Mock The Movie OVERTIME: Star Trek Into Darkness transcript by @blakestacey

CA7746 was building a transcript-generator for the web interface to supplement my Python-based Twitter scraper a while back, for when things go sideways and the API can’t deliver the script any more, and while I was doing my catch-up on Mock The Movie stuff and read CA’s email on the matter, he mentioned that he managed to grab a transcript of Blake Stacey’s mocking of Star Trek Into Darkness. So, here it is! Huzzah for Blake! You poor sod.

@blakestacey: @MockTM We now join SUNSHINE, already in progress.
2014-01-04 22:06:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, it’s Red Robot from Diesel Sweeties!
2014-01-04 22:06:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM Flight of the bumblebee keeper!
2014-01-04 22:06:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM And our first plot point: easily preventable stupidity
2014-01-04 22:07:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The Prime Directive clearly says that what we are already doing is completely illegal!”
2014-01-04 22:08:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Da da da da, dun da da
2014-01-04 22:08:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Kirk could explain himself, if only he spoke Hovito
2014-01-04 22:08:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why is a shuttlecraft which can survive atmospheric re-entry “not built for heat”?
2014-01-04 22:09:10
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM I came so close to live-tweeting this in the theater.
2014-01-04 22:09:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM One volcano explodes, and “the planet dies”. So THAT’s how geology works!
2014-01-04 22:09:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM If the entire planet was going to die, why were they trying to lure the natives out of the “kill zone”?
2014-01-04 22:10:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wouldn’t the “kill zone” be the entirety of the planet?
2014-01-04 22:10:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM AND WE HAVE A CALL-BACK!
2014-01-04 22:12:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM 440 seconds and the movie has already exhausted its own supply of screenplay.
2014-01-04 22:13:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM At this point, the indigenous people realize what movie they’re in and run for their lives
2014-01-04 22:14:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM And so the volcano is temporarily plugged up before exploding again the next day. HOORAY!
2014-01-04 22:15:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM They’ve sure gone through a lot of revisions of London to be on a release over 2000.
2014-01-04 22:16:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM Stately Wayne Manor!
2014-01-04 22:16:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Give it to us straight, doc. Is it…space-osis?”
2014-01-04 22:17:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I can save her.” With p < 0.05, or what?
2014-01-04 22:18:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Forget about seniority! They did it in the last movie, after all.”
2014-01-04 22:18:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nibiru? conspiracy_theory_namedrops++
2014-01-04 22:19:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I am expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously.” Yay for 1st-season Data dialogue!
2014-01-04 22:20:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM Breaking Kirk down to a cadet again? Say wha? Leave it to Abrams!Trek Starfleet to fix an obvious mistake in a bizarre way.
2014-01-04 22:22:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM DUN DUN DUN
2014-01-04 22:22:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM I have to wonder if there’s not a simpler way to smuggle a bomb that undetectable and that powerful into a building.
2014-01-04 22:25:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM “If anybody deserves a second chance, it’s not this franchise.”
2014-01-04 22:27:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM 42 dead? Not 47?
2014-01-04 22:29:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Yeah, why couldn’t we have done this meeting over, like, space-Skype?”
2014-01-04 22:30:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM That is a truly puny amount of firepower for a man who just blew up a building with a goddamn class ring.
2014-01-04 22:32:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM It was cooler when Sean Connery did that with a flock of pigeons.
2014-01-04 22:33:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM #protip When you’ve completely failed to connect to your audience, a “moving score” really isn’t.
2014-01-04 22:34:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Uh, this is the wardrobe department? Yeah, we had a little mix-up here. You’re gonna have to use your Sherlock coat again.”
2014-01-04 22:35:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Captain! Somehow I’m a forensic investigator.”
2014-01-04 22:36:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Pike always said you were one of our best and brightest. And may God have mercy on our souls.”
2014-01-04 22:37:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nobody considers the possibility that the coordinates were a trick? Oh, but a black-ops agent would never stoop to such a thing.
2014-01-04 22:41:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You know what this is?” “A brewery?”
2014-01-04 22:42:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM The turbolift got really geared down since the last movie.
2014-01-04 22:44:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Now put on a red shirt.” [ominous music] Dammit, movie, *I* provide the jokes.
2014-01-04 22:44:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shouldn’t there be an assistant chief engineer who can take over when the chief is incapacitated?
2014-01-04 22:45:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Per Admiral Marcus…” ZOOM IN ON CAROL. Yeah, I wonder if they’re related.
2014-01-04 22:46:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What are you doing, Doctor?” “Rocking the Elizabeth Dehner haircut, why?”
2014-01-04 22:47:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM Doesn’t “coolant leak” imply a warp core breach in progress?
2014-01-04 22:48:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM I mean, if they’re dropping references in all over the place, what counts and what doesn’t?
2014-01-04 22:51:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, what is Praxis doing all exploded?
2014-01-04 22:51:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, for the love of–SHUT UP, UHURA.
2014-01-04 22:52:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS CONVERSATION.
2014-01-04 22:53:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fuel cells ROCK in the 23rd century.
2014-01-04 22:54:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM After decades of presuming a universal translator is always about, it’s really weird to see a scene which only makes sense without
2014-01-04 22:57:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sorry, I must have started Start Trek: FPS instead of the movie
2014-01-04 23:01:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Yeah, not buying it. He’s a genetically augmented human, not the last son of Krypton.
2014-01-04 23:03:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM Maybe that club which Kirk Prime used to beat Khan senseless was made of kryptonite.
2014-01-04 23:04:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM (home internet tube has a tribble or something clogging it. Tweeting over smrtphone.)
2014-01-04 23:06:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Can we just have the Bones/Scotty/Sulu show, please?
2014-01-04 23:07:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM ugh. This is just depressing.
2014-01-04 23:09:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM I can’t even look directly *at* this movie.
2014-01-04 23:10:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Of course I’m all right. What’s my shirt colour, Jim?”
2014-01-04 23:12:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM You have all Federation space to choose from, and you put your secret base within spitting distance of earth?”
2014-01-04 23:13:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s…not a safe hiding place.
2014-01-04 23:14:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM Something tells me it takes more than a pissy attitude to design futuristic weapons.
2014-01-04 23:16:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM Marcus knew the Khansicles were in the torpedoes? Did he want them all destroyed? Why?
2014-01-04 23:18:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, look. It’s the requisite Big Evil Ship.
2014-01-04 23:18:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM If he wanted the Khansicles destroyed, why not remove them from where Khan put them and just phaser them?
2014-01-04 23:20:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM How did the genetic engineers from 300 years ago SOLVE DEATH?
2014-01-04 23:22:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Attacking at warp? Since when did that become a novel thing?
2014-01-04 23:24:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM What’s the deal with throwing in random Trek allusions and then changing the way basic things work?
2014-01-04 23:25:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because injecting blood platelets into a dead tribble is…McCoy’s gotten into the Saurian brandy again, hasn’t he?
2014-01-04 23:30:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because NEMESIS is always just the Trek movie we need reminding of.
2014-01-04 23:31:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Airlock”? With one door?
2014-01-04 23:34:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM He should just ask Jarvis to fly the suit for him.
2014-01-04 23:35:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM The point of an *airlock* is *not* to depressurize the damn ship.
2014-01-04 23:36:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Did your Khan look like an English flagpole?”
2014-01-04 23:38:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Going full BLADE RUNNER in 3..2…
2014-01-04 23:41:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Behind the aft nacelle?”
2014-01-04 23:43:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because that’s how orbital mechanics works. Mm-hmm.
2014-01-04 23:46:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why is there a shopping-mall atrium on the Enterprise?
2014-01-04 23:47:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM The Abramstrek engineering decks always make me think of SPACE MUTINY. Railing kill!
2014-01-04 23:48:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM The Enterprise can be repaired by kicking it? Does it run on Bebop technology?
2014-01-04 23:51:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM The movie is in full Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V mode now. Repeat the lift-through-clouds shot of the last film, and now…this…
2014-01-04 23:55:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shouldn’t Spock really be screaming “MAAAAAAAARCUS!” ?
2014-01-04 23:56:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM Not an additional scratch on him? Fuck is he, Wolverine?
2014-01-04 23:59:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM YOU HAVE A RANGED WEAPON WITH A STUN SETTING.
2014-01-05 00:00:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Shit, getting piss drunk and injecting random shit into random shit is pretty cool shit.”
2014-01-05 00:01:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, they removed a Khansicle to put Kirk’s body in the tube, and they’re not trying to use the blood from the other guy?
2014-01-05 00:04:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know, as a reasonable plan B?
2014-01-05 00:05:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM And they just file the Khansicles in the warehouse with the Ark.
2014-01-05 00:06:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM “These are the voyages…” does *not* sound like an oath.
2014-01-05 00:07:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM Just gonna put that out there.
2014-01-05 00:07:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Come on, Bones, it’s gonna be fun. And you’ve already CURED DEATH.”
2014-01-05 00:08:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM The standard captain’s oath referred to a five-year mission, but one has “never been attempted”?
2014-01-05 00:08:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM I’m only asking for continuity OVER THE PAST 90 SECONDS.
2014-01-05 00:09:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM They’re not so much “credits”, more “the reason we can’t have nice things”.
2014-01-05 00:10:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM Stick a fork in it, Jim.
2014-01-05 00:11:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM … it may be time for a colourful metaphor.
2014-01-05 00:22:21

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Mock The Movie OVERTIME: Star Trek Into Darkness transcript by @blakestacey
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