Mock the Movie: Road House transcript

Got two transcripts to upload today. One’s silly, one’s serious.

First, of course, the DEADLY SERIOUS one. If you’ve ever seen Road House, you must know just how 80s over-the-top action it is. It was actually hard to sit through in a few spots because it was so disconnected from reality. By the time the monster truck rolls over some unrelated schmoe’s automotive dealership, you’ll be hard pressed to think of it as a coherent movie so much as someone’s cinematographic bucket list.

@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the director’s cut, Swayze roundhouses the MGM lion. The lion roundhouses him right back.
2014-02-06 02:00:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m Casey Casum and this is American Bandstand!
2014-02-06 02:00:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Ebony and I-vor-y…” [Blake is immediately seized by a hook and dragged off stage]
2014-02-06 02:01:25
@szvan: @MockTM Ooh, gotta love how a close-up emphasizes the fact that high heels are inherently unstable.
2014-02-06 02:01:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ow! My feet!
2014-02-06 02:01:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Knew I shouldn’t have come to the nightclub that carves fancy ice cubes. $3375 for six lowballs of whiskey? Jeez.
2014-02-06 02:02:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM And this is how grown-ups have a good time?
2014-02-06 02:02:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Lyta Alexander pulled a knife. No goons for her!?
2014-02-06 02:03:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM Swayze senses tingling!
2014-02-06 02:03:38
@leilah: @mocktm Agh! The pants!
2014-02-06 02:03:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “That fluffs my hair!”
2014-02-06 02:04:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Little do you know that this polo provides +3 resistance against butter knives.
2014-02-06 02:04:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know what this band needs? More songs about friendship and Tae-Kwon-Do.
2014-02-06 02:05:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’ll give YOU a double deuce, southern boy.
2014-02-06 02:05:18
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM How will Dalton fight the ninja if not for a sweet rock ballad?
2014-02-06 02:05:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t fly. I burrow through the ground like Bugs Bunny.”
2014-02-06 02:06:28
@szvan: @MockTM “I thought you’d be bigger.” “I can only get so much product in this hair.”
2014-02-06 02:06:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Bar-bouncing apparently has its own ancient mystic order.
2014-02-06 02:07:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, our hero is an acrophobe who walks away from a job the minute a better offer comes along?
2014-02-06 02:08:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the director’s cut, he accidentally put the Tiny Tim tape into his tape deck first.
2014-02-06 02:08:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie just keeps springing new credits on you!
2014-02-06 02:08:36
@CA7746: @MockTM “Whoa, I was just listening to this song in the car!”
2014-02-06 02:08:38
@szvan: @MockTM Awwww, “peckerhead”. *instant nostalgia*
2014-02-06 02:08:50
@leilah: @mocktm That was an impressive roll for a drunk.
2014-02-06 02:08:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Eh, chucking beer bottles at the band is a gesture of approval in this culture.
2014-02-06 02:09:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM Half an hour? Well, a man has to know his limits.
2014-02-06 02:10:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ah, that’s what I love in a bar. Ambience. Colour. It’s going to be fun to roundhouse kick it all into conformity.”
2014-02-06 02:10:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s a very Fifth-Element dress.
2014-02-06 02:10:40
@szvan: @MockTM “What am I waiting? I’m waiting for your shitty pour to settle so you can top this beer off and I can get a tip.”
2014-02-06 02:12:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Dalton.” “Aw, shit, I heard of you! First modern atom hypothesis! If you don’t count Gassendi, of course.”
2014-02-06 02:12:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh so clever. Bet the bar owner forged A+’s out of F-‘s in school.
2014-02-06 02:12:30
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, dancing white people. Never change.
2014-02-06 02:12:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Remember Dayton, Dalton? Worse than Brayton and Alton combined.
2014-02-06 02:14:18
@CA7746: @MockTM Worst pimp ever.
2014-02-06 02:14:28
@szvan: @MockTM The first thing this bar needs is more stable tables.
2014-02-06 02:15:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well this is certainly a nuanced example of grey-versus-grey morality
2014-02-06 02:15:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah. Dalton’s doing the “wait til they tire out then pick off the remains” technique of bouncing.
2014-02-06 02:16:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM Our hero, ladies and gentlemen
2014-02-06 02:16:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Don’t worry, it’s sterile!”
2014-02-06 02:16:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nah man, not a dump truck. My balls come through a series of tubes.”
2014-02-06 02:17:50
@CA7746: @MockTM “You lookin’ for a great buick?”
2014-02-06 02:17:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “She’s a runner! In that the engine runs.”
2014-02-06 02:18:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM Could his spirit get any more blithe?
2014-02-06 02:19:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Gotta stop by the old Kent homestead and see if Clark’s around. He might help with this ruffian problem.
2014-02-06 02:19:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Want some rye? Course you do.”
2014-02-06 02:19:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM The UN!
2014-02-06 02:20:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, my mistake, wrong helicopter colour.
2014-02-06 02:20:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM MICHAEL SHERMER?
2014-02-06 02:20:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Thus is borne the meme that douchebags wear trilbys.
2014-02-06 02:21:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nobody wanted it. How come you do?” “… I changed my mind.”
2014-02-06 02:22:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ohhh snap. Old boozy farmer 1, organized religion zero.
2014-02-06 02:22:48
@leilah: @mocktm I’ve heard that line so many times, I thought it would be delivered a bit more… enigmatically.
2014-02-06 02:23:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, we have to walk on the highway? Man you’re strict.”
2014-02-06 02:23:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Entirely too many forty year old adolescents, felons, and Libertarians.
2014-02-06 02:24:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Being called a cocksucker ain’t personal?” “Well, sucking cock is a very personal act. Just don’t forget, be nice.”
2014-02-06 02:26:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Singer definitely has the best shirt in the place
2014-02-06 02:26:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “But I’m on my break!” “Oh… okay… finish up then.”
2014-02-06 02:28:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Get out. And take your ‘stache with you.”
2014-02-06 02:29:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This Dalton guy trying to bring order and non-violence to this bar. He’s just like religion! Let’s smash him up!
2014-02-06 02:30:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How dare he attack freedom of speech by stopping us from killing each other in his bar!
2014-02-06 02:30:46
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a very friendly town when it’s not trying to kill you.
2014-02-06 02:31:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “DALTON!” “I’m right here.” “DALTON!” “Stop.” “DALTON!” “What? Is that breakfast?” “DALTON!”
2014-02-06 02:31:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM “How’d you find me?” “Followed the trail of destruction.”
2014-02-06 02:32:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Seems everywhere I go I become a dead man. Know how much phoenix down costs?”
2014-02-06 02:33:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hooray for motiveless villainy!
2014-02-06 02:33:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Red’s Auto Farts. Or is it Bairts?
2014-02-06 02:33:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Once again, Mr. Dalton. There is nothing that you possess that I cannot take away.”
2014-02-06 02:35:19
@leilah: @mocktm I wasn’t aware that Tai Chi needed that much oiling.
2014-02-06 02:36:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well, when you don’t have a beach and sunset, I guess a river across from a douchebag’s manicured lawn will do for your Tai Chi.
2014-02-06 02:36:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Man who rides around on that thing, he’s not afraid of what people think
2014-02-06 02:37:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM Finally!
2014-02-06 02:39:05
@szvan: @MockTM Apparently all the nurses and doctors in Texas are blonds.
2014-02-06 02:40:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Love the old guy doddering about. “Excuuse me? I filled the jar like you wanted.”
2014-02-06 02:40:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you enjoy pain? I mean, I’m just wondering. I’m not asking for personal kinky reasons or nothin’.”
2014-02-06 02:41:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM Now we know what you can do with a philosophy degree!
2014-02-06 02:41:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Nobody ever wins a fight.” “Nuh-uh! Wolverine could!”
2014-02-06 02:42:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I don’t think those wheels are road standard.
2014-02-06 02:43:06
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing they didn’t all end up in the same hospital. That could have been awkward.
2014-02-06 02:43:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s like a Power Wheels for a 40-year-old.
2014-02-06 02:43:59
@szvan: @MockTM “You want to know why you disgust me?” “It’s in the script?”
2014-02-06 02:44:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You wanna know why you disgust me, Okana? THAT WHOLE DAMN EPISODE OF TNG, that’s why!”
2014-02-06 02:44:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh jesus it’s like they murdered a Transformer in here!”
2014-02-06 02:45:54
@CA7746: @MockTM This IS a new Double Deuce.
2014-02-06 02:46:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM When do they get to the part of the show where contestants have to get green slime dumped on them? Oh, wait, that’s Double Dare.
2014-02-06 02:46:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “New town, same story. Listen…I need an armoured bear.”
2014-02-06 02:48:01
@leilah: @mocktm Wait, what? They don’t team up? No fair!
2014-02-06 02:48:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Say goodnight, Denise.” “Goodnight Denise. … What, I thought that was standard!”
2014-02-06 02:49:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Something tells me they were a bit premature taking down the performer cage.
2014-02-06 02:49:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ow ow man that isn’t even my leg!”
2014-02-06 02:50:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Your tiger style is no match for my hiked up khakis style!”
2014-02-06 02:51:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hi.” “Hi.” “Why are you wearing a picnic table cloth?”
2014-02-06 02:51:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Free room decorations!
2014-02-06 02:53:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You live some kind of life, Dalton. The kind that ends with you dead within 120 years.”
2014-02-06 02:54:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ewwwwww why do they have to put people making kissyface in the middle of all my violent movie
2014-02-06 02:54:52
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, man. Monster trucks, sure. But peacocks are so bloody annoying. This guy _must_ be evil.
2014-02-06 02:55:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Mr. Wesley wants to see you. Let’s go.” “Oh, don’t worry. I can get there myself. I’ll just walk across the river.”
2014-02-06 02:55:41
@szvan: @MockTM “I’m just like you: A laughable sociopath.”
2014-02-06 02:56:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “J.C. Penney is coming here because of me!” “That’s nothing to brag about.”
2014-02-06 02:56:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’re a smart boy. Just not too realistic. Probably explains the philosophy degree, now I think about it.”
2014-02-06 02:56:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How much would it take to get you to come work for me?” “A lifetime supply of high-belted pants.”
2014-02-06 02:58:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM I guess it doesn’t take much to become the hot spot for a town where the 7-11 was a big deal.
2014-02-06 02:59:32
@leilah: @mocktm Admiral Anderson’s really slumming it here…
2014-02-06 03:00:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m now about 90% sure this is the set for Smallville. Seriously.
2014-02-06 03:01:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM Was I napping when the movie explained what the looks-creepily-like-Shermer guy has against the Double Deuce?
2014-02-06 03:02:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Rock? No. Country? No. Waltz? Still no?? Um… Conservative talk radio? Wait, THAT’S what turns you on? Get. Out.
2014-02-06 03:02:30
@CA7746: @MockTM Mmm. Sweater vest.
2014-02-06 03:02:59
@szvan: @blakestacey Fired bartender guy is his nephew. @MockTM
2014-02-06 03:03:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM The passion just snoozes off the screen.
2014-02-06 03:03:39
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM The bartender Dalton threw out was his nephew. Also, directionless villainy.
2014-02-06 03:03:58
@blakestacey: @szvan @MockTM Oh, right, right. Shows how invested I am in this.
2014-02-06 03:04:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow this scene is so hot. By which I mean, there was some nudity. When I was ten, I was like YEAAAAAH. Now… zzzz.
2014-02-06 03:05:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s been a while since a love scene made me want to scream “JUST END ALREADY” like the last hour of LotR 3
2014-02-06 03:05:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Directionless villainy HATES the idea that the good guy might be getting more than him.
2014-02-06 03:06:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM And just when the romance was so hot we could barely stand it, the movie adds old-perv-in-rocking-chair action
2014-02-06 03:08:01
@leilah: @mocktm Oh, COME ON. Really? Creepy old bad guy has a thing for the doctor?
2014-02-06 03:08:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Fellas. Hey fellas. Know where I can drop off this armored bear delivery?”
2014-02-06 03:08:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Alcohol abuse!!
2014-02-06 03:09:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM Gruff bar-cooler mentor guy has a point. “Aces and Eights” would have been a lot cooler.
2014-02-06 03:09:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This guy specializes in battling gangs for local charities, that sort of thing. Whole different set of moves.
2014-02-06 03:11:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He sends one of yours to the loading dock, you send one of his to the dumpster.”
2014-02-06 03:11:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He’s serious. Man knows how to be romantic. And I should know…anyway.”
2014-02-06 03:13:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What’s more romantic than bacon and eggs at a greasy spoon? Obviously, dancing to All My Exes Live In Texas.
2014-02-06 03:13:41
@BenZvan: @MockTM I have been informed that no-one has put Baby in a corner. Good job, Mr. Swayze.
2014-02-06 03:15:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Philosophical. I get it.”
2014-02-06 03:16:33
@szvan: @MockTM Wait! You mean our strong, manly hero is emotionally wounded and vulnerable?! Now there’s a plot twist.
2014-02-06 03:16:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Swayze’s red shirt and barn loft, and this patriarch’s leonine hair and beard… I’m getting a gigantic Smallville vibe here.
2014-02-06 03:16:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM HANG ON I’M COMING! I’ll roundhouse kick the fire out!!
2014-02-06 03:17:37
@szvan: @MockTM And this is how you film a dance by someone who can’t dance. Sadly, it’s also how they filmed Chicago.
2014-02-06 03:19:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m pretty sure there’s boobs under that hat. OH I WAS RIGHT.
2014-02-06 03:20:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Here comes a miniboss fight.
2014-02-06 03:21:21
@CA7746: @MockTM “Ow. Ow! Is it time to stop being nice, boss?”
2014-02-06 03:21:50
@szvan: @MockTM “We can put on a show! My uncle has a cheap-ass dive bar!”
2014-02-06 03:22:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Seventh Doctor”? Is he singing about Doctor Who now?
2014-02-06 03:22:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Turns out tool use is an advantage aver all.
2014-02-06 03:23:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Your ass is mine, boy.” “Look, I know consent isn’t you bad guys’ strong suit, but at least ask. I MIGHT say yes!”
2014-02-06 03:24:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Your ass is mine, boy.” “Hey, it’s not my fault my employees are dumb enough to bring fists to a pool-cue fight.”
2014-02-06 03:24:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If there’s a monster truck on the mantle during Act 1, it must go over a bunch of shitty cars by Act 4.
2014-02-06 03:26:41
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM +1
2014-02-06 03:27:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “If I can’t have her, I’ll drive my monster truck over someone else’s cars to get back at a third unrelated party.”
2014-02-06 03:27:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nothing like a little Presidential Physical Fitness Challenge to work out the tension!
2014-02-06 03:28:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM JUST KISS ALREADY
2014-02-06 03:29:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I know exactly who he is! What do you think Wikipedia is for?”
2014-02-06 03:30:51
@szvan: @MockTM How? How does Sam Elliott deliver those cliches like they’re real dialogue?
2014-02-06 03:30:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m only good at one thing, Doc.” “Thinking back a few nights… yeah. I think you’re right.”
2014-02-06 03:31:31
@CA7746: @MockTM Dalton saved Christmas!
2014-02-06 03:31:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM Guard horses: pretty useless after all
2014-02-06 03:31:48
@leilah: @mocktm I know he’s got the police force in his pocket and all, but surely all the exploding buildings would catch someone’s attention.
2014-02-06 03:31:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM wheee door kick
2014-02-06 03:31:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM Seems like we need a new list: When I Am a Low-Rent Hitman for a Small-town Wannabe Overlord…
2014-02-06 03:33:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sand in the eye. SAND IN THE EYE. DO IIIIIIT
2014-02-06 03:33:53
@szvan: @MockTM I think their foley person needed some martial arts training. That was a throw, not a hit.
2014-02-06 03:34:15
2014-02-06 03:34:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, a prison rape joke. How crass.
2014-02-06 03:35:25
@leilah: @mocktm “Ah, hell. That was my one good henchman.”
2014-02-06 03:36:07
2014-02-06 03:36:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM “One of them dies.” “Whoa. JC Penney is serious business.”
2014-02-06 03:37:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Whaddayaknow, the coin came up ‘both’. How funny is that?”
2014-02-06 03:38:27
2014-02-06 03:40:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He struck you down, but you only became more powerful than he could ever imagine!”
2014-02-06 03:41:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Another situation where stoically reserving critical pieces of information might lead to an important character’s death.
2014-02-06 03:41:02
@CA7746: @MockTM *Goon uses a shotgun to scratch his back.*
2014-02-06 03:41:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I said one beer, not one knife to the chest.”
2014-02-06 03:41:21
@szvan: @MockTM He’s still bleeding. He’s alive. Call him a doctor, idiot.
2014-02-06 03:41:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM What a sadly small amount of collateral damage.
2014-02-06 03:42:21
@szvan: @MockTM Shooting from the hip does not mean twitching like you think you’re Elvis.
2014-02-06 03:42:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The gas pedal was held down by a tiny knife barely embedded in the rubber. Was the blade made from a neutron star?
2014-02-06 03:43:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Let’s play hide and seek, potted plant. Haha, I win again!”
2014-02-06 03:44:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Just once I’d like to see a thrown knife hit a person hilt-first and do no damage.
2014-02-06 03:44:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And *that* was for my friend Lee Scoresby!”
2014-02-06 03:45:20
@szvan: @MockTM I do admit that Swayze has a nice ass, but the rest of the folks in this movie seem a bit preoccupied with it.
2014-02-06 03:46:29
@CA7746: @MockTM Aw, missed the glass table again.
2014-02-06 03:47:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM There’s usin’ your…blunt end of your spear.
2014-02-06 03:47:13
@CA7746: @MockTM Trach-yank: Barbaric. Multiple not-quite-lethal gunshots: That’s okay.
2014-02-06 03:48:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In D&D, he’d be trying to Subdue the person by using non-lethal sides of his lethal weapon.
2014-02-06 03:48:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Director’s cut: Swayze honks Wesley’s nose.
2014-02-06 03:48:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM “This is our town. We signed a deal…with Macy’s.”
2014-02-06 03:48:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He tripped and fell on the bullets.”
2014-02-06 03:49:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You can’t kill a capitalist villain with shots to the chest. You have to remove the head or destroy the brain.
2014-02-06 03:49:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM There’s a sherriff!?
2014-02-06 03:50:02
@leilah: @mocktm Ew, pond water kisses!
2014-02-06 03:50:57
@CA7746: @MockTM Credit: Bar Character. Now that’s just lazy.
2014-02-06 03:51:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM There’s no kiss like a kiss in muddy leech-water
2014-02-06 03:51:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, I suppose I forgive you for killing a guy in self defense now that I watched my dad and all his friends murder the villain.
2014-02-06 03:51:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh gods. Leeches. LEECHES!
2014-02-06 03:51:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Did they at least tell the cops about that throatless body in the water?
2014-02-06 03:52:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I wonder if all these murders have anything to do with all those explosions we didn’t investigate,” muses the Sherriff.
2014-02-06 03:52:51
@szvan: @MockTM Well, that was a movie.
2014-02-06 03:52:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, poor Stephen H. Flick. Your name does not belong in that typeface.
2014-02-06 03:53:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM I dunno. Wouldn’t it have been more in character for Wesley to call his nephew a shithead and go on with his day?
2014-02-06 03:54:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It seems the villain could have won fairly early on by exploding the Double Deuce.
2014-02-06 03:55:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Stealing from the till? Was eating out of my refrigerator not enough? What are you trying to pay for? It’s sure not college.”
2014-02-06 03:55:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM So,Road House just doesn’t have a lot to recommend it. Other than providing the inspiration for “Patrick Swayze Christmas”,
2014-02-06 03:58:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM which is awesome in every way.
2014-02-06 03:58:29
@leilah: @Mocktm I think I waited too long to see this movie… MST had built my expectations for it ludicrously high. =)
2014-02-06 04:00:46

Mock the Movie: Road House transcript