GGC 2015: #DIYSciZone: AoW: Mock The Movie Overtime: Crossroads Transcript: LOTSA COLONS EDITION

We’re raising funds again for Geek Girl Con’s DIY Science Zone, where last year I taught kids about randomness, and had a neat graph making program and everything. This year, I’ll be doing a demonstration on displacement, buoyancy and surface tension, involving tin foil boats and gummy fish. And I won’t even be eating all the fish myself!

But before I can get there, we need to raise funds for the materials. So, we’re, as usual, doing Acts of Whimsey, which means doing ridiculous things when we reach certain goals. Because we hit $500 of our required $6000 almost instantly, my first Act of Whimsey is doing a live-mocking, solo, of Crossroads. The 2002 Britney Spears vehicle, not the Ralph Macchio film, sadly.

(Well, mostly solo — our Mysterious Stranger CA7746 helped with a few kill shots from the sidelines!)

@lousycanuck: In order to keep my #diyscifilm out of Twitter/FB streams, I’ll be doing Britney Spears’ Crossroads 8pm CT using @MockTM . Follow to watch!
2015-07-25 23:12:45
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM I’d love to mock you mocking that, but I’ll be watching Lavalantula.
2015-07-25 23:31:39
@lousycanuck: @ImprobableJoe @MockTM You do you 🙂
2015-07-25 23:41:53
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM It’s a Police Academy reunion!
2015-07-25 23:43:19
@lousycanuck: @ImprobableJoe @MockTM Okay, I guess I’ll need to see it to, eventually!
2015-07-25 23:46:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *tap tap* This thing on? Ahem. Testing my scrape bot.
2015-07-26 00:09:51
@lousycanuck: Am I ready to mock Crossroads starting in 15 mins @MockTM ? Good question. Can anyone ever TRULY be considered ready? But I will plow on.
2015-07-26 00:47:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And I press play, in earnest. Let’s do this. Bring it, movie.
2015-07-26 01:00:32
@CA7746: @MockTM Giggling little girls bury a box under the full moon. Horror flick?
2015-07-26 01:01:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Zomba Films. You can do anything at ZombaFilms. Anything at all.
2015-07-26 01:01:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We begin with… young children digging a grave?
2015-07-26 01:01:59
@CA7746: @MockTM You wished to be best friends forever. Of course it hasn’t come true yet.
2015-07-26 01:02:33
@CA7746: @MockTM Pantie dancing. Yes, definitely a horror flick.
2015-07-26 01:02:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Mimi, Kit and I knew exactly what we wanted out of life. To bury our dreams.” Preparing for a capitalist patriarchy, I take it.
2015-07-26 01:02:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We’re in the male gaze fanservice part of the movie ALREADY!?
2015-07-26 01:04:14
@CA7746: @MockTM Sigh. That means she’s gonna survive. On the plus side, the virgin-shamer’s doomed.
2015-07-26 01:04:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh no. Dan Akyroyd. How the mighty have fallen!
2015-07-26 01:04:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lucy is the valedictorian. There goes any plausible deniability right out the window already.
2015-07-26 01:06:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Not plausible deniability. Suspension of disbelief. I lost plausible deniability when I admitted publicly I would watch this film
2015-07-26 01:07:54
@DrRubidium: Thx u, #DIYscizone donors! Because of you, @lousycanuck has to watch ‘Crossroads’ staring Britney Spears. Follow @MockTM for his live-tweet
2015-07-26 01:08:04
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM LOL
2015-07-26 01:08:24
@r343l: @DrRubidium @lousycanuck @MockTM Wikipedia notes critics saw it as a better movie than Glitter!
2015-07-26 01:09:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Kit is the only one who knows the value of a promise, I guess. HOW LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
2015-07-26 01:09:30
@CA7746: @MockTM Changed my mind. I want her to live. Next scene!
2015-07-26 01:09:47
@DrRubidium: @r343l @lousycanuck @MockTM LOL! The only reason he’s not watching Glitter is because it’s not streaming at Netflix. LUCKY MAN!
2015-07-26 01:10:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Let’s put it back on.
2015-07-26 01:11:08
@DrRubidium: Why watch a horrible movie when you can make @lousycanuck do it? @MockTM
2015-07-26 01:11:14
@CA7746: @MockTM Monster rises at the end of the bed. It stares, confused and impatient.
2015-07-26 01:12:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I get that teenage awkward fumblings are kind of normal but this is awkward mostly because this poor nerd kid.
2015-07-26 01:12:52
@CA7746: @MockTM “Why’s there a mound of fresh earth way over there?” “Boyfriend wanted to get dirty.”
2015-07-26 01:13:36
@aussieinTO: @DrRubidium @lousycanuck @MockTM Make him wear the sisterhood’s magical travelling pants while he watches it.
2015-07-26 01:13:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well thank goodness Lucy put the bullet in that scene, but here’s another awkward scene of recriminations over sex.
2015-07-26 01:14:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If this box isn’t full of Lucy’s dad’s porno mags I’ll be surprised.
2015-07-26 01:14:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ca-li-FOR-nia.
2015-07-26 01:15:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh my gods, this is The Wizard with shitty country music instead of Super Mario Bros 3.
2015-07-26 01:15:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I HATE YOU wait you’re giggling I’ll invade your bubble again”
2015-07-26 01:16:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I do not like the characterization of Mimi. Why are they doing this to her? As a proxy to sponge all the annoyance away from Spears?
2015-07-26 01:18:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “bhaza hrmmmana pork chop sandwiches mnomnom”
2015-07-26 01:19:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You must be Lucy. Hi. My name’s Sylar.”
2015-07-26 01:20:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “who’s the guy” “oh that’s just ben he’s really cool” “Yeah, I try.” “OMG HE HEARD US BECAUSE HE’S LITERALLY AN INCH AWAY”
2015-07-26 01:20:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She’s not like us, she’s way out of your league. She’s completed all the 16-man raids on WoW solo.”
2015-07-26 01:22:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Zoe Saldana shows up Britney Spears in the pipes department. SCORE.
2015-07-26 01:23:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I hope those beds vibrate.
2015-07-26 01:24:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Welp. This is awkward. I’m going to… turn away from you now. Because you’re staring and it’s wigging me out.”
2015-07-26 01:25:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A ringing endorsement. “He didn’t kill a guy. I don’t think. HEY, HAVE YOU KILLED ANYONE? NO? Okay. Settled.”
2015-07-26 01:27:10
@CA7746: @MockTM “Wanna ride up front?” “Nah, there’s plenty of room in the trunk.”
2015-07-26 01:27:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Here is something you can’t understand, how I can just kill a man.” This reprieve brought to you by Cypress Hill.
2015-07-26 01:28:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How selfish of her to not marry an asshole James Franco lookalike who maybe sparkles in daylight.
2015-07-26 01:29:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you mad at me or something?” “Why would you be mad at me?” *pop* “Because you didn’t actually put radiator fluid in the car.”
2015-07-26 01:30:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh look at Lucy with her hidden talent for cars by osmosis. PRAISE BE TO DAN AKYROYD
2015-07-26 01:31:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Interesting classism here. The intersectionality of the black woman being the rich one. Fascinating. Like watching a nature film.
2015-07-26 01:33:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooooh, “bitching and whining”. Thanks Britney. MODERN FEMINISM
2015-07-26 01:34:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM $10 right now on Lucy actually asking dad how to fix the cracked radiator on the cheap.
2015-07-26 01:34:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I do. I have a really good idea. Let’s… KARAOKE”
2015-07-26 01:35:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A Karaoke TOURNAMENT? For MONEY? Hahahaha, okay, sure, I’ll accept this conceit just to see if it goes someplace NOT expected.
2015-07-26 01:36:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sounds like someone doesn’t actually love rock and roll.
2015-07-26 01:37:22
@abikleinsmith: @DrRubidium @lousycanuck “karaoke” is Japanese for “embarrass yourself in public” @MockTM
2015-07-26 01:37:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I think we clearly established earlier that Mimi has the voice to pull this song off. But we HAVE to put Spears front and center.
2015-07-26 01:38:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Can I get my dime back, actually?
2015-07-26 01:39:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So much glitter.
2015-07-26 01:39:52
2015-07-26 01:40:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They’re UNDERAGE. And this d-bag is going to put some moves on her. Okay.
2015-07-26 01:41:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think the ‘stop it’ and ‘leave me alone’ clearly means she wants to dance, thanks”
2015-07-26 01:42:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, they made so much money off of karaoke they can get a super expensive room now. Hahaha no.
2015-07-26 01:43:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t mind me, I’m going out… to put on a hockey mask and beat up on ninjas with some turtles I know. Back at dawn.”
2015-07-26 01:43:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM HA HA PEPSI BELCHES
2015-07-26 01:43:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Zombie peeks in the window, unsure whether to knock or shamble away.
2015-07-26 01:43:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ha ha ha, she’s touched a penis. SHUT UPPPPPP
2015-07-26 01:44:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Being fat is just unacceptable (to her).” A great lesson to the kids watching this shit. Good going.
2015-07-26 01:45:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And an abusive mom for Mimi. And a runaway mom for Lucy. And a shithead babydaddy for Kit. Have I mentioned I hate their names?
2015-07-26 01:45:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh jesus, here we go, Kit got taken advantage of and that’s a rape baby. Fuck this movie.
2015-07-26 01:46:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I cannot. Gimme a minute.
2015-07-26 01:47:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I rejoin with a drink and an awkward scene where Lucy has to get uncomfortably close to an unconscious man’s crotch.
2015-07-26 01:49:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH NOES SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THE CAR. Wacky hijinks ensue.
2015-07-26 01:50:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM doo doo doo, doo doo da do doo doo. I just had enough. I just had enough.
2015-07-26 01:50:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wasn’t Kit behind the wheel a second ago? Did they switch places? How long has whatsisface been out?
2015-07-26 01:51:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude says stop the car. Stop it. He needs to go stomp around the desert. IT’S IMPORTANT OKAY
2015-07-26 01:52:46
@CA7746: @MockTM Do you have any idea what it’s like surrounded by broody hunky guys?
2015-07-26 01:53:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m a guy, it’s impossible to be around girls for any length of time. IT’S SCIENCE OKAY”
2015-07-26 01:53:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Okay, you can have your car back. Sorry for the feminist overreach, taking over your car like a bunch of misandrists.”
2015-07-26 01:54:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You killed a guy?” “What? No. Two.”
2015-07-26 01:54:45
@CA7746: @MockTM “Haha! What were you thinking gettin’ in the car with a homicidal maniac?” … “Why are we stopping?”
2015-07-26 01:55:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So he was jailed for kidnapping someone and travelling them across state lines. See, that’s actually not better.
2015-07-26 01:55:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why are we stopping?” “Okay, I lied about the murder thing. See, I got this stuff in the trunk I wanted to show you.”
2015-07-26 01:56:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That is not whispering.
2015-07-26 01:56:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Kidnapping, eh? Recidivism much?
2015-07-26 01:57:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you have enough sleeping bags for all of us?” “Well, no, actually I only brought three because I thought you weren’t coming.”
2015-07-26 01:57:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That was NOT a decent punch.
2015-07-26 01:57:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gotta go ladies room.” “Third rock from the right, straight on til morning.”
2015-07-26 01:58:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM More hidden depth for Lucy! She also writes… crap poetry!
2015-07-26 01:58:33
@CA7746: @MockTM “Something bit my ass!” Vampire with terrible aim?
2015-07-26 01:58:39
@CA7746: @MockTM The disgruntled ghost of a Native American stereotype spares them for their patronage.
2015-07-26 01:58:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I liked it.” “Really?” “Ah, no, not really. I just wanna get in your pants.”
2015-07-26 01:59:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She’s gonna be so happy to see you.” “Yeah. Right. If I left her without attempting to contact for years, I’d totally be happy”
2015-07-26 02:00:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I guess this is it.” “What?” “The part where I give you a chaste kiss to further the romantic subplot.”
2015-07-26 02:01:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s me, mama. Lucy.” “Who?”
2015-07-26 02:01:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Can I ask you why you’re here? I was in the middle of a porn shoot, and you’re affecting my timetable.”
2015-07-26 02:02:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lucy’s mom left her because Paul couldn’t bear her a son.
2015-07-26 02:03:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m really okay. Just found out my mom is actually a huge douchenozzle.”
2015-07-26 02:05:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, but see, if Paul “made” her have Lucy, that’s actually really shitty, and a perfectly valid reason for her to leave him.
2015-07-26 02:05:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s weird though. I don’t have a mother. Only a Ghostbuster-cum-auto-mechanic.”
2015-07-26 02:06:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you doing with my intellectual property?” “Stop worrying so much. Follow me. I found a guy with a self-publishing deal.”
2015-07-26 02:06:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Na na na na ne heeah like that
2015-07-26 02:07:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman, I am a gynoid construct copyright two thousand and two Disney Corporation, All Rights Reseeeerved”
2015-07-26 02:08:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No trouble at all.” *kiss* “Well now it’s at least $10 a minute.”
2015-07-26 02:09:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’re right about mom. You’re right. She’s a total shit. All right, bye.”
2015-07-26 02:10:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “If it makes you happyyyyyyy, it can’t be this movie”
2015-07-26 02:10:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aww, musclehead has learned to embrace the Chick Song.
2015-07-26 02:10:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I can’t believe we’re finally here. Califoooornia. Like, there’s this big dinosaur somewhere around here.”
2015-07-26 02:12:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know these guys, I’m going to put a band together.” “HEY WHERE YOU GOING” “READ THE SCRIPT”
2015-07-26 02:13:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, I broke up with you and have repeatedly been trying to tell you to stop stalking me for months, Mimi. Stop. Please.”
2015-07-26 02:14:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Thought we were going to see the Hollywood Sign.” “We will. We’re going to go kill a guy first. We’ll be there to bury the body.”
2015-07-26 02:14:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you sure?” “Yes. Let’s compare pectoral muscles.”
2015-07-26 02:15:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Finally, we’re free of those hangers-on. Let’s sex.” “OKAY~”
2015-07-26 02:15:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’s up kit kat” Oh shit, I’ve been mixing up Kit and Mimi this whole time. I STILL HATE THE NAMES THOUGH
2015-07-26 02:16:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’re supposed to be getting married.” “Well, ever hear that song Paradise by the Dashboard Lights?”
2015-07-26 02:17:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh my god the blue beer, it had to be him what raped Mimi”
2015-07-26 02:17:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh for fucks sake, now she trips down the stairs and loses the baby. This fucking movie
2015-07-26 02:18:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “They said I lost the baby. Lost it. Like it was my keys. or my virginity. Wait. That’s a bit on the nose.”
2015-07-26 02:19:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa. She stated a clear boundary and Lucy acknowledged and followed it. Well done.
2015-07-26 02:20:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, what, Pete is upset that he came to California because she came here with a PREGNANT GIRL? That’s a mistake? Jesus. Fuck him.
2015-07-26 02:21:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I get it. It’s okay. It’s fine. You’re putting your concerns ahead of mine. I’m gonna go pout now.”
2015-07-26 02:22:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How did she know how Kit punched the guy? She was halfway down the stairwell. Right, I’m criticizing the consistency on THIS MOVIE.
2015-07-26 02:23:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I can’t believe this trip is over.” “I know. God, didn’t this movie start a million years ago?” Audience: “Yup, pretty much”
2015-07-26 02:24:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Lucy.” “Ben.” “I’m here to brood at you some more.” “Okay.”
2015-07-26 02:25:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sup, Ghostbuster.” “Sup, Jacob from Twilight.”
2015-07-26 02:25:48
@CA7746: @MockTM At this point, I’m surprised Lucy made it safely across the street. Drat.
2015-07-26 02:26:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Pop. I don’t want to be like her.” “So… don’t marry, get forced into carrying a pregnancy to term, and leave out of frustration”
2015-07-26 02:28:10
@CA7746: @MockTM “There is no need to protect me.” Okaay, still time for the Phantom to strike.
2015-07-26 02:28:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I take it this is actually a Britney Spears song, since it’s the whole song and not a 30 second fair use snippet].
2015-07-26 02:28:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh gods, 5 minutes left. “I’m not a girl. This girl will always find a way. But I’m not one. LOGIC THAT, GYNOID BOT”
2015-07-26 02:29:31
@CA7746: @MockTM We buried the past: why we were here, who stole whose singing dream…
2015-07-26 02:29:50
2015-07-26 02:30:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We didn’t make any promises for the future. We said goodbye to the past. And we are no longer forced to spend time with each other.
2015-07-26 02:30:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, that rock face. Was that where Kirk fought the Gorn!?
2015-07-26 02:31:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Post credits funny scenes that don’t relate to the actual movie. All added to give the impression it’s a blooper reel.
2015-07-26 02:32:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM None of this happened during the course of the movie. Except maybe laughing at Smoulder-Bro and Spears miming a relationship.
2015-07-26 02:32:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Legal counsel for Ms Spears still let her do this movie.
2015-07-26 02:33:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Suckerpunch” credited. This whole movie was one.
2015-07-26 02:33:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Las Vegas Police Department is partly responsible for this movie, apparently. Ouch. They got a bad enough rap.
2015-07-26 02:34:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I suppose I should officially call the movie over. I was done about two hours ago, but, you know. That was BEFORE the movie.
2015-07-26 02:43:52
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM You should have watched the Ralph Macchio flick instead
2015-07-26 02:45:12
@lousycanuck: @ImprobableJoe @MockTM I think @DrRubidium hates me too much to give me something fun and Karate Kid reference laden. :/
2015-07-26 02:45:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh yeah. There wasn’t ONE GODDAMN CROSSROAD IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Metaphorically or otherwise!
2015-07-26 02:46:52
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM @DrRubidium Yeah, but she also hates Pink Floyd so… 😇
2015-07-26 02:47:02

Thank goodness that’s over. Go donate to Geek Girl Con if you can spare a buck or two!

GGC 2015: #DIYSciZone: AoW: Mock The Movie Overtime: Crossroads Transcript: LOTSA COLONS EDITION

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