Mock The Movie: Airplane Vs. Volcano transcript

Dean Cain, TV’s SuperClark, has a troubled past and an airplane full of people to save. He saves very few of them, and does very little to actually control the plane on autopilot, but is still treated as a goddamn hero for some reason. And he kisses Robin Givens. SIGH.

@szvan: Mock the Movie: Blowing Smoke Edition: @MockTM
2015-06-01 23:33:07
@lousycanuck: In 40 mins, @MockTM will bear witness to Dean Cain trying to save an airplane from a volcano. Or something. On Netflix!
2015-06-04 00:22:19
@pzmyers: @MockTM @lousycanuck How did Dean Cain become such a potent signifier of bad acting & tasteless movie making?
2015-06-04 00:55:55
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers @MockTM Even the B-list needs its own internal A-list.
2015-06-04 00:56:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM @lousycanuck B-list? That’s grade inflation. For shame.
2015-06-04 00:57:29
@pzmyers: @MockTM I may not say much unless the liquor kicks in. In considerable pain from an ear infection.
2015-06-04 00:58:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m thinking if I get my blood alcohol level high enough to sterilize bacteria, I’ll clear it right up.
2015-06-04 00:59:11
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers @MockTM Well I do hope the Asylum Films logo would do something to scare the bacteria into submission.
2015-06-04 01:00:09
@szvan: @MockTM The Asylum presents a flaming mess.
2015-06-04 01:00:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM The Asylum logo is only making the bacteria vomit.
2015-06-04 01:00:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Normal clouds, red filter, and Photoshop Effects. Off to the right start!
2015-06-04 01:00:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM Old geezer scientist. He’s doomed.
2015-06-04 01:01:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The islands are coming straight for him!
2015-06-04 01:02:20
@pzmyers: @MockTM His age and experience will make him agonizingly aware of his awful fate.
2015-06-04 01:02:24
@szvan: @MockTM I guess the job description should have said, “Able to outrun a volcano”?
2015-06-04 01:02:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Methinks someone pretending to be a screenwriter saw the phrase “ring of fire” associated with volcanos and took it too literally.
2015-06-04 01:03:29
@szvan: @MockTM Wow. They couldn’t even afford a full plane of soon-to-be corpses.
2015-06-04 01:03:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM AAAAH! An airplane! I’m already getting the heebie-jeebies.
2015-06-04 01:03:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Always good to get to know the nice people before Asylum kills them.
2015-06-04 01:05:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So when does the volcano get its wings? Maybe there’ll be a really cool aerial dogfight scene!
2015-06-04 01:05:34
@szvan: @MockTM I’d like to say that the dialogue is already terrible, but I don’t really get small talk.
2015-06-04 01:05:38
@CA7746: @MockTM One of our passengers is a dowser with a psychic connection to Earth’s crust.
2015-06-04 01:06:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Guy with a headache and fever is SECRETLY A VOLCANO
2015-06-04 01:06:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Um, isn’t autopilot dependent on there being things on the ground to guide it properly? Did the volcanos fake the signal!?
2015-06-04 01:08:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Everyone hang on!” “Okay, I think we all got that intuitively, have any NOVEL advice!?”
2015-06-04 01:09:08
@CA7746: @MockTM “Get on the radio.” *thud* “No, I mean TALK into the radio.”
2015-06-04 01:09:10
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why would the throttle be hard to push forward? This makes no sense.
2015-06-04 01:09:13
@szvan: @MockTM If you’re going to try to make using the airplane controls a tense event, shouldn’t you know how they work?
2015-06-04 01:09:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You can fly!?” “Yeah, one second, let me find a phone booth.”
2015-06-04 01:10:57
@pzmyers: @MockTM I feel like telling them that volcanoes are stationary, and they’re in a vehicle doing 400mph.

Would that be too obvious?
2015-06-04 01:11:00
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing they didn’t get a flight attendant with no training in handling emergencies.
2015-06-04 01:11:17
@CarlieP: @pzmyers @MockTM I couldn’t even read past the movie introduction without thinking that.
2015-06-04 01:11:37
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM The ring wasn’t even that big.
2015-06-04 01:11:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM By my calculation, with that shot, in about ten seconds they’ll be clear of the volcano. So of course autopilot is gonna circle.
2015-06-04 01:13:44
@pzmyers: @MockTM @szvan Are you mocking the sappy romantic guy’s choice of jewelry?
2015-06-04 01:14:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ever fly something this big?” “No. Usually fly solo.”
2015-06-04 01:14:40
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh. So it’s all TSA’s fault for creating a stupid autopilot.
2015-06-04 01:15:14
@szvan: @MockTM That thick ash cloud you already flew through once? That thick ash all over your windows?
2015-06-04 01:15:29
@szvan: @MockTM @pzmyers No point. He’s a dead man anyway.
2015-06-04 01:17:00
@CA7746: @MockTM “I’m the best that you have.” “God help us all.”
2015-06-04 01:17:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM Soldier man can fix everything by getting angry at it.
2015-06-04 01:17:36
@szvan: @MockTM Where is Jack O’Neill when you need someone to wave away the bad science explainery?
2015-06-04 01:17:48
2015-06-04 01:18:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Come on Clark, we know this airplane is made of cardboard to you.
2015-06-04 01:19:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM <Screams and howls> “Is everybody OK?” asks Dean Cain. Dumbass.
2015-06-04 01:20:10
@szvan: @MockTM Next compound fracture, try pulling.
2015-06-04 01:21:00
@DrRubidium: I’m late to @MockTM. Luckily, these aren’t the types of movies where missing 20 minutes actually matters.
2015-06-04 01:21:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I knew it, that guy’s in league with the volcano, look at him challenging authority at an inopportune moment!!
2015-06-04 01:22:00
@szvan: @MockTM Odds that the problem that destroys them all is not the volcanoes but the guy with the foreign accent?
2015-06-04 01:22:53
@DrRubidium: @MockTM 23 minutes in and the black guy still alive?! #notforlong
2015-06-04 01:23:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The clean-cut white guy challenging authority is heroic, but the foreign guy doing same is CLEARLY A TERRORIST THREAT
2015-06-04 01:23:44
@szvan: @MockTM “We need to hire an actor to play this military dude!” “Nah. We just need someone who can bark.”
2015-06-04 01:24:05
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Robin Givens is uttering some serious science mumbo-jumbo. But she looks fierce doing it.
2015-06-04 01:24:31
@pzmyers: @MockTM To get soldier guy into character, he’s imagining having debilitating jaw pain, while pretending he’s all out of whisky.
2015-06-04 01:24:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And this’ll work?” “Well, at least I’m keeping busy, not wandering around talking at people.”
2015-06-04 01:24:36
@szvan: @MockTM @DrRubidium He’s our secondary hero. He won’t go until the end, sacrificing himself for all of them.
2015-06-04 01:24:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Delta two one launching missiles — uh I mean probe…”
2015-06-04 01:25:25
@DrRubidium: @MockTM just a thought… why you know fly away from volcano? And why is that fucking guy so goddamn calm?!
2015-06-04 01:25:27
@pzmyers: @MockTM Fortunately, I have a full fifth here, so I’m resisting the urge to snarl ineffectually at all of you.
2015-06-04 01:25:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Control, the volcano is firing back!”
2015-06-04 01:25:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM 3 black actors?! 4?! This syfy movie is like peak blackness!
2015-06-04 01:26:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “the lighter the density”?! I just died. DIED.
2015-06-04 01:26:35
@CA7746: @MockTM What about everyone living on shore? PROBLEM SOLVED
2015-06-04 01:27:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM I sure hope those bikinis are flame retardant.
2015-06-04 01:27:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM white silver fox has the “pissed and concern” look. It’s his only look, but it’s a strong one.
2015-06-04 01:27:38
@szvan: @MockTM While we’re talking about density, shall we talk about heat density?
2015-06-04 01:27:55
@DrRubidium: @MockTM FYI, that’s not Hawaii. That’s Huntington Beach.
2015-06-04 01:28:21
@CA7746: @MockTM “A totally different switch, altogether.”
That’s our cue folks!: “A totally different switch.”
2015-06-04 01:28:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM 6 black actors?! #peakblackness
2015-06-04 01:29:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Reach in there and feel around blindly. But don’t touch anything. But find the thing we need to touch. *bzzt* Not that!”
2015-06-04 01:29:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t touch the sides! *BZZT* BUTTERFINGERS”
2015-06-04 01:29:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why doesn’t he do it? The plane is on inescapable autopilot, it’s not as if he’s doing anything.
2015-06-04 01:29:26
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Fuel into a a lava cloud? Problem, yes?
2015-06-04 01:30:44
@szvan: @MockTM It’s nice that the plane has rear-view mirrors.
2015-06-04 01:30:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Trying to pull off a Starburst Maneuver at a time like this, how very risky.
2015-06-04 01:31:23
@pzmyers: @MockTM “I minored in genius, but I majored in awesome.” Kill him. Kill him now.
2015-06-04 01:32:25
@szvan: @MockTM That child has never puked in his life.
2015-06-04 01:32:43
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this is a United flight, isn’t it? #theyretheworst
2015-06-04 01:33:11
@szvan: @MockTM Well, you know. It feels like a hole in my skin.
2015-06-04 01:33:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Time for a little mutinyyyyy!
2015-06-04 01:33:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Watch Rick. He’ll kill us all. Unlike me, who would have killed us all quicker.
2015-06-04 01:36:19
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this plane villain’s accent… he must have studied at the Dick van Dykes School of Foreign Sounding Characters
2015-06-04 01:37:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Still stuck in autopilot, but… you know. Sure. I could fly this plane. If it was flyable.
2015-06-04 01:37:44
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, hai. I’m going to menace you on the basis of the ravings of the cartoon villain.
2015-06-04 01:37:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM No, he can’t. It’s locked in autopilot. Why do they keep insisting on pilot skill?
2015-06-04 01:37:54
@pzmyers: @MockTM if he could fly the damn thing, he’d turn and fly 100 miles away from the stupid volcanoes.
2015-06-04 01:38:33
@szvan: @MockTM They’re lucky to be alive. We’re stuck watching this movie.
2015-06-04 01:39:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The probability… is unlikely. It is unlikely that I can give anything resembling an actual probability.
2015-06-04 01:40:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “…any thoughts?” “… WHAT. NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. You guys are fucked!”
2015-06-04 01:41:21
@szvan: @MockTM “Uh…roger that.”

Most realistic dialogue so far.
2015-06-04 01:41:31
@DrRubidium: @MockTM 10k feet? Um, why you no at 35k feet?
2015-06-04 01:42:33
@szvan: @MockTM “The crust can only take so much [release of] pressure.”
2015-06-04 01:43:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Time for another mutinyyyyy?
2015-06-04 01:43:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM The whisky is working. I don’t care what happens to these people.

Wait. I didn’t care before I started drinking.
2015-06-04 01:45:24
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Imma just head out there and unclog this thing.” #whatchoicedowehave
2015-06-04 01:45:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A man. A hammer. Some seatbelts. A plan.
2015-06-04 01:46:28
@pzmyers: @MockTM He’s going to…go OUT…and fix an engine that sucked up a flaming rock?

More alcohol.
2015-06-04 01:46:29
@szvan: @MockTM Honey, crying in his face isn’t going to make his job any easier.
2015-06-04 01:46:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Could we, like, anchor Super Mario instead of using humans to pull him?
2015-06-04 01:47:41
@szvan: @MockTM They tied the oxygen feed tubes together to make one long one too.
2015-06-04 01:48:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM The plane has got to be doing at least 200mph. His mask is held on with a little strip of elastic. This makes no sense.
2015-06-04 01:49:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look, we’re gonna need you to go back out there and install a second engine.”
2015-06-04 01:49:44
@szvan: @MockTM I’m not supposed to be laughing right now.
2015-06-04 01:49:47
@CA7746: @MockTM Surrounded by volcanoes,
and dropped into a jet engine,
because a seat belt unbuckled itself.

Just like the gypsy woman said!
2015-06-04 01:49:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah so maybe seatbelts weren’t the most OSHA-safe tether.
2015-06-04 01:50:15
@szvan: @MockTM @pzmyers I told you he was a deader.
2015-06-04 01:50:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Great, now we gotta dangle someone ELSE to get Frank out.
2015-06-04 01:50:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM War. War never changes. Not even against volcanos.
2015-06-04 01:51:35
@szvan: @MockTM That’s it, dude. Point your gun at the flaming rocks.
2015-06-04 01:51:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well at least there’s no danger of falling out the back of the luggage compartment due to depressurization.
2015-06-04 01:52:14
@szvan: @MockTM And our intrepid military hero down below is brained by a stray suitcase.
2015-06-04 01:52:28
@pzmyers: @MockTM So that’s what happens to my luggage on every flight.
2015-06-04 01:52:40
@szvan: @MockTM Throw out the guy from a non-specific, non-Western_European country. He’s a weight on the movie.
2015-06-04 01:53:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Impressive, she just tackled him two car lengths away from that exploding car.
2015-06-04 01:53:28
@Nezchan: @lousycanuck @szvan @MockTM “Why, sometimes I’d like to take a switchblade and a peppermint and a Cadillac and throw it all in a fire.”
2015-06-04 01:54:01
@CA7746: @MockTM “What could I get rid of? Something useless we don’t need anymore…” What Indeed.
2015-06-04 01:54:15
@szvan: @MockTM Maybe they should have done an animation of one of those rocks flying *up* toward the plane.
2015-06-04 01:54:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They’re gonna slingshot around the volcano to gain altitude!
2015-06-04 01:55:00
@CA7746: @MockTM What would Riker want with a vulcanologist. Pon farr?
2015-06-04 01:55:28
@szvan: @MockTM “Roger, control. Can you see the dick pic?”
2015-06-04 01:57:17
@szvan: @MockTM What? No seatbelts?
2015-06-04 01:58:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Bravo 2 5, you forgot to tell me what the package looked like. What are we collecting again? Luggage or something?”
2015-06-04 01:58:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re gonna be all right.” *shove*
2015-06-04 01:58:36
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s okay, just knock off the other wing, and you’ll be balanced again.
2015-06-04 01:59:15
@szvan: @MockTM You know, I don’t disagree with Riker, but he’s still not selling me on it.
2015-06-04 02:00:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “If you have something to say to someone, feel free.” “ME ME FIRST. Okay. FUCK YOU, VOLCANO. Next?”
2015-06-04 02:01:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh noes! Now the military knows that the people on the plane are people! Now they can’t just be negligent!!!
2015-06-04 02:02:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well, can’t deny that lady her wish to die and see her husband. Let’s shoot the plane down.”
2015-06-04 02:04:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM Aargh. Treacly, badly-written dialog. This is a disaster.
2015-06-04 02:04:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Back to your post, specialist. The attractive-voiced young lady has moved me to forgive your gross misconduct.”
2015-06-04 02:06:00
@CA7746: @MockTM Alright, you got me. I’ve known what to do all along. You finally convinced me to risk your lives.
2015-06-04 02:06:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’re all gonna make it through this. Well, except me. I HAVE to die.”
2015-06-04 02:06:34
@pzmyers: @MockTM Well, except for the pilots. And Frank. The people who died on the rescue plane.
2015-06-04 02:07:07
@szvan: @MockTM @pzmyers And the survey helicopter.
2015-06-04 02:07:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We can beat this volcano if we all work together! Though, most of you have nothing to do.
2015-06-04 02:07:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM and the scientist guy at the beginning. And all the people on the beach.
2015-06-04 02:08:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What, asking the military to shoot something and they express skepticism? Sorry, suspension of disbelief ended.
2015-06-04 02:08:13
@szvan: @MockTM “Soldier, my career is over. I don’t care about living anymore.”
2015-06-04 02:08:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We got a guy named Maverick and someone else named Ice Man wanting to fly this prop plane thing.”
2015-06-04 02:09:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM Prop-driven planes are unaffected by ash or hot flying rocks? Who knew?
2015-06-04 02:09:18
@CA7746: @MockTM We’re gonna parachute into boiling water! Hooray!
2015-06-04 02:09:34
@szvan: @MockTM See @DrRubidium? Movie must be near its end.
2015-06-04 02:11:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Chekov’s Gun has finally gone off. Shoulda just let the guy paraglide into the volcano alone.
2015-06-04 02:11:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Air Marshal Badge of Power found a new owner and one seven-year-old is now suddenly thrust into a new career.
2015-06-04 02:13:44
@pzmyers: @MockTM Kid can’t vomit convincingly, can’t cry either.
2015-06-04 02:14:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Okay Red Squadron, stay on target, fly through the trench and bulls-eye the exhaust port. Let’s blow this thing and go home.”
2015-06-04 02:14:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I don’t think the Red Wings have the shooting record to make these kinds of power plays.
2015-06-04 02:15:20
@pzmyers: @MockTM when Eyjafjallajökull erupted, how come the air force didn’t just shoot the volcanoes?
2015-06-04 02:15:42
@szvan: @MockTM I may be too Minnesotan here, but I keep wondering why they’d call themselves the flying moccasins.
2015-06-04 02:15:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The volcano is dogfighting with it!? How is anything on their six??
2015-06-04 02:16:04
@CA7746: @MockTM PEW PEW PEW! Oh explosives!
2015-06-04 02:16:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM DO A BARREL ROLL
2015-06-04 02:16:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dun-dun. Dun-dun. Do-de-looooo!!!
2015-06-04 02:17:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We now pause for the requisite dramatic moment wherein a hero uses a gendered slur for no reason.
2015-06-04 02:18:36
@szvan: @MockTM Someone should have listened to the flight safety instructions.
2015-06-04 02:18:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Wheee! I mean arrgh!
2015-06-04 02:18:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The motorcycle helmets are a nice touch.
2015-06-04 02:19:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM Amazing how all the passengers with no lines get sucked into the volcano at the last minute.
2015-06-04 02:20:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM SHOTS FIRED
2015-06-04 02:20:34
@CA7746: @MockTM Kryptonite must be igneous.
2015-06-04 02:20:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM if the stewardess doesn’t get off, this movie will have a 100% black kill rate.
2015-06-04 02:22:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Make with the hurrying.
2015-06-04 02:22:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Conveniently the autopilot knows where the center of the volcano is.
2015-06-04 02:22:53
@szvan: @MockTM “You have to hit the center of the volcano despite your autopilot. We thought it was a great plan.”
2015-06-04 02:23:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM You have to crash this plane loaded with explosives into a volcano. GOOD LUCK!
2015-06-04 02:23:33
@CA7746: @MockTM My jaw’s hanging open too. Just not from shock.
2015-06-04 02:24:17
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing that autopilot has no collision-detection system built in.
2015-06-04 02:24:22
2015-06-04 02:24:28
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wouldn’t a cruise missile have more than 200lbs of explosives in it?
2015-06-04 02:25:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, thank you, Sargeant.” “No no, thank YOU, Admiral.” “NO, thank YOU, Sky Pirate Captain”
2015-06-04 02:26:12
@CA7746: @MockTM “I’ll never forget him.” “Who?”
2015-06-04 02:26:26
@CA7746: @MockTM Well, I can’t wait for the sequel.
Soyuz vs Waterfall
2015-06-04 02:26:51
@szvan: @MockTM “I was pretty sure this traumatic series of events was just going to disappear from my memory, but then Rick died.”
2015-06-04 02:26:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM AIRPLANE WINS. FATALITY.
2015-06-04 02:27:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I learned nothing. I cared about less.
2015-06-04 02:29:08
@szvan: @MockTM It’s fascinating to realize that The Asylum knows every bit as much about filmmaking as they do about the military. And science.
2015-06-04 02:29:19
@szvan: @MockTM And people.
2015-06-04 02:29:29
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yeah, but good news, everyone! I was driven to drink so much alcohol my face is numb! Yaaaaaaay!
2015-06-04 02:33:13
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM For future reference, I recommend antibiotics over anything from The Asylum.
2015-06-04 02:35:22
@pzmyers: @MockTM @szvan But…but…The Asylum also kills your soul and stops you from caring. Antibiotics can’t do that.
2015-06-04 02:36:25
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM Well, there’s your problem. The Asylum has convinced you you have a soul. Have you been watching Faith Films again?
2015-06-04 02:39:17
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM Or more realistically, did they try for godless propaganda and make it terribly unconvincing?
2015-06-04 02:39:58

Mock The Movie: Airplane Vs. Volcano transcript