Author: Tony Thompson

It’s not a joke, even though it looks that way

Tony Thompson

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”

So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inchpianist?”

So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”

And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”

So the bartender is understandably ashamed.

And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.

And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”

And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”

But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”

And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”

And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.

And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”

And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”

And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”

And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”

And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”

And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!

And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”

And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”

And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inchpianist?”

And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.

And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.

And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”

And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”

And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.

And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.

And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”

And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”

And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”

And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.

So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.

So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”

And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.

And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”

And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”

And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.

And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”

And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.” ♦

 

(source: thenewyorker, via pharyngula)

It’s not a joke, even though it looks that way
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It's not a joke, even though it looks that way

Tony Thompson

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”

So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inchpianist?”

So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”

And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”

So the bartender is understandably ashamed.

And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.

And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”

And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”

But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”

And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”

And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.

And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”

And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”

And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”

And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”

And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”

And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!

And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”

And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”

And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inchpianist?”

And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.

And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.

And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”

And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”

And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.

And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.

And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”

And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”

And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”

And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.

So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.

So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”

And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.

And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”

And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”

And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.

And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”

And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.” ♦

 

(source: thenewyorker, via pharyngula)

It's not a joke, even though it looks that way

Gun Violence

Tony Thompson

I’m a gun control advocate.  I firmly believe-based on the evidence-that the United States has a significant problem with gun violence (deaths by guns, injuries by guns, the threat of violence by gun toting fools, suicides).  Loopholes need to be closed (people can buy guns through family members or online without a background check), military grade weaponry needs to be kept out of the hands of civilians (it’s hard enough to argue that anyone needs a handgun, let alone an AR-15), and psychological test need to be performed prior to gun ownership.  There seem to be cases almost every day where some asshole got mad and drew his gun (and they’re so often MEN), to threaten others, or to shoot them.  It’s happened again:

A Minnesota man who admitted shooting a 17-year-old girl multiple times because she asked him to stop trespassing on his riding lawnmower has been charged with attempted first-degree murder.

According to a criminal complaint obtained by The Associated Press, 40-year-old Chad Pickering shot the 17-year-old girl in the chest, right thigh and left ankle while she was standing on the deck of her Bemidji home on Monday night.

“The victim herself was able to describe what had happened and talk to us and tell us that she’d simply been shot when she stepped out of her house to check on her dogs,” Sheriff Phil Hodapp explained to WCCO.

The teen told investigators that she had asked Pickering not to ride his lawnmower through her yard. She also said that he often carried a pistol with him on the lawnmower.

 

The man was mowing his lawn.  There is no need to carry a gun with you while mowing your lawn.  The constant state of fear many people live in in this country is maddening.  Yes, gun violence is a problem, but violent crime has been dropping in the US.  People see danger over their shoulders to such a degree that they think the only way to protect themselves is with a gun (despite the fact that owning a gun may put you at greater risk of firearm related homicide in their home).  What reason-what logical reason-did that man have for keeping a gun on him while riding his lawnmower? What reason did he have to shoot someone who posed NO danger to him?  Why didn’t he check his frustration and anger before drawing his weapon?  I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know that if that man hadn’t had that gun, that 17 year old would not have been shot.   People often talk about “responsible gun owners”, but unfortunately, we don’t have any way of knowing who is responsible until they use their gun.  Chad Pickering demonstrated that he is not a responsible gun owner.  Perhaps a psychological screening could have determined that and kept him from owning a gun to begin with.

Gun Violence

Stunning views of nature and animals

Tony Thompson

Nature and wildlife photographer Martin Bailey has taken spectacular images of Antartica:

(source: martinbaileyphotography, via mymodernmetropolis)

(source: martinbaileyphotography, via mymodernmetropolis)

 

Nature and photography (by Dalton Portella) combine to showcase the power of the elements:

(source: daltonportella, via mymodernmetropolis)

 

(source: daltonportella, via mymodernmetropolis)

 

and some minimalist art by graphic design artist Andrea Minini:

(source: behance, via mymodernmetropolis)

(source: behance, via mymodernmetropolis) 

Stunning views of nature and animals

Ted Nugent refers to Indians as ‘Unclean Vermin’

Tony Thompson

Ted Nugent has a history of uttering racially charged rhetoric or outright racist crap.

 

Because our legislative, judicial and executive branches of government hold the 10th Amendment in contempt, I’m beginning to wonder if it would have been best had the South won the Civil War.

It might have been better for white people, but it would have massively sucked for Blacks, Asians, or Indians.  This statement ignores the harm of slavery at best.  Or maybe he simply doesn’t care about anyone who isn’t white.

Washington Times columnist and National Rifle Association board member Ted Nugent claimed  that gun owners will be the next Rosa Parks if President Obama issues an executive order confiscating guns.

While Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the White House could take executive action on guns, no one in the administration has said that such action would involve gun confiscation. The administration has reportedly  previously considered executive action to ensure that more records of mental illness were included in the FBI’s background check system.

Despite the fact that gun confiscation is not floated by any serious politician (certainly not one with the ability to get such legislation enacted), Nugent, like many Americans, is deeply concerned about the impending efforts to “take our guns”. He was so worried that he made a comparison to the actions of Rosa Parks, which were pivotal in the Civil Rights Movement.  He’s made a false comparison in his efforts to seem like a demonized minority because gun owners are not a minority, nor have gun owners lost their rights, nor have they had their guns confiscated.  They haven’t been treated as subhuman animals who are 3/5’s of a human being, or denied the right to vote or hold public office.  Gun owners have not been subjected to mob beatings or lynching.  There is absolutely no comparison between Nugent’s completely unwarranted fears and the reality of being black in the United States prior to the Civil Rights Act (or since that time either).  To make a comparison is to point a middle finger to the efforts of many people who sought equality for African-Americans.

National Rifle Association board member Ted Nugent published a column  on birther website WND alleging that if a Republican president had the same drone policy as the Obama administration, “Jesse Jackson and Al Not-So-Sharpton would be lisping their ebonic mumbo-jumbo that the policy and the president are racist and bigoted.”

Belittling and mocking black people for the way they speak (which isn’t accurate to boot) is how you show disdain for them based on their race.  Nugent is proud to be a good old boy racist jackass.

 

Now he’s done it again.  In the wake of having one of his upcoming concerts cancelled, he has called an Idaho Indian tribe ‘unclean vermin’.

“The Motor City Madman” had been schedule to perform for Couer D’Alene Casino in Worley, Idaho on Aug. 4 until the Southern Poverty Law Center caught tribal officials by asking for a comment on Monday. Later that day, the performance had been canceled.

“I take it as a badge of honor that such unclean vermin are upset by me and my positive energy,” Nugent told Gannett Wisconsin Media on Tuesday. Put your heart and soul into everything you do and nobody can stop you. Sometimes you give the world the best you got and you get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you got anyway.”

“By all indicators, I don’t think they actually qualify as people, but there has always been a lunatic fringe of hateful, rotten, dishonest people that hate happy, successful people,” he continued. “I believe raising hell and demanding accountability from our elected employees is Job One for every American. I am simply doing my job.”

‘Positive energy’? What’s so positive about hating people because they’re different from you?He is saying, in no uncertain terms, that Indians are subhuman.  They aren’t deserving of the same rights he has.  I can’t tell you how much I despise this man and what he stands for.  He embodies much of what is wrong with the United States:  a far right authoritarian mindset that hates other racism, other genders, other sexualities, and other points of view.  He’s a seething pile of rage, and I with the media would stop giving him the time of day.

 

EDIT:  It has come to my attention that Nugent was not, in fact, referring to the American Indian group.  He was speaking of his detractors in another venue:

Ted Nugent, who performs Saturday at the Leach Amphitheater in Oshkosh, has a few words for critics calling for Waterfest organizers to cancel his show.

“I take it as a badge of honor that such unclean vermin are upset by me and my positive energy,” Nugent said in a recent interview with Gannett Wisconsin Media. “Put your heart and soul into everything you do and nobody can stop you. Sometimes you give the world the best you got and you get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you got anyway.”

I have chosen to leave the post as I originally composed it, with this disclaimer, in the interests of full disclosure and transparency.  Apologies for not sourcing this properly.

Ted Nugent refers to Indians as ‘Unclean Vermin’

Ted Nugent refers to Indians as 'Unclean Vermin'

Tony Thompson

Ted Nugent has a history of uttering racially charged rhetoric or outright racist crap.

 

Because our legislative, judicial and executive branches of government hold the 10th Amendment in contempt, I’m beginning to wonder if it would have been best had the South won the Civil War.

It might have been better for white people, but it would have massively sucked for Blacks, Asians, or Indians.  This statement ignores the harm of slavery at best.  Or maybe he simply doesn’t care about anyone who isn’t white.

Washington Times columnist and National Rifle Association board member Ted Nugent claimed  that gun owners will be the next Rosa Parks if President Obama issues an executive order confiscating guns.

While Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the White House could take executive action on guns, no one in the administration has said that such action would involve gun confiscation. The administration has reportedly  previously considered executive action to ensure that more records of mental illness were included in the FBI’s background check system.

Despite the fact that gun confiscation is not floated by any serious politician (certainly not one with the ability to get such legislation enacted), Nugent, like many Americans, is deeply concerned about the impending efforts to “take our guns”. He was so worried that he made a comparison to the actions of Rosa Parks, which were pivotal in the Civil Rights Movement.  He’s made a false comparison in his efforts to seem like a demonized minority because gun owners are not a minority, nor have gun owners lost their rights, nor have they had their guns confiscated.  They haven’t been treated as subhuman animals who are 3/5’s of a human being, or denied the right to vote or hold public office.  Gun owners have not been subjected to mob beatings or lynching.  There is absolutely no comparison between Nugent’s completely unwarranted fears and the reality of being black in the United States prior to the Civil Rights Act (or since that time either).  To make a comparison is to point a middle finger to the efforts of many people who sought equality for African-Americans.

National Rifle Association board member Ted Nugent published a column  on birther website WND alleging that if a Republican president had the same drone policy as the Obama administration, “Jesse Jackson and Al Not-So-Sharpton would be lisping their ebonic mumbo-jumbo that the policy and the president are racist and bigoted.”

Belittling and mocking black people for the way they speak (which isn’t accurate to boot) is how you show disdain for them based on their race.  Nugent is proud to be a good old boy racist jackass.

 

Now he’s done it again.  In the wake of having one of his upcoming concerts cancelled, he has called an Idaho Indian tribe ‘unclean vermin’.

“The Motor City Madman” had been schedule to perform for Couer D’Alene Casino in Worley, Idaho on Aug. 4 until the Southern Poverty Law Center caught tribal officials by asking for a comment on Monday. Later that day, the performance had been canceled.

“I take it as a badge of honor that such unclean vermin are upset by me and my positive energy,” Nugent told Gannett Wisconsin Media on Tuesday. Put your heart and soul into everything you do and nobody can stop you. Sometimes you give the world the best you got and you get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you got anyway.”

“By all indicators, I don’t think they actually qualify as people, but there has always been a lunatic fringe of hateful, rotten, dishonest people that hate happy, successful people,” he continued. “I believe raising hell and demanding accountability from our elected employees is Job One for every American. I am simply doing my job.”

‘Positive energy’? What’s so positive about hating people because they’re different from you?He is saying, in no uncertain terms, that Indians are subhuman.  They aren’t deserving of the same rights he has.  I can’t tell you how much I despise this man and what he stands for.  He embodies much of what is wrong with the United States:  a far right authoritarian mindset that hates other racism, other genders, other sexualities, and other points of view.  He’s a seething pile of rage, and I with the media would stop giving him the time of day.

 

EDIT:  It has come to my attention that Nugent was not, in fact, referring to the American Indian group.  He was speaking of his detractors in another venue:

Ted Nugent, who performs Saturday at the Leach Amphitheater in Oshkosh, has a few words for critics calling for Waterfest organizers to cancel his show.

“I take it as a badge of honor that such unclean vermin are upset by me and my positive energy,” Nugent said in a recent interview with Gannett Wisconsin Media. “Put your heart and soul into everything you do and nobody can stop you. Sometimes you give the world the best you got and you get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you got anyway.”

I have chosen to leave the post as I originally composed it, with this disclaimer, in the interests of full disclosure and transparency.  Apologies for not sourcing this properly.

Ted Nugent refers to Indians as 'Unclean Vermin'

Stunning Storm

Tony Thompson,

Lately, I’ve been wandering through the archives of various comics creators like  Jamie McKelvie, Dustin Weaver, and Kieron Gillen.  Earlier today I came across a lovely image of Ororo Munroe, aka Storm.

(source:  8bitmonkey, via kierongillen)

Of all the various styles Ororo has kept her hair in, this is my favorite.  I’d love to see the rest of her outfit.

Here’s an image of Storm by artist Dustin Weaver:

 

Finally, here is a great pic of Storm by artist Mike Maihack:

Stunning Storm

Ottawa police offer useless, victim blaming “advice” for women to avoid rape

Tony Thompson

Two Ottawa women are recovering from some very terrifying moments after they were sexually assaulted in the city’s west end.

The Ottawa Police Sexual Assault and Child Abuse section is investigating after two separate sexual assaults were reported  Monday July 14, 2014.

The first assault happened around 2:30pm in the 2800 block of Dumaurier Avenue when a woman in her late 30’s was attacked.  Just hours later, around 7pm, another woman, also in her 30’s was attacked along a walking path near Richmond Road and Bayshore Drive.

Police say in both cases the female victims were walking when they were grabbed and sexually assaulted (source: ottawctvnews)

In response to these horrific crimes, the Ottawa police department offered advice to women:

  • Try not to walk alone at night but if you do, be alert and avoid dark or isolated areas.  Instead, walk out in the open, away from walls, doorways and pillars.
  • Whether you are walking or driving, determine the safest route before you leave.  Take the longest route if that is the safest.
  • Tell friends or family members where you’re going, and then let them know when you reach your destination.
  • Have your key ready as you approach your house or vehicle.
  • Don’t enter environments where you feel unsafe. Trust your instincts.
  • Know your physical capabilities and limitations.
  • Don’t carry offensive weapons such as knives. They may be used against you.

Ottawa Police say if you suspect you are being followed:

  • Cross the street or walk on the side of the road.
  • Go immediately to the nearest well-lit or populated area.
  • If others are within hearing distance, turn to the person following you and say in a loud and assertive voice: “Stop following me!”
  • Contact Police immediately—go to a house or a store and call the Police or flag down a taxi and ask the driver to call the Police for you.
  • If the person following you is driving a car, take out a pen and paper, look at the licence plate and write the number down, making sure that the driver sees you do this.

Ottawa Police say if you are attacked:

  • Try to remember the complexion, body build, height, weight, age, and type of clothing worn by the attacker. If possible, write down the information while it is still fresh in your memory.
  • If an attacker is after your purse or other valuables, don’t resist. If you have the opportunity, throw your purse away from you to the distance the attacker from you.

I’ll just get it out of the way:  the Ottawa police department may have had the best of intentions, but none of this shit helps.  Why?  Because rapists rape. They’re the ones with the power to NOT rape.  Women are not in control of being raped.  Women are already taught from a young age to watch their behavior, to be careful in public, and other ways of guarding themselves.  This advice is patronizing and tone deaf.  It’s also not informed by facts.

Women are often sexually assaulted  in familiar surroundings.   Telling a woman to be careful at night, or in unfamiliar areas is making an assumption that they’re more likely to be raped under those conditions.  Women are raped at home, at church, at the convenience store, at the mall, or at work.  There is no “safe” place from rape.

Women are raped in the morning, the afternoon, at night, at dusk, at dawn.  There is no time of day women are not raped.

Women are raped whether they wear a full body burqa, or a bikini.  They can show NO skin and get raped, or they can be completely nude and get raped.

Women get raped whether or not they carry a weapon.

Women get raped if they’re stone cold sober, have had a sip of wine, are buzzed, or are shit faced drunk. The level of sobriety has no bearing on whether or not a woman will be raped. Rapists often get women drunk to facilitate their rape bc they know society will look at the woman and blame her (we so often hear about the “I didn’t like the sex so I’m calling it rape” excuse by victim blaming assholes).

Women are raped by family members.  Friends. Lovers.  Spouses.  Exes.  Bosses.  Co-workers.  And yes, strangers.  There is no way to “avoid a rapist” bc theoretically anyone can be a rapist*.  There’s no way to know who is a rapist and who isn’t.  A woman cannot look at someone and determine if they’re going to rape them or not. 

Over at femifesto, the Ottawa police “advice” is searingly mocked:

How To Not Get Raped: The smart way

  1. Start Young: Learn self defence but know that you are physically limited and cannot defend yourself. Learn not to talk to strangers before you learn to talk. Learn not to walk alone before you learn to walk. Especially learn how to be accountable for your rapist’s actions.

  1. Trust Your Instincts: Avoid all environments where you feel unsafe and where sexual assaults commonly take place: walls, doorways, pillars, streets, sidewalks, corridors, elevators, lobbies, parking lots, cars, public transit, cabs, parks, bars, restaurants, apartments, houses, offices, universities, colleges, nursing homes and government institutions.

  1. Always Conform: Don’t embrace the power and pleasures of your own desires. Don’t dress to impress – yourself. Don’t find yourself gorgeous and alive and wanting to share that. Don’t wear flirty skirts or revealing dresses. On the other hand do not be tomboyish. Avoid any expression that does not conform to gender norms as some people may use rape as a way to “discipline” you.    

  1. Don’t Ask For It: Do not smile or be charming. Be pleasant and polite to everyone you meet — if you’re hostile, you may be asking for assault. Also, be sure you don’t lead on your attacker. Never invite anyone into your home, but never be alone. Don’t be coy. Don’t be brazen. Don’t confuse anyone — mixed messages can be dangerous.

  1. Protect Yourself: If you live alone, install extra locks, buy a dog, and carry a small weapon. If you live with others, carry the dog and weapon around your home. Also, make sure you don’t carry the dog or weapon with you, as weapons could be used against you.

  1. Date Smart: Don’t go on dates alone, you could be attacked. Don’t go on dates in groups because then you could be attacked by a number of people. But don’t decline date offers either – insulting a potential suitor is just asking for trouble.

  1. If Attacked: Scream and struggle unless your attacker is the type who will kill you for fighting back. If you stay still for survival, make sure that they wouldn’t have let you go if you had resisted. Talk kindly to them, but don’t say anything that might sound bad in court. Protect yourself from injury, but make sure you get some bruises to count as evidence.

  1. Call the Police: Unless you face institutional barriers to accessing justice i.e. Aboriginal peoples, women of colour, persons with a disability, trans* people, queer folks, sex workers, Muslim women that wear the niqab, youth, low income individuals, homeless people, newcomer women, those with precarious status, Deaf people…you get the picture.

  1. Avoid Rapists: Most importantly stay away from those who commonly commit assaults; strangers, family members, friends, partners, spouses, co-workers, bosses, clients, teachers, doctors, teammates, and police officers. Be extra careful during peak times when rapes occur i.e. daytime, nighttime, dawn, afternoon, early evening, tea time, nap time. If you suspect you are being followed, go to a well lit area: unless you can’t because it’s dark outside – then set off a flare gun or light a torch. (Why are you outside when it’s dark anyway?)

I get that the Ottawa police department wanted to help, but they really need to target men, since the vast majority of rapes are committed by men against women.  If they want to truly do some good, target men.  The campaign Don’t Be That Guy is a good start:

Don’t Be That Guy – a behavioural marketing campaign sends the message that sex without consent is sexual assault. We are sending a visual message to men between the ages of 18 and 25, graphically demonstrating their role in ending alcohol facilitated sexual assaults. Don’t Be That Guy shifts the emphasis to men to take responsibility for their behaviour. Studies involving 18-25 year old men revealed that 48 per cent of the men did not consider it rape if a woman is too drunk to know what is going on.

The original vision for Don’t Be That Guy was a community collaboration in Edmonton, Alberta in response to recognition of increased reports of alcohol facilitated sexual assaults in their city. The community collaboration called themselves SAVE (Sexual Assault Voices of Edmonton) and their major partners were Edmonton Police Service, Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton, University of Alberta Sexual Assault Centre, Saffron Centre, Alberta Health Services – Covenant Health, Prostitution Action and Awareness Foundation of Edmonton, University of Alberta Women’s Studies Program, Red Cross (Edmonton), Responsible Hospitality Edmonton and several community advocates. Here’s more about SAVE.

Stop putting the responsibility for ending rape on women. Men, if you’re opposed to rape and sexual assault, step up.  Don’t remain silent.  Don’t Be That Guy.

 

*Hence the idea behind Schrodinger’s Rapist

Ottawa police offer useless, victim blaming “advice” for women to avoid rape