Mock The Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles transcript

Fuck you, Michael Bay.

Just, fuck you.

@lousycanuck: I like turtles. I like Ninja Turtles. Not a big fan of Michael Bay. Still not expecting much from this movie except pain. @MockTM
2015-06-18 00:37:22
@JlnFrancisco: @lousycanuck @MockTM have faith. wait no the other thing. abandon all hope. that one
2015-06-18 00:40:16
@shitebag_: @lousycanuck @MockTM worst thing to happen to turtles since Cannibal Holocaust
2015-06-18 00:47:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Paramount’s stars are getting more and more daring every sortie, skimming the lake like that.
2015-06-18 01:00:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM Brought to you by the people who tried to squash LEGEND OF KORRA
2015-06-18 01:00:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Bwooooooooooo.
2015-06-18 01:00:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM Platinum Dunces is proud to present….
2015-06-18 01:00:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Teenage Mutant NINfamous
2015-06-18 01:01:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM You know, this is a movie based on a cartoon my children watched, not me.
2015-06-18 01:01:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM Eyes focus, elbows locked, bowels clenched!
2015-06-18 01:01:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Eyes focused. Elbows locked. Colons cleansed.
2015-06-18 01:01:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fuck you, fruit!
2015-06-18 01:01:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Fruit Ninja Turtles
2015-06-18 01:01:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM You must remain below, especially in a post-Giuliani New York
2015-06-18 01:02:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fuck you, obsolete storage media!
2015-06-18 01:02:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You’re going to be responsible for amazing things. Except Mike. He’s going to be responsible for a lot of pizza calls at 4am.
2015-06-18 01:02:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM The camera is shakin’ like the bridge of the Enterprise
2015-06-18 01:02:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Enter Matt Murdock
2015-06-18 01:03:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Stick to what you’re good at, which is doing girl things like bouncing on a trampoline
2015-06-18 01:04:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Picture a sexy seagull.” Uh. OK. Then.
2015-06-18 01:04:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Froth?” “You know, like santorum.”
2015-06-18 01:04:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Verne is no less gross than in the cartoons, but he’s added sexual harassment to his repertoire of assholery
2015-06-18 01:05:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That bass drop always portends aliens or doomsday devices
2015-06-18 01:06:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m at the docks, and I’m lit like a nightclub!”
2015-06-18 01:06:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dammit, I can’t get enough person-signal to get pictures of those people.”
2015-06-18 01:07:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM Uh, movie? You already spoiled that they’re mutant ninja turtles. Why by shy now?
2015-06-18 01:07:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Ooh, can we go the entire movie without seeing the turtles clearly?
2015-06-18 01:08:12
@CA7746: @MockTM “There is a vigilante in this city.” Ooh, a TMNT-Arrow crosover? … Aw, that’s TMNT2.
2015-06-18 01:08:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CA7746 Teenage Mutant Cloverfield
2015-06-18 01:08:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM Truly a Michael Bay movie. I have no idea what’s going on in this fight scene, & vehicles are flying around.
2015-06-18 01:09:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, come on, Superman is the wrong franchise. Jeez.”
2015-06-18 01:10:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM Lead with the implausible part. Good plan.
2015-06-18 01:10:25
@pzmyers: @MockTM “What?” That’s my line.
2015-06-18 01:10:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is nothing.” “HEY. A little cultural sensitivity. That’s Kanji.”
2015-06-18 01:10:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “This is nothing. This is a tattoo you’d see on a white guy.”
2015-06-18 01:10:55
@CA7746: @MockTM We can’t put *nothing* on the air. This is the nightly news, not CNN!
2015-06-18 01:10:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He thinks it means SILENT STRENGTH, but it really says KITTEN BARF, you know?”
2015-06-18 01:11:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM Bald of Evil! Sweat of Unappealing!
2015-06-18 01:12:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We’ve never seen an enemy like this! They’re not human! They’re computer-generated!”
2015-06-18 01:12:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’ve never seen an enemy like this. Their size. Their strength. Their stacks of pizza.”
2015-06-18 01:13:01
@CA7746: @MockTM Capture the vigilante. Use innocent people as bait. Kick a dog if you have to.
2015-06-18 01:13:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The NYPD’s top benefactor, Eric Satz!” “Hi! I’m obviously not evil!”
2015-06-18 01:13:50
@CA7746: @MockTM They set my lab on fire. Then they stole the ashes.
2015-06-18 01:14:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM Those are some deep green eyes. Deep, vacant green eyes.
2015-06-18 01:14:39
@CA7746: @MockTM Wherever there’s a flame, I’ll be there. Burglars will remain at large.
2015-06-18 01:14:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Whenever someone takes flame to this city, I’ll be there to piss the fire out. I’M NOT EVIL”
2015-06-18 01:14:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Your words really resonated with me. Especially the sax sax sax.
2015-06-18 01:15:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re doing a very good job bouncing on trampolines.”
2015-06-18 01:15:26
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM wink wink nudge nudge say no more
2015-06-18 01:15:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Suddenly we’re in World War T
2015-06-18 01:16:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Shit! It’s Godzilla!”
2015-06-18 01:16:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Focus Mike
2015-06-18 01:16:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM Again, movie: we know they’re ninja turtles. You showed them to us.
2015-06-18 01:17:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, there’s Max Cohen, poking at a brain.
2015-06-18 01:17:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Inconspicuousness level: April O’Neill in a yellow jacket
2015-06-18 01:17:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What? I’m just taking selfies.” #attackedbyfootclan
2015-06-18 01:18:42
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, good. I got home in time for maximum motion sickness.
2015-06-18 01:19:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM These guys better explode, or else the Ninja Turtles are guilty of at least three murders.
2015-06-18 01:19:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, that was convenient. Good thing plot points are magnetically attracted to her.
2015-06-18 01:19:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM How did they tie up the bad guys so fast?

TMNT are into kinbaku?
2015-06-18 01:20:03
@szvan: @MockTM Completely unseen. Kinda noisy, though.
2015-06-18 01:20:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Completely unseen except by that girl that I guess we have to kill now or something. Drat.”
2015-06-18 01:20:36
@szvan: @MockTM I mean, ninjas, you know?
2015-06-18 01:20:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew
2015-06-18 01:21:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Agh, gross, “I can feel my shell tightening”. Seriously?
2015-06-18 01:21:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM I can’t tell what they look more: fake or ugly.
2015-06-18 01:22:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We will find you, “In Case of Emergency.””
2015-06-18 01:23:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s not a sewer. That’s the septic system for Wonka’s chocolate factory.
2015-06-18 01:24:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, the Three Stooges routine, PLUS fart joke. So glad all of THAT is canon!
2015-06-18 01:24:50
@szvan: @MockTM So the makers of this movie didn’t actually settle on a target age, did they?
2015-06-18 01:24:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The TCRI mutagen is supposed to be from outer space now? Augh.
2015-06-18 01:25:41
@CA7746: @MockTM Soo, the turtles have symbiotes, right?
2015-06-18 01:26:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM And the flatmate speaks for the audience.
2015-06-18 01:26:38
@szvan: @MockTM As you know, Bob, following the background of this well-known premise requires the characters to explain what we just saw.
2015-06-18 01:26:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, we get it that Donatello is the smart one. The made up statistics are browbeating the audience at this point.
2015-06-18 01:26:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh fuck you, movie
2015-06-18 01:27:00
@szvan: @MockTM On behalf of teenage boys everywhere of any species, mutant or not, this movie can go to hell.
2015-06-18 01:27:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM More of beating the turtles up, please, movie
2015-06-18 01:28:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No. They don’t. Ninjas don’t do Karate. They do ninjitsu. You’re fired, April.
2015-06-18 01:30:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM Uh, what about the picture? The photo she actually took? With her camera? On her phone?
2015-06-18 01:30:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM I do like seeing them suffer.
2015-06-18 01:31:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey Don wiped it. Because he was the only one who knows that a phone isn’t a shuriken.
2015-06-18 01:32:05
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM She took a picture after they left.
2015-06-18 01:32:30
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a little sad that his worst fear wasn’t appearing in this movie.
2015-06-18 01:33:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Find the girl!” “Right! Eat the pizza!” “THE GIRL” “PIZZAAAA”
2015-06-18 01:33:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Please tell me everything you know about Project Mutate Some Turtles And Also A Rat”
2015-06-18 01:35:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM YES, THAT PICTURE.
2015-06-18 01:35:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The picture Don didn’t wipe? What? She had that and didn’t show it to her boss!?
2015-06-18 01:35:35
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, good. She finally remembered the picture.
2015-06-18 01:35:35
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM AUGH
2015-06-18 01:35:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I HATE THIS MOVIE
2015-06-18 01:36:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And one day, a hero rose. A ronin rabbit: Usagi Yojimbo”
2015-06-18 01:36:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM The Philosopher’s Stone!
2015-06-18 01:36:32
@szvan: @MockTM Is he supposed to look like Krauss?
2015-06-18 01:36:40
@blakestacey: @szvan @MockTM Like how the villain in ROAD HOUSE looks like Michael Shermer.
2015-06-18 01:37:08
@CA7746: @MockTM The mutagen is a cure-all. The gigantism, abnormal speech, and super strength were, uh, sideeffects.
2015-06-18 01:37:18
@pzmyers: @MockTM I just want to say: MUTAGENS ARE BAD. Also, MUTAGENS ARE EASY. I’ve got lots in my lab.
2015-06-18 01:37:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now we can mutate a rhino and a hedgehog too. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. Oh, and something something cure-all.”
2015-06-18 01:37:44
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM O_O I’m so glad it’s not possible to ruin that movie.
2015-06-18 01:38:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey! Remember me? Donatello.” “Otacon?” “DONATELLO”
2015-06-18 01:38:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM While we’re referring to better movies, where did Donatello get all those nice toys?
2015-06-18 01:39:21
@CA7746: @MockTM “Splinter, what a big nose you have.” “The better to… recognize your face?”
2015-06-18 01:39:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM NOW she thinks “this is crazy”?
2015-06-18 01:40:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I keep telling you, Shredder. I don’t speak Spanish.”
2015-06-18 01:40:36
@CA7746: @MockTM Hello, I’m Adrian Monk. Welcome to my sewer.
2015-06-18 01:41:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM He didn’t plan his roaring rampage of arson very well, did he?
2015-06-18 01:42:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wow, and I forgot these traumatic events and the specific Renaissance names I gave the turtles until NOW? How perfectly plausible!”
2015-06-18 01:43:15
@szvan: @MockTM Ridiculed? But why?
2015-06-18 01:44:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Correct: they will be ridiculed for liking Gwen Stefani.
2015-06-18 01:44:06
@CA7746: @MockTM Luckily someone dropped swords down a storm drain.
2015-06-18 01:45:19
@szvan: @MockTM But bad martial arts movies most of all.
2015-06-18 01:45:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They lived and breathed all things martial arts and also pepperoni
2015-06-18 01:45:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM I didn’t think you could get less plausible than “pet rat copying its owner’s ninjitsu moves”. Well played, movie.
2015-06-18 01:45:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: the movie that dares to ask, can katanas *not* make a something awesome?
2015-06-18 01:46:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM Answer: Yes. It is possible to have a thing that katanas do not make awesome.
2015-06-18 01:46:32
@pzmyers: @MockTM Nothing implausible about it. I learned molecular biology from one children’s picture book. Little known fact.
2015-06-18 01:46:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh fuck you movie
2015-06-18 01:46:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Girlfriend? Dude. Gross. I know what a turtle penis looks like.”
2015-06-18 01:46:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM Dun dun dun DUN DUN
2015-06-18 01:47:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Evil Sax is better than no Sax at all
2015-06-18 01:47:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM “His soul has been poisoned by the influence of a dark master. And daytime TV.”
2015-06-18 01:47:55
@CA7746: @MockTM We are ethically obligated to withold a cure-all from the world.
2015-06-18 01:48:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Foot Clan are an awful lot like SWAT aren’t they?
2015-06-18 01:48:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM They can build just enough implausible tech to detect a perimeter breach but not to do anything about it.
2015-06-18 01:49:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’ll admit, I’d play a Batman engine game starring Ninja Turtles
2015-06-18 01:49:43
@CA7746: @MockTM The tail’s prehensile. Maybe Splinter’s an opossum.
2015-06-18 01:50:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM Dun dun dun DUN DUN [repeat chorus]
2015-06-18 01:50:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Shredder’s left arm looks like my pocket knife multitool.

Oh, so does his right one. Okay.
2015-06-18 01:51:16
@szvan: @MockTM Well, at least the lighting is bad.
2015-06-18 01:51:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Dammit, @saladinahmed just tweeted a pic from #Korra, reminding that much better things exist than this movie.
2015-06-18 01:52:44
@CA7746: @MockTM Shredder has a foe in hand, a hand with *blades* all over it. Naturally he throws the rat across the room.
2015-06-18 01:53:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sensei in the refridgerator time.
2015-06-18 01:53:36
@CA7746: @MockTM A punch!? “Shredder” is only capable of bludgeoning damage.
2015-06-18 01:54:16
@szvan: @MockTM Well, he was a rat. He’s long outlived his natural lifespan.
2015-06-18 01:55:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That NYC button. You know, I was just thinking that what the Ninja Turtles’ outfits needed was more flair.
2015-06-18 01:55:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM Isn’t Splinter also full of the mutagen? Shouldn’t he be trying to keep him alive, too?
2015-06-18 01:55:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh great, the only turtle left is the unstable Duke Nukem one.
2015-06-18 01:56:34
@CA7746: @MockTM Needle room? Presumably, Splinter gets acupuncture-resuscitation in a deleted scene.
2015-06-18 01:57:27
@szvan: @MockTM Yeah, that would probably kill them.
2015-06-18 01:57:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, generally, bleeding something completely dry DOES, quite often, kill them.
2015-06-18 01:58:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM HE PUT ON A TRILBY
2015-06-18 01:59:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Whoops, sorry, my attention wandered away from the movie. I was distracted by, well, anything else really.
2015-06-18 01:59:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is like that scene in ET only minus any pathos
2015-06-18 02:00:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM Weren’t these turtles flipping over shipping containers at the beginning of the movie?
2015-06-18 02:01:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, can you imagine a mutant samurai rabbit? *coughusagiyojimbocough*
2015-06-18 02:01:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM And now they’re being held in place by…bungee cords?
2015-06-18 02:01:32
@CA7746: @MockTM We’ll cure the city… and create a race of giants!
2015-06-18 02:03:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And I’m going to be rich. Like, stupid rich. Er. Rich-er.”
2015-06-18 02:03:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I thought about, you know, doing that. Becoming a turtle. You know. Tried wearing a shell for like ten days.”
2015-06-18 02:03:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Channel 6 Reinforced News Van
2015-06-18 02:03:33
@szvan: @MockTM Aww, did they crack the window?
2015-06-18 02:03:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Raph, don’t lead the squishies into combat, they don’t know shit.
2015-06-18 02:03:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Raph can take Shredder because, you know, you use different moves in a group. Like when he’s battling gangs for local charities.
2015-06-18 02:05:11
@szvan: @MockTM You know, cleaning his dirty blood off the floor is probably not your goal here.
2015-06-18 02:05:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They have a big button to inject adrenaline in the turtles. That seems a really, really bad idea.
2015-06-18 02:06:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Annnd they’re all dead. Nice going April!
2015-06-18 02:06:25
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, now the glass is glass again.
2015-06-18 02:06:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Adrenaline acts like caffeine, apparently.
2015-06-18 02:07:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Donnie, your equipment isn’t bulletproof.
2015-06-18 02:08:03
@szvan: @MockTM Less yelling. More getting where you need to be.
2015-06-18 02:08:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Verne tries to hotwire a car. @BenZvan: “Is this a Michael Bay movie?”
2015-06-18 02:09:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM I can’t tell what is going on and I don’t care about any of it. Oh, and holograms.
2015-06-18 02:10:50
@CA7746: @MockTM I don’t suppose their cold blood is gonna be a problem there in the snow.
2015-06-18 02:11:05
@szvan: @MockTM I’m not sure what he’s supposed to be cutting, but those blades sure *sound* pretty.
2015-06-18 02:11:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM While the incomprehensible action is going on, let’s have a little chat.
2015-06-18 02:11:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He’s always wanted to try pole-vaulting a car that’s driving down a snow-covered incline? Snort-worthy I guess.
2015-06-18 02:12:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM You’d think rocket-skateboards and holographic displays would be covered by the suspension of disbelief…
2015-06-18 02:12:26
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM And yet.
2015-06-18 02:12:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM …granted to a story about teenage mutant ninja turtles in the first place. However:
2015-06-18 02:12:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM At this point it’s CG for CG’s own sake
2015-06-18 02:13:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM instead, it just makes one wonder, if they can do all these things, why not other stuff, too?
2015-06-18 02:13:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why don’t they have lasers and jetpacks?
2015-06-18 02:13:37
@szvan: @MockTM It’s been four seconds. I’m disappointed.
2015-06-18 02:14:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The turtle equivalent of a Speedball Special
2015-06-18 02:14:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I have no idea what happened in that long action sequence but I still doubt they made it back to NY in 15 mins.
2015-06-18 02:15:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why not have them fly over a lava pit, while you’re at it?
2015-06-18 02:16:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look, something bad’s obviously happening now. Bad and sciencey. I can tell by the science junk.
2015-06-18 02:17:11
@CA7746: @MockTM Shredder’s armor doubles as a biohazard suit. Or re just really really likes wearing it.
2015-06-18 02:18:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I am sorry, my childhood, for laughing at the elevator Stomp scene despite myself.
2015-06-18 02:18:52
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM It’s easily the best scene in the movie so far.
2015-06-18 02:19:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM 10-10 means “debris falling from THE building?” Huh.
2015-06-18 02:19:37
@CA7746: @MockTM Shredder whips out a double-bladed sword… and drops it for blunt nunchucks.
2015-06-18 02:19:58
2015-06-18 02:20:16
@DrMathochist: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM the bar is low; start limboing.
2015-06-18 02:20:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shit! He spilled the science!
2015-06-18 02:20:20
@szvan: @MockTM Halon is not the best choice when you’re the one crouching.
2015-06-18 02:20:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hello. My name is April O’Neill. You killed my father. Prepare for more expository dialogue.”
2015-06-18 02:21:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM Was that supposed to be a character-arc moment?
2015-06-18 02:22:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Buck-Buck is the gun on the wall for the movie? Really.
2015-06-18 02:22:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, granted, the alternative for gun on the wall was Gwen Stefani. Okay. Buck-Buck it is.
2015-06-18 02:23:08
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing Shredder finally forgot how to block.
2015-06-18 02:23:30
@CA7746: @MockTM Kicks! My only weakness!
2015-06-18 02:23:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Cowabunga, motherfucker.”
2015-06-18 02:23:45
@CA7746: @MockTM No one’s used this code in 15 years… It’s a BeOS system. I know this!
2015-06-18 02:24:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM [nocks Shredder off the roof] “Told you I wasn’t a hollaback girl.”
2015-06-18 02:24:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Jesus, Don. You are dead to me if you can’t handle a simple CLI.
2015-06-18 02:24:30
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, I see. They only cut things when not attached to his hands.
2015-06-18 02:25:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM I thought he built all their tech from junk? Wasn’t that the implication?
2015-06-18 02:26:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM So wouldn’t he be the master of obsolete technology?
2015-06-18 02:26:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh, I see, you really REALLY want this Lime Kool-Aid, huh? Come get it and ignore the Macguffin.”
2015-06-18 02:26:22
@szvan: @MockTM April floats?
2015-06-18 02:26:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM And why would Shredder use obsolete, antiquated equipment for releasing the toxin over the city?
2015-06-18 02:26:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Come on guys, let’s all of us three hundred pound turtles jump onto the precariously balanced girders!”
2015-06-18 02:27:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM He doesn’t have to use the *exact same* machine he planned to use fifteen years before, does he?
2015-06-18 02:27:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shouldn’t the joke be that the modern technology is too *new* for Donnie to understand?
2015-06-18 02:27:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM April gets the kill XP.
2015-06-18 02:27:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mike: NOBODY understood the ending to Lost.
2015-06-18 02:28:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Splat. Splat now. Please.
2015-06-18 02:29:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Did the cut on his lip change sides?
2015-06-18 02:29:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Splinter’s been pinned under rubble the whole time.
2015-06-18 02:30:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC
2015-06-18 02:30:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Turtle Van is now just a regular van with a bunch of spraypaint. Yeah okay.
2015-06-18 02:32:30
2015-06-18 02:32:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh fuck you movie
2015-06-18 02:34:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They disguised themselves… however briefly… as boobs. Think on that, movie viewers. Think on that.
2015-06-18 02:35:02
@CA7746: @MockTM At least they didn’t drag Krang into this.
2015-06-18 02:35:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sleaze is to this movie as beetles are to God: from the evidence, one can only deduce an inordinate fondness.
2015-06-18 02:35:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I just want… I want to sigh. Forever. One long, existential, infinite sigh.
2015-06-18 02:36:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM The best thing I can say about TMNT’14 is that its thoroughgoing mediocrity forbade a strong emotional response.
2015-06-18 02:37:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Actually, the “snow unit” just provided a lot of cocaine
2015-06-18 02:38:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is what happens when someone whose oeuvre is action movies is asked to make something that appeals to kids. Worthless nonsense.
2015-06-18 02:38:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Every character was the barest shadow of their original comic self. Depended on the very nostalgia that would turn us against them.
2015-06-18 02:40:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Depending on nostalgia and knowledge of the history of the characters means everything you do is out of character. Everything.
2015-06-18 02:41:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m going to delete this from my media server. I’m considering also setting the media server afire afterward.
2015-06-18 02:41:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sad thing is, movies these days could *use* a send-up of GrimGritDark “Realistic” Superheroes.
2015-06-18 02:41:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Like a story about tiny, slow-moving, harmless animals becoming martial-arts masters through mad science. E.g.
2015-06-18 02:42:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM TMNT was a parody, originally, of Daredevil, among other superhero tropes. It was dark but also absurd. This… was just bland.
2015-06-18 02:43:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sing the song with “Teenage Cyborg Kung-Fu Gerbils” instead to see the concept afresh.
2015-06-18 02:44:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You only had self-aware absurdity, which is great if played for comedy, but this was trying so hard for action.
2015-06-18 02:44:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And there’s going to be a TMNT 2, starring Stephen Amell as Casey Jones, the sports-based human hero. I just… sigh. Existentially.
2015-06-18 02:46:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Promise me. Promise me, mockers, that you will back me up for TMNT 2. Please. I need this.
2015-06-18 02:47:08
@Misantropey: @MockTM Am I missing another one of these? Damn. Oh…it’s TMNT.
2015-06-18 02:47:13
@lousycanuck: I think it’s time for a bath, to scrub the filth that is TMNT 2014 off of me. @MockTM
2015-06-18 02:55:43
@lousycanuck: Yes. A bath, and all the Steven Universe I can watch in that time. That is how I recover from TMNT. @MockTM
2015-06-18 02:56:49

Mock The Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles transcript