Mock The Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon transcript

The answer during any Mock The Movie instance to the question “what have I missed so far” is invariably “not much”. However, in this one, there WAS a John Barrowman ad-lib that made it to the final cut that you need to hear to believe. Said ad-lib was apparently an attempt by Barrowman to make the lead actress laugh; it failed, and the director kept it.

@lousycanuck: It’s Shark Week, and you know what that means. Time to mock a movie starring John Barrowman. Like you do. @MockTM
2014-08-07 00:44:53
@lousycanuck: Okay, it’s CLOSE ENOUGH TO Shark Week. Whatever. @MockTM
2014-08-07 00:45:11
@dispecta: @lousycanuck @MockTM John Barrowman AND sharks?!
2014-08-07 00:56:24
@lousycanuck: @dispecta @MockTM Yes to the former, MAYBE to the latter! 😀
2014-08-07 00:58:05
@DrRubidium: .@MockTM and a bourbon sour #letsdothis
2014-08-07 01:00:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM “No image”? Isn’t that rather self-defeating?
2014-08-07 01:00:26
@CarlieP: @MockTM Yes! I can finally make it to a showing again!
2014-08-07 01:01:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This whole rebranding effort by Old Image to be new and edgy is really working for them. Eighties-riffic.
2014-08-07 01:01:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shark Attack 3: The Enmegalodonening
2014-08-07 01:01:11
@DrRubidium: @MockTM David, I’m not sure you should claim this movie, yo
2014-08-07 01:01:16
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, no! We need to watch the first two. We’ll be lost!
2014-08-07 01:01:41
@leilah: @mocktm Is “bountress” even a word?
2014-08-07 01:01:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Alpha team, what’s your status?” “Cruising for chicks, over.” “Beta team, what’s your status?” “Mangina Squad is crying, over.”
2014-08-07 01:01:49
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that is a lotta technical sounding bullshit
2014-08-07 01:01:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fittingly, the movie begins in the abysmal depths.
2014-08-07 01:02:00
@dispecta: @lousycanuck @MockTM keep me apprised. 😊
2014-08-07 01:02:21
@DrRubidium: @MockTM cranky old white guy? ✓
2014-08-07 01:02:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That’s a five mile dropoff so remind him not to do any sexing!” “Sir, please look to your speech impediment.”
2014-08-07 01:03:01
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM Oh, I’m so glad I’m not the only one who heard that.
2014-08-07 01:03:25
@DrRubidium: @MockTM SOMETHING IS THERE?! Yes, the one black actor? Soon to die?
2014-08-07 01:03:41
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a big shark with radio jamming capabilities!
2014-08-07 01:04:05
@SouthernHeathen: @lousycanuck @MockTM bummed I’m missing this one. Truly fine shark work there. Puts Sharknado to shame.
2014-08-07 01:04:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM Meanwhile, just below the surface of a nearby swimming pool
2014-08-07 01:04:43
@szvan: @MockTM And now we party!
2014-08-07 01:04:45
@leilah: @mocktm Was that shark singing the Oompa Loompa song?
2014-08-07 01:04:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM bring on the tequila shots and unnecessary nudity!
2014-08-07 01:04:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM Playa del Generic
2014-08-07 01:04:55
@CarlieP: @mocktm Sharks say “ooga ooga”?!
2014-08-07 01:05:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Welcome to the Famous Moustaches of the Ages exhibit here at beautiful Playa Del Ray
2014-08-07 01:05:25
@CarlieP: @MockTM Baby Barrowman!
2014-08-07 01:06:02
@DrRubidium: @mockTM that eyeroll Barrowman did was toward his agent
2014-08-07 01:06:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fun fact: the background music was actually scored for xylophone and cocktail umbrella
2014-08-07 01:06:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey cinematographer, do you think you could glue together all this plot with gratuitous shots of topless ladies? Thanks!
2014-08-07 01:07:00
@szvan: @MockTM I do sympathize with Barrowman’s constant nervous laughter.
2014-08-07 01:07:08
@DrRubidium: @MockTM who isn’t Barrowman’s bitch?
2014-08-07 01:07:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM El Guapo is John Barrowman’s bitch.
2014-08-07 01:07:25
@CA7746: @MockTM Don’t look at me! I can’t drive the boat when you look at me.
2014-08-07 01:08:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Your marlin kill just got ninja’d by some PVPer in shark armor.
2014-08-07 01:08:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Risking your buddy’s job for the cockroaches of the sea
2014-08-07 01:09:16
@DrRubidium: @MockTM pretty sure that is Sea World’s ‘swim the the fishes’ tank
2014-08-07 01:09:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nobody worry about Barrowman going into the water with Megalodon around. Dude will just flirt with it, make it his bitch too.
2014-08-07 01:09:42
@szvan: @MockTM Mmm cooked sea roaches.
2014-08-07 01:09:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look out, the DOOM MUSIC!!!
2014-08-07 01:10:27
@CA7746: @MockTM Ah, the rare fiber optic coral.
2014-08-07 01:10:41
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I’m not sure why he’s brought a kitchen knife, but okay
2014-08-07 01:10:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’M’A CUT YOU MAN!”
2014-08-07 01:10:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay movie, ya got me. But don’t tell me the big shark’s *supposed* to be fake.
2014-08-07 01:11:40
@leilah: @mocktm That shark’s tooth is SO Barrowman’s bitch.
2014-08-07 01:11:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM why does Barrowman still have his shirt on?
2014-08-07 01:12:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Searching for Shark Teeth on the Shark Teeth Search Engine using Netscape Navigator.
2014-08-07 01:12:20
@leilah: @mocktm What the heck crummy kind of ID site is… oh, 2002. Never mind.
2014-08-07 01:12:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that camera is MAGIC. It scanned the tooth before it took a picture.
2014-08-07 01:12:35
@szvan: @MockTM Can I have a camera with instant finger-erasing capabilities?
2014-08-07 01:12:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM “This page on ‘monster bits’ is a stub. You can help by expanding it — try exposure to gamma rays!”
2014-08-07 01:12:45
@CarlieP: @mocktm Oh no, that was NOT the picture he just took.
2014-08-07 01:12:55
@DrRubidium: @MockTM creepily lit museum? ✓ creepy security guard? ✓
2014-08-07 01:13:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why don’t *urp* you take a break?”
2014-08-07 01:13:30
@szvan: @MockTM I bet she doesn’t look any better with her glasses off and her shirt collar loosened.
2014-08-07 01:13:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Get back in the kitchen and make yourself a sandwich!”
2014-08-07 01:13:47
@CarlieP: @mocktm If this was an Asylum movie, it would have been a shark that came out at that security guard.
2014-08-07 01:13:49
2014-08-07 01:13:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh my god. Look at his tooth. It is so. big.”
2014-08-07 01:14:35
@DrRubidium: @MockTM OH. MY. GOD. Now we know who the lady love interest is
2014-08-07 01:14:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Oh my God. He didn’t even bother to include an indication of scale!”
2014-08-07 01:14:42
@szvan: @MockTM I’m sure he’s a very nice man.
2014-08-07 01:15:00
@CA7746: @MockTM Kick him. Kick him.
2014-08-07 01:15:18
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Um, is Barrowman wearing a fanny pack?! THE HORROR
2014-08-07 01:15:23
@CarlieP: @mocktm Should someone tell @Team_Barrowman to also follow and snark on Shark Attack 3 as we’re watching it now?
2014-08-07 01:15:33
@leilah: @mocktm That really couldn’t look much less like a megalodon tooth.
2014-08-07 01:15:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Sharks are always biting things. That’s science, yo
2014-08-07 01:15:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Kick himmm…
2014-08-07 01:15:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nice shark tooth. Be a real shame if something were to happen to it.”
2014-08-07 01:16:09
@DrRubidium: @MockTM skinny dipping ALWAYS lead to death. ALWAYS.
2014-08-07 01:16:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yay, naked frolicking that will result in death!!!
2014-08-07 01:16:55
@CarlieP: @mocktm Was that keeping the “beaches” safe, or…?
2014-08-07 01:17:04
@leilah: @mocktm “C’mon! Stop over-dubbing your voice!”
2014-08-07 01:17:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM siiiiiiiiigh
2014-08-07 01:17:27
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this Mexican accents are the most unbelievable part of this damn movie.
2014-08-07 01:17:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nice going, way to ruin the mood, shark block.
2014-08-07 01:18:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Dead eyes, like a prop’s eyes…”
2014-08-07 01:18:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Really, you couldn’t figure that out using your memory, you had to compare the megalodon tooth to the sand shark manually!?
2014-08-07 01:18:59
@szvan: @MockTM Does Barrowman actually have a job? With a title?
2014-08-07 01:19:03
@CarlieP: @DrRubidium @MockTM What choo mean?
2014-08-07 01:19:09
@DrRubidium: @MockTM 2nd most unbelievable thing – sex on sand or in salt water. #rookiemistake
2014-08-07 01:19:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hi, I’m from the San Diego aquarium, and I’m your scheduled love interest.”
2014-08-07 01:19:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM From a tooth, she knows it’s rare and nomadic subspecies of Mako. VIA SCIENCE.
2014-08-07 01:20:01
2014-08-07 01:20:04
@leilah: @mocktm Okay, I think I’m going to pretend that this is Captain Jack, lying low on 2002 Earth. I’m hoping that will help…
2014-08-07 01:20:05
@szvan: @mocktm @DrRubidium But at least they were in deep water where they have nothing to push against.
2014-08-07 01:20:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hope you’re not flirting over there.” “Hah. Heh hah hah. That guy doesn’t know I’m gay.”
2014-08-07 01:20:51
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Seriously, why does Barrowman still have a shirt on
2014-08-07 01:20:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “as in the real McCoy”? Because that’s an expression real people use, ever.
2014-08-07 01:21:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, the 80s threw up ALL OVER this party.
2014-08-07 01:21:42
@DrRubidium: @MockTM cold-hearted blond scientist lady. Can’t believe Charlize Theron turned down this gem
2014-08-07 01:21:46
@leilah: @mocktm …are they singing that song phonetically?
2014-08-07 01:21:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM Please tell me a shark swims up the water slide and eats them oh please oh please
2014-08-07 01:22:35
@szvan: @MockTM The women in this movie sure get excited easily.
2014-08-07 01:22:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So gratuitous sex in a water slide scene pops them out right in the middle of a shark tank.
2014-08-07 01:22:55
@CarlieP: @mocktm That sign makes me think of Sesame Street: “Abierto! Cierado!”
2014-08-07 01:23:03
@szvan: @MockTM “Can someone check the shark’s mike? We’re getting weird mooing sounds.”
2014-08-07 01:23:22
@leilah: @mocktm OK, who the heck did the foley on this movie? I need to go kick them in the shins.
2014-08-07 01:23:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Thrilling dot-matrix action!
2014-08-07 01:23:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM RED LIGHTS, Y’ALL. Shit is about to get real
2014-08-07 01:23:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So I just swim around under this tube and snacks pop out at random intervals? Yeah, I could do that.”
2014-08-07 01:23:42
@DrRubidium: @szvan @MockTM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA #truefact
2014-08-07 01:24:00
@DrRubidium: @MockTM don’t do it, Chuck! DON’T DO IT
2014-08-07 01:24:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You pay code monkeys to create a physical redundancy? Yeah, you know nothing of IT.
2014-08-07 01:24:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why do I have the feeling that guy subsists on tacquitos?
2014-08-07 01:24:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You guys in search of Atlantis?” “Nope, wrong ocean.”
2014-08-07 01:25:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I think jeeps SHOULD implode if you drive them wrong. Would solve quite a few problems.
2014-08-07 01:25:34
@leilah: This is sooooo bad. Hey, @GentHecklers – I vote for a Shark Attack 3 night. I’m sure @RioTheatre will sell a lot of alcohol… @MockTM
2014-08-07 01:25:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “YOU BOYS LIKE MEXEECO?
2014-08-07 01:25:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM That’s Coronado Island, not Mexico
2014-08-07 01:25:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I can’t even parse “fucking A-Right man” “hey come on *double high five*”.
2014-08-07 01:26:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM tee hee unprofessional sexualization in the workplace so cute
2014-08-07 01:27:05
@szvan: @MockTM So she brought in the guys to make her job harder? That’s what I’m getting here.
2014-08-07 01:27:24
@DrRubidium: @MockTM size totally matters. #youneedabiggerboat
2014-08-07 01:27:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Wait, this isn’t chum, it’s watered-down borscht.”
2014-08-07 01:27:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That doesn’t sound suspiciously like the Jaws theme at all.
2014-08-07 01:28:32
@szvan: @MockTM Luckily, these men will be easily replaced with a tripod, providing the tripod can sexually harass someone.
2014-08-07 01:28:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What the hell? Something’s scarfing my denim!”
2014-08-07 01:29:01
@CarlieP: @Mocktm “How can we make Jaws music without getting sued? Get on that.”
2014-08-07 01:29:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM why does every camera in this damn movie make so much goddamn noise?
2014-08-07 01:29:21
@leilah: @mocktm “Fishing With Cameramen”
2014-08-07 01:29:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I need to get lower.” “Okay, you’re a terrible human being and you will never achieve any of your hopes or dreams.”
2014-08-07 01:29:59
@CarlieP: @mocktm Thank goodness “that’s what she said” wasn’t a catch phrase when this movie was written.
2014-08-07 01:30:08
@leilah: @mocktm No, seriously. The side bits at the base of the teeth should be longer.
2014-08-07 01:30:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No, look. Sharks are melee class. You need ranged and support.
2014-08-07 01:31:07
@CarlieP: @mocktm The shark sounds like a giant puffin.
2014-08-07 01:31:07
@leilah: @mocktm There’s a reason “you bet your balls” isn’t a phrase that’s used more often.
2014-08-07 01:31:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Holy gratuitous 80s swearing, we got this baby!”
2014-08-07 01:31:42
@leilah: @mocktm Don’t even think about it, movie.
2014-08-07 01:32:06
2014-08-07 01:32:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Stupid dog, not wanting to get killed.”
2014-08-07 01:32:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It bit his leg, then all that was LEFT was his leg. Okay.
2014-08-07 01:33:14
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, ok. Just the human dies. Works for me. =) Although I suppose the dog will be kind of lonely, that’ll suck for him.
2014-08-07 01:33:14
@szvan: @MockTM “Aaaaaugh! Look at these terrible bloody prosthetics!”
2014-08-07 01:33:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s been a shark attack.” “Come in. Join me in my Shark Cave – slash – sexatorium.”
2014-08-07 01:33:47
@CarlieP: @mocktm I just noticed this video has over two and a half million views. TWO AND A HALF MILLION.
2014-08-07 01:34:05
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, come on. Who wouldn’t lie to that face?
2014-08-07 01:34:16
@leilah: @mocktm “You lied to me about what kind of scientist you were?!?”
2014-08-07 01:34:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s a damn dinosaur! How did it get here?” #ObviousTARDISJokeIsObvious
2014-08-07 01:35:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ben, wait. We didn’t even sex.”
2014-08-07 01:35:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM um, it’s absolutely nothing like finding a T-rex in my backyard #justsayin
2014-08-07 01:35:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well SHE found it without a tag.
2014-08-07 01:35:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, didn’t the camera record the shark eating the Frisbee guy?
2014-08-07 01:36:14
@szvan: @MockTM I’m opting for the cruising around in circles.
2014-08-07 01:36:23
@DrRubidium: @MockTM dude, the shark is 15 ft? At 10 m it can’t bite you, yo
2014-08-07 01:36:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well at the first sign of trouble, I’m taking it out…” “Fair enough.” “… to dinner. And a movie.”
2014-08-07 01:36:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s her “stop questioning the premise of the movie” face.
2014-08-07 01:37:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed!”
2014-08-07 01:37:52
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “full throttle”? Really?
2014-08-07 01:38:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Due east… due east… Let’s see, we went west from the resort… Something strikes me as important… wait, it’ll come to me”
2014-08-07 01:38:15
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Nobody panic, but there is a big ass shark right behind you.”
2014-08-07 01:38:49
@CarlieP: @mocktm The lifeguard is in the blue box!
2014-08-07 01:39:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Shark! Everyone out of the water!” “WHAT? I’M SKEPTICAL! I DEMAND EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE!!!”
2014-08-07 01:39:08
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2014-08-07 01:39:44
@CarlieP: @MockTM Oh wait, wrong Barrowman show.
2014-08-07 01:39:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Faster! Faster! As in, moving at all!”
2014-08-07 01:39:47
@CA7746: @MockTM “Faster!” “I can’t drive while you’re looking at ME!”
2014-08-07 01:39:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The shark only buzzes the shore, while the boat plows onto shore and takes out a dozen bystanders.
2014-08-07 01:39:59
@DrRubidium: @MockTM really, dude? A 9mm?
2014-08-07 01:40:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You’re gonna need a bigger pea shooter.
2014-08-07 01:40:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “No, just keep intercutting shots of the same two things happening, it’s cool.”
2014-08-07 01:40:24
@CarlieP: @mocktm Something tells me that couple almost falling off the jetski when it hit the beach wasn’t intentional.
2014-08-07 01:40:53
@DrRubidium: @MockTM headed straight for that boat. If only there was a way to communicate with other boats…
2014-08-07 01:41:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, after the buffet closed early the shark has decided to go out for some fast food and beer.
2014-08-07 01:41:31
@CarlieP: @mocktm Shark and a parasailer? This looks like a Far Side cartoon setup.
2014-08-07 01:41:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Yep, they deserve their fate.
2014-08-07 01:42:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m imagining in outtakes he accidentally flings the binoculars.
2014-08-07 01:42:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM One dudebro down, one to go.
2014-08-07 01:42:40
@szvan: @MockTM Well, you know, lady, if you’d sped up when he told you to the first time….
2014-08-07 01:43:00
@DrRubidium: @MockTM At some point, somebody should contact the Coast Guard.
2014-08-07 01:43:12
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM I actually thought it looked like he remembered to hold them at the last half-second there!
2014-08-07 01:43:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Grabbed a bite, then took the rest in a take-out baggie.
2014-08-07 01:43:52
@leilah: @mocktm Bonus points if the shark slurps the line in like spaghetti in Lady & the Tramp.
2014-08-07 01:43:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Don’t worry about the parasailor, sharks have to keep moving.
2014-08-07 01:44:00
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this is the exact reason I’ve never parachuted off a speed boat.
2014-08-07 01:44:06
@CarlieP: @mocktm “I’ll just take this one home for later”
2014-08-07 01:44:08
@DrRubidium: @MockTM That “Oh my god!” was actually directed toward her agent
2014-08-07 01:44:37
@CarlieP: @mocktm “You’ll never believe what this lady rode on” Buzzfeed link
2014-08-07 01:44:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Go down and be not useless!”
2014-08-07 01:45:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hold on, hold on. No, that’s not holding on. Try again.
2014-08-07 01:45:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lady, you suck at the Crane Game too, I bet.
2014-08-07 01:45:26
@DrRubidium: @MockTM don’t cry now, sista girl. This is your motherfucking fault.
2014-08-07 01:45:46
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM “Is holding on the thing where you squeeze your hand tight? Or open it wide?”
2014-08-07 01:46:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM CHEW THAT SCENERY JOHN
2014-08-07 01:46:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We’ll have ourselves a panic on Cinco de Mayo!”
2014-08-07 01:46:19
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Barrowman’s cheekbones are the sharpest thing about this movie #whyishisshirtstillon
2014-08-07 01:46:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM John Barrowman has to chew the scenery because damn sure no SHARK is gonna do it.
2014-08-07 01:46:27
@CarlieP: @mocktm “You can’t handle the shark. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE SHARK!”
2014-08-07 01:46:37
2014-08-07 01:47:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM fuck that, Barrowman. She absolutely should blame herself
2014-08-07 01:47:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What’s running through that cable?” “Porn, mostly, I guess.”
2014-08-07 01:47:39
@szvan: @MockTM “It’s fiber optics. What runs through optics?”
2014-08-07 01:47:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Maybe we could entice the shark to bite the fibre optics, then upload a virus into it! CALL GOLDBLUM!
2014-08-07 01:47:57
@CA7746: @MockTM “Prehistoric?” “Nah. Intelligent design poofed the species last week.”
2014-08-07 01:48:04
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Yep, “electromagnetics”. Also known at SyFy as “the cause of 42.7% of all monster attacks”
2014-08-07 01:48:11
@CarlieP: @mocktm What’s running through that cable? Government secrets, that’s what. Sharks must be attracted to conspiracies.
2014-08-07 01:48:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM Electricity bleeding out of fiber optic cable. Because … science?
2014-08-07 01:48:34
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM I have asked myself that so many times…
2014-08-07 01:48:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM there won’t be any “Megs” on-hand. Cuz they’re extinct, yo.
2014-08-07 01:49:16
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Hacking! DRINK!
2014-08-07 01:49:28
@leilah: @mocktm Tali? Wait, is this a weird Doctor Who/Mass Effect crossover?
2014-08-07 01:49:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We don’t have enough proof! Or magnets inside fibre optic cables! What this movie needs is more hacking!! And churches!
2014-08-07 01:49:49
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Y’all don’t have time for prayer. You got a motherfucking shark to kill.
2014-08-07 01:49:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Do you have access?” “I will once I put on some Orbital and have a montage.”
2014-08-07 01:49:57
@CA7746: @MockTM I don’t see how burning down a church is gonna stop the shark.
2014-08-07 01:49:58
@CarlieP: @mocktm Are those special camouflage curtains?
2014-08-07 01:50:08
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Still, a strategy worth trying at least.
2014-08-07 01:50:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “C:DOSSHARK.EXE? What does that mean?”
2014-08-07 01:51:30
@DrRubidium: @MockTM conspiracy theory? ✓ #sonofabitch
2014-08-07 01:51:50
@CarlieP: @mocktm They’re labeled “management files”?!
2014-08-07 01:52:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You bred shark-o-raptors!”
2014-08-07 01:52:07
@leilah: @mocktm It’s a secret shark-attracting mechanism, isn’t it??
2014-08-07 01:52:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm “Including my friend! My unnamed friend!”
2014-08-07 01:53:09
@DrRubidium: @MockTM yes, that close-up of her breast was totally necessary
2014-08-07 01:53:20
@CA7746: @MockTM A) Not a lucky necklace. B) Personal effects aren’t finder’s keepers.
2014-08-07 01:53:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “My lawyers are the real sharks. The law firm of Mako, Tiger and Great White.”
2014-08-07 01:53:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM Emotional resonance of crucifix shot is slightly spoiled by HEY BOOBIES
2014-08-07 01:53:43
@CarlieP: @mocktm Yes, who would believe a disgruntled employee with confidential documents? Oh, 2002, you are so funny.
2014-08-07 01:53:44
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM ROFL
2014-08-07 01:53:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We’re gonna need a more strongly built boat.”
2014-08-07 01:54:34
@leilah: @mocktm Bad news, folks. Turns out they put the bolts in with wood glue.
2014-08-07 01:54:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM We’re nearly 55 minutes into this movie and Barrowman hasn’t made-out this anyone. Captain Jack, I hardly know you!
2014-08-07 01:55:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It blew rivets out of the boat but let’s hit it with a pointy stick! Got it! Yes! It’s all downhill from here!”
2014-08-07 01:55:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Asshole shark keeps shaking the camera!”
2014-08-07 01:55:16
@szvan: @MockTM Huh. As it turns out, Barrowman was hired for this film for his exquisite falling skills.
2014-08-07 01:55:25
@CarlieP: @mocktm I swear, that shark is someone saying “ooga”.
2014-08-07 01:55:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Let’s see, shotgun, shotgun … oh, hey, Triscuits.”
2014-08-07 01:56:07
@lousycanuck: @CarlieP @MockTM Are you sure it’s not “Moocow”?
2014-08-07 01:56:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Heeeeere’s sharkey!
2014-08-07 01:56:24
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM It could be!
2014-08-07 01:56:30
@CA7746: @MockTM Shark busts through hull: OH YEAH!
2014-08-07 01:56:34
@DrRubidium: @MockTM That shotgun a is single pump action. You ain’t got time to panic, honey.
2014-08-07 01:56:45
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, now he notices the screaming.
2014-08-07 01:56:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM The fuck did she throw her gun away for?
2014-08-07 01:56:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What? What? Someone’s been screaming for the past thirty seconds!?”
2014-08-07 01:56:54
@leilah: @mocktm I’m trying to figure out what the jaw-chomping noise is. Someone hitting a thing of celery with a rubber mallet?
2014-08-07 01:57:17
@CarlieP: @mocktm She’s holding the gun, she turns and points the gun at the shark, and … throws away the gun?
2014-08-07 01:57:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Clearly the Louisville Slugger is the natural predator of the megalodon. I don’t know why you didn’t try punching it first.
2014-08-07 01:57:42
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this movie needs 2-3 more black people. We all would have stayed in the resort and called the Coast Guard. #problemsolved
2014-08-07 01:57:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “OK, John, in this scene, your motivation is, ‘Hit the shark and swear repeatedly.'”
2014-08-07 01:58:03
@CarlieP: @mocktm Why can’t the shark eat him? Is it like the T-rex with the tiny arms in Meet The Robinsons and it can’t reach?
2014-08-07 01:58:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, if only they’d thought to try saying a trailer-fodder one-liner before!
2014-08-07 01:58:38
@CA7746: @MockTM Shark’s gone, now there’s a only huge hole in the boat…
2014-08-07 01:59:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, Eastside!” “WEST SIIIIIDE”
2014-08-07 01:59:04
@CarlieP: @mocktm That boat should be sinking quickly now, right?
2014-08-07 01:59:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Holy fucking shit! It’s a BOSS FIGHT!!”
2014-08-07 01:59:23
@szvan: @MockTM “Holy fucking shit! I’ve never seen CGI that awful!”
2014-08-07 01:59:26
@DrRubidium: @MockTM HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Wait, am I supposed to be laughing at a shark attack?
2014-08-07 01:59:26
@leilah: @mocktm MOM!!
2014-08-07 01:59:26
@CarlieP: @mocktm THAT WAS AMAZING
2014-08-07 01:59:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM All this time they’ve been fighting with Microlodon. SHOCKING SWERVE
2014-08-07 02:00:19
@CarlieP: @mockTM You’re gonna need a bigger shark.
2014-08-07 02:00:24
@szvan: @MockTM Exactly the same shark animation. Just different prey, differently sized.
2014-08-07 02:00:31
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Barrowman, you are so lucky Torchwood came along.
2014-08-07 02:00:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “White flare. Abnormal Titans. Veer to the right!”
2014-08-07 02:01:24
@szvan: @MockTM Cause your lady clothes don’t have any pockets.
2014-08-07 02:01:33
@leilah: @mocktm Look, just stop saying ‘Oh my god’… you’re clearly not getting any better at it.
2014-08-07 02:01:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM it’s totally taking out the helicopter
2014-08-07 02:01:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The shark is one by one taking out their every rescue attempt. Now it’s going to eat the helicopter. You know it’s gonna happen.
2014-08-07 02:01:54
@CarlieP: @mocktm I call shark eating the helicopter.
2014-08-07 02:01:58
@leilah: @DrRubidium @MockTM Fingers crossed.
2014-08-07 02:02:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Quickly Robin, fetch the Bat-Shark-Repellent from my utility belt!”
2014-08-07 02:02:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I know you kind of suck at this, but don’t let go!”
2014-08-07 02:02:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sadly, they’re in, the helicopter’s safe.
2014-08-07 02:02:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM damn. I was totally hoping for a classic Batman moment
2014-08-07 02:03:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What the Hell was that?” “You don’t want to know!” “Actually I kind of do!”
2014-08-07 02:03:15
@CA7746: @MockTM Goodbye ladder.
2014-08-07 02:03:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM dude, it’s not a dinosaur. I’m a chemist and even I know that, yo
2014-08-07 02:03:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm He just threw the ladder overboard! Those things are expensive!
2014-08-07 02:03:56
@CA7746: @MockTM “But… Imagine if you found a T-Rex in your back yard!”
2014-08-07 02:03:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TOOTH”
2014-08-07 02:03:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM And he doesn’t take the tooth with him because… ?
2014-08-07 02:04:10
@leilah: @mocktm Actually, you kind of didn’t mention quitting, John.
2014-08-07 02:04:22
@CarlieP: @mocktm He can’t blow the whistle when he left the tooth in the bad guy’s office.
2014-08-07 02:04:35
@leilah: @mocktm Call on the Doctor!!
2014-08-07 02:04:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So what do we do?” “Quick, call The A Team.”
2014-08-07 02:04:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that is some serious bullshit. The coast between North Mexico and SoCal is fucking patrolled within an inch
2014-08-07 02:04:56
@CA7746: @MockTM Guy with Bush/Cheney shrine at home plans to sabotage infrastructure with black market explosives. #Patriot
2014-08-07 02:05:04
@szvan: @MockTM I knew he reminded me of McCain.
2014-08-07 02:05:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why, exactly, would one leave something that could blow a hole in a battleship… IN A SCRAP HEAP.
2014-08-07 02:06:08
@leilah: @mocktm “Why was it decommissioned?” “Oh, sometimes they randomly explo*BOOOM*”
2014-08-07 02:06:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM dot dot dot
2014-08-07 02:07:17
@CarlieP: @mocktm Is this the famous line coming up?
2014-08-07 02:07:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where’d you learn to use a crossbow?” “Learn? I just MISSED you, and I was trying to MURDER you.”
2014-08-07 02:07:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I don’t know if I can forgive Barrowman for that.
2014-08-07 02:07:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM Pan over to the shark already
2014-08-07 02:07:43
@leilah: @mocktm Hell, even Captain Jack’s more subtle than THAT.
2014-08-07 02:07:44
2014-08-07 02:07:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM John, John, the pussy is a loooot lower than that.
2014-08-07 02:07:49
@szvan: @MockTM And the woman fucking Barrowman is the least excited woman in the movie.
2014-08-07 02:08:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Meanwhile, in a nearby bathtub
2014-08-07 02:08:05
@leilah: @mocktm “Sardines are in the can.” “I brought the crackers!”
2014-08-07 02:08:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, guys, the Radisson called; they want their lobby jazz back
2014-08-07 02:09:23
@CarlieP: @leilah @MockTM Crackers are a go. Repeat, crackers are a go!
2014-08-07 02:09:27
@DrRubidium: @MockTM seriously, I think I’ll be scarred for life from that line Barrowman dropped.
2014-08-07 02:09:34
@CarlieP: @mocktm How fortuitous, a joyride by the very company responsible for the shark problem.
2014-08-07 02:10:36
@lousycanuck: @mocktm That’s some plotworthy hubris, holding the luxury cruise when you KNOW your monster shark is fucking people up.
2014-08-07 02:10:45
@CarlieP: @DrRubidium @MockTM That line was literally the only thing I knew about this movie before watching it now.
2014-08-07 02:11:04
@leilah: @mocktm Is that wetsuit the closest to naked he’s getting in this? Or did I miss something?
2014-08-07 02:11:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Man, you must have sucked at the claw game.”
2014-08-07 02:11:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Barrowman has a woody from handling that box of Wonderflonium.
2014-08-07 02:11:53
@szvan: @MockTM If only letting the rookie handle the explosives were the most boggling part of this movie.
2014-08-07 02:12:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Now the dot-coms are all going under.” Last year’s news, today!
2014-08-07 02:12:39
@CarlieP: @mocktm Ack! Windows just tried to restart itself to update. NO.
2014-08-07 02:12:45
@leilah: @mocktm *bleep*
2014-08-07 02:12:47
@leilah: @mocktm “Ah, hell, this is the garage door opener. Where’s the remote?”
2014-08-07 02:13:34
@DrRubidium: @MockTM A network of fiber optics cables, you say?! It’s like we’re living in the future!
2014-08-07 02:14:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We’ve got a problem.” “Eh, I say let the Meg have a snack first. It’s only the humane thing to do.”
2014-08-07 02:14:59
@DrRubidium: @MockTM does the hot blond know she’s going to die?
2014-08-07 02:15:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM life vests? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
2014-08-07 02:15:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM On the side of the box is painted, “To Shark With Love”
2014-08-07 02:16:09
@CarlieP: @MockTM KNOCK KNOCK. “Candygram.”
2014-08-07 02:16:15
@DrRubidium: @MockTM is that submarine run by a PSI controller?
2014-08-07 02:16:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hold it steady. Hold it steady. HEY SHARK I SAID HOLD IT STEADY”
2014-08-07 02:16:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hold it steady! Need a one-liner, need a one-liner…”
2014-08-07 02:17:03
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that’s not turbulence, that called “being in a helicopter”
2014-08-07 02:17:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Always carry a spare! But don’t give one to the person who could benefit from it!”
2014-08-07 02:17:31
@szvan: @MockTM Can we just let him ride the torpedo out?
2014-08-07 02:17:45
@DrRubidium: @MockTM it’s like they don’t know how shockwaves work…
2014-08-07 02:18:09
@leilah: @mocktm …why do they have all these grenades again?
2014-08-07 02:18:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Three hundred grenades makes the same splash as one grenade.
2014-08-07 02:18:29
@CarlieP: @mocktm That toss wouldn’t even get the grenade off the boat!
2014-08-07 02:18:32
@szvan: @MockTM Nope. Not even Barrowman grunting.
2014-08-07 02:18:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Barrowman screaming, grunting and going “AWW YEAH” while handling his stick. This movie knew what to do with him.
2014-08-07 02:19:13
@szvan: @MockTM Nothing can save this movie.
2014-08-07 02:19:15
@DrRubidium: @MockTM oh sure, the one black person – in catering, no less – goes over the boat first. Of course.
2014-08-07 02:19:42
@CarlieP: @mocktm OH NO NOT SANTA
2014-08-07 02:19:48
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM if he says “pussy” one more time… I’m out.
2014-08-07 02:20:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM This gets a lot more entertaining if you imagine everyone on the yacht were John Galt’s elite captains of industry
2014-08-07 02:20:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well known fact: megasharks can’t bite through rubber.
2014-08-07 02:20:32
@szvan: @MockTM Who knew the megalodon could induce mass hysteria?
2014-08-07 02:20:36
@leilah: @mocktm “Quick, swim in opposite directions! It can’t eat us all!”
2014-08-07 02:20:41
@szvan: @MockTM He’s the same size as a boat! Or as 10 other people!
2014-08-07 02:21:24
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Girl, why you crying? Your boyfriend was leaving you to die.
2014-08-07 02:21:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, this shark obviously has superpowers. Ant Man’s powers or something.
2014-08-07 02:21:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm I thought they were jumping off because they couldn’t act like they were falling, but that last guy def. umped in on purpose?
2014-08-07 02:22:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude, you shoulda have ramped that jetski off the shark’s nose and jumped over it. Aww yeah. Jumping the shark baby.
2014-08-07 02:22:22
@szvan: @MockTM You think I’m harping on this relative size thing, be glad you weren’t in the the theater with me for hobbits.
2014-08-07 02:22:22
@leilah: @CarlieP @mocktm I was wondering… the boat looked pretty intact.
2014-08-07 02:22:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM THERE IS NO OTHER WAY #thatswhattheyallsay
2014-08-07 02:23:08
@CarlieP: @leilah @MockTM And the water does have that giant shark…
2014-08-07 02:23:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’ve got an idea.” “What?” “Your simpleton mind wouldn’t comprehend. It involves cows and a tuning fork.”
2014-08-07 02:23:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “White Cliffs of Dover?”
2014-08-07 02:23:28
@leilah: @mocktm “I can’t explain!” *strange whooshing TARDIS noises fill the cabin*
2014-08-07 02:23:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this is a sub they ordered from Acme, Inc.
2014-08-07 02:23:54
@CarlieP: @mocktm Why is the prehistoric shark so attracted to electrical waves anyway? Was his main prey giant electric eels?
2014-08-07 02:24:20
@leilah: @mocktm So, torpedoes are controlled like old text adventure games?
2014-08-07 02:24:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So he just shot the torpedo away from the shark.
2014-08-07 02:24:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, just saying “motherfucker” does not a one-liner make.
2014-08-07 02:24:53
@DrRubidium: @MockTM yep, they totally don’t get shockwaves
2014-08-07 02:25:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM Countdown ex machina
2014-08-07 02:25:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm Dude, it looks like you have a vortex manipulator on your wrist, use it!
2014-08-07 02:25:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Barrowman’s now a thin paste.
2014-08-07 02:25:39
@DrRubidium: @MockTM and this is when Barrowman dies of blunt force trauma due to #theforce. IRL.
2014-08-07 02:26:11
@leilah: @mocktm If he does that gasping thing when he comes out of it, I may die laughing.
2014-08-07 02:26:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hmm, now’s as good a time as any to cop a feel.”
2014-08-07 02:26:34
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Meglawho? I know, right?!
2014-08-07 02:26:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you okay?” “I’ve just had a lot of internal bleeding, that’s all. You know, being ten feet from a torpedo.”
2014-08-07 02:26:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM THE END. QUESTION MARK????
2014-08-07 02:27:20
@leilah: @mocktm That… that’s the ending line?
2014-08-07 02:27:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, come on. That’s not a line. How about, “That sucker is Megalo-gone.”
2014-08-07 02:27:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the most horrifying part of this movie was That Line From Barrowman That Shall Never Be Said
2014-08-07 02:27:36
@CarlieP: @mocktm “Where are the cocktails” is seriously the last line of that movie.
2014-08-07 02:27:46
@leilah: @mocktm Bulgarian Casting Director??
2014-08-07 02:28:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Utility Stunts”. These are the stunt people Batman keeps in his belt.
2014-08-07 02:28:21
@szvan: @MockTM Made in the tropics of Georgia.
2014-08-07 02:28:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM Doo doo doo doot BAM BAM
2014-08-07 02:28:36
@BenZvan: @MockTM okay, I’m ready. What have I missed so far?
2014-08-07 02:28:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Do do deedledoot BAM BAM BAM
2014-08-07 02:28:53
@leilah: @BenZvan @MockTM Ah, not much.
2014-08-07 02:28:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM DA DA DA BAM
2014-08-07 02:29:08
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM dingalading dingalading THRUMTHRUMTHRUM CRASH
2014-08-07 02:29:17
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM SQUEEEEEEEEEEEALLL
2014-08-07 02:29:42
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM TSSH TSSH dum dum DUM DUM bumbabumbabumba IMPERIAL MARCH
2014-08-07 02:30:19
@DrRubidium: @MockTM well, this was better than Hell Comes To Frogtown.
2014-08-07 02:30:28
@blakestacey: @CarlieP @lousycanuck @MockTM Forget cocktails. We need STRONG DRINK.
2014-08-07 02:30:30
@leilah: @mocktm There were TWO foley artists on this? Seriously?
2014-08-07 02:30:40
@leilah: @DrRubidium @MockTM Oh, heck. I still have to watch that one.
2014-08-07 02:30:58
@lousycanuck: @DrRubidium Yes. But so is literally everything else, so. @MockTM
2014-08-07 02:31:07
@lousycanuck: @leilah No. Do not. DO NOT. @DrRubidium @MockTM
2014-08-07 02:31:47
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @leilah @MockTM SAVE YOURSELF
2014-08-07 02:32:26

Mock The Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon transcript