(Content Warning: So. Much. Dragon Age Geeking. You’ve been warned)
(Also, this is mostly a ramble. I needed this and you will deal.)
It’s been a rough week? Month? Forever? I dunno.
But I needed a pick me up, so I went peeking through my tags and closing most of them (I’m a tag hoarder, I’ll admit), and I found this gem that I wanted to post sooner, but then racists were racist and people died and all I wanted to do was hide in my room for the next forever.
So I’m a little behind the ball, but who cares? I love having the opportunity to made fun of sad gamerbros being bros, so enough wind up, here’s the pitch.
Someone sent this to Bioware. Some actual human sent this:
Aww, poor boo-boo. Damn shame BioWare lost it’s Most Loyal Fan. I’m sure they’re crying into all the money Dragon Age: Inquisition made.
Full disclosure: I LOVE THIS GAME. Is it perfect? Nah. I could talk about where they fucked up and how they fucked up for days. Because I’m an adult who can love something and criticize it at the same time, something a lot of gamerbros seem incapable of comprehending.
One problem I do NOT have with this game is that my squishy bits aren’t being satisfied enough.
But this, man. Come on. Why not just send a picture of your sad, sad boner and spare so many words? I can’t even reread this shit without imagining this poor fellow just whirling his fists around, whining, “Why aren’t there pretty people and sexy times for meeeeee!”
I mean, damn, it’s not like you got that much detail in the brothel scenes in the two previous games. And if you don’t find Cassandra attractive, I feel sorry for you.
Dude, again, come on. Are women who can kick your ass that scary? More’s the pity, her romance is one of the sweetest ones in the game. I don’t normally roll straight romances for Dragon Age (barring Alistair because fuck you, I’ma be a queen), but I made an exception for this badass.
And Josephine is ugly? What? Her?
What, is it the moles? Dark skin? Accent? She seems smart?
Don’t get me wrong. Everyone’s got tastes, and these two ladies aren’t to everyone’s. I get it. I wish this fool would get it to, because boy oh boy does he try to make his tastes seem universal. I’m pretty sure Orleasian women get to wear their hair however the fuck they want. As for Vivienne’s close shave and the ‘concept of women”, go fuck yourself. The ‘concept of women” is what we decide it is, not you. Just admit that long hair is your thing and stop trying to make it anything more than that.
And in case you though he wasn’t serious, after Tauriq Moosa (whose Twitter you should be following if you like games and diversity and diversity in games) posted this pic on his Twitter, the actual writer fessed up. It’s been ages since this post, so I had to do a little digging, but here’s Tauriq’s post. Around that time, Dude responded and gave his example of a woman in a video that he approved of:
Ciri, from The Witcher 3. Okay. She’s pretty, I’ll give him that. A badass, for sure. Scarred even. But let’s see the differences between Ciri and our DA:I ladies, shall well?
She’s pale with very light hair.
Cassandra has short dark hair, scars and a supposed “man jaw” (though I don’t see much a difference between hers and Ciri’s)
Josephine has long dark hair, is dark skinned and apparently “ugly”
Vivienne’s hair is very, very, very, very short.
…right. I think I get the picture.
So from a very causal glance, it looks like this fellow should just stick to playing The Witcher 3 if Ciri is fapworthy for him. Hell, it even lacks all of that icky feminism and LGBT agenda stuff that apparently makes it impossible to play DA:I.
Now that I’m done mocking his very narrow tastes in women, let’s go to this supposed agenda. Oooh, we have exclusively gay characters you can smooch. Oooh, there’s a transgendered character you get to talk to (a transgendered man, actually, so where the fuck he got the “lecture” about dress wearing from who the fuck knows). OMG women are in important roles and shit. The fact that this was enough to scare this person away makes this game even more enjoyable for me. Truly. It’s pure spite, I know. But as a minority who loves games, it’s spite I believe is well earned. BioWare has a history of making gamerbros whine and sad in the pants, from Zevran’s very existence, to Anders coming onto them, to Kaiden’s a smooching option for girls and boys in the last ME game, which is what I LOVE about them.
And they keep making games. And money. So me thinks this dude and the “lot” of people he knows who agree with him really won’t be missed with their “gay-ass feminist” agenda (I’d find the fact that he managed to use ‘gay’ to mean both ‘homosexual’ and whatever the hell gay’ass was supposed to mean hilarious, if it wasn’t so sad).
Farewell, BioWare’s Most Loyal Fan.