I couldn’t make this mocking, but I remember it being eminently mockable when Jodi and I had watched it hoping for a good fantasy movie a few years back. The rogues who made it did not disappoint. Watch especially if you like seeing Jason Statham wearing a burlap sack for two hours.

@szvan: When you tell a coworker about this month’s @MockTM and they say, “Oh, I love that movie!”
2014-11-06 01:47:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM Two seconds in, and this movie is a bunch of Boll-ocks.
2014-11-06 02:00:48
@szvan: @MockTM Boll? That’s already a bad sign. But I knew that.
2014-11-06 02:00:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Werter, Schwerter.
2014-11-06 02:01:11
@CA7746: @MockTM First line of the movie, in a bed: “I knew you’d come.” “I told you I would.”
2014-11-06 02:01:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I felt it before you came.” Tee hee
2014-11-06 02:01:36
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, my god. He’s sucking the life out of her! Oh, wait. That’s supposed to be a kiss.
2014-11-06 02:01:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Set in the Land of Desktop Wallpaper Images
2014-11-06 02:01:58
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM GEEZ it’s too soon in the movie for demonic face sucking. TOO SOON.
2014-11-06 02:02:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Poor Rhys-Davies. The Sliders writers gave him brain damage, a gunshot, and vaporized with a pulsar. What’d he do to deserve THIS?
2014-11-06 02:02:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “There are many things your father doesn’t know. How to print from Outlook, how to sync his contacts…”
2014-11-06 02:03:08
@leilah: @mocktm Tension is usually ramped up with a crescendo of music, not by throwing a cat at a piano.
2014-11-06 02:03:38
@CA7746: @MockTM Deal never changes. – Never change the deal. No names. Never open the package. Keep your promises.
2014-11-06 02:04:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM Is the kid going to die to prove the situation is serious and the overlord is evil? Please oh please oh please
2014-11-06 02:04:16
@chaos46692: @MockTM wait, what’s Hellboy doing in this flick?
2014-11-06 02:04:54
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Deal never changes… I get the cut and you do all the work. That’s fair right?
2014-11-06 02:05:04
@szvan: @MockTM He uses so little language, he doesn’t even need a name, just a title.
2014-11-06 02:06:06
@k_hanfelt: @MockTm Everyone has a talent… mine is not whatever this is.
2014-11-06 02:06:15
@leilah: @mocktm They’re all going to diiiiiiiiie…
2014-11-06 02:06:18
@szvan: @MockTM Tell me how our clothes are all sewn on a machine.
2014-11-06 02:06:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Tell me something nice.” “Your hair is amazing for a peasant farmer’s wife.”
2014-11-06 02:06:47
@leilah: @blakestacey @MockTM Great complexion, too!
2014-11-06 02:07:32
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Courawge never fails… only my acting does that.
2014-11-06 02:07:38
@leilah: @mocktm Are we taking bets on whether they die, the farm gets torched, or he gets conscripted for a crime?
2014-11-06 02:08:05
@szvan: @MockTM No one really wanted to keep him for long.
2014-11-06 02:08:18
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, they left on their own? Good luck, you two!
2014-11-06 02:08:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM STATELY WAYNE MANOR
2014-11-06 02:08:43
@szvan: @MockTM We can arrange that.
2014-11-06 02:09:16
@leilah: @mocktm What? Really. What the hell is even real?
2014-11-06 02:09:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM “This is some sort of saucer-y”?
2014-11-06 02:09:34
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Sire there’s a savage army outside! -…*yawn* still bored.
2014-11-06 02:09:53
@leilah: @mocktm Not even ten minutes in and I’m already losing my grip on reality.
2014-11-06 02:10:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM That Stathams my face!
2014-11-06 02:10:26
@szvan: @MockTM Sooo, it’s only the stars who will have non-generic-fantasy haircuts?
2014-11-06 02:10:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM My forehead-sense is tingling!
2014-11-06 02:10:51
@leilah: @mocktm It’s the trees! They’re pissed about you cutting them down!
2014-11-06 02:11:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hiyup!
2014-11-06 02:11:07
@chaos46692: @MockTM look at all that nice obviously cut by a chainsaw wood we’re splitting there
2014-11-06 02:11:48
@szvan: @MockTM No, no, no! There’s an assassin in that straw!
2014-11-06 02:11:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Where is that music coming from?!!
2014-11-06 02:11:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Brutes with cudgels are surprisingly stealthy.
2014-11-06 02:12:26
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Hell yes she just misandried all over those dumb market bros!
2014-11-06 02:12:37
@szvan: @MockTM Is he allowed to fight with his shirt on?
2014-11-06 02:12:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM I guess farming leaves him lots of time for sword practice?
2014-11-06 02:13:25
@chaos46692: @mocktm wait, he’s got a boomerang? When did this turn into Legend of Zelda?
2014-11-06 02:14:02
@leilah: @mocktm I don’t remember boomerangs in this game. Actually, I can’t remember anything about the game.Like, complete blank. I played it…
2014-11-06 02:14:20
@szvan: @MockTM They may not scare easy, but they cut from four inches away.
2014-11-06 02:14:22
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Brigands who don’t. Scare easy. That’s unusual apparently.
2014-11-06 02:14:48
@CA7746: @MockTM “What is this nonsense?” *Pulls a blade* HACK THE SHIRE!
2014-11-06 02:16:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hordes of crud are ransacking the land”?
2014-11-06 02:16:28
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Daddy lets me do anything… it’s so unfair!
2014-11-06 02:17:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Gotta say, they had it coming. This is what you get for raising a nameless protagonist in your village.
2014-11-06 02:17:45
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t think Statham and Lillard are in the same movie. I’m not sure I want to watch either one, though.
2014-11-06 02:17:46
@leilah: @mocktm “And bolt the door! That should help when these things set the house on fire!”
2014-11-06 02:18:32
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM ugly bushes are invading again. Hate it when that happens.
2014-11-06 02:18:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why did she keep sounding the bell after the village was pretty well aware it was being attacked?
2014-11-06 02:18:53
@chaos46692: @mocktm #StathamBattleRules get off your horse, because that 1,700# animal won’t give you *any* advantage at all. Nope, nope.
2014-11-06 02:19:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM … the Hell?
2014-11-06 02:20:17
@leilah: @mocktm Hey, that’s Ray Liotta! He smells like apples, doncha know.
2014-11-06 02:20:18
@szvan: @MockTM Actually, I think the monster thingy with the black blood carried the spirit.
2014-11-06 02:20:21
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Legolas came to fight the orcs? Neat!
2014-11-06 02:20:48
@leilah: @mocktm Those vegetables he’s been farming must be pretty damned rebellious if he can fight like that.
2014-11-06 02:22:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM And the idle mosey of the big evil guy is fast enough to catch up with the running child, because…
2014-11-06 02:23:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM …I guess the kid shouldn’t have run in slow motion?
2014-11-06 02:23:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, before the nameless protagonist became a farmer, did the townsfolk just call him “Hey, You”?
2014-11-06 02:25:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Have you seen my shoe?”
2014-11-06 02:25:44
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Ah yes the super suspenseful gravedigging scene. Complete with swelling music.
2014-11-06 02:25:48
@chaos46692: @MockTM I’m definitely gonna need a lot more rum to make it through this
2014-11-06 02:25:52
@leilah: @k_hanfelt @MockTM _Will_ they dig the grave?! It could go anywhere!
2014-11-06 02:26:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Where have you been?” “I’ve been busy. Very busy.” Jerkin’ it.
2014-11-06 02:26:47
@leilah: @mocktm A man called… “farmer”?
2014-11-06 02:26:57
@szvan: @MockTM Farmer. That should narrow it down.
2014-11-06 02:27:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “STIR THINGS UP?! That rhinestones my collar!”
2014-11-06 02:27:05
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Hey I’m a very busy man. Hiding in cosmic mist and such.
2014-11-06 02:27:20
@ingdamnit: @leilah @MockTM ah I see were visiting Mr Bole
2014-11-06 02:27:35
@leilah: @mocktm *lean… lean…* “Is that Ron Perlman over there? I’m sorry, dude.” -JRD
2014-11-06 02:28:13
@ingdamnit: @szvan @MockTM well it’s a family name. Formerly Nonnomadicagrarian but was changed at Ellis Island
2014-11-06 02:28:34
@leilah: @mocktm Farmer. It’s probably better his parents are dead.
2014-11-06 02:28:44
@leilah: @mocktm “No, we have met before. You’re Ron Perlman, right?”
2014-11-06 02:29:10
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM nah I never really wanted to be a soldier. Now *farming* though… that’s where the real action is.
2014-11-06 02:29:24
@ingdamnit: @leilah @MockTM “War…war never changes”
2014-11-06 02:29:37
@leilah: @mocktm You spent your days at the bridge? Were you raised by trolls?
2014-11-06 02:30:36
@chaos46692: @MockTM Hey jerk, horses totally have feelings!
2014-11-06 02:31:08
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Horses are sensitive you know… don’t want to hurt their feelings like that.
2014-11-06 02:31:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM And now we’ve found the zip-lining minigame of the movie.
2014-11-06 02:31:48
@CA7746: @MockTM Fall, Fall, Fall. -_- NO! DON’T FALL AND LIVE!
2014-11-06 02:32:21
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM um… could… could someone give me a push please…?
2014-11-06 02:32:25
@leilah: @mocktm Ok, I actually feel sorry for those two. That water is FREEZING.
2014-11-06 02:32:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM And they are surprised because?
2014-11-06 02:32:39
@leilah: @mocktm “I am a god, my king.”?
2014-11-06 02:32:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM The King does not know how to delegate.
2014-11-06 02:33:33
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM You had one job…
2014-11-06 02:33:38
@leilah: @mocktm Imperial Law? Well, actually, it’s about ethics in games journalism.
2014-11-06 02:34:54
@szvan: @MockTM Gotta hate these receiving room lawyers.
2014-11-06 02:34:56
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM neener neener no punchbacks!
2014-11-06 02:34:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Unless the King specifically orders it, you cannot touch me.” “OK. Your Majesty, your nephew is being a dick. Can I smack him?”
2014-11-06 02:35:11
@chaos46692: @MockTM oh yeah, well I’M NOT TOUCHING YOUI’M NOT TOUCHING YOU I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU
2014-11-06 02:35:17
@szvan: @MockTM I thought you felt him coming.
2014-11-06 02:35:50
@leilah: @mocktm She’s broken the cardinal rule. Never sleep with Ray Liotta.
2014-11-06 02:36:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m not Charlotte”?
2014-11-06 02:36:22
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM #notyourharlot. Medieval wing of GG?
2014-11-06 02:36:31
@szvan: @MockTM Gotta come and go quietly, you know.
2014-11-06 02:36:46
@leilah: @mocktm The almighty king and his maggots? Oh, magus. Enunciate, people, enunciate!
2014-11-06 02:36:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Be still”, and then he leaves. O-o-kaaayyyy….
2014-11-06 02:37:39
@blakestacey: @leilah @szvan @MockTM That’s what I heard, too.
2014-11-06 02:38:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM Before he was King, he was Duke of Doesnotgiveashitshire.
2014-11-06 02:38:34
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM drinking at 9am is a perfectle responsible action to take wrt this movie.
2014-11-06 02:39:49
@leilah: @mocktm “By the way, neither is pouring red wine on the carpet.”
2014-11-06 02:40:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM One does not simply hike into Sedgwick Forest!
2014-11-06 02:40:26
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Peoples say there are things… you know…. in that place. That’s helpful.
2014-11-06 02:40:51
@leilah: @mocktm Oh no! Elves!
2014-11-06 02:40:54
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing they could take that shortcut through the Stargate.
2014-11-06 02:40:55
@leilah: @mocktm Oh. What, really? *sighs*
2014-11-06 02:41:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Ack! We are besieged by circus performers!
2014-11-06 02:41:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM Artoo! See if you can cut through!
2014-11-06 02:41:52
@chaos46692: @MockTM Sedgwick Forest, by Cirque du Soleil
2014-11-06 02:42:39
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Forest Misandry!
2014-11-06 02:42:56
@szvan: @MockTM What court? There are fewer than a dozen people in this castle.
2014-11-06 02:43:47
@leilah: @mocktm See, you should only eat cooked food – avoid salads and cut fruit.
2014-11-06 02:44:29
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Ugh I’m dying… I knew I shouldn’t have drunk so much for breakfast!
2014-11-06 02:44:48
@leilah: @mocktm “Enough with the slutshaming, Dad!”
2014-11-06 02:47:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Thanks to you, the kingdom may be lost!” WOMEN, AMIRITE?!
2014-11-06 02:47:59
@CA7746: @MockTM The kingdon may be lost. All for want of a nail.
2014-11-06 02:48:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM STATELY WAYNE MANOR
2014-11-06 02:49:08
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM We’re not prejuidiced. We hate everyone equally. Even me. God I can’t stand me!
2014-11-06 02:49:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’ve been poisoned!” “Pssh. Everybody knows the way you poison a king is through his ear.”
2014-11-06 02:49:49
@szvan: @MockTM “He took the 11th and 12th legions, two-thirds of your army, my king.”
2014-11-06 02:50:15
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Your life is coming to a close… *shrug* meh
2014-11-06 02:50:52
@leilah: @mocktm “Great rescue, love. I should have known better than to marry a Farmer.”
2014-11-06 02:51:35
@leilah: @mocktm Wait. How long IS this movie? The hell?
2014-11-06 02:52:07
@CA7746: @MockTM “Our king proudly fights: In the name of Ehh!”
2014-11-06 02:52:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Today we celebrate our continuation of feudalism day!”
2014-11-06 02:52:12
@CA7746: @MockTM “God blesses those who die for honor and TRUTH!” – That’s what this war’s about!?
2014-11-06 02:52:24
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM I’m curious about you Farmer. How do you get such high crop yields with no machines or fertilizer?
2014-11-06 02:53:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, what the villain sees in the nameless protagonist is the same thing Edward Cullen sees in Bella?
2014-11-06 02:53:48
@szvan: @MockTM If you’re really looking for answers, you might not want to strangle the guy you’re interrogating. Just sayin’.
2014-11-06 02:53:49
@CA7746: @MockTM EMOTE. HARDER!
2014-11-06 02:54:31
@leilah: @mocktm “Radiateur…”
2014-11-06 02:55:06
@leilah: @mocktm Wait, he’s not Farmer! He’s… Sandy!
2014-11-06 02:55:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “They call him the Farmer. He has no name, so that Death cannot find him.”
2014-11-06 02:56:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Don’t die on me! Not done, not done at all!”
2014-11-06 02:56:19
@leilah: @mocktm Bad guy lives in Hogwarts?
2014-11-06 02:56:23
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Farmer will find you. -How do you know? –Because pseudonymous characters always do thing like that.
2014-11-06 02:56:38
@chaos46692: @MockTM half way through and my wife hasn’t yelled about a horse being lame so I guess this pile of crap isn’t *all* bad
2014-11-06 02:57:27
@leilah: @mocktm Did she stab the mirror while she was trying to stab herself?
2014-11-06 02:58:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM Um, where did that outfit come from?
2014-11-06 02:58:45
@Misantropey: I keep forgetting about @MockTM. Although today is an Uwe Boll movie, so I can only feel so bad about missing it.
2014-11-06 02:59:09
@leilah: @mocktm Well, maggots are dirt-lovers, so it totally makes sense.
2014-11-06 02:59:42
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Put this man in the king’s tent… king’s feeling a bit… frisky today.
2014-11-06 03:00:00
@chaos46692: @MockTM at least they take care of their horses
2014-11-06 03:00:13
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, come ON.
2014-11-06 03:00:17
@szvan: @MockTM I guess his name is “Prince” now.
2014-11-06 03:00:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM I’m shocked. Shocked. No, really. This IS my shocked face.
2014-11-06 03:01:28
@leilah: @mocktm “He can’t be my son. He doesn’t look bored enough.”
2014-11-06 03:01:38
@chaos46692: @szvan @MockTM but is he funky?
2014-11-06 03:01:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Sometimes the gods know what is best for us… Sometimes.
2014-11-06 03:02:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What kind of joke do the gods play on me?” “Well, look at it this way: he’s better than your nephew.”
2014-11-06 03:02:24
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM dammit you were supposed to have killed all of my illegitimate brats in that village already. What gives?
2014-11-06 03:02:53
@DrRubidium: @MockTM son of a bitch! When will I learn it’s 9PM EST!!!
2014-11-06 03:03:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Dude. Your interests may actually align in this matter.
2014-11-06 03:03:28
@leilah: @DrRubidium @MockTM It’s not too late, there’s still an hour left!
2014-11-06 03:03:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We’re attacking the people WHO HOLD YOUR FAMILY PRISONER. Think about it.”
2014-11-06 03:03:58
@szvan: @DrRubidium @MockTM S’okay. There’s still all too much left.
2014-11-06 03:04:00
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM So… um… but that Imperial Order that this guy can’t hit me is still in place. Right uncle?
2014-11-06 03:05:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM Did they just leave the usurping nephew alive? They had two whole legions to kill one guy.
2014-11-06 03:05:51
@chaos46692: @MockTM how oh how is there still an hour left in this movie?
2014-11-06 03:05:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM I guess it wouldn’t be a generic fantasy pastiche without ninjas.
2014-11-06 03:06:35
@leilah: @blakestacey @MockTM I’m waiting for the pirates, myself.
2014-11-06 03:06:55
@szvan: @MockTM But why don’t the ninjas have boomerangs too?
2014-11-06 03:06:59
@leilah: @mocktm “Oh no! They have MOLES!”
2014-11-06 03:07:42
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Aaaaahhh the Mole People are attacking!
2014-11-06 03:07:46
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Um, this movie has not one, but TWO sequels.
2014-11-06 03:07:56
@chaos46692: @MockTM wait, tree ninjas? WTF?
2014-11-06 03:08:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM Things are going to come bursting out of the ground? Ooh, ooh, I’ve got one for this:
2014-11-06 03:08:21
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I’m skipping to the 1:08 marker. Will I miss anything important? #doubtful
2014-11-06 03:08:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM [stabs thing in the ground] “You should have turned left at Albuquerque.”
2014-11-06 03:08:39
@leilah: @blakestacey @MockTM *applause*
2014-11-06 03:08:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Historical Note: The Joan of Arc thing didn’t end well.
2014-11-06 03:09:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM DA DA DA DA DUM DUM DA DUM DA DA DA DA [flourish of trumpets]
2014-11-06 03:09:25
@JoakimZglr: @k_hanfelt @leilah @MockTM Mole people? Mexicans? Also, that sounds delicious.
2014-11-06 03:09:32
@szvan: @CA7746 @MockTM Neither did the movie where Sobeiski played her.
2014-11-06 03:10:05
@DrRubidium: @MockTM did I just land in a LOTR knock-off staring Burt Reynolds?
2014-11-06 03:10:13
@chaos46692: @MockTM Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn!
2014-11-06 03:10:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM BA BA DA DA DA BA DIDDLE-DUM DA DA GROWL STAB PUNCH
2014-11-06 03:10:23
@chaos46692: @DrRubidium @MockTM Faith in humanity… lost
2014-11-06 03:10:46
@leilah: @DrRubidium @MockTM And you didn’t even have to watch the first hour to spot that. =) Lucky!
2014-11-06 03:10:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Why is Jason Statham still wearing a shirt?
2014-11-06 03:10:54
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing the baddies line up directly in the line of the ninja group choreography.
2014-11-06 03:11:39
@leilah: @mocktm The bad guys have _way_ better armour. Maybe the good guys should have gone with substance over shininess.
2014-11-06 03:11:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this movie has 500% more black people in it than LOTR #Aglining
2014-11-06 03:11:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Fiery catapaults in a forest. *sigh* Siege engines do not work that way!
2014-11-06 03:12:00
@CA7746: @MockTM Flinging flaming foot soldiers into foliage. . #Strategery
2014-11-06 03:12:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Next time maybe try the flaming catapulting thing first?
2014-11-06 03:12:35
@szvan: @MockTM Braid first, then helmet.
2014-11-06 03:12:49
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Quick someone set me on fire… I want to give this sweet catapult ride a try!
2014-11-06 03:12:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM Stop, drop and roll ye!
2014-11-06 03:12:59
@leilah: @CA7746 @MockTM It’s confuse-a-cat!
2014-11-06 03:13:00
@DrRubidium: @MockTM those are very dramatic sounding arrows. They may actually have the best dialogue in this movie.
2014-11-06 03:13:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM No one calls out the order, “Go after the guy on the horse!”?
2014-11-06 03:14:24
@DrRubidium: @MockTM when are the rest of the goodfellas gonna show up already? Joe Pesci?
2014-11-06 03:14:46
@szvan: @MockTM Uh-huh. Nephew there ever practiced any archery.
2014-11-06 03:15:23
@DrRubidium: @MockTM why is Shaggy so mad? Does he need a Scooby Snack?
2014-11-06 03:15:37
@leilah: @mocktm Wow, it’s almost like Liotta is playing a *gasp* video game!
2014-11-06 03:15:38
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM nephew should really lay off the early morning booze if he’s serious about this assassination thing.
2014-11-06 03:16:01
@chaos46692: @MockTM oh yeah you can TOTALLY shoot a horse with an arrow and they’ll keep running. Noooooooo problem
2014-11-06 03:16:05
@szvan: @MockTM Yep. I’m as surprised as he is.
2014-11-06 03:16:28
@leilah: @mocktm He looks more shocked than anyone that he made that shot.
2014-11-06 03:16:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM “NOW THIS REALLY STATHAMS MY FACE!!!”
2014-11-06 03:17:30
@DrRubidium: @MockTM John Rhys-Davies! I love him! #whenbadmovieshappentogoodactors
2014-11-06 03:17:58
@szvan: @MockTM Anyone listening to Liotta reminded of gamer gators?
2014-11-06 03:18:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM What’s Hellboy doing in a basket?
2014-11-06 03:18:40
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM hahaha… I admit that was a cool headshot you scored against my minion but you still lose.
2014-11-06 03:18:40
@chaos46692: @MockTM JUST TAKE THE GIRTH OFF (finally got a good horsie comment)
2014-11-06 03:18:53
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I like how nobody is this movie is even attempting to put on an accent
2014-11-06 03:20:00
@leilah: @mocktm “How did this all start?” *blushes* “Well, she just swept me off my feet one day!”
2014-11-06 03:20:14
@szvan: @MockTM @DrRubidium Oh, no. Lillard’s had about three.
2014-11-06 03:20:29
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM even the vines are doing a misandry now. Neat!
2014-11-06 03:20:31
@chaos46692: @MockTM I don’t know about you, but I totally look like that when I’m swinging on a vine
2014-11-06 03:21:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM why is Peter Pan fighting with Shaggy? This movie.
2014-11-06 03:21:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Just kill the doofus now, girlfriend. Not like he serves a purpose.
2014-11-06 03:21:52
@leilah: @mocktm He’s just playing dead, he really wants out of this movie.
2014-11-06 03:22:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM When was it ever shown he wanted a courageous death?
2014-11-06 03:22:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Seems to me he just wanted to fuck with those who fucked with his, y’know?
2014-11-06 03:22:55
@leilah: @mocktm Statham’s just pissed because he can’t die his way out of this film.
2014-11-06 03:22:58
@szvan: @MockTM Burt, I got a script for you. It’s perfect. It’s like 10% death scene.
2014-11-06 03:23:11
@CA7746: @MockTM So many candles for a tent.
2014-11-06 03:23:35
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Why is Stathams shirt still on? Seriously.
2014-11-06 03:23:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Basically, what I’m trying to say is, you’re a lot better than my nephew.”
2014-11-06 03:24:18
@leilah: @mocktm So… I’m seaweed?
2014-11-06 03:25:11
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, hell, I thought it was a metaphor.
2014-11-06 03:25:37
@CA7746: @MockTM So many candles!
2014-11-06 03:25:51
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “How do you know these things?” “I’m Burt motherfucking Reynolds, that’s how.”
2014-11-06 03:26:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Peace. It’s our profession.”
2014-11-06 03:26:22
@szvan: @MockTM Now I know why this movie is so damned long.
2014-11-06 03:26:38
@chaos46692: @MockTM Wisdom? That’s not the way I heard it http://t.co/CkeGqQDe7o
2014-11-06 03:26:38
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM You have to know these things when you’re king you know. Now what was that you were saying about sheep’s bladders preventing quakes?
2014-11-06 03:26:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You don’t understand! My face can’t take much more Statham than this!”
2014-11-06 03:26:49
@leilah: @mocktm Noooo! Not slow motion! You’ll make it longer!
2014-11-06 03:27:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM “My son.” ALL THE TRUMPET-GASMS
2014-11-06 03:27:11
@leilah: @mocktm *simper*
2014-11-06 03:28:51
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM how many drinks has he had already???
2014-11-06 03:29:36
@leilah: @mocktm Aw, he’s pretty. =)
2014-11-06 03:29:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM Dude. He’s a traitor. Live up to your time period. Go medieval on his ass.
2014-11-06 03:30:14
@leilah: @mocktm Well, SOMEONE kill him!
2014-11-06 03:30:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Wow. History made it seem that royal succession was super tricky and stuff. That seemed totes easy.
2014-11-06 03:31:58
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Long live the King! Where did I put that wine flask?
2014-11-06 03:32:11
@szvan: @MockTM Dude. You’re harshing his mellow.
2014-11-06 03:32:27
@leilah: @mocktm Camden ‘Farmer’ Konreid?
2014-11-06 03:32:47
@leilah: @mocktm “But how will we defeat evil? We only have half an hour left!”
2014-11-06 03:33:34
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Tonight we bury our dead… now with even more thrilling music!
2014-11-06 03:33:55
@szvan: @MockTM Nah. He hasn’t been in her in days.
2014-11-06 03:34:25
@DrRubidium: @MockTM all dirt, sweat, and tears for this movie were purchased at Crate & Barrel
2014-11-06 03:34:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I sense him in you.” Ewwwwwwww.
2014-11-06 03:34:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM A funeral fit for a King. In a…I’m guessing, disused rice paddy?
2014-11-06 03:36:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM “But what good are stunt fighters against a thing like that?”
2014-11-06 03:37:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Liotta’s leather coat is pretty tight. Is that Tom Ford?
2014-11-06 03:38:07
@leilah: @mocktm Ahh, the stunning beauty of clearcuts in the spring.
2014-11-06 03:39:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We will fight with you. And then we wish to be left boobs.”
2014-11-06 03:39:19
@leilah: @mocktm Someone get this guy some more scenery to chew.
2014-11-06 03:39:54
@CA7746: @MockTM What use does a mage have for candles? Sooo many candles.
2014-11-06 03:40:08
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM we still hate all men but we’ll join you. Because it’s clear that’s where the man-face-punching opportunity is.
2014-11-06 03:40:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Do you understand nothing?” “With this script, who knows?”
2014-11-06 03:40:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, that seems like a thing he could have done a long time ago.
2014-11-06 03:41:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Sir, do you think it would help if I Stathamed my face?”
2014-11-06 03:42:14
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM rainproof torches. O_o
2014-11-06 03:42:20
@leilah: @mocktm Rangers ready! Ninjas ready!
2014-11-06 03:42:23
@DrRubidium: @MockTM pretty sure 15% of the white guys in US have that psuedo-Celtic knot on the floor tattooed on their arm
2014-11-06 03:42:27
@CA7746: @MockTM Protip: Boulders have a poor mass-to-mayhem ratio. Do not haul tons of rock into battle.
2014-11-06 03:43:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You can’t reason with him.” “But I should at least be able to English at him.”
2014-11-06 03:44:21
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM there is a cave… the cave of Caer Bannog… oh sorry I was reading a decent script. My bad.
2014-11-06 03:44:38
@CA7746: @MockTM “I knew you’d come, old friend.” “I told you I would.”
2014-11-06 03:44:46
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Statham still has his shirt on. I don’t understand this movie.
2014-11-06 03:47:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We shall have no word for madness. We shall simply call it…pudding.”
2014-11-06 03:47:25
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM funny thing about krug – they don’t have a king. But I am. Which means I don’t exist. You can’t beat my flawless logic!
2014-11-06 03:47:55
@szvan: @MockTM We’re at the top of a slippery hill that our enemies haven’t managed to top. We should change that.
2014-11-06 03:47:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’re here. Can you, like, cast Heal or something?”
2014-11-06 03:48:41
@CA7746: @MockTM Take the last of my power. There can be only one.
2014-11-06 03:48:49
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “You gonna fight or talk me to death?” Thank Christ somebody finally said it.
2014-11-06 03:49:29
@leilah: @blakestacey @mocktm I can’t remember much, but I’m _positive_ this game had healing spells.
2014-11-06 03:49:31
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM wait a minute she can’t just randomly change her class to magic user… she’s still wearing metal armor!
2014-11-06 03:50:16
@DrRubidium: @MockTM what is it with always raining during a key battle? Where are they fighting, Seattle?
2014-11-06 03:50:45
@szvan: @MockTM @DrRubidium Vancouver. Same difference.
2014-11-06 03:51:09
@leilah: @szvan @MockTM @DrRubidium Exactly.
2014-11-06 03:51:23
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, great, he’s a cannibal too?
2014-11-06 03:51:49
@leilah: @mocktm How does he SMILE like that? Stop smiling!! Augh!
2014-11-06 03:52:10
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Statham tortured by books is… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2014-11-06 03:52:11
@DrRubidium: @MockTM homeboy is rocking one hell of a weave
2014-11-06 03:53:27
@szvan: @MockTM Let’s fight here. It’s scenic.
2014-11-06 03:53:29
@leilah: @mocktm “Whee, I’m a tiger! Rawr!”
2014-11-06 03:53:50
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM ok wait there flying guy… give me a chance to climbnthe stairs after you.
2014-11-06 03:54:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM Man, reshelving those is gonna be a paaaaainnn
2014-11-06 03:54:19
@leilah: @mocktm Damn, they killed the guy with all the hair.
2014-11-06 03:54:41
@chaos46692: @MockTM BOOKNADO!
2014-11-06 03:55:17
@leilah: @mocktm “We’re actually really nice, we were just misled. Sorry, guys, sorry, we’ll show ourselves out.”
2014-11-06 03:56:34
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, and by the way, you’re queen.
2014-11-06 03:57:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Muriella the warrior-mage has accomplished… what, attempted book burning!?
2014-11-06 03:57:14
@leilah: @mocktm One last shot of the mountain pine beetle devastation. Nice touch.
2014-11-06 03:57:26
@leilah: @mocktm All that money and this song sounds like it’s being played on a cheap Casio.
2014-11-06 03:58:08
@chaos46692: @MockTM well that was certainly… something
2014-11-06 03:58:15
@szvan: @MockTM Make that music stoooooop!
2014-11-06 03:58:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, friends. it was terrible. But because not all the women were completely useless and not all the heroes were white…
2014-11-06 03:58:24
@chaos46692: @szvan @MockTM OMG it’s so anoying!
2014-11-06 03:59:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM …it must be said: it was better than THE LAST AIRBENDER. https://t.co/vAw6rMfYqR
2014-11-06 03:59:37
@szvan: @chaos46692 @MockTM Choose one: Trad instrumentation or prog rock vocal stylings.
2014-11-06 04:00:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM End credits theme by carousing filkers at 3 AM on the third night of Arisia
2014-11-06 04:00:24
@CA7746: @MockTM Rhys-Davies got a nice teleport effect at least.
2014-11-06 04:00:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM Robert Redford was a “genny operator”? The fuck?
2014-11-06 04:01:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM I think this drum part is what Frank Zappa called the Qaalude Crescendo
2014-11-06 04:01:56
@CA7746: @MockTM “Special effects contact lenses”
2014-11-06 04:02:07
@leilah: @mocktm Well, this movie fed a lot of locals at least. I’ll give it that. =) And the black guys lived!
2014-11-06 04:02:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM This music is like LiveJournal poetry and Foreigner met and had a baby which they raised very poorly
2014-11-06 04:02:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “But my ears / can they hear / to the end of the credits”
2014-11-06 04:03:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because nothing says “medieval fantasy” quite like wailing on an electric guitar
2014-11-06 04:04:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Is there anyone here / who knows how it feels / to watch to the end of this schlock”
2014-11-06 04:04:33
@CA7746: @MockTM Visual Effects by… … … … …
2014-11-06 04:04:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, lord. There’s another song. FIRE. BURN. FIRE. BURN. Strangely enough, that captures my feelings pretty well.
2014-11-06 04:05:23
@leilah: @mocktm Hammerfall. Oh, for crying out loud.
2014-11-06 04:05:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The credits last forever! And moments of silence just before you get a drink”
2014-11-06 04:05:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The credits last forever [FIRE BURN] The credits last forever more”
2014-11-06 04:06:20
@CA7746: @MockTM Just throw names at the screen now.
2014-11-06 04:06:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM CASIO THUNDER
2014-11-06 04:06:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM FIRE BURN THE FIRE BURNS FOREVER MAKE IT STOP OH SWEET JESUS THE LOGOS ARE COMING FIRE FIRE BURN AAAAH
2014-11-06 04:07:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM ::long sigh:: “He went like one that hath been stunned, And is of sense forlorn: A sadder and a wiser man He rose the morrow morn.”
2014-11-06 04:08:45
@CA7746: @MockTM I… feel strange. Like there’s something missing. There are no sword clashes. The clashes are gone. I am free.
2014-11-06 04:09:53
@leilah: @CA7746 @MockTM Phew. *relaxes*
2014-11-06 04:15:27
@SKiNNYiLL: @k_hanfelt @MockTM “The man-face-punching opportunity” needs to be the name of a band of a circus or something for the love of God.
2014-11-06 04:15:53