Mock The Movie: Gamera vs Viras transcript

I had to miss this because of work issues. Bah. I love turtles, and I love space turtles even more, so I hurt particularly badly from missing this one.

Gamera is pretty neat, he is made of turtle meat!

@szvan: Mock the Movie: Space Turtle Edition: @MockTM
2015-05-04 16:03:19
@JustScritching: @MockTM -give Puma Man a try. Or, search online for “Buffalo Rider” (although Possum Posse gets bragging rghts for “Guy on a Buffalo” first)
2015-05-04 16:39:50
@leilah: But on the plus side… RT @szvan: Mock the Movie: Space Turtle Edition: @MockTM
2015-05-04 21:00:01
@sciencenotscary: @szvan @DrRubidium @MockTM Gamera is really neat.
2015-05-05 02:03:13
@lousycanuck: @sciencenotscary @szvan @DrRubidium @MockTM He is filled with turtle meat!
2015-05-05 05:49:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM Looking forward to Destroy All Planets tonight. I first saw this movie in 1976, on a late night creature feature.
2015-05-07 00:32:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM I was home from college for the summer. My father was in sad shape — he’d had the first of a series of heart attacks.
2015-05-07 00:33:48
@pzmyers: @MockTM He wasn’t at all happy about it. He was a workaholic, he was used to being the strongest guy around, and all that changed. So sad.
2015-05-07 00:34:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM I was up late because I was young & I could go all night.
2015-05-07 00:36:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM He was up because he was old & depressed, couldn’t sleep, and was restless.
2015-05-07 00:38:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM So he staggered out to the living room in his bathrobe, sat down all bleary eyed and cranky, and watched TV with me for a while.
2015-05-07 00:39:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM It was Destroy All Planets. He’d never seen anything like it. It was so damned stupid & hokey, badly made & goofy. He was scowling.
2015-05-07 00:40:38
@pzmyers: @MockTM Then the giant turtle showed up, and flames started shooting out of his butt, and he started spinning around.
2015-05-07 00:41:42
@pzmyers: @MockTM My dad just laughed. He was giggling & snorting at the absurdity of it all. He managed about a half hour of it.
2015-05-07 00:42:59
@pzmyers: @MockTM Then he went to bed & got some sleep. So the movie is good for something.
2015-05-07 00:43:35
@pzmyers: @MockTM Also, he never let me forget what awful taste in movies I had. So there was that, too.
2015-05-07 00:44:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM And now I’m going to watch it again. And I’m a bit older now than my father was then. So it’s a little weird.
2015-05-07 00:45:10
@pzmyers: @MockTM I think this time around it’s my turn to laugh at all of you and your goofy movies. Maybe I’ll sleep well, too.
2015-05-07 00:46:34
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers @MockTM I think you just admitted they’re your goofy movies too.
2015-05-07 00:51:29
@pzmyers: @lousycanuck @MockTM Well, YEAH.
2015-05-07 00:53:17
@szvan: @pzmyers @lousycanuck @MockTM I feel a little like I did watching Killer Condom and discovering a sweet gay romance under the schlock.
2015-05-07 00:59:37
@leilah: @mocktm Is it time yet? Is it?
2015-05-07 00:59:40
@szvan: @pzmyers @lousycanuck @MockTM It’s good to remember art doesn’t have to be good to have good effects.
2015-05-07 01:00:08
@szvan: @MockTM In the future, when spaceships are made out of bumblebee butts….
2015-05-07 01:00:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM Spencer’s Gifts from Beyond the Stars!
2015-05-07 01:00:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yay! Basic atmospheric science lesson!
2015-05-07 01:01:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Attention all spaceship crew members… and other people who happen also to be on this spaceship…”
2015-05-07 01:01:34
@szvan: @MockTM This may be the best example of “As you know, Bob” I’ve ever heard.
2015-05-07 01:02:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Therefore our objective will be… TO STEAL ALL THE NITROGEN!”
2015-05-07 01:02:14
@szvan: @MockTM “What is it? It is our enemy!”

Wow, they really are Earth-like.
2015-05-07 01:02:41
@pzmyers: @MockTM 2 minutes in, & Gamera has already saved the Earth. This movie is shorter than I remembered.
2015-05-07 01:02:48
@CA7746: @MockTM I think Gamera’s trying to pollinate that bee.
2015-05-07 01:02:49
@leilah: @mocktm Wow, they really plan for everything…
2015-05-07 01:03:19
@CA7746: @MockTM By all rights, cinema should have ended with this magnificent scene. Fire-breathing space turtle Kool-Aid’s gassy bees.
2015-05-07 01:03:49
@pzmyers: @MockTM Smoke…in spaaaaaaaaace!
2015-05-07 01:04:08
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM I’m more impressed by the flames.
2015-05-07 01:04:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait, what is it’s name? I just saw a bunch of strange squiggles before he was cut off.
2015-05-07 01:05:18
@szvan: @MockTM “We found a creature protecting the Earth. It’s name is not dubbed.”
2015-05-07 01:05:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM You’ll believe a turtle can fly!
2015-05-07 01:05:25
@CA7746: @MockTM The wayward blue shell seeks a new target.
2015-05-07 01:05:44
@szvan: @MockTM “We all want to thank you by doing something you don’t want.”
2015-05-07 01:07:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM These boy scouts are so unrealistic. Why aren’t they setting things on fire? That’s what scouts do!
2015-05-07 01:07:51
@szvan: @MockTM No one will ever notice that they snuck away from camp while they’re wearing those uniforms.
2015-05-07 01:08:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM OK, physics people. Is that really how electricity works?
2015-05-07 01:09:14
@CA7746: @MockTM From the neckerchiefs, I think these are tanuki scouts.
2015-05-07 01:09:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, those adorable industrial saboteurs
2015-05-07 01:09:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM HOW DID THEY GET iWATCHES IN 1968?
2015-05-07 01:09:53
@szvan: @MockTM I just want to know who he expected to call him from the other watch.
2015-05-07 01:10:06
@szvan: @MockTM “Here’s your suit, sir. You can put it on in the tiny tin can.”
2015-05-07 01:11:35
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, that zany submarine action.
2015-05-07 01:12:32
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wouldn’t it be hilarious if those guys died because the kids screwed up the controls?
2015-05-07 01:12:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We all live in a backwards submarine…”
2015-05-07 01:12:37
@leilah: @mocktm Why don’t they just change the wires back?
2015-05-07 01:14:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Can you open the window?” [water rushes into submarine]
2015-05-07 01:15:34
@szvan: @MockTM Whew. Gamera will never be able to defeat the second spaceship just like the first one he destroyed.
2015-05-07 01:16:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fortunately, all Japanese schoolchildren must take three terms of Monster Identification
2015-05-07 01:18:08
@CA7746: @MockTM I don’t trust Gamera, what with those shifty bloodshot eyes.
2015-05-07 01:18:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM These kids are so annoying. I’m hoping for a segue into a bloody version of Battle Royale.
2015-05-07 01:18:59
@leilah: @mocktm I know Gamera’s a friend to children and all, but come on. Have some dignity, dude.
2015-05-07 01:19:28
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Super Catch Ray”? Well, that’s sorta descriptive.
2015-05-07 01:19:34
@blakestacey: @pzmyers @MockTM Or Death Note.
2015-05-07 01:20:07
@szvan: @MockTM Well, that’s your problem. You’re talking into your compass.
2015-05-07 01:20:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why wasn’t Spaceship #1 equipped with a Super Catch Ray? Stupid aliens.
2015-05-07 01:20:30
@szvan: @MockTM Gamera is now grumbling about what bad friends all those children are to him.
2015-05-07 01:21:23
@pzmyers: @MockTM Aw, you got 15 minutes. Just suck up all the nitrogen and fly home.
2015-05-07 01:21:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM Aw, a clip show??
2015-05-07 01:22:21
@CA7746: @MockTM That monster isn’t fighting so much as humping the landscape.
2015-05-07 01:23:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ooh, disco spine
2015-05-07 01:23:59
@szvan: @MockTM I’ve always thought that a monster with quick-freeze abilities really needed nasal horns for…something.
2015-05-07 01:24:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Kind of a “collateral property damage by fire or by ice” situation
2015-05-07 01:26:20
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, it’s for knocking.
2015-05-07 01:26:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM Somebody ought to write a book on the physics of giant rubber monsters. Something is always off about it.
2015-05-07 01:27:51
@szvan: @MockTM I never thought I’d say this, but can we have those annoying kids back?
2015-05-07 01:30:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM So now the aliens are tapping into Gamera’s free association of different kaiju battles?
2015-05-07 01:30:39
@szvan: @MockTM Attack him! Attack him with small children!
2015-05-07 01:33:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM So, with that weakness, the aliens should just kill all the children, and then Gamera will give up in despair. And we’ll all cheer!
2015-05-07 01:33:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ten minutes to discover that Gamera is a friend to children
2015-05-07 01:34:01
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, no! Super Catch Ray works on children, too!
2015-05-07 01:34:51
@szvan: @MockTM I wonder how dizzy those kids will be before they escape.
2015-05-07 01:36:29
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Obey us, Gamera, or these two children will die. Now DESTROY THE EARTH!” Makes sense.
2015-05-07 01:36:35
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, they won’t be killed, but they will be motion sick.
2015-05-07 01:37:30
@pzmyers: @MockTM All the kids need to do is reverse the electricity in the spaceship, so it goes backwards when they want to go forwards. Victory!
2015-05-07 01:38:23
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yeah, it’s true. Adults get to fly, kids don’t.
2015-05-07 01:39:21
@szvan: @MockTM Nah, kids, you can fly. You just have to commit. Try again.
2015-05-07 01:39:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ha-ha! [/nelson]
2015-05-07 01:39:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Must be cold in Japan.
2015-05-07 01:40:30
@szvan: @MockTM The aliens are just like us, but with more modern art.
2015-05-07 01:40:41
@leilah: @mocktm All these random cubes laying around have me expecting a first-person shooter to break out at any moment.
2015-05-07 01:40:50
@leilah: @mocktm What a darling little hat!
2015-05-07 01:41:36
@CA7746: @MockTM Gamera orbiting the whirling bumble bracelet. I need this screensaver!
2015-05-07 01:42:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’ll fly around the spaceship but only because it’s fun wheeeeeee”
2015-05-07 01:42:42
@pzmyers: @MockTM Dang. Why didn’t a cow appear?
2015-05-07 01:43:06
@szvan: @MockTM The aliens are so cute when they bat their eyelashes at us.
2015-05-07 01:45:00
@szvan: @MockTM Okay, kid. Next, wish for batteries for your camera’s flash.
2015-05-07 01:45:51
@CA7746: @MockTM You aren’t allowed to have parachutes. Knives aren’t gonna happen.
2015-05-07 01:46:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ah, the good part. Angry octopus!
2015-05-07 01:48:04
@leilah: @mocktm Maybe it just wants a cuttle?
2015-05-07 01:48:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM Space octopus can be Friend to Children, too. Unless it’s hungry.
2015-05-07 01:49:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Or they could be taking it to a restaurant to eat it!”
2015-05-07 01:49:23
@szvan: @MockTM Always trust what the monsters tell you.
2015-05-07 01:49:50
@leilah: @mocktm The movie’s so bad it broke the dubbing!
2015-05-07 01:52:02
@szvan: @MockTM You can tell Gamera is being controlled, because he never destroys buildings otherwise.
2015-05-07 01:53:14
@CA7746: @MockTM Gamera, we command you: Continue wrecking cities! Lie down! Look back and forth! Mwahaha.
2015-05-07 01:53:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, oh, oh yeah? Well, the next time you’re stuck on your back in the desert, you’ll get no empathy from us!
2015-05-07 01:53:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM The thrilling “putting the object on the shelf” theme!
2015-05-07 01:56:03
@szvan: @MockTM But be sure you destroy them in super slow motion.
2015-05-07 01:57:34
@szvan: @MockTM We’d really like to help you, but you see, we have no spaceship of our own. Normally, we’d rely on Gamera, but….
2015-05-07 01:59:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The only other way is to sacrifice the two boys. And bear in mind, they’re pretty annoying, so…”
2015-05-07 01:59:54
@pzmyers: @Mocktm I knew that stupid interlude with the sub would come back at the end.
2015-05-07 02:03:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Reverse the polarity! We have a “reverse the polarity!”
2015-05-07 02:03:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Nah, they only fiddled with the thermostat.
2015-05-07 02:05:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM That smarts!
2015-05-07 02:09:29
@szvan: @MockTM Luckily for Gamera, an explosion attached to his brain can’t hurt him.
2015-05-07 02:09:42
@CA7746: @MockTM That was a colony ship, like the first one. And naturally, they’re just as expendable.
2015-05-07 02:10:07
@pzmyers: @MockTM Giant space octopus time!
2015-05-07 02:10:24
@szvan: @MockTM Weird. They didn’t dub this part.
2015-05-07 02:11:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Gamera! Use fire!” “Gee, thanks, kid, I never would have thought of that.”
2015-05-07 02:12:33
@szvan: @MockTM No, Gamera! Don’t let it pull you under water! Where you started!
2015-05-07 02:13:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM … Kind of a doofus among kaiju, isn’t it?
2015-05-07 02:14:32
@szvan: @MockTM I guess now we now know where the Hulk/Loki scene in The Avengers came from.
2015-05-07 02:14:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Gamera!” “Gamera!” “Gamera!” “Gamera!” [repeat chorus]
2015-05-07 02:15:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why do 10 story tall monsters all have such high-pitched screechy voices? Just to be annoying?
2015-05-07 02:15:15
@szvan: @MockTM What do you call that position?
2015-05-07 02:16:43
@pzmyers: @MockTM Gamera is dead. No turtle can survive that kind of injury.
2015-05-07 02:17:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM Gamera: “You solve the icing problem? Might want to look into that.”
2015-05-07 02:19:42
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why would a giant octopus die when thrown into the ocean?
2015-05-07 02:20:38
@szvan: @MockTM Once again, our hero wins by virtue of having the upper hand when movie’s timer runs out.
2015-05-07 02:22:24
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s good to know the UN can surrender the planet, and civilization will carry on without falling into chaos or anything.
2015-05-07 02:26:36

Mock The Movie: Gamera vs Viras transcript