…but I’m gonna try to make it through this post without passing out or having too many typos, because I needed something up here that was actually based on a true story and totally wasn’t me not checking my facts before coughing out a rant post.

Nope.  Not me.

Anyway, today in “White People”, Maine’s governor is a racist shitbag. He’s the sort of racist shitbag who tries to hide their racism under the blanket of “concern”.  As usual, like a puppy or a toddler trying to hide under said blanket, their ass is usually showing.

And they’re not nearly as cute as a toddler or a puppy.

So, this is the money quote:

“The traffickers — these aren’t people who take drugs. These are guys by the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty,” he said. “These type of guys that come from Connecticut and New York. They come up here, they sell their heroin, then they go back home.”

He continued: “Incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave. Which is the real sad thing, because then we have another issue that we have to deal with down the road.”

Wow, there’s so much to unpack, but since we all know (hopefully) how shitty this is, and I’ve got a headache, bad sleep, and a load of laundry to fold, let’s just make fun of the fucking thing, kay?

First, there’s this bit:

“The traffickers — these aren’t people who take drugs. These are guys by the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty,”

Whoa there, partner, I’m gonna have  to throw a flag on this play. “Foul, white person attempt to pull ‘urban’ terms out of ass”.  Penalty, five yards or a free throw or a free kick or something.  Look, I don’t do sports, okay?

D-Money.  Okay, makes vague sense.  Like he might have seen one of those 90s urban gangsta movies…back in the 90s.

“Smoothie”?  Say what? Is he mistaking a trafficker for what he had for breakfast?

“Shifty” Oh yeah, you know ol’ Shifty from down the block, right? Everyone gets their stuff from ol’ Shifty.

Now, seriously, dude. This is sounding like YOU took heroin, watched Snow White, and coughed up the worst version you could think of.  What is this, D-Money and the Seven Drug Traffickers? You got Smoothie, there’s Shifty, who’s next? Drugee, Layzie, Krayzie, Bizzy, Easy-E, and their homeboy/source, Dopey?

Pro-tip: Just leave the examples to the professionals, okay? You’d sound like ridiculous that way.

Next part!

“These type of guys that come from Connecticut and New York. They come up here, they sell their heroin, then they go back home.”

Now I’ll admit I’m talking out of my ass here, because last time I checked, heroin is fucking everywhere. At least he had the brain to mention one state where it could well likely ‘come from’, good ol’ dogwhistle New York.  But come on, dude.  I’ve been to Maine.  Met some lovely people. Ate a bunch of lobster.  Rode on a boat. Sure, the only thing darker than me was the beer I was drinking, but lovely people.

And even I know the two things Maine is known for are A) Delicious lobster and B) WEED.  If you’re gonna try to sniff out drugs in your state, sir, the bong smoke is coming from inside the house.  How about you work on that first, hmm?

But oh and lo! the piece of resistance, or whatever. It’s supposed to be French, and I said I was tired, folks.  Chronic nightmares.  Chronic. Nightmares. Splitting headache. Feeling like death.

He continued: “Incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave. Which is the real sad thing, because then we have another issue that we have to deal with down the road.”

Now, if he wasn’t talking about race, as I’m sure someone’s right wing relative or that one ‘friend’ you just can’t let go will insist up to this point, why bother mentioning race here.

Also, seriously?  I know I’ve said that already, but damnit, it’s the name of the blog.  Not only are these oddly named drug traffickers bring heroin to the fine state of Maine, but they’re leaving behind knocked up young white women! Gasp! Le horror!

So pretty much, it’s Trump’s “Them damn Mexicans are drug dealers and rapists” rant narrowed down and aimed at another minority.  Great job, man. Will you be running for president next cycle? Because you’re already leaps and bounds ready for the Republican xenophobia ticket.

Okay, meds and bed and shit.  The laundry can wait another hour or two, right?

Have a good weekend.  Don’t get sick. Also, lobster.  Delicious, delicious lobster.

Y’all, it was fresh off the boat.  Like Low Country Boils of my childhood memories, except with lobster.

Mmmmm…