Oh noez! Conservative Americans are losing their rights!

Conservative Christian business owner Brian Klawiter (pictured above) is irate.

He’s not angry about the horrific levels of gun violence in the U.S. or wealth inequality. He’s not worried about Congress being incapable of doing their job or the President ordering drone strikes in other countries. Nor is he worried about cuts to government assistance programs that keep millions of citizens afloat or ongoing efforts to erode the rights of women to exercise control over their reproductive anatomy.

The Grandville, Michigan owner of Dieseltec (an automotive repair company) is also not mad about the country’s dependency on fossil fuels, the threat of climate change, the erosion of the separation of church and state, soaring college tuition costs, crumbling infrastructure, the school-to-prison pipeline, Rape Culture, Citizens United, or the Patriot Act.

No, Klawiter is mad about more important things, and recently posted a rambling tirade on Facebook. In his message, he whines about how the rights of conservative USAmericans are being squashed:

His whiny, barely coherent rant is like something straight out of FOX “News”. There’s so much I could say about this, but I think this response from bankruptcy attorney Jeffrey Maples is a far more amusing and eloquent reply than anything I could manage:


This evening I was reading the news online and came across this story about Dieseltec, a local business that posted a message on their Facebook site proclaiming that homosexuals were not welcome and would be refused service. Our slogan is “Helping Good People through Bad Times” (for this let’s just say “Helping People through Bad Times” ) and boy oh boy Dieseltec, you are in for some bad times and will need my help. So here is my open letter to Dieseltec.

Dear Dieseltec:

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Jeffrey Mapes, and I specialize in bankruptcy law — helping individuals and corporations when things go wrong. I noticed your post on Facebook where you decided to alienate most of the general public by stating that you will refuse service to openly homosexual people. This is certainly an unorthodox business strategy, and perhaps it will work for you, but I get the feeling you will need a bankruptcy attorney pretty soon and I wanted to offer my services. Like you, I am white, male, Christian, a business owner, and a gun owner. Unlike you, I provide services to everyone regardless of their sexual orientation because it doesn’t matter to me — I hope this won’t be a deal breaker for you.

If that upsets you, let me tell you a little bit more about our office to try and persuade you, The first thing you will notice is how friendly and compassionate the office staff is. Despite your inane, incoherent and just plain dumb comments, we know that everyone makes mistakes and we want to help you overcome them. They will also be more than willing to help you with some basic grammar that you seem to struggle with.

If you still need more convincing, let me assure you that we will make certain that your bankruptcy petition is filed correctly and there are no errors. You stated in your post that you would incorrectly assemble a vehicle in order to prove a point. I want to let you know that despite the fact that I would love to prove a point to you about tolerance, I won’t compromise my standards of quality to do so. After all, I have to look in the mirror at the end of the day and if I didn’t do my best for everyone, I would have trouble sleeping. Perhaps you could give me pointers on how you sleep at night?

Just a few other housekeeping items. While I certainly don’t encourage people to bring guns into my office, so long as you have the proper permit and handle it responsibly, you can bring your gun along. I would only ask that you refrain from menacingly stroking your weapon while you quietly sing David Allen Coe songs to yourself. I also think you have a deep and fundamental misunderstanding of the first amendment and how it works, but that is a long discussion and we should save that for when we meet in person.

Well Dieseltec, I hope I’ve convinced you that Mapes Law Offices is the right place for you to file your bankruptcy. I would like to leave you with some words of inspiration from the dramatic film Billy Madison and I hope that you will take them to heart:

“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”


Jeffrey D. Mapes


Klawiter says that as a result of posting his screed, he has received threats to himself, his family, and his business.

Criticize his ideas.

Mock him.

Shun him.

Boycott his business if you choose.

But do not threaten the man or his family.

Neither violence nor the threat of violence should be used in the pursuit of equality.

Oh noez! Conservative Americans are losing their rights!
The Orbit is still fighting a SLAPP suit! Help defend freedom of speech, click here to find out more and donate!

One thought on “Oh noez! Conservative Americans are losing their rights!

  1. 1

    For Klawiter, being who and what he is seems punishment enough. You can’t be that dumb and malignant and be happy. I hope he lives a very long life.

Comments are closed.