On Desirability And Transition

This was originally posted on Facebook, so I apologize to those who may have already seen it. I felt it was worthy of a cross-post because hot damn sometimes I’m good at words.

CN for hormone replacement therapy, depression, internalized transphobia, dysphoria, desirability/sex, body parts

I am a trans person.

I’ve been on testosterone for almost two years.

I used to feel attractive–yes, even when I lived a life indistinguishable from a woman’s.

And now I’m finding myself thinking my primary partner is eventually going to leave me for a cis woman. A not-mentally-ill cis woman. I’m banking on it, I’m restructuring my brain to try to appreciate that relationship while it lasts, before the inevitable happens.

I’m a trans person.

The only cis man I’m attracted to (or masculine person in general) is my primary partner.

I’m a polyamorous person.

I’ve been ineffectually trying to make connections with women and femmes because those are the only other people I’m interested in.

No luck.

I’m a trans person.

I have been on hormones for almost two years. This has always been a feeling of bringing my body into closer congruence with how I feel, but now I feel like I’ve created a body of disgust.

If taking hormones means bringing my body into congruence with how I feel, and my body is unwanted by seemingly all the people I can say I’d actually be able to follow-through with sexual feelings on… That kind of means that the inside of me is disgusting.

I have a man’s broad shoulders framing a woman’s deflated breasts. I have a distorted version of a woman’s genitalia, not even enough of a change to claim I have a lil peen. I have the voice and budding facial hair of a teenage boy with the no-longer-padded hips made for birthing.

I’m trans.

This is the life many of us lead. We think we’re disgusting because no one seems to want us unless we’re fetishized. I don’t even have the dubious pleasure of being fetishized as a trans woman.

And before you say anything, know that no amount of reassurance on any of your parts is going to help. It doesn’t matter that my friend in Canada or California or Florida thinks I’m attractive.

You’re too far away for your words to have meaning.

A line from Tim Minchin comes to mind: I haven’t yet been offered enough evidence to allay my doubts.

I don’t want to be told that I am wanted. I want to be shown, with desperate earnestness, that I am desired more than words can express; with a passion that can only be expressed in mindless euphoria at the sight, smell, taste, feel, of my body.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever have that again.

Added in comments: In case anyone was wondering, yes I’m literally considering stopping taking testosterone over this.


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Photo by infomatique

On Desirability And Transition

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