Holy crap, look what we found. This is our second-ever Mock The Movie, which, counting the do-over of Sands of Oblivion, means we have every single Mock The Movie transcript! Thanks again to CA7746 for reparsing the original logs into something useable for the web and for subtitle files. They’ll be added to the main page shortly.
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Mock The Movie: The Indestructible Man transcript
We were originally going to mock Brain Twisters, a hacksploitation classic, but Hulu pulled the movie the week before we were going to mock. That, coupled with the fact that we’d begun scheduling Mock The Movie for the first Wednesday of every month after realizing our core participation was experiencing something like mockery burn-out, and we had to start spacing it out a bit more.
The replacement that Stephanie picked out from the Youtube public domain archives was a grand choice, quite frankly. A movie with Lon Chaney as a monster, mediocre acting, but just enough of a plot that we could poke holes in it and pacing such that we weren’t particularly bored trying to do it. I think this movie hit a lot of our sweet spots. And there was some new blood in the mockery mix! Welcome aboard, folks!
Next movie up is Slugs: The Movie on New Year’s Day. Check out the calendar and past transcripts (provided by the ineffable CompulsoryAccount7746 as always) right here. Here. CLICK HERE. GODS JUST CLICK ALREADY.
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How to get me interested in The Hunger Games
Til now, I’ve had little interest in reading or watching The Hunger Games, having suffered through one too many kids-having-to-hurt-each-other dystopian sci-fi novels and movies. If you want to get me interested in the franchise, you’d have to remake it something like this.
Cookieness Evereat. Hah.
Mock The Movie: Terror in the Haunted House transcript
Both Stephanie and I missed out on this one for various reasons. Looks like participation was exceptionally thin — only three stalwarts mocked this movie. We’re moving our mockery to a once-a-month schedule to help mitigate some of the burn-out we may be experiencing, and it’s looking like presently it will be first Wednesday of every month unless people would like to suggest a better time.
I’m also adding Slugs: The Movie, and Road House, to the mocking list. And I’m going to upload, finally, the last several Subtitle files to the archive page, provided, as always, by CA7746.
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Mock The Movie: The Cloth transcript
Imagine Castlevania in movie form, combined with The Exorcist and a smattering of Blade. Then take away all the awesome bits, waste your CG budget on the least-interesting and least-useful bits of the movie, and make sure your action scenes are nigh unfollowable. Dip it repeatedly in Jesus until well saturated. Ensure all the bad guys are easily killed, even — and especially — the Big Bad. Cast the one guy with acting chops in a supporting character role, and make him do ridiculous quasi-Anime things like building in having to make an X sign when using special weapons. And there you have it — The Cloth.
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Mock The Movie: Miami Connection transcript
Miami Connection pretty much hit the sweet spot for Mock The Movie mocking in every possible way. It included mediocre martial arts, ridiculous gore, 80s synth rock music, and a plot that almost sort of made sense if you overlooked the fact that a rock and roll band that knows Tae Kwon Do is the only thing stopping a group of ninjas from wresting control of all of Florida via cocaine distribution.
Oh, and did I mention that this is apparently a real band? Witness their 25-year reunion!
Transcript below the fold!
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Mock The Movie: Sol transcript
We watched Sol for Mock The Movie last night. I can’t remember what happened in the movie. I have a vague recollection of poor acting, tents and sand. I think I blocked the rest as a defense mechanism. There were more than a few times I simply got distracted from the movie — I’m not used to having commercials in my movies any more, so the Hulu experience was jarring, and I was determined to find out whether or not the music on the Absolut Vodka was done by Woodkid, the same guy who did a song called Iron which was used in the Assassin’s Creed: Revelations trailer.
Participation was thin, so I’m including as an extra bonus Blake Stacey’s solo watching of Prometheus, which was an unscheduled event but certainly better worth your time.
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Mock The Movie: Deep Blue Sea transcript
While updating the Mock The Movie page. I realized that I’d neglected to post the transcript for Deep Blue Sea. It’s a movie about sharks genetically engineered to be super-intelligent.
Get it? Like Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer?
Sigh. Too hip for the shark crowd, I guess.
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Mock The Movie: House of Evil transcript
This movie was obviously a labour of love — an attempt at true art, with lavish setpieces and expensive props at every turn. Or at least so I imagine, behind all the murky darkness we movie-watchers got to experience. Truly though, the experience of watching a mostly-black screen for an hour and a half was all worth it because of the brief glimpses we got of some absolutely epic muttonchops.
Visit the Mock The Movie page for transcripts shortly.
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Mock The Movie: Atlas Shrugged Part II transcript
In this movie: awful people being awful in order to destroy humanity for their personal profit. Also, wooden acting, and sadly enough, Robert Picardo.
And we still haven’t even gotten to John Galt’s damnable speech. They’re saving that up for parts 3 through 17, apparently.
I won’t lie. This wasn’t easy to mock. Not because it was too good, or because it was too bad — but because it was just fractally wrong and every scene made me want to scream “THAT ISN’T EVEN HOW REALITY WORKS”.
I’ll add it to the Mock The Movie page as soon as time allows.
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