Miami Connection pretty much hit the sweet spot for Mock The Movie mocking in every possible way. It included mediocre martial arts, ridiculous gore, 80s synth rock music, and a plot that almost sort of made sense if you overlooked the fact that a rock and roll band that knows Tae Kwon Do is the only thing stopping a group of ninjas from wresting control of all of Florida via cocaine distribution.
Oh, and did I mention that this is apparently a real band? Witness their 25-year reunion!
Transcript below the fold!
@szvan: Mock the Movie: Neon Ninjas Edition: http://t.co/zvjH88XHfs @MockTM
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM @szvan Here’s all the preview you need: http://t.co/1XD4EGlkdL
@szvan: @ImprobableJoe Before @MockTM, I might have, though it’s more fun to subject someone else to bad movies and mockery.
@ReasJack: @szvan @MockTM Will try to mock if not a zombie from Cisco bootcamp.
@trailrblog: Video: “Against the Ninja” from “Miami Connection”, this week’s 80s-tastic @MockTM movie. Wednesday at 6pm… http://t.co/fmmRibpWI8
@blakestacey: Oooh, I can use my new dual-monitor setup for tonight’s @MockTM.
@leilah: I saw tonight’s @MockTM in the theatre… now to see if I can survive Miami Connection a second time. Probably should have gotten some rum.
@blakestacey: Tonight I will watch as much of http://t.co/hJFv6vx1GU as I can stand and live-tweet the experience to @MockTM.
@brx0: So yeah, it’s time for @MockTM again. Tonight’s movie is the infamous “Miami Connection” (1987): http://t.co/MXUjZLFWuN
@brx0: It’s easy: Hit play at 6pm Pacific (9 eastern), and we all make fun of the bad movie together. Tweet at @MockTM to not spam your followers.
@brx0: That’s the gist of the movie, as I understand it. I suggested this one but I haven’t actually seen it yet. @MockTM
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, who’s with me?
@leilah: @blakestacey @MockTM I’m in, for better or for worse.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh man. Unshaven guy with a panama hat blows smoke into others faces. It starts PERFECTLY.
@brx0: @MockTM These guys with the hats look like they’re up to no good. Maybe it’s just the Uzis.
@szvan: @MockTM Remember the 80s, when ex-Eagles were providing the music for tense Miama drug drama? This isn’t that.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Casio factor exceeding 9000!
@blakestacey: @MockTM Somewhere in the 20th century…
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh. That looked like a ninja. But dressed in white at night for some reason. Confused already.
@blakestacey: @MockTM These guys are serious about their cases of Red Stripe.
@szvan: @MockTM If the guy with the hair makes it through this movie, I will be so sad.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Drug runners with ninja enforcers are expecting to meet with… wait, is this script right? Hell’s ANGLES?
@CA7746: @MockTM Great now the bag’s gonna leak
@brx0: @MockTM Normally ninjas w/ swords vs drug lords with Uzis would be a rather short battle.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, be careful with that ramen!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM This is one helluva complicated flash mob.
@szvan: @MockTM Do you know how much that candy would be worth to the right otaku?!
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Not from the front, but from the sides!”
@brx0: @MockTM So they take out one minion with a ninja star, and the shooting starts. Ninja assault fail.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Mmmm. Shrimp flavour.”
@szvan: @MockTM Ninjas. Always going for that devastating hack to the thick part of the skull.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *arrow to the chest* *pause* “Huh, must have been my imagination.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Over there! And fire off screen to reload!”
@brx0: @MockTM I may go as “80s Action Minion” for halloween: Uzi and Members Only jacket.
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, gory arm lopping. This movie’s improving.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Shaking the blade after stabbing a guy really makes it hurt more.
@brx0: @MockTM Would it have killed them to use cheesy day for night instead of actual dark night here? Hard to see anything.
@szvan: @MockTM I’ll give them this. I haven’t heard Wilhelm yet.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Foley done with actual kitchen silverware.
@brx0: @MockTM Ah, white robe ninja is the boss. That makes total sense.
@CA7746: @MockTM The most important thing: remind the boss to wear black for night raids.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ninja constume inspection.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well done obtaining the illegal ramen shipment, my students.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Well, I suppose you’re wondering why I gathered you all here today.”
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, 80s credits montage. Bikers! Band! Martial arts! Drum machine! This looks promising.
@CA7746: @MockTM *Hadouken*
@szvan: @MockTM I may need to watch “Streets of Fire” after this to cleanse my palate.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “But sir! Money cannot buy us love!”
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The thing I like most about this song is its universal appeal. We can all relate to having our cocaine stolen by ninjas.
@brx0: @MockTM Although I’m realizing we’ve *already* seen several shots from the trailer. Which makes me suspicious about the rest of the film.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Flaming board break fail. You got three, maybe four of those fifteen.
@blakestacey: @MockTM I can already tell this movie’s fatal flaw: a total absence of Guitar Wolf.
@leilah: @mocktm You can’t expect to be taken seriously as a bad guy in grey sweats, dude.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, some toughs with an old Mercedes 2-seater. Miami is weird.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM I love this song. No joke.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, wait, this thing’s set in freakin’ *Orlando*, not Miami. False advertising!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I scored a new shipment of Coke. It’s the best.” “New Coke, or the original stuff?”
@CA7746: @MockTM The soundtrack turned wholesome… oh, these must be the good guys.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “They move a lot of coke in Orlando. Coke Zero, too.”
@szvan: @MockTM They have about two too many guitars on stage for that song.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Just what this movie needed — a rock anthem about friendship, loyalty and honesty. SO HARDCORE.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, so one of the Mercedes toughs has a sister in the band and he’s not happy about it. Quite a rad Billy Mays beard though.
@blakestacey: @MockTM From their newest album, “After-School Special Soundtrack”.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’ll make our dreams come through with the MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP.”
@leilah: @mocktm Wow, YK Kim really IS amazing! He plays the guitar without even touching the strings!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I disapprove of this wanton display of chaste kissing by my sister.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM This band really needs a gig on Square One TV.
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Oh man. So many childhood feels.
@szvan: @MockTM They couldn’t afford to give her a tambourine or triangle? It’s not like the guys are really playing.
@brx0: @MockTM Inspiring song about the value of friendship. I bet they’re the Good Guys.
@brx0: @MockTM Cut to “University of Central Florida”. Ooh, old IBM PCs! L33t!!!
@CA7746: @MockTM Squee! Ninja programmers. Wait a minute, BASIC!?
@szvan: @MockTM “Thick and thin”? Nah, that’s a cliche. You’ve got to make choices here in Orlando-Miami.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The only thing that song was missing was a sleazy shirtless saxophone solo.
@blakestacey: @MockTM … I thoroughly distracted myself from the movie by wondering about a gritty remake of MATHNET. What have a missed?
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, someone just bumped the camera in that last shot.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The rest is just the same, isn’t it?”
@leilah: @blakestacey @MockTM Oh, wow, I want that so much.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “As you know, we sent a team, they came in fourth place, and we should all JEER THEM MERCILESSLY. Way to gosub, losers!”
@szvan: @MockTM Wait? Programming isn’t a MAN’s job?
@brx0: @MockTM Dang, listen to all that typing. I sure miss those old IBM clickety-clack keyboards…
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wow! You can study BASICA at the University of Central Florida!
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM I would fund the fuck out of that Kickstarter.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, that scene was a GOSUB without a RETURN.
@brx0: @MockTM This university seems to be the home of the 30-something student who lives in the dorm.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I was wondering about your family. Do you have a family? Anybody directly related to you? Parents? No? You were hatched then?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH GOD SHOW DON’T TELL.
@szvan: @MockTM Sorry, guys. You need acting to get the pathos. Skip to the fake martial arts action, already.
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, here comes the Mercedes. Full entourage in full effect!
@CA7746: @MockTM Looks like *somebody* needs to hear the friendship song again.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “A friend! You can’t have friends!”
@brx0: @MockTM Zomfg he double parked. Straight outta Central Florida.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Billy Mays here with a special offer: hands off my sister and we won’t kick your ass!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM The music is drowning out the dialogue. I’ll take this as a sign the dialogue doesn’t matter.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s a friend of mine from school.” “A FRIEND!? YOU’RE MAKING WORDS UP NOW. THERE’S NO SUCH THING!!!”
@brx0: @MockTM Nice dangly earring, dude.
@CA7746: @MockTM Frank, we’re coke smugglers. Your Coca-Cola shirt isn’t helping.
@brx0: @MockTM What’s all this defusing a potential street fight? What kind of action movie is this??
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You don’t understand. I’m her brother. She is my property.”
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, the brother was in the previous music act that got fired? The plot thickens!
@szvan: @MockTM Aww, we’re gonna get a battle of the bands.
@brx0: @MockTM Or maybe that was some other 80s dude with a luxurious beard. They all look alike.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nothing says alpha male like a mustard smoking jacket.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Meanwhile, at a nearby sushi restaurant which is a front for a ninja training facility…
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, back to the ninjas. Wonder who would win in a fight: These Orlando ninjas, or Richard Harrison Hong Kong ninjas?
@blakestacey: @MockTM Meanwhile, in a nearby Embassy Suites lobby…
@szvan: @MockTM Is that Hall or Oates? I can’t remember which is which.
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, here’s the song from the trailer. I had it stuck in my head the other day. That was kind of troubling.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why is a band an impediment to controlling the local drug trade?
@brx0: @MockTM But wait, they haven’t even met the ninjas yet, why are they singing about fighting ninjas?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This band has exactly one song, which they sing different lyrics over repeatedly.
@blakestacey: @MockTM A band that worries about starting on time? THEY ARE TOO WHOLESOME
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM Your point being?
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, so it’s also a song about tae kwon do as the true way of life. Weird how this didn’t break the top 40.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I guess ninja were a big problem in the 80s.
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Only that they’re at least a little better than Nickelback?
@szvan: @MockTM Is there a rhythm equivalent to getting motion sick. Cause I think I’m there. Can’t watch anymore.
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know what would improve this club? More random neon fixtures, that’s what.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM … Needed more cowbell.
@brx0: @MockTM Cut to the toughs waiting outside the theater, who missed that song about tae kwon do as the true way of life. This bodes ill.
@CA7746: @MockTM Must be the “Escape from Miami” scene.
@CA7746: @MockTM Sadly, no amount of coercion could bring back Snake Plissken for this.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dammit, Jerry, we’ve been telling you to practice your car door vaulting. That was just SHAMEFUL.”
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, minions in a Suzuki Samurai and a 914. These dudes obviously mean business.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Rabble rabble rabble!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick! After that synth track!”
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, mayyyybe we get a fight scene now.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the background is another car full of people in full baseball gear, and behind THEM, a guy clinking two beer bottles together.
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, so it’s a musical rivalry. Can’t they settle this thing West Side Story style?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Billy Mays doesn’t actually realize that you can hit someone in a convertible WITHOUT them getting out of the car. Strange.
@szvan: @MockTM So the coke trade in Orlando is run by ninja frat boys.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM JERRY: BARF!!! *blink blink blink* *coins appear*
@blakestacey: @MockTM Slo mo!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is like Enter the Anole.
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM Worst. Porn. Ever.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nothing quite beats the tension of people we don’t know fighting an indeterminate number of interchangeable mooks…
@brx0: @MockTM So they all live in the same house, and they’re a tae kwon do team, *and* they’re a band? Is this a reality show?
@szvan: @MockTM The problem with including just a bit of good fight choreography is that everyone still has to watch the rest.
@blakestacey: @MockTM …in a disconnected series of environments, for reasons we do not know.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @lousycanuck @MockTM “Way of the Skink”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sorry for hiding this from you guys…” “This looks like… Ed McMahon?”
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, and they’re all orphans too? This is a cult, isn’t it?
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why does this seem so familiar? Did I see this movie and block it all out? Is this scene ripped off from something else?
@brx0: @MockTM At least the fighting part didn’t suck. Let’s have more of that, ‘mkay?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM White dude on the left in the middle kinda dozed off in the middle of that emotional scene.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, and they also frolic at the beach together? Yeah, these guys are totally a cult.
@CA7746: @MockTM Fully clothed man advertises nudist church. Hmm…
@brx0: @MockTM Gratuitous 80s meathead street harrassment scene. Feh.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “hey baby. hey. why aren’t you looking at me. i’m jeering you very loudly. baby. baby. buns. woo.”
@CA7746: @MockTM @brx0 Friends through eternity…
@leilah: @brx0 @MockTM Our heroes, ladies & gentlemen!
@szvan: @MockTM Guitar is a ripoff of “Nowhere Fast”. They really were trying to remake Streets of Fire.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, repeatedly pushing a masher down while he’s trying to get up, and into your friends, is the best way to get him to leave.
@brx0: @MockTM Makeout scene, cut to sandpipers…? What does that symbolize?
@leilah: @brx0 @MockTM A peck on the cheek?
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, that wasn’t in any way creepy as fuck
@CA7746: @MockTM Well if they’re pretty bad at taekwondo, it should be easy.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Elsewhere, lumpy men pretend to be training for UFC when really they’re just escaping from the drudgery of their 9-5 factory jobs.
@leilah: @mocktm Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of having a job? Giving all the money you make to someone else?
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nathan Fillion??
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, so we’ve got two 80s luxurious beard dudes, but now they’ve teamed up! The plot thickens further!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seriously, pledging your entire salary to some ruffians to get your job back? Sounds like a waste of everyone’s time.
@CA7746: @MockTM *spin in place*
@blakestacey: @MockTM And now we settle in for the Tae Kwon Do Club’s promotional VHS tape.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Grabbing someone is a fault in Tae Kwon Do. A throw like that would lose our expert his match.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Seriously, though: that scene with the black guy getting weepy over the photo. WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE?
@leilah: @mocktm Is only fighting enemies who stand really still for you a crucial part of Tae Kwon Do?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And then you eat the wooden dagger, thus disarming the opponent!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Wow, you suck.”
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, grab the guy’s nose with your toes and twist. That’s a good move. I like that one.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s an interesting take on the Miyagi Maneuver, using the toes.
@leilah: @mocktm Stupid cocaine!
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Stupid cocaine!” *dejectedly kicks a can*
@brx0: @MockTM “We could all break boards, Jack could do a guitar solo”. Orlando, home of quality family entertainment.
@CA7746: @blakestacey @MockTM TvTropes – Orphan’s Ordeal
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Stupid cocaine. And its stupid addictiveness. I hate it. Hate it so much. Stupids.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This band is the only family I have, since I killed my parents and sister.”
@CA7746: @MockTM taekwondo taekwondo taekwondo taekwondo
@brx0: @MockTM They want to take the band on tour, visit all the home countries of their parents, promoting peace & goodwill. Totally a cult.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We could visit all the countries our parents came from. Korea… America… America… America…”
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “We’ll promote peace and goodwill. Through our songs about how ninjas all suck.”
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, so now we get a fight scene over an attempted dine-n-dash? Nice.
@szvan: @MockTM Oh! Those are shorts, not a diaper.
@leilah: @mocktm Augh! Loosen the shorts! Loosen the shorts!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Surely you have some money for food in your Underoos.
@brx0: @MockTM So he just beat up his disgruntled customers. I bet his Yelp reviews are terrible.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nothing says badass like a Disney-themed apron.
@leilah: @mocktm It’s not just for kicking and punching! It’s also for music! And grabbing peoples’ noses!
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Tae Kwon Do is right here, and right here. In your left nipple and right eyebrow.”
@brx0: @MockTM So what’s this spinning around with your toes up the other guy’s nose? This puzzles me.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Taekwondo is a way of life that involves both cooking and rock anthems.
@szvan: @MockTM You know, if I went around pissing people off, I might reconsider leaving the top down.
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, it must have been excerpted on a @redlettermedia thing.
@brx0: @MockTM A handwritten “let’s meet downtown at the railroad tracks” note. Orlando thugs are *hardcore*.
@szvan: @MockTM Well, if I went around pissing *those* people off.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “LEAVE DRAGONSOUND ALONE!!! WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU? LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie is really easy to get distracted from.
@CA7746: @MockTM Tough guys don’t wear shirts, or change their bandages.
@brx0: @MockTM They’re actually snapping their fingers menacingly. Maybe it *is* West Side Story time! Yay!
@brx0: @MockTM I bet those pallets come into play at some point in the upcoming smackdown. Just guessing here.
@szvan: @MockTM “They’re dead meat” guy is the lead singer, right?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’ll go home and you are terrible!” “Well, you’re terrible yourself!”
@brx0: @MockTM Drum machines! Drum machines in the deep! They are coming!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH SHIT a tanker full of oil! I swear someone by the end of this scene is going to punch it and it’ll explode like KRACKABOOOM
@blakestacey: @MockTM Forget cocaine. This gang is going for the high-fructose corn syrup market.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Casually drive up to twenty guys wielding lead pipes and shouting mild death threats? Is it Tuesday already?
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, the “film through window of minivan” technique.
@szvan: @MockTM How do we best fight these guys? I know. Let’s run right into the thick of it.
@brx0: @MockTM The good guys seem to spend a lot of time running away, don’t they?
@blakestacey: @MockTM Too bad the honour of the martial art forbids just driving through them.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Rebound Lead Pipe Self-Ownage Guy is my new favorite character.
@szvan: @mocktm @brx0 It’s the most realistic thing they’ve done.
@brx0: @MockTM See, in 2013 Florida everyone would’ve invoked Stand Your Ground by now.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM JIGGERS, the FUZZ! Let’s vamoose, boys!
@szvan: @MockTM But that wasn’t where he said to hit him! So unfair.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, one of the evil minions drives a junky BMW 5-series. Ain’t no tough like Orlando tough.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “We need to get these gangs out of central Florida and back where they belong–in south Florida.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, why are we here again, Bob?” “We had reports of a synth-rock-fueled pipe fight — yup, another 11-78.”
@brx0: @MockTM Suddenly: Bikers! Who are also ninjas apparently!
@CA7746: @MockTM Tough gals don’t wear shirts either apparently.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The lyrics to “Messin’ With a Tough Guy” are blowing my mind.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We need to get these gangs out of Central Florida, anyway.” -nobody ever
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This music… “…and his sister’s looking cute in her bracers and boots.”
@brx0: @MockTM I admit these bikers don’t really strike me as having the classic ninja physique.
@szvan: @MockTM I’ve always wondered how ninjas maintain their discipline and form.
@brx0: @MockTM I’m still not clear on why they have to be rid of some cheesy bar band in order to “control” central Florida. Did I miss that bit?
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh, she must be from that church.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yup, Dragonsound is really blowing up, now that they’re even being played in the rival ninja biker gang’s bar.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, it’s the old cigarette up the nose magic trick. Ain’t no tough like Orlando tough.
@blakestacey: @MockTM If this is the life of a drug kingpin in Central Florida, I gotta say…it ain’t worth it.
@szvan: @MockTM So the biker ninjas are also circus geeks as well as drug dealers. And they have time to mess with some band?
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh, pornstache dudebro guy is busy writing a new keyboard part. This bodes ill.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
@brx0: @MockTM This whole human-interest subplot about the guy’s missing father is basically all about how there was no Google in 1987.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This entire ninja band gang can afford to also go to UCF? Yeah, disbelief suspension fail.
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh, they left dudebro by himself to park the car. And… he’s been dudebro-napped!
@blakestacey: @MockTM The wholesomeness of this band goes through endearing and wraps around to become weird again.
@CA7746: @MockTM In retrospect, shirtless chest bumping may not have been the best way out of that trunk.
@brx0: @MockTM C’mon, it’s the 80s, can’t he like, laser them with moustache rays or something?
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So, General Tso’s gator tail all around, then?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Table for one, superstar? Would you like a cocktail? Appetizer? Crab dip? Perhaps a small glass of wine? How’s our service?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you know why we kidnapped you? To shave off your moustache! To send a message — we’re the only gang that can have facial hair!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM And guest starring these guys from r/ShitRedditSays
@brx0: @MockTM But wait, how did our heroes know where they were holding the captive? Did that scene get cut?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Luckily all the protagonists are equipped with Plot Sensors, which give them GPS directions to where Plot is.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because a Gilligan-red shirt is just the thing for a stealthy night approach.
@brx0: @MockTM Didn’t realize 80s Orlando was such a hotbed of fighting with dowels.
@CA7746: @MockTM These honorable taekwondo guys sure do a lot of sneaking around and surprise attacks…
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, gory severed artery shot. Points awarded for that.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Was that a lead pipe that did that kinda carotid artery damage? Seriously?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The intense force of being thrown into that plastic barrel shattered it.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, keep going to the pick-heavy-things-up-and-throw-them well, Large Guy.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Pre-broken barrel!
@brx0: @MockTM So this tae kwon do team is basically the Korean dude & the romantic lead, and a few other guys who need rescuing a lot.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Adidas shirt is a step up from Gilligan Red in terms of stealth uniform, honestly. @blakestacey
@szvan: @MockTM Really? The black guy is here to get beat up and rescued?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dual-wielding barbed wire bats? Okay, that’s actually kinda badass.
@CA7746: @MockTM Who wants to sing the friendship song!
@brx0: @MockTM But this can’t be the *final* final battle, can it? We still have 20 minutes left.
@blakestacey: @MockTM A lawn chair is just not an imposing seat of power.
@szvan: @MockTM Aww. I guess his girlfriend won’t be going to school anymore.
@leilah: @mocktm Wait, Jeff’s his brother as well?
@brx0: @MockTM Oh right, there’s the head ninja dude, who’s also a biker.
@blakestacey: @MockTM 66 minutes in, the movie has a good idea!
@brx0: @MockTM “They will not escape the Miami Ninja!!!” Sure, why not?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m sorry, he’s dead. He was killed by the Dragon-Born.”
@szvan: @MockTM Those ninjas sure make a lot of noise.
@szvan: @MockTM And their theme music is way too loud.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM This guy is always getting ready for a shower that never seems to happen.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In this scene: every actor elsewhere in the movie puts on a black ninja outfit and pads out the film on the cheap.
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, right. Black guy is also here to walk around without a shirt for most of t the movie.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He will not escape the Miami Ninja!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Black Fatherless Towel-On-Shoulder Guy gets the father he always deserved. Next week in the mail he gets a towel rack.
@BenZvan: @MockTM I don’t know what just happened but it sounded terrible.
@brx0: @MockTM He found his father! Human interest!
@brx0: @MockTM Aaand, the whole tae kwon do cult chips in to buy him a suit. Because 1980s.
@szvan: @MockTM *gasp* A shirt!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yay! Victory! Through no active effort on his part, he gets a father, AND gets carried around on his friends’ shoulders!
@szvan: @MockTM This movie goes a long way toward reminding us why trouser pleats came back in, as ugly as they are.
@brx0: @MockTM She seems pretty chill about the band doing her brother in like that. Weird.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s all right. We’re happy for Jim.” “Finally found your father!” “Right! I remember that plot point! Hooray!”
@CA7746: @MockTM Whoa, motorcycles driving themselves!
@leilah: @mocktm Motorcycles! The totally silent vehicle of choice for the ninja!
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, we’ve got 14 minutes left. I want my ninja biker apocalypse. This better be good.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Shoo, you ninjas!”
@brx0: @MockTM And they come around the corner. “Oh… ninjas. C’mon, leave us alone.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Epic thing: someone at UCF favorited my tweet about DragonSound not being able to afford going there.
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Aw. Ninjas.”
@szvan: @MockTM Maybe if the ninjas did less coke.
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Yes, let’s get plenty of filthy Florida ditch water in that sucking chest wound.
@CA7746: @MockTM Yes, drag the wounded guy through ditch water.
@brx0: @MockTM Wow, so that was a proper scream. Ruined his nice new suit too. Oh, the irony!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow. Seriously, getting sliced across the back of the shoulders causes you to be disemboweled across your stomach!?
@brx0: @MockTM But then, you knew this was coming, because black guy in 80s movie.
@CA7746: @MockTM What we need right now is a gator.
@brx0: @MockTM …and now… vengeance!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Another ancient Taekwondo technique: saying a wounded person’s name over and over while dragging them to safety helps them heal.
@szvan: @MockTM Nice that the ninjas leave the wounded guy alone.
@blakestacey: @szvan @MockTM To do otherwise would violate THE LAW OF THE UNIVERSE, THE LAW OF THE GALAXY!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In this scene: blood bukkake.
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, the gore is looking up here. Still not sure why they’re fighting with swords when literally everyone else in FL owns an Uzi.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM At least they have the power of Friendship to make sure wounded guy survives to give his last words.
@szvan: @MockTM I’m so impressed no one told the foley guy that ninjas are supposed to be silent.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Do they not even teach swordplay in ninja school any more?
@blakestacey: @MockTM They really levelled up the blood for this part, didn’t they?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Boss, everybody’s dead!” “… Not quite. They missed one. Let me rectify that.”
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, the end boss doesn’t like bearers of bad news, turns out.
@CA7746: @MockTM And… out come an army of white ninjas.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ah, but I know something that you do not. I am not left-handed.”
@blakestacey: @MockTM BOSS FIGHT
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, that explains all the setup on how to deal with someone armed with a banana earlier.
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing this guy trained in how to disarm someone who holds a knife still very close to him.
@brx0: @MockTM If this was filmed in 2013, right about now the CGI mega-crocodactyl would show up and eat both of them.
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wouldn’t slow-motion kicks hurt *less*?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Meanwhile, elsewhere in the woods, a crazy guy runs half-naked and wields a katana backward.
@CA7746: @MockTM Aw. Bloody shirtless guy didn’t continue rampaging through florida.
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, 10 points for adequate foreshadowing.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh wait, he’s alive, maybe he’ll live… ? Happy ending!!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Jim was extremely fortunate. He died, and didn’t have to act through the rest of the movie.”
@brx0: @MockTM They’re going to discharge him, after getting ninja-sworded in the gut? Damn HMOs.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Jim is like my brother. I would anything for him.” “Did you accidentally the whole script?”
@CA7746: @MockTM Ley’s all go home… to the compound!
@brx0: @MockTM “Nobody’s going to mess with OUR band again!”
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sword-slash repair is just an outpatient procedure, then.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, way to prove you’re the best at rock and roll! Team jump and fist-pump!
@brx0: @MockTM What, no romantic reunion after the big fight? Don’t they know their movie tropes?
@szvan: @MockTM Only through brutal, brutal elimination of violence shall we achieve world peace.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Only through eliminating violence WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE AND NINJA SWORDS…
@lousycanuck: @MockTM IMDB does not have most of these credits, I’m told by @szvan — I’m guessing they sued to have their names removed.
@CA7746: @MockTM Oooh, ultra-stereo
@blakestacey: @MockTM Only through eliminating violence with vaguely danceable pop music and groping beachgoers can we achieve world peace!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “All the characters are fictitious!?” No way! Owns-self-with-pipe-guy MUST be real! My whole worldview depends on it!