No One’s Ever Asked Me These

I adore watching and reading people I like and respect answer the unending questions Christians like to ask Atheists.  They’re always so well-written and lovely and researched and shit.  The current round has been answered by the likes of Kaveh Mousavi, who links to others who have answered them.


First of all, it’s adorable that they insist that these are questions that we can’t answer honestly.  Because honest apparently means “to my satisfaction” and since these same Christians never will be satisfied by Atheists in general, we’ll never be honest. Or something.

1. How Did You Become an Atheist?

When God shot my ma and pa in an alley outside of that movie theater…oh wait, that’s how I became Batman.

The Bible doesn’t make sense, and I figured that out by reading it front to back and front to back again when I was a youngin’. I mean, come on, two of every animal on a big fuck off boat? The world being created in six days? Bats are birds? Feeding a crapton of people on a single meal of fish and bread? The Revelation sounds more like one fucked up fever dream than any so-called “prophecy”.

Combine that with feigning participation in church (I had no choice, I was a kid), and it was pretty plain to me that this had to be some kind of joke.  Okay, that was when I became an Asshole Atheist.  I’ve mellowed out a great deal as I got older.

2. What happens when we die?

We stop breathing and start rotting. Next!

3. What if you’re wrong? And there is a Heaven? And there is a HELL!

If there was a Heaven and a HELL!, guess my goose is cooked.  But a God that couldn’t provide adequate proof to convince a 12-year-old of His existence and throw her ass in HELL! isn’t worth hedging my bets for.

4. Without God, where do you get your morality from?

My hair dryer. Wait, no. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure – “Thou Shalt be Excellent to Each Other”.  With Niki’s corollary “Unless they’re an asshole, or a bigot. Then game on.”

5. If there is no God, can we do what we want? Are we free to murder and rape? While good deeds are unrewarded?

Sure! Why just the other day, I threw a grenade into my neighbor’s backyard because their kids were too loud.  Then I walked an old lady across the street, and shoved her back into traffic when she didn’t thank me for my very good deed. I can do whatever the fuck I want and there are no laws, police, common sense, or sense of empathy to stop me!


6. If there is no god, how does your life have any meaning?

As long as there are assholes and bigots to mock and get pissed at, my life will always have meaning.

7. Where did the universe come from?

*shrugs* Do I look like a scientist? Is your Google broken?

8. What about miracles? What all the people who claim to have a connection with Jesus? What about those who claim to have seen saints or angels?


Hey, it works for excusing vampire attacks.

9. What’s your view of Dawkins, Hitchens and Harris?

Asshole, asshole, and asshole.

10. If there is no God, then why does every society have a religion?


Hey, it works for miracles.

No One’s Ever Asked Me These
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7 thoughts on “No One’s Ever Asked Me These

  1. 2


    Actually, ergot is pretty major candidate for most of Africa and Eurasia, with belladonna, assorted members of the datura, amanita mushrooms, dried secretions of the Sonoran Desert Toad, Ayahuasca, opium, hashish, nutmeg, and a bewildering variety of other animal, vegetable, and fungal products taking up the slack everywhere else (and also in the areas where ergot was found; apparently people like getting high). Not to mention, of course, fasting, resisting sleep, and other means of subjecting the body to extreme stress, voluntarily or otherwise. And also concussions and some types of brain damage. Not to mention more than a few apparently innate neurological states/conditions. And of course the possibility that some of the people who claim to have had these experiences are lying. We can’t forget the con artists and swindlers.

  2. 4

    What happens when we die, as far as I’m concerned, is that the signals in our brains stop signaling, our hearts stop beating, and that’s it for the whole being alive thing. After we die, well, if we were halfway decent humans while alive then those who loved us will mourn us, will tell stories about us that sometimes end in laughter, sometimes in silence, sometimes in tears. As grief wanes those stories become fewer, the telling less intense, less frequent. People who didn’t love us or who actively hated us might breathe a sigh of relief, or, alternately, they might discover a newfound appreciation for the person they’d previously given short shrift. People who didn’t know us won’t much care. After a while, unless we did something super huge that we got recognition for, we’ll fade into obscurity; maybe someday if we’re super duper lucky an archeologist will come upon our bones and try to make sense of the time period in which we lived by examining our measly remains.

    Best case scenario, really, because the idea of eternal life freaks my shit right out.

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