A son’s coming out story

James Alexander is a 20 year old college student in not conservative at all state of  Texas.  In October of 2012, he came out to his parents in an email.  In that email, he also heavily criticized them for how they treated him, and he cleared up some misconceptions they, and many people have about homosexuality:

Over the past several years, you and dad have said and done many hurtful things. You two have cause much physical, mental, and emotional stress and turmoil within my life. Both of you have tried to raise me as if I was my sister and most recently, dad has tried to flat out control me in an “alpha male” defense from his clear insecurity. I’m not my sister. I’m an individual who’s very smart, kind, passionate and strong. You may know that already, but you honestly don’t know your son at all.

For years I’ve had to hide that I’m gay because my parents own words and actions hurt me so much. I’ve had to make plans that no child should have to make that include ways I’d survive if I were to be kicked out because of my sexual orientation. You may think you raised me well and in some ways you did, I have great values, morals, and a great sense for the world around me. I’m able to sympathize and empathize in ways that not many other people can and I can see every angle on any issue because of my willingness to learn. It is clear that my own father is the exact opposite.

I’m tired of him trying to push his views on me. I’m an individual and I’m capable of making educated decisions instead of blind opinions and I’m tired of him judging anyone who isn’t white or straight. As for you, you took me to a counselor as if something was wrong with me, but in reality, I’m perfectly fine. The American Psychology Association even agrees there is no problem with homosexuality, bisexuality or any sexuality that is non-traditional and the Association goes on to say that any therapy to try and change someone’s sexuality is extremely detrimental to their well-being and does not work. Your actions hurt me. Especially when you decided to make grand assumptions that I’d go around sleeping with my male friends, that I was promiscuous in the first place, goes as far as monitoring all my phone calls and texts, and even call me a liar. I’ve avoided such confrontation from happening again by simply changing the number I text from. My friends and anyone who knows me, knows that your actions and dad’s actions are awful and they can tell it upsets me.

What I need from my parents is not someone constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I’m being good. I need my parents to let me make my own mistakes and learn from them because the mistakes I’ve allowed myself to make so far have given me insight about the world and made me smarter and wiser. If you and dad keep trying to monitor everything I do, checking my phone calls and texts, checking my bank account, I will not be able to grow much more and if so, only at a snail’s pace.

For the past several months, I’ve been having one unique reoccurring dream which I’ve managed to decipher. The dream comes and goes and the more nights in a row I have it, the stronger and more violent it gets. It starts out with a simple dream where I speak, but no one hears me. It progresses the next night to me yelling at the top of my lungs and still, no one hears me. The next night, It’s a full on scream in you and dad’s face while you repeat the same words over and over that I can’t understand but know aren’t good. The worst it got was right before I found out I couldn’t go to the university. I yelled and hit dad while trying to understand that his son can’t change, never will change, and that he needs to accept it. These dreams stem from a place of anger that can only be fixed with the understanding and support I need from my family.

College was going to be my escape from all of that stuff. All the stress, the dreams, the anxiety; I wouldn’t have to deal with it because you two would be nowhere in sight and I’d be around tons of people who accept me for who I am, love me for who I am, and will always support me no matter what. Both of you have yet to prove you could do so and I will be astounded when that day comes, if it ever does. I desire a proper, supportive, and loving family. My sexuality is not a phase, it never was, it is not a disease, it is not a mental disability, it is not a demonic plague, it is not a choice, and it is certainly not a disgrace to our family. Both of you have a chance to become greater people not only in my eyes, but everyone else’ as well. To have a gay son and handle it so well and support and love them is a challenge, but it is also very simple. All you have to do is say “okay, I’ll do it” and to defend your son for who he is, is a show of strength many people do not ever get to experience.

Because I’m gay, I’ve gone through so many stages of turmoil ultimately leading to acceptance. I know who I am as a person. I do not waiver in my views just to fit the crowd. I proudly would stand alone for whom I am, than with everyone else, and I rather be homeless, than in a family that will treat me horribly for something that isn’t under anyone’s control. As for religious beliefs conflicting with sexuality, Homosexuality has been known all throughout history, the word for is just was not created till the late 1800’s. There were even sanctified gay marriage ceremonies back before the dark ages, only after was it forbidden because the way it was translated from Latin to English. If any religious text is read from the time it is written there are no negative ties to sexuality in anyway. Thusly, the only choice I’ve made is to be happy and proud of whom I am. The choice you must make is, are you willing to stand side by side as a family and support me, or abandon me.

After reading this, you must not know what to think, you may even want to call me. But I urge you to sit down with dad, talk with him and educate him so that you both may have an educated view on this matter. I am not going to fight you over this, I am not going to cry over this, I will not sit down and discuss anything more because this is all I have to say. If you feel that it’s not safe to be a gay male, well it is not. Buy me a Taser if that makes you feel safe. Give me money for prophylactics if you are going to assume I will have sex, but I guarantee if either of you, or my sister dare to make assumptions about me, stereotype me, say hurtful things, I will brush it off and tell you to stop, and if it continues, I will no longer be able to live in your household.

I’m here with my friends who love me. Do not call me, do not text me, and do not ruin my much needed break. I will be home on Sunday. If my stuff is sitting at the front door, then I’ll leave and find somewhere to stay and go to college. Once again, this is something for you and dad to discuss not something I feel the need to discuss any further than this letter unless you two have an apology. Once we can move forward as a family, I’ll no longer be so angry and the harmful environment should change with the values of the family. This was written because I’m tired of the hurting, tired of feeling less human, and feeling like my home is not safe, is not a loving environment, and is not supportive. I’ve done all I can do, it’s your turn to make things right.

Read the many attached articles linked below and then I will talk to you. See you Sunday.

I hope you make the right choice,

Your son, James.

The story does not end there. His parents responded.  I won’t spoil which way it goes, so if you’re curious, click the link.

A son’s coming out story

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