women feels dirty and wrong, because sex like this IS dirty and wrong.  You’re having sex with someone who wasn’t responsive, just because there was an erection there.  Do I have to mention that erections are not consent?  Do I really? Have they tried therapy, because everything about this is wrong. wrong. wrong? His drinking (and pissing the bed? Dude, put on some Depends during bender night or get into rehab to drink less stat) and her damn near raping him is going to fuck up what’s already a fucked up situation.

Ugh, this entire issue makes me want a shower.  The Establishment, please do the right thing and pull this article.  I hate the thought of having to add an asterisk when I recommend you to others.

Coerced Sex and The Establishment

9 thoughts on “Coerced Sex and The Establishment

  1. 1

    In humans, height is clearly seen as a variable and is simply accepted as part of life. But when it comes to sexual desires as based on a person’s sex drive…..well the person with a strong sex drive is of course always in the wrong. How sad we cannot accept the variation in sex drive as a part of life as we do with height? This lack of acceptance of differences among us is a tragedy. Before a couple decides to get married they should seriously consider finding out if there is a significant difference between them, then act rationally. If the man only desires sex once a month, he should not marry a woman who desires sex twice a day (or vise versa).

    1. 1.1

      I’ve actually seen a bit of a backlash, blaming the less sexual partner for denying their partner something so vital (hence some of the “Just go for it, you’ll get into eventually” bits of advice I’ve seen). This couple needs help, since it’s after the fact and there’s kids involved.

  2. 2

    Thank you so much for writing this! I didn’t include speculation about the husband’s sexuality or struggle because I didn’t feel comfortable going on about it, and I’m not asexual, so speaking to that would be disingenuous and, in my opinion, speaking over those who are much more qualified to speak to that experience and perspective than myself. So thank you so much for adding this into the conversation; it’s absolutely vital and *brilliant.*

  3. 3

    I think I’ve only seen the person with the lower sex drive being blamed as wrong since, of course everyone likes sex.
    I’m not christian anymore (pretty conservative christian background) but oh boy ,was sex expected in marriage, with the expected result of many kids.
    If you weren’t into it you were unnatural after all, sex was gods gift, but only for married folks.

  4. 5

    No one should be “blamed” or shamed for their level of sex drive (desires). As far as I know, a persons personal level of sexual desire has a genetic base then influenced by their family and unfortunately their religion. A person with a low sex drive usually appears the be the pious one, whereas one who has a strong drive is being influence by satan. That is the Christianized society we live in today. There is a much more reasonable appropriate approach to addressing these differences without yielding to condemnation tactics. I like the bumpersticker that reads: “DIFFERENT IS NOT ANOTHER WORD FOR WRONG.”

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