Throwback Thursday posts are posts I have previously written on other sites. They are reposted here sometimes on Thursdays. This post was originally posted on my Fetlife account sometime in 2009. It written in response to a question someone asked about moments of fear of regret about the process of transition.

CN: Body dysphoria, medical transition.

I remember the day I realized the binding had permanently damaged my breasts. I knew I hated them, knew I wanted them removed… but I was terrified. It felt more like a commitment than any other move had felt – starting therapy, changing my ID, changing my name, coming out to my parents, etc. I looked down and realized I’d done something I could never change back, and I felt totally unprepared for it. I cried (which is rare for me) but I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone else, because I was afraid they would think it meant I shouldn’t be allowed to start on T or transition any further.

It took awhile for me to come to terms with that, and I had similar moments of panic later on (the day I realized I was getting back hair for example, or the first time I realized I was balding). But that was the most serious time of confusion for me.

I suppose I could have stopped transitioning then, and I could have gone back to my earlier life. But I didn’t. As terrifying as as that moment was, going back would have been worse. I’m incredibly glad I didn’t loose my nerve that day, or I would certainly not live the life I have now.