Mock The Movie: The Cloth transcript

Imagine Castlevania in movie form, combined with The Exorcist and a smattering of Blade. Then take away all the awesome bits, waste your CG budget on the least-interesting and least-useful bits of the movie, and make sure your action scenes are nigh unfollowable. Dip it repeatedly in Jesus until well saturated. Ensure all the bad guys are easily killed, even — and especially — the Big Bad. Cast the one guy with acting chops in a supporting character role, and make him do ridiculous quasi-Anime things like building in having to make an X sign when using special weapons. And there you have it — The Cloth.

@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Moved Brain Twisters to two iterations from now, due to the confusion, with your Youtube link.
2013-10-24 00:12:22
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM See, @szvan figured out that Brain Twisters was down on Hulu before any of the rest of us did.
2013-10-24 00:12:57
@CA7746: @MockTM Reminder: To watch “The Cloth”, you gotta login via facebook or create a hulu account (trivial), to prove you’re mature enough.
2013-10-24 00:14:31
@ReasJack: @lousycanuck @MockTM Too much Cisco bootcamp homework. Can’t mock. Sad engineer is sad.
2013-10-24 00:23:38
@CA7746: @MockTM Random FX aren’t spooky enough, so here’s stock footage of a bird.
2013-10-24 01:01:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You can tell this is a cut-rate Exorcist by the presence of chocolate sauce and stock footage of a decomposing bird.
2013-10-24 01:03:09
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM “you’re not welcome here… could you leave? Please?”
2013-10-24 01:03:51
@szvan: @MockTM At least the script is cheap so far.
2013-10-24 01:04:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM As it turns out, demons need at least a wreath knot to bind them.
2013-10-24 01:05:08
@szvan: @MockTM “You just cavort. We’ll do something with it in foley.”
2013-10-24 01:05:15
@CA7746: @MockTM Glowy crossbow is like a stake to dust vamps? Oh-kay…
2013-10-24 01:05:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Sounds like the Dilbert cartoon theme at half-speed.
2013-10-24 01:06:11
@k_hanfelt: @mocktm It’s the hottest new fitness craze… Demon Yoga!
2013-10-24 01:06:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude I want a crossbow that goes bweeee.
2013-10-24 01:06:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now the holy hymns of Slayer.
2013-10-24 01:07:06
@CA7746: @MockTM The Cloin
2013-10-24 01:07:39
@CA7746: @MockTM Meanwhile at the Vatican…
2013-10-24 01:08:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh who am I kidding, they couldn’t afford Slayer. This is obviously a tribute band. Let’s call them Laser Jesus.
2013-10-24 01:08:34
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Starring Eric Roberts, so you know it has to be good.
2013-10-24 01:08:34
@szvan: @MockTM I can’t even blame it on an overly ambitious music video director. Alton Brown managed to make good stuff.
2013-10-24 01:09:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM One night stand, you just know this guy’s the atheist.
2013-10-24 01:10:32
@szvan: @MockTM Is that any way to talk to a priest? Or to talk as a priest?
2013-10-24 01:10:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Woman: “GOD SHUT UP I’M TRYING TO SLEEP”
2013-10-24 01:10:56
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM go away priest… can’t you see I’ve been fornicating?
2013-10-24 01:11:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I brush my teeth with this hip flask of… Scope?”
2013-10-24 01:12:04
@szvan: @MockTM So far, even with an exorcism, this movie is doing a marginally better job of selling atheism than religion.
2013-10-24 01:13:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seriously? There’s nobody better suited for fighting with demons available than this bleached-blonde twerp? Like Road-Head Hick?
2013-10-24 01:14:33
@szvan: @MockTM Apparently his penis is located somewhere to the right of his right hip.
2013-10-24 01:14:38
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM lol random Silver Surfer cameo…
2013-10-24 01:15:09
@CA7746: @MockTM How long was that guy away from the church!?
2013-10-24 01:17:00
@szvan: @MockTM Because Jerusalem is neither in Africa nor Asia.
2013-10-24 01:17:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Demonic possession”, or as you know it, “Crufty Latin Phrase.”
2013-10-24 01:18:15
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM I thought Jesus could turn water to wine so where’s the party?
2013-10-24 01:18:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look, guys, I know you’re all about pageantry and all, but just use a goddamn door like normal people.
2013-10-24 01:19:19
@szvan: @MockTM So that was their first real chance to let our “hero” react to decent effects.
2013-10-24 01:19:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s alright, Jason, this is a Wraith from the Andromeda Galaxy.”
2013-10-24 01:20:29
2013-10-24 01:20:58
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Don’t worry Jason… it’s just an average Texas demon.
2013-10-24 01:21:30
@szvan: @MockTM “I realize you must have a lot of questions. Not that I’m going to give you answers.”
2013-10-24 01:21:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Can you think of someone other than yourself for a change?” “Nope. Can’t even think about that demon thing you showed me.”
2013-10-24 01:22:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wellll… I wasn’t gonna join this fight but this new exposition cabbagehead is kinda hot.
2013-10-24 01:23:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look. Listen. Don’t go. I’m just abrasive because I don’t know God’s love. Maybe you could… teach me? About love?”
2013-10-24 01:23:40
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Are you paying attention? -Uhh… so that’s a demon?
2013-10-24 01:24:10
@szvan: @MockTM It’s not widely known, but the apocrypha consists of 14.238 books.
2013-10-24 01:24:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oooh, the Apocrypha. Which were burned, rather than known and readable thousands of years later.
2013-10-24 01:24:27
@CA7746: @MockTM Whoa there. Apocrypha? Y’mean this movie is fiction?
2013-10-24 01:24:27
@szvan: @MockTM Just think, if they’d hired an actor, they wouldn’t have to use shaky camera work to signal disorientation.
2013-10-24 01:25:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *waves hand* These are not the priests you’re looking for.
2013-10-24 01:26:01
@ingdamnit: @lousycanuck @MockTM Are you watching City of Bone?
2013-10-24 01:26:02
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM We used to rely on word of mouth for these battle sites…. now there’s GPS!
2013-10-24 01:26:14
@lousycanuck: @ingdamnit @MockTM The Cloth, free on Hulu.
2013-10-24 01:26:19
@ingdamnit: @lousycanuck @MockTM It wasw a good guess
2013-10-24 01:26:38
@lousycanuck: @ingdamnit @MockTM Might be worth watching though. Looks a BIT too good for Mock The Movie… But maybe.
2013-10-24 01:28:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You ever get away from this place? Party? Dance? Do lines of coke in a club bathroom?” “Well, I’m kinda into God, so…”
2013-10-24 01:29:08
@CA7746: @MockTM Psst. We’re filming. Complete sentences this time. No skimming the script.
2013-10-24 01:29:12
@ingdamnit: @lousycanuck @MockTM city of bone started as Harry Potter fanfic, pro Draco
2013-10-24 01:29:16
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM We’re here for our own personal journeys. -Yeah but mine takes me to the nearest bar!
2013-10-24 01:29:42
@szvan: @MockTM “It is time.” “What is it?” “Time. I just told you that.”
2013-10-24 01:30:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well, see, time is how we tell the difference between different states and the rate of change between them.”
2013-10-24 01:30:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “But he doesn’t look like he could take Laurel in a fight.” “Well I AM a black belt. And I’m right here!”
2013-10-24 01:31:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You think we can teach him everything in a couple of hours?” “Yeah. It’s not like there’s much plot in this one.” “Point taken.”
2013-10-24 01:32:28
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM “You think I can learn everything you do in two hours?” “Well like all religion we just make it up as we go along so… yes?”
2013-10-24 01:32:52
@szvan: @MockTM Can we just let him narrate all the action? He can act, just.
2013-10-24 01:33:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A cross is obviously the most aerodynamic sort of projectile, after all.
2013-10-24 01:33:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ohhh there’d better be a fucking holy whip in there somewhere.
2013-10-24 01:34:32
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM It’s the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!
2013-10-24 01:35:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’re meant to aid our members, not injure them.” “I’m afraid she’s right, though I’d desperately love to hurt this jackass.”
2013-10-24 01:36:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, I called the coke-snorting.
2013-10-24 01:37:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, right, obviously they have to be demonic because they like sex and girl-on-girl action.
2013-10-24 01:37:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, girls, girls, where are you going? I just came out here to watch you.”
2013-10-24 01:38:15
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Jesus likes to watch lesbian druggies apparently… makes him all glowy.
2013-10-24 01:38:21
@CA7746: @MockTM Hey, the bad guy is Spawn!
2013-10-24 01:38:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So… why was there even a picture of Jesus in this demon’s apartment to begin with?
2013-10-24 01:39:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I knew it! I knew there was something weird about my 8th-grade metal shop teacher!
2013-10-24 01:40:07
@szvan: @MockTM What was that holy water supposed to do again? I could go back and check, but nuh-uh.
2013-10-24 01:41:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look! Down on the ground! It’s a guy! It’s a douchebag! It’s CROSS-MAN!!!”
2013-10-24 01:41:21
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Never bring a cross to a gun fight!
2013-10-24 01:41:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, is that like throwing a holographic character out of the holodeck?
2013-10-24 01:41:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ewww, dude, morning breath.”
2013-10-24 01:42:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Psst. You’re skimming again.
2013-10-24 01:43:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s gotta be something missing. Cave drawing of a man, cave drawing of a dog… what comes next? I hate SAT’s!”
2013-10-24 01:43:26
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Why is the car moving slower on the passenger side???
2013-10-24 01:43:57
@lousycanuck: @k_hanfelt @MockTM It’s… constantly turning right???
2013-10-24 01:44:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think we’re here. I can tell by the foliage pattern.”
2013-10-24 01:44:59
@szvan: @MockTM It’s okay, child. Your gun will grow when you hit that time in your life.
2013-10-24 01:45:38
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM That’s one way to get rid of a gun-toting redneck…
2013-10-24 01:45:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, that just looked like someone grabbed the redneck in Garry’s Mod.
2013-10-24 01:46:32
@szvan: @MockTM It isn’t that characters who are obstacles just disappear at random. It’s that no one reacts.
2013-10-24 01:46:47
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Hey the guy in charge of the subtitles finally showed up.
2013-10-24 01:47:38
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Nobody throws Jesus on the table!
2013-10-24 01:48:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why does it matter that his gun is smaller, if all these demons are one shot kills? I’d rather a handgun in that case.
2013-10-24 01:48:55
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Jackpot!!!
2013-10-24 01:50:02
@CA7746: @MockTM Who throws Jesus on a table? C.S. Lewis. #Aslan
2013-10-24 01:50:43
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM That lady does not do rejection well…
2013-10-24 01:51:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Written in chalk all over the floor is “why won’t jason love me” over and over again.
2013-10-24 01:52:05
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Dammit Jason I’m a historian not a miracle worker!
2013-10-24 01:53:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, these demons are fragile.
2013-10-24 01:53:57
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM “He wanted to bring Hell with him.” Judging from the state of this movie… mission accomplished.
2013-10-24 01:55:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Cast-Iron is only one piece of the puzzle. There’s also the great demon Stainless Steel, and also Telfonthulhu.”
2013-10-24 01:56:41
@CA7746: @MockTM All atheist’s apartments smell like sulphur
2013-10-24 01:56:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He was preaching to me about how God had provided me all the tools I needed, but FUCK ME if I could EVER find an allen wrench!”
2013-10-24 01:57:37
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM “There IS no corruption in the church!” Spoken like a good Catholic…
2013-10-24 01:58:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The No True Internal Church argument.
2013-10-24 01:59:35
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM The demon is hiding in a bar called Dante’s because of course he is.
2013-10-24 02:00:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I thought you needed my help!” “I’m not actually sure what you were doing classified as help, to be honest.”
2013-10-24 02:00:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh you gotta be shittin’ me. You got those glow-in-the-dark contacts you said you were gonna!? They… look… AWESOME!!!”
2013-10-24 02:01:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gear’s on the table. Next to Jesus. Where you threw him earlier.”
2013-10-24 02:02:40
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Beer is of the devil… shoot it all!
2013-10-24 02:03:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I don’t suppose your armament includes a Rocket-Propelled Jesus Launcher?
2013-10-24 02:05:02
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Demons disintegrate when you shoot them with paintbal guns.. good to know.
2013-10-24 02:05:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Slow motion cameras are expensive to rent, so…
2013-10-24 02:06:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM WAS THAT A HOLY WHIP???
2013-10-24 02:06:41
@szvan: @MockTM Demons are now zombies?
2013-10-24 02:07:34
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Heh well… the Latin always seemed to work for those other guys so…
2013-10-24 02:07:47
@CA7746: @MockTM Wilhelm scream, and another lost soul’s off to… purgatory? #NotEstablished
2013-10-24 02:08:01
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM “The new kid left my cage open when you left… hahaha!!!”
2013-10-24 02:09:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why are these heroes with tons of equipment never given a simple signal flare so you can see what you’re fighting?
2013-10-24 02:10:16
@CA7746: @MockTM “You have no clue what this is all about. And yet here you are.”
2013-10-24 02:10:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Even the big demons are that fragile? Not much real danger here.
2013-10-24 02:11:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “She’s been taken.” “By who?” “Diablo. It was a big double cross.”
2013-10-24 02:13:13
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM No you need two people for the good cop bad cop routine…
2013-10-24 02:13:29
@CA7746: @MockTM “God don’t like ugly.” (Lev 21:18)
2013-10-24 02:14:00
@szvan: @MockTM So far, the best actors in this movie are Q and the woman in the heavy makeup.
2013-10-24 02:14:40
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Sparklepony kick attack!
2013-10-24 02:15:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Criss Angel is down… or is he?
2013-10-24 02:16:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you think this is the life he would have wanted for you? Because he always talked about you being a professional panhandler.”
2013-10-24 02:16:57
@CA7746: @MockTM “Take control of your life. It’s what your father wanted.”
2013-10-24 02:17:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, wow, that was a move out of King of Fighters. Go Iori!
2013-10-24 02:18:35
@CA7746: @MockTM ha-ha-ha-ha
2013-10-24 02:18:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I thought it was supposed to be more… you know… VISIBLE in Hell. What with the lake of fire.
2013-10-24 02:19:36
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM Honey I’m home… did you miss me?
2013-10-24 02:19:47
@CA7746: @MockTM Talking about layers and context awakens demons, good to know.
2013-10-24 02:20:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I love that the only way we know our hero is wearing armor is because of the big-ass cross on his otherwise entirely fabric costume.
2013-10-24 02:21:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “THERE IS NO LAUREL, ONLY ZUUL”
2013-10-24 02:22:15
@k_hanfelt: @MockTM “Is it over?” GOD I hope so!
2013-10-24 02:23:54
@CA7746: @MockTM *Evil Jazz Hands*
2013-10-24 02:24:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It is time… for more Demon Yoga.”
2013-10-24 02:24:26
@CA7746: @MockTM The power of Witchblade compels you!
2013-10-24 02:25:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, did he just ask her for an ice cream sundae in Latin?
2013-10-24 02:25:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Button in the palm, you gotta make an X?” “Yeah, I know, I really like pro wrestling okay? You got me.”
2013-10-24 02:27:25
@CA7746: @MockTM Did anyone else see ‘targeted’ Hulu ads for Rev and something about Muslims?
2013-10-24 02:28:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Once again, the lesson is that there is no demonic force out there that is not susceptible to being shot repeatedly.
2013-10-24 02:28:56
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Dude, no. Acura ads mostly.
2013-10-24 02:29:12
@CA7746: @MockTM They knew nobody’d watch this far, so they didn’t bother lining up the credits.
2013-10-24 02:30:32
@CA7746: @MockTM This horror movie was sponsored by “Our Lady of Perpetual Happiness”.
2013-10-24 02:33:36
@Luarien: @lousycanuck @MockTM Guns are God’s holy instrument of judgment. #Murica
2013-10-24 02:57:43

Mock The Movie: The Cloth transcript
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