Mock The Movie: Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption transcript

I am a sucker for anything titled Movie: Subtitle. Sadly, only CA7746 and I made this one. FoolsExperiment got one tweet in and NOPEd right on out. Wise soul!

@lousycanuck: Ten minutes to go for Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption on Netflix! Follow @MockTM and tweet at it to participate!
2014-10-09 00:50:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM 12 AZ, so you don’t have to be bothered with calculating how far in the future this is supposed to be.
2014-10-09 01:01:26
@CA7746: @MockTM *Checks IMDb* Made in 2011
2014-10-09 01:01:32
@FoolsExperiment: @MockTM THat’s some groovy pseudo-80s sci fi music it’s got going on there.
2014-10-09 01:02:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM All the greatest works of art in human history begin with pissing on a bandana.
2014-10-09 01:04:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So far, the tumblestick is the best actor.
2014-10-09 01:05:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I wish this was Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare: The Movie.
2014-10-09 01:06:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Now here come the other 9999 zombies…
2014-10-09 01:08:12
@CA7746: @MockTM Any minute now…
2014-10-09 01:08:44
@CA7746: @MockTM Good, 9998 to go…
2014-10-09 01:09:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Always wondered why zombie blood splatter doesn’t infect people.
2014-10-09 01:10:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nick Nolte? Is that you?
2014-10-09 01:12:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Are we going for a Mad Max after-civilization vibe here? Because all I’m getting is “shitty pro-wrestling gimmicks”.
2014-10-09 01:13:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Villain recipe: eyeliner and slicked hair, and have him say things like “if I want your opinion, I’ll rape it out of you”. GRAVITAS.
2014-10-09 01:17:43
@CA7746: @MockTM Rome? Moses? These names sound familiar…
2014-10-09 01:19:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Where is everyone finding all the eyeliner in this irradiated zombie wasteland?
2014-10-09 01:19:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How old was this kid before the zombie apocalypse twelve years ago when he was supposedly doing magic with his brother?
2014-10-09 01:21:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I totally get why his brother kept locking him in a trunk.
2014-10-09 01:22:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What the hell is going on?” “A whole lot of subversion of the established chain of command, sir.”
2014-10-09 01:25:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Shaking the gun offscreen like that just looks like you’re shaking your weiner after taking a whiz. Protip, bit actors.
2014-10-09 01:26:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The truth is, I was a murder, etcetera, etcetera. Turned on yet babe?”
2014-10-09 01:28:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I was just about to finish you off.” “That’s the idea, sweetheart.” “… uh… oh. Is that double entendre? Huh.”
2014-10-09 01:29:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Injecting window cleaner kills the tasty brain last.
2014-10-09 01:29:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Please tell me that dude just shot up with Bane’s Venom.
2014-10-09 01:30:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How many Nick Nolte doppelgangers does this film employ?
2014-10-09 01:31:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Asian guy has a katana.
2014-10-09 01:32:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CA7746 …And a gi. Because.
2014-10-09 01:33:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Knox is like a poor man’s Shia LeBoeuf. And James Franco. in a blender.
2014-10-09 01:34:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why would we listen to the guy who used to run with the bad guys and might know their tactics better than me?”
2014-10-09 01:36:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s nice that they can use the props warehouse as a set location.
2014-10-09 01:37:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s a damn good thing one of us read the script.”
2014-10-09 01:38:43
@CA7746: @MockTM Here come the zombies. Bet you wish YOU had swords now huh!
2014-10-09 01:40:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, finally, zombies.
2014-10-09 01:40:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, so, the casting call for this movie said “Zombies wanted, bring your ordinary street clothes?”
2014-10-09 01:41:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Somebody do something!” Zombie: “Okay.”
2014-10-09 01:42:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Asian guy with the gi and katana is named Harkins.
2014-10-09 01:43:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A shooting star! That must be how the zombies were created! Ah who am I kidding? They were created by plot.
2014-10-09 01:44:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Time for more groin kick foreplay?
2014-10-09 01:44:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That’s the one thing that stays the same.” “The sky? No, there’s the procession of the equinoxes, supernovas and shooting stars…”
2014-10-09 01:45:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So is it, what, zombie grime that people are using as cosmetics after the apocalypse?
2014-10-09 01:46:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Assemble a war party. Make sure to include a cleric and two mages. And put them in the back row, they’re squishy.”
2014-10-09 01:47:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, is Moses’ number two Lone Starr from Spaceballs?!
2014-10-09 01:48:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Someone get some throat lozenges on the next raiding mission for that guy.
2014-10-09 01:49:14
@CA7746: @MockTM *POW* *Thud* Now, we’ll stay alive.
2014-10-09 01:50:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lurkers? Not walkers, biters, geeks?
2014-10-09 01:51:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Zombie babies. How long could they possibly have been in that room?
2014-10-09 01:52:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I have to admit, that’s the first movie I’ve seen to go all the way with the zombie baby trope.
2014-10-09 01:52:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, folks, keep your faces down when you shuffle so we don’t need to make you up for the long shots.”
2014-10-09 01:53:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, Satchmo, don’t waste a second shot on your zombies. You’ll run out of ammo in no time.
2014-10-09 01:54:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Boys, we have 28 Days Later style zombies! I repeat, we have zombies with motivation!”
2014-10-09 01:54:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You want a piece of old Lawrence?” “Yes, actually, that’s exactly what we’re here for, thank you for offering.”
2014-10-09 01:56:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I hope the plot doesn’t require us to run out of ammo!”
2014-10-09 01:57:05
@CA7746: @MockTM *pshewwewew* “Whoa, that sounded like a bazooka!”
2014-10-09 01:57:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh no! The Governor is finally staging his attack! No, wait, I mistook this for a GOOD zombie show.
2014-10-09 01:58:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That was a nicely executed truck hood roll, but entirely… ENTIRELY… unnecessary.
2014-10-09 01:59:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NINJA BALL-GRAB
2014-10-09 02:00:18
@CA7746: @MockTM Dude, don’t claim the katana if you’re just gonna drop it and roll around, okay?
2014-10-09 02:00:21
@CA7746: @MockTM Wilhelm, Check.
2014-10-09 02:01:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And with his mighty gatling, Moses did part the dead sea.
2014-10-09 02:02:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh god. The plot moved on without us.”
2014-10-09 02:03:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hope he had time to reload since his declaration that he’s out of ammo.
2014-10-09 02:03:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Yay, let’s all hug the violent stranger!”
2014-10-09 02:05:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Who are you?” “Name’s Jabba. I’m the Hutt of this region.
2014-10-09 02:06:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s a dungeon. Good place to grind for XP and level the kids up before facing the end boss.”
2014-10-09 02:07:48
@CA7746: @MockTM Kevin Kline/Kurt Russell is ready.
2014-10-09 02:08:07
@CA7746: @MockTM Montage! Smoke with kids. Stand around. Smoke. Load shotgun. Smoke. Check rifle. Smoke. Don gloves. Smoke.
2014-10-09 02:08:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Eagles cry as the heroes re-equip. Meanwhile, one of the characters cosplays Snake Plisskin for some reason.
2014-10-09 02:09:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’ll be back. I promise.” He dies first.
2014-10-09 02:09:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Good plan. Let the guy unaccustomed to wearing a patch do the driving.
2014-10-09 02:10:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He’s not so much tied up as tangled in that rope.
2014-10-09 02:11:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ha ha ha, whee, torture! We’re the good guys!
2014-10-09 02:11:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, why are we going to the cathedral again? I wasn’t paying attention. Votive candles?”
2014-10-09 02:12:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Yeah, you kinda sound like people who’d be here, with that affected accent. Go on in.”
2014-10-09 02:13:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look at how they corrupted this house of worship with their bosoms and their fire twirlings and their tech-no music.
2014-10-09 02:14:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Let’s start with inventorying the lumps on your skull.” “What?” “Nothing.”
2014-10-09 02:15:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is that C4?” “Actually, no, it’s a bunch of C batteries taped to a shoe insole, but close enough.”
2014-10-09 02:16:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Good thing nobody recognizes this Knox character the bad guys have been looking for this whole time.
2014-10-09 02:17:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Say what you will but the baddies have a functioning bureaucracy. And queues!
2014-10-09 02:18:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CA7746 The armies of chaos are often disturbingly well organized.
2014-10-09 02:19:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “More fights in here over food than for pussy. Though cats really ARE all we have to eat lately. Need better raiding parties.”
2014-10-09 02:20:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Flinching and averting your eyes will definitely protect you from an inadvertent C4 discharge.
2014-10-09 02:21:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Burn them both! Wait, they’re traitors? I just thought they were shitty entertainment!”
2014-10-09 02:21:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s right, sister, keep acting to the back of Knox’s tonsils.
2014-10-09 02:22:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Just like an evil villain to set up a death trap and walk away.
2014-10-09 02:24:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Both of you say good bye. To each other. Just in case that wasn’t clear.”
2014-10-09 02:25:30
@CA7746: @MockTM “Enough tie to find Moses.” You’re in a cathedral. Seek Jesus.
2014-10-09 02:26:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I really like the Shredder pauldrons on Gordon there. Nice touch.
2014-10-09 02:26:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OMG THIS IS LIKE THAT ONE GUN MARTIAL ART SCENE FROM WANTED ONLY SHITTY
2014-10-09 02:27:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ow, my nards!” “Villans DO have nards!”
2014-10-09 02:28:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, what? Why did he just explode? Was there a grenade in pants scene I missed?
2014-10-09 02:29:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Because all the gunfire and tech-no music is definitely not enough to attract the zombie hordes.
2014-10-09 02:30:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Because of course we had to have the scantily-clad women fistfight.
2014-10-09 02:31:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dat evade-roll.
2014-10-09 02:33:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Slave Leia vs Sonya Blade. Round 1. FIGHT
2014-10-09 02:33:44
@CA7746: @MockTM “Was it good for you too?” Bechdel pass?
2014-10-09 02:34:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You always did have all the answers, Knox. Shoot that guy, explode that other guy’s pants, blow up the church.”
2014-10-09 02:36:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It is impossible to detonate a C4 charge without first doing a one-liner. “Peace Out motherfucker” almost counts.
2014-10-09 02:37:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Good thing there were so many lumps of C4 planted all over the church — wait, just one? Huh.
2014-10-09 02:38:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM EAGLES CRY
2014-10-09 02:38:36
@CA7746: @MockTM We all cry.
2014-10-09 02:38:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Shoulda done more to promote that, but also, Netflix drops attendance drastically I’ve noted. Bah.
2014-10-09 02:39:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Jonny Knox Will Return In Zombie Apocalypse 2: Redemption Harder
2014-10-09 02:40:36
@CA7746: @MockTM Shot on location in Detroit.
2014-10-09 02:41:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where you headed?” “Where there’s peace.” “The bottom of the ocean?”
2014-10-09 02:42:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Did that movie really need a post-credits scene setting up Moses as the wandering zombie-killer?
2014-10-09 02:43:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Considering watching The Coed and the Zombie Stoner as a palate cleanser.
2014-10-09 02:51:26

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Mock The Movie: Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption transcript
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