I got stiffed!

You know how they say “you never forget how to ride a bike”? I found out recently how true that aphorism is (for me at least). I’m house sitting for a relative and the home I am taking care of is well, not quite in the country, but it’s on the outskirts. It’s in a relatively small town (one in which I’ve yet to see a McDonald’s, which is weird-although I’m sure there is one here somewhere). I don’t have a car at the moment, so when I agreed to watch this house, I knew I’d have to walk wherever I needed to go. Thankfully there’s a post office maybe half a mile away (so I can continue selling stuff on ebay) and a neighborhood grocery store a few blocks from that. My parents were funny when I told them I could walk to the grocery store. In their heads, they must have pictured the store being five miles uphill or something, but when I walked it, the distance wasn’t bad at all. After the first time I walked for a few drinks at the store, a family friend was kind enough to let me use his bicycle. When I first got on it, I was a bit unsteady and uncertain. After all, I hadn’t been on a bicycle in over 20 years (stationary bikes at the gym don’t count)–but within a few minutes, it was like I was 13 years old again. Everything came back to me. So maybe there’s something to that saying about riding a bike.  In any event, I’ve made the trip to the store a few times over the last few weeks. I was excited to bike up there again today, bc I was craving wine, some snacks, and an erection.

I’d heard that prolonged bike riding could give a man an erection. So of course, I had to try it out-for science! And it didn’t work. I feel stiffed! It’s not fair. I rode to the store and all I have to show for it is wine, snacks, and a sore ass (the only thing I never liked about bikes-the seats). Turns out though, that it’s not a bicycle that has erection-granting powers; it’s a motorcycle. At least according to one guy who claimed that riding his ’93 BMW motorcycle gave him an acute case of priaprism:

Wolf claimed he suffered an acute case of priapism — a painfully prolonged erection — after riding his 1993 BMW motorcycle for two hours. He claimed the vibrations in the “ridge-like” motorcycle seat caused the condition that lasted several days, so he sued BMW North America and the seat manufacturer, Corbin-Pacific Inc.

The lawsuit claimed product liability, negligence and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Wolf said he was forced to seek treatment at Marin General Hospital and then with other specialists.

On Tuesday — in a 14-page decision laced with medical language about Doppler ultrasounds, tumescence and aspiration of the corposa cavernosa — a three-judge 1st District Court of Appeal panel affirmed a San Francisco Superior Court decision to dismiss the case.

The judges found that Wolf’s appeal “fails to comply with the rules of appellate procedure” by failing to cite the relevant cases or statutes, and it “contains no intelligible argument.” The panel ordered Wolf to pay the defendants’ costs on appeal, a sum likely to be many tens of thousands of dollars.

Damn. “No intelligible argument”. Guess that means motorcycles do not cause erections. Good thing I learned that before I went motorcycle shopping. Guess I’ll have to get an erection the way millions of other USAmerican men do: by purchasing a gun.

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I got stiffed!
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4 thoughts on “I got stiffed!

  1. 1

    Aw, poor Tony.
    But please, don’t buy ag un. There’s tons of sex toys for guys as well.
    In my (modest) experience, people get aroused by the strangest things because bodies are weird.

  2. 2

    I used to ride a Katana. When I would really lay down on it, sometimes the vibration could cause some arousal. However, after switching to a Harley, I never got that feeling. I suspect it has a lot to do with body position.

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