Mock The Movie: Miami Connection transcript

Miami Connection pretty much hit the sweet spot for Mock The Movie mocking in every possible way. It included mediocre martial arts, ridiculous gore, 80s synth rock music, and a plot that almost sort of made sense if you overlooked the fact that a rock and roll band that knows Tae Kwon Do is the only thing stopping a group of ninjas from wresting control of all of Florida via cocaine distribution.

Oh, and did I mention that this is apparently a real band? Witness their 25-year reunion!

Transcript below the fold!

@szvan: Mock the Movie: Neon Ninjas Edition: @MockTM
2013-10-07 22:25:05
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM @szvan Here’s all the preview you need:
2013-10-08 03:22:57
@szvan: @ImprobableJoe Before @MockTM, I might have, though it’s more fun to subject someone else to bad movies and mockery.
2013-10-08 03:28:27
@ReasJack: @szvan @MockTM Will try to mock if not a zombie from Cisco bootcamp.
2013-10-08 03:49:42
@trailrblog: Video: “Against the Ninja” from “Miami Connection”, this week’s 80s-tastic @MockTM movie. Wednesday at 6pm…
2013-10-08 03:53:50
@blakestacey: Oooh, I can use my new dual-monitor setup for tonight’s @MockTM.
2013-10-10 00:30:05
@leilah: I saw tonight’s @MockTM in the theatre… now to see if I can survive Miami Connection a second time. Probably should have gotten some rum.
2013-10-10 00:36:07
@blakestacey: Tonight I will watch as much of as I can stand and live-tweet the experience to @MockTM.
2013-10-10 00:52:26
@brx0: So yeah, it’s time for @MockTM again. Tonight’s movie is the infamous “Miami Connection” (1987):
2013-10-10 00:55:57
@brx0: It’s easy: Hit play at 6pm Pacific (9 eastern), and we all make fun of the bad movie together. Tweet at @MockTM to not spam your followers.
2013-10-10 00:57:06
@brx0: That’s the gist of the movie, as I understand it. I suggested this one but I haven’t actually seen it yet. @MockTM
2013-10-10 00:59:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, who’s with me?
2013-10-10 00:59:51
@leilah: @blakestacey @MockTM I’m in, for better or for worse.
2013-10-10 01:00:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh man. Unshaven guy with a panama hat blows smoke into others faces. It starts PERFECTLY.
2013-10-10 01:01:10
@brx0: @MockTM These guys with the hats look like they’re up to no good. Maybe it’s just the Uzis.
2013-10-10 01:01:17
@szvan: @MockTM Remember the 80s, when ex-Eagles were providing the music for tense Miama drug drama? This isn’t that.
2013-10-10 01:01:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM Casio factor exceeding 9000!
2013-10-10 01:01:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM Somewhere in the 20th century…
2013-10-10 01:01:48
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh. That looked like a ninja. But dressed in white at night for some reason. Confused already.
2013-10-10 01:02:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM These guys are serious about their cases of Red Stripe.
2013-10-10 01:02:18
@szvan: @MockTM If the guy with the hair makes it through this movie, I will be so sad.
2013-10-10 01:02:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Drug runners with ninja enforcers are expecting to meet with… wait, is this script right? Hell’s ANGLES?
2013-10-10 01:02:36
@CA7746: @MockTM Great now the bag’s gonna leak
2013-10-10 01:02:45
@brx0: @MockTM Normally ninjas w/ swords vs drug lords with Uzis would be a rather short battle.
2013-10-10 01:02:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, be careful with that ramen!”
2013-10-10 01:03:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM This is one helluva complicated flash mob.
2013-10-10 01:03:23
@szvan: @MockTM Do you know how much that candy would be worth to the right otaku?!
2013-10-10 01:03:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Not from the front, but from the sides!”
2013-10-10 01:03:40
@brx0: @MockTM So they take out one minion with a ninja star, and the shooting starts. Ninja assault fail.
2013-10-10 01:03:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Mmmm. Shrimp flavour.”
2013-10-10 01:04:04
@szvan: @MockTM Ninjas. Always going for that devastating hack to the thick part of the skull.
2013-10-10 01:04:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *arrow to the chest* *pause* “Huh, must have been my imagination.”
2013-10-10 01:04:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Over there! And fire off screen to reload!”
2013-10-10 01:04:39
@brx0: @MockTM I may go as “80s Action Minion” for halloween: Uzi and Members Only jacket.
2013-10-10 01:04:42
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, gory arm lopping. This movie’s improving.
2013-10-10 01:04:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Shaking the blade after stabbing a guy really makes it hurt more.
2013-10-10 01:05:05
@brx0: @MockTM Would it have killed them to use cheesy day for night instead of actual dark night here? Hard to see anything.
2013-10-10 01:05:28
@szvan: @MockTM I’ll give them this. I haven’t heard Wilhelm yet.
2013-10-10 01:05:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM Foley done with actual kitchen silverware.
2013-10-10 01:05:59
@brx0: @MockTM Ah, white robe ninja is the boss. That makes total sense.
2013-10-10 01:06:00
@CA7746: @MockTM The most important thing: remind the boss to wear black for night raids.
2013-10-10 01:06:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ninja constume inspection.
2013-10-10 01:06:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well done obtaining the illegal ramen shipment, my students.”
2013-10-10 01:06:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Well, I suppose you’re wondering why I gathered you all here today.”
2013-10-10 01:06:52
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, 80s credits montage. Bikers! Band! Martial arts! Drum machine! This looks promising.
2013-10-10 01:07:13
@CA7746: @MockTM *Hadouken*
2013-10-10 01:07:17
@szvan: @MockTM I may need to watch “Streets of Fire” after this to cleanse my palate.
2013-10-10 01:07:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM “But sir! Money cannot buy us love!”
2013-10-10 01:07:48
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The thing I like most about this song is its universal appeal. We can all relate to having our cocaine stolen by ninjas.
2013-10-10 01:07:59
@brx0: @MockTM Although I’m realizing we’ve *already* seen several shots from the trailer. Which makes me suspicious about the rest of the film.
2013-10-10 01:08:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Flaming board break fail. You got three, maybe four of those fifteen.
2013-10-10 01:08:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM I can already tell this movie’s fatal flaw: a total absence of Guitar Wolf.
2013-10-10 01:08:19
@leilah: @mocktm You can’t expect to be taken seriously as a bad guy in grey sweats, dude.
2013-10-10 01:08:46
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, some toughs with an old Mercedes 2-seater. Miami is weird.
2013-10-10 01:08:49
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM I love this song. No joke.
2013-10-10 01:09:25
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, wait, this thing’s set in freakin’ *Orlando*, not Miami. False advertising!
2013-10-10 01:09:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I scored a new shipment of Coke. It’s the best.” “New Coke, or the original stuff?”
2013-10-10 01:09:30
@CA7746: @MockTM The soundtrack turned wholesome… oh, these must be the good guys.
2013-10-10 01:09:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM “They move a lot of coke in Orlando. Coke Zero, too.”
2013-10-10 01:10:12
@szvan: @MockTM They have about two too many guitars on stage for that song.
2013-10-10 01:10:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Just what this movie needed — a rock anthem about friendship, loyalty and honesty. SO HARDCORE.
2013-10-10 01:10:44
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, so one of the Mercedes toughs has a sister in the band and he’s not happy about it. Quite a rad Billy Mays beard though.
2013-10-10 01:10:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM From their newest album, “After-School Special Soundtrack”.
2013-10-10 01:11:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’ll make our dreams come through with the MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP.”
2013-10-10 01:11:05
@leilah: @mocktm Wow, YK Kim really IS amazing! He plays the guitar without even touching the strings!
2013-10-10 01:11:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I disapprove of this wanton display of chaste kissing by my sister.”
2013-10-10 01:11:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM This band really needs a gig on Square One TV.
2013-10-10 01:11:54
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Oh man. So many childhood feels.
2013-10-10 01:12:15
@szvan: @MockTM They couldn’t afford to give her a tambourine or triangle? It’s not like the guys are really playing.
2013-10-10 01:12:21
@brx0: @MockTM Inspiring song about the value of friendship. I bet they’re the Good Guys.
2013-10-10 01:12:23
@brx0: @MockTM Cut to “University of Central Florida”. Ooh, old IBM PCs! L33t!!!
2013-10-10 01:12:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Squee! Ninja programmers. Wait a minute, BASIC!?
2013-10-10 01:12:51
@szvan: @MockTM “Thick and thin”? Nah, that’s a cliche. You’ve got to make choices here in Orlando-Miami.
2013-10-10 01:12:55
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The only thing that song was missing was a sleazy shirtless saxophone solo.
2013-10-10 01:12:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM … I thoroughly distracted myself from the movie by wondering about a gritty remake of MATHNET. What have a missed?
2013-10-10 01:13:04
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, someone just bumped the camera in that last shot.
2013-10-10 01:13:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The rest is just the same, isn’t it?”
2013-10-10 01:13:27
@leilah: @blakestacey @MockTM Oh, wow, I want that so much.
2013-10-10 01:13:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “As you know, we sent a team, they came in fourth place, and we should all JEER THEM MERCILESSLY. Way to gosub, losers!”
2013-10-10 01:13:45
@szvan: @MockTM Wait? Programming isn’t a MAN’s job?
2013-10-10 01:13:55
@brx0: @MockTM Dang, listen to all that typing. I sure miss those old IBM clickety-clack keyboards…
2013-10-10 01:13:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wow! You can study BASICA at the University of Central Florida!
2013-10-10 01:14:08
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM I would fund the fuck out of that Kickstarter.
2013-10-10 01:14:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, that scene was a GOSUB without a RETURN.
2013-10-10 01:14:39
@brx0: @MockTM This university seems to be the home of the 30-something student who lives in the dorm.
2013-10-10 01:14:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I was wondering about your family. Do you have a family? Anybody directly related to you? Parents? No? You were hatched then?”
2013-10-10 01:14:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH GOD SHOW DON’T TELL.
2013-10-10 01:15:01
@szvan: @MockTM Sorry, guys. You need acting to get the pathos. Skip to the fake martial arts action, already.
2013-10-10 01:15:23
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, here comes the Mercedes. Full entourage in full effect!
2013-10-10 01:15:36
@CA7746: @MockTM Looks like *somebody* needs to hear the friendship song again.
2013-10-10 01:15:50
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “A friend! You can’t have friends!”
2013-10-10 01:15:52
@brx0: @MockTM Zomfg he double parked. Straight outta Central Florida.
2013-10-10 01:15:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Billy Mays here with a special offer: hands off my sister and we won’t kick your ass!”
2013-10-10 01:15:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM The music is drowning out the dialogue. I’ll take this as a sign the dialogue doesn’t matter.
2013-10-10 01:16:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s a friend of mine from school.” “A FRIEND!? YOU’RE MAKING WORDS UP NOW. THERE’S NO SUCH THING!!!”
2013-10-10 01:16:40
@brx0: @MockTM Nice dangly earring, dude.
2013-10-10 01:16:44
@CA7746: @MockTM Frank, we’re coke smugglers. Your Coca-Cola shirt isn’t helping.
2013-10-10 01:16:54
@brx0: @MockTM What’s all this defusing a potential street fight? What kind of action movie is this??
2013-10-10 01:17:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You don’t understand. I’m her brother. She is my property.”
2013-10-10 01:17:53
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, the brother was in the previous music act that got fired? The plot thickens!
2013-10-10 01:18:00
@szvan: @MockTM Aww, we’re gonna get a battle of the bands.
2013-10-10 01:18:05
@brx0: @MockTM Or maybe that was some other 80s dude with a luxurious beard. They all look alike.
2013-10-10 01:18:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nothing says alpha male like a mustard smoking jacket.
2013-10-10 01:18:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Meanwhile, at a nearby sushi restaurant which is a front for a ninja training facility…
2013-10-10 01:19:28
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, back to the ninjas. Wonder who would win in a fight: These Orlando ninjas, or Richard Harrison Hong Kong ninjas?
2013-10-10 01:19:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM Meanwhile, in a nearby Embassy Suites lobby…
2013-10-10 01:20:02
@szvan: @MockTM Is that Hall or Oates? I can’t remember which is which.
2013-10-10 01:20:46
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, here’s the song from the trailer. I had it stuck in my head the other day. That was kind of troubling.
2013-10-10 01:20:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why is a band an impediment to controlling the local drug trade?
2013-10-10 01:21:22
@brx0: @MockTM But wait, they haven’t even met the ninjas yet, why are they singing about fighting ninjas?
2013-10-10 01:21:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This band has exactly one song, which they sing different lyrics over repeatedly.
2013-10-10 01:21:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM A band that worries about starting on time? THEY ARE TOO WHOLESOME
2013-10-10 01:21:51
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM Your point being?
2013-10-10 01:22:39
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, so it’s also a song about tae kwon do as the true way of life. Weird how this didn’t break the top 40.
2013-10-10 01:22:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I guess ninja were a big problem in the 80s.
2013-10-10 01:22:46
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Only that they’re at least a little better than Nickelback?
2013-10-10 01:23:04
@szvan: @MockTM Is there a rhythm equivalent to getting motion sick. Cause I think I’m there. Can’t watch anymore.
2013-10-10 01:23:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know what would improve this club? More random neon fixtures, that’s what.
2013-10-10 01:23:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM … Needed more cowbell.
2013-10-10 01:24:00
@brx0: @MockTM Cut to the toughs waiting outside the theater, who missed that song about tae kwon do as the true way of life. This bodes ill.
2013-10-10 01:24:30
@CA7746: @MockTM Must be the “Escape from Miami” scene.
2013-10-10 01:24:47
@CA7746: @MockTM Sadly, no amount of coercion could bring back Snake Plissken for this.
2013-10-10 01:24:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dammit, Jerry, we’ve been telling you to practice your car door vaulting. That was just SHAMEFUL.”
2013-10-10 01:24:52
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, minions in a Suzuki Samurai and a 914. These dudes obviously mean business.
2013-10-10 01:25:02
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Rabble rabble rabble!”
2013-10-10 01:25:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick! After that synth track!”
2013-10-10 01:25:36
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, mayyyybe we get a fight scene now.
2013-10-10 01:25:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the background is another car full of people in full baseball gear, and behind THEM, a guy clinking two beer bottles together.
2013-10-10 01:25:45
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, so it’s a musical rivalry. Can’t they settle this thing West Side Story style?
2013-10-10 01:26:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Billy Mays doesn’t actually realize that you can hit someone in a convertible WITHOUT them getting out of the car. Strange.
2013-10-10 01:26:55
@szvan: @MockTM So the coke trade in Orlando is run by ninja frat boys.
2013-10-10 01:27:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM JERRY: BARF!!! *blink blink blink* *coins appear*
2013-10-10 01:28:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM Slo mo!
2013-10-10 01:28:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is like Enter the Anole.
2013-10-10 01:28:34
@leilah: @lousycanuck @MockTM Worst. Porn. Ever.
2013-10-10 01:29:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nothing quite beats the tension of people we don’t know fighting an indeterminate number of interchangeable mooks…
2013-10-10 01:29:25
@brx0: @MockTM So they all live in the same house, and they’re a tae kwon do team, *and* they’re a band? Is this a reality show?
2013-10-10 01:29:33
@szvan: @MockTM The problem with including just a bit of good fight choreography is that everyone still has to watch the rest.
2013-10-10 01:29:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM …in a disconnected series of environments, for reasons we do not know.
2013-10-10 01:29:52
@RealEnthusedMTM: @lousycanuck @MockTM “Way of the Skink”
2013-10-10 01:30:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sorry for hiding this from you guys…” “This looks like… Ed McMahon?”
2013-10-10 01:30:27
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, and they’re all orphans too? This is a cult, isn’t it?
2013-10-10 01:30:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why does this seem so familiar? Did I see this movie and block it all out? Is this scene ripped off from something else?
2013-10-10 01:30:57
@brx0: @MockTM At least the fighting part didn’t suck. Let’s have more of that, ‘mkay?
2013-10-10 01:31:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM White dude on the left in the middle kinda dozed off in the middle of that emotional scene.
2013-10-10 01:32:09
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, and they also frolic at the beach together? Yeah, these guys are totally a cult.
2013-10-10 01:32:21
@CA7746: @MockTM Fully clothed man advertises nudist church. Hmm…
2013-10-10 01:33:01
@brx0: @MockTM Gratuitous 80s meathead street harrassment scene. Feh.
2013-10-10 01:33:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “hey baby. hey. why aren’t you looking at me. i’m jeering you very loudly. baby. baby. buns. woo.”
2013-10-10 01:33:15
@CA7746: @MockTM @brx0 Friends through eternity…
2013-10-10 01:33:28
@leilah: @brx0 @MockTM Our heroes, ladies & gentlemen!
2013-10-10 01:33:38
@szvan: @MockTM Guitar is a ripoff of “Nowhere Fast”. They really were trying to remake Streets of Fire.
2013-10-10 01:34:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, repeatedly pushing a masher down while he’s trying to get up, and into your friends, is the best way to get him to leave.
2013-10-10 01:34:42
@brx0: @MockTM Makeout scene, cut to sandpipers…? What does that symbolize?
2013-10-10 01:34:43
@leilah: @brx0 @MockTM A peck on the cheek?
2013-10-10 01:35:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, that wasn’t in any way creepy as fuck
2013-10-10 01:35:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Well if they’re pretty bad at taekwondo, it should be easy.
2013-10-10 01:35:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Elsewhere, lumpy men pretend to be training for UFC when really they’re just escaping from the drudgery of their 9-5 factory jobs.
2013-10-10 01:35:50
@leilah: @mocktm Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of having a job? Giving all the money you make to someone else?
2013-10-10 01:36:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nathan Fillion??
2013-10-10 01:36:24
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, so we’ve got two 80s luxurious beard dudes, but now they’ve teamed up! The plot thickens further!
2013-10-10 01:36:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seriously, pledging your entire salary to some ruffians to get your job back? Sounds like a waste of everyone’s time.
2013-10-10 01:36:39
@CA7746: @MockTM *spin in place*
2013-10-10 01:37:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM And now we settle in for the Tae Kwon Do Club’s promotional VHS tape.
2013-10-10 01:37:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Grabbing someone is a fault in Tae Kwon Do. A throw like that would lose our expert his match.
2013-10-10 01:38:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM Seriously, though: that scene with the black guy getting weepy over the photo. WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE?
2013-10-10 01:38:29
@leilah: @mocktm Is only fighting enemies who stand really still for you a crucial part of Tae Kwon Do?
2013-10-10 01:38:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And then you eat the wooden dagger, thus disarming the opponent!”
2013-10-10 01:39:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Wow, you suck.”
2013-10-10 01:39:12
@brx0: @MockTM Ooh, grab the guy’s nose with your toes and twist. That’s a good move. I like that one.
2013-10-10 01:39:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s an interesting take on the Miyagi Maneuver, using the toes.
2013-10-10 01:40:09
@leilah: @mocktm Stupid cocaine!
2013-10-10 01:40:59
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Stupid cocaine!” *dejectedly kicks a can*
2013-10-10 01:41:01
@brx0: @MockTM “We could all break boards, Jack could do a guitar solo”. Orlando, home of quality family entertainment.
2013-10-10 01:41:01
@CA7746: @blakestacey @MockTM TvTropes – Orphan’s Ordeal
2013-10-10 01:41:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Stupid cocaine. And its stupid addictiveness. I hate it. Hate it so much. Stupids.
2013-10-10 01:41:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This band is the only family I have, since I killed my parents and sister.”
2013-10-10 01:41:44
@CA7746: @MockTM taekwondo taekwondo taekwondo taekwondo
2013-10-10 01:42:10
@brx0: @MockTM They want to take the band on tour, visit all the home countries of their parents, promoting peace & goodwill. Totally a cult.
2013-10-10 01:42:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We could visit all the countries our parents came from. Korea… America… America… America…”
2013-10-10 01:42:37
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “We’ll promote peace and goodwill. Through our songs about how ninjas all suck.”
2013-10-10 01:42:38
@brx0: @MockTM Oh, so now we get a fight scene over an attempted dine-n-dash? Nice.
2013-10-10 01:43:18
@szvan: @MockTM Oh! Those are shorts, not a diaper.
2013-10-10 01:43:26
@leilah: @mocktm Augh! Loosen the shorts! Loosen the shorts!
2013-10-10 01:43:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Surely you have some money for food in your Underoos.
2013-10-10 01:43:55
@brx0: @MockTM So he just beat up his disgruntled customers. I bet his Yelp reviews are terrible.
2013-10-10 01:44:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nothing says badass like a Disney-themed apron.
2013-10-10 01:44:35
@leilah: @mocktm It’s not just for kicking and punching! It’s also for music! And grabbing peoples’ noses!
2013-10-10 01:44:39
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Tae Kwon Do is right here, and right here. In your left nipple and right eyebrow.”
2013-10-10 01:44:41
@brx0: @MockTM So what’s this spinning around with your toes up the other guy’s nose? This puzzles me.
2013-10-10 01:45:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Taekwondo is a way of life that involves both cooking and rock anthems.
2013-10-10 01:45:09
@szvan: @MockTM You know, if I went around pissing people off, I might reconsider leaving the top down.
2013-10-10 01:45:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, it must have been excerpted on a @redlettermedia thing.
2013-10-10 01:45:48
@brx0: @MockTM A handwritten “let’s meet downtown at the railroad tracks” note. Orlando thugs are *hardcore*.
2013-10-10 01:45:52
@szvan: @MockTM Well, if I went around pissing *those* people off.
2013-10-10 01:46:07
2013-10-10 01:46:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie is really easy to get distracted from.
2013-10-10 01:47:24
@CA7746: @MockTM Tough guys don’t wear shirts, or change their bandages.
2013-10-10 01:47:25
@brx0: @MockTM They’re actually snapping their fingers menacingly. Maybe it *is* West Side Story time! Yay!
2013-10-10 01:47:31
@brx0: @MockTM I bet those pallets come into play at some point in the upcoming smackdown. Just guessing here.
2013-10-10 01:48:08
@szvan: @MockTM “They’re dead meat” guy is the lead singer, right?
2013-10-10 01:48:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’ll go home and you are terrible!” “Well, you’re terrible yourself!”
2013-10-10 01:48:31
@brx0: @MockTM Drum machines! Drum machines in the deep! They are coming!
2013-10-10 01:48:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH SHIT a tanker full of oil! I swear someone by the end of this scene is going to punch it and it’ll explode like KRACKABOOOM
2013-10-10 01:48:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM Forget cocaine. This gang is going for the high-fructose corn syrup market.
2013-10-10 01:49:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Casually drive up to twenty guys wielding lead pipes and shouting mild death threats? Is it Tuesday already?
2013-10-10 01:49:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, the “film through window of minivan” technique.
2013-10-10 01:49:57
@szvan: @MockTM How do we best fight these guys? I know. Let’s run right into the thick of it.
2013-10-10 01:50:07
@brx0: @MockTM The good guys seem to spend a lot of time running away, don’t they?
2013-10-10 01:50:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Too bad the honour of the martial art forbids just driving through them.
2013-10-10 01:51:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Rebound Lead Pipe Self-Ownage Guy is my new favorite character.
2013-10-10 01:51:03
@szvan: @mocktm @brx0 It’s the most realistic thing they’ve done.
2013-10-10 01:51:06
@brx0: @MockTM See, in 2013 Florida everyone would’ve invoked Stand Your Ground by now.
2013-10-10 01:51:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM JIGGERS, the FUZZ! Let’s vamoose, boys!
2013-10-10 01:51:46
@szvan: @MockTM But that wasn’t where he said to hit him! So unfair.
2013-10-10 01:51:47
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, one of the evil minions drives a junky BMW 5-series. Ain’t no tough like Orlando tough.
2013-10-10 01:52:18
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “We need to get these gangs out of central Florida and back where they belong–in south Florida.”
2013-10-10 01:52:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, why are we here again, Bob?” “We had reports of a synth-rock-fueled pipe fight — yup, another 11-78.”
2013-10-10 01:53:25
@brx0: @MockTM Suddenly: Bikers! Who are also ninjas apparently!
2013-10-10 01:53:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Tough gals don’t wear shirts either apparently.
2013-10-10 01:53:35
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM The lyrics to “Messin’ With a Tough Guy” are blowing my mind.
2013-10-10 01:53:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We need to get these gangs out of Central Florida, anyway.” -nobody ever
2013-10-10 01:53:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This music… “…and his sister’s looking cute in her bracers and boots.”
2013-10-10 01:54:00
@brx0: @MockTM I admit these bikers don’t really strike me as having the classic ninja physique.
2013-10-10 01:54:36
@szvan: @MockTM I’ve always wondered how ninjas maintain their discipline and form.
2013-10-10 01:55:01
@brx0: @MockTM I’m still not clear on why they have to be rid of some cheesy bar band in order to “control” central Florida. Did I miss that bit?
2013-10-10 01:55:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh, she must be from that church.
2013-10-10 01:55:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yup, Dragonsound is really blowing up, now that they’re even being played in the rival ninja biker gang’s bar.
2013-10-10 01:55:57
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, it’s the old cigarette up the nose magic trick. Ain’t no tough like Orlando tough.
2013-10-10 01:56:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM If this is the life of a drug kingpin in Central Florida, I gotta say…it ain’t worth it.
2013-10-10 01:57:12
@szvan: @MockTM So the biker ninjas are also circus geeks as well as drug dealers. And they have time to mess with some band?
2013-10-10 01:57:19
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh, pornstache dudebro guy is busy writing a new keyboard part. This bodes ill.
2013-10-10 01:57:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
2013-10-10 01:57:28
@brx0: @MockTM This whole human-interest subplot about the guy’s missing father is basically all about how there was no Google in 1987.
2013-10-10 01:58:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This entire ninja band gang can afford to also go to UCF? Yeah, disbelief suspension fail.
2013-10-10 01:59:07
@brx0: @MockTM Uh oh, they left dudebro by himself to park the car. And… he’s been dudebro-napped!
2013-10-10 02:00:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM The wholesomeness of this band goes through endearing and wraps around to become weird again.
2013-10-10 02:00:11
@CA7746: @MockTM In retrospect, shirtless chest bumping may not have been the best way out of that trunk.
2013-10-10 02:00:17
@brx0: @MockTM C’mon, it’s the 80s, can’t he like, laser them with moustache rays or something?
2013-10-10 02:00:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So, General Tso’s gator tail all around, then?”
2013-10-10 02:01:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Table for one, superstar? Would you like a cocktail? Appetizer? Crab dip? Perhaps a small glass of wine? How’s our service?”
2013-10-10 02:01:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you know why we kidnapped you? To shave off your moustache! To send a message — we’re the only gang that can have facial hair!”
2013-10-10 02:02:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM And guest starring these guys from r/ShitRedditSays
2013-10-10 02:02:48
@brx0: @MockTM But wait, how did our heroes know where they were holding the captive? Did that scene get cut?
2013-10-10 02:02:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Luckily all the protagonists are equipped with Plot Sensors, which give them GPS directions to where Plot is.
2013-10-10 02:03:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM Because a Gilligan-red shirt is just the thing for a stealthy night approach.
2013-10-10 02:03:49
@brx0: @MockTM Didn’t realize 80s Orlando was such a hotbed of fighting with dowels.
2013-10-10 02:04:05
@CA7746: @MockTM These honorable taekwondo guys sure do a lot of sneaking around and surprise attacks…
2013-10-10 02:04:15
@brx0: @MockTM Oh hey, gory severed artery shot. Points awarded for that.
2013-10-10 02:04:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Was that a lead pipe that did that kinda carotid artery damage? Seriously?
2013-10-10 02:04:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The intense force of being thrown into that plastic barrel shattered it.
2013-10-10 02:05:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, keep going to the pick-heavy-things-up-and-throw-them well, Large Guy.
2013-10-10 02:06:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM Pre-broken barrel!
2013-10-10 02:06:28
@brx0: @MockTM So this tae kwon do team is basically the Korean dude & the romantic lead, and a few other guys who need rescuing a lot.
2013-10-10 02:06:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Adidas shirt is a step up from Gilligan Red in terms of stealth uniform, honestly. @blakestacey
2013-10-10 02:06:55
@szvan: @MockTM Really? The black guy is here to get beat up and rescued?
2013-10-10 02:07:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dual-wielding barbed wire bats? Okay, that’s actually kinda badass.
2013-10-10 02:07:15
@CA7746: @MockTM Who wants to sing the friendship song!
2013-10-10 02:07:21
@brx0: @MockTM But this can’t be the *final* final battle, can it? We still have 20 minutes left.
2013-10-10 02:07:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM A lawn chair is just not an imposing seat of power.
2013-10-10 02:07:33
@szvan: @MockTM Aww. I guess his girlfriend won’t be going to school anymore.
2013-10-10 02:08:05
@leilah: @mocktm Wait, Jeff’s his brother as well?
2013-10-10 02:08:07
@brx0: @MockTM Oh right, there’s the head ninja dude, who’s also a biker.
2013-10-10 02:08:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM 66 minutes in, the movie has a good idea!
2013-10-10 02:08:12
@brx0: @MockTM “They will not escape the Miami Ninja!!!” Sure, why not?
2013-10-10 02:08:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m sorry, he’s dead. He was killed by the Dragon-Born.”
2013-10-10 02:08:41
@szvan: @MockTM Those ninjas sure make a lot of noise.
2013-10-10 02:08:58
@szvan: @MockTM And their theme music is way too loud.
2013-10-10 02:09:13
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM This guy is always getting ready for a shower that never seems to happen.
2013-10-10 02:09:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In this scene: every actor elsewhere in the movie puts on a black ninja outfit and pads out the film on the cheap.
2013-10-10 02:09:17
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, right. Black guy is also here to walk around without a shirt for most of t the movie.
2013-10-10 02:09:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He will not escape the Miami Ninja!”
2013-10-10 02:09:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Black Fatherless Towel-On-Shoulder Guy gets the father he always deserved. Next week in the mail he gets a towel rack.
2013-10-10 02:10:02
@BenZvan: @MockTM I don’t know what just happened but it sounded terrible.
2013-10-10 02:10:05
@brx0: @MockTM He found his father! Human interest!
2013-10-10 02:10:07
@brx0: @MockTM Aaand, the whole tae kwon do cult chips in to buy him a suit. Because 1980s.
2013-10-10 02:10:47
@szvan: @MockTM *gasp* A shirt!
2013-10-10 02:10:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yay! Victory! Through no active effort on his part, he gets a father, AND gets carried around on his friends’ shoulders!
2013-10-10 02:10:55
@szvan: @MockTM This movie goes a long way toward reminding us why trouser pleats came back in, as ugly as they are.
2013-10-10 02:11:34
@brx0: @MockTM She seems pretty chill about the band doing her brother in like that. Weird.
2013-10-10 02:11:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s all right. We’re happy for Jim.” “Finally found your father!” “Right! I remember that plot point! Hooray!”
2013-10-10 02:12:20
@CA7746: @MockTM Whoa, motorcycles driving themselves!
2013-10-10 02:12:37
@leilah: @mocktm Motorcycles! The totally silent vehicle of choice for the ninja!
2013-10-10 02:12:54
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, we’ve got 14 minutes left. I want my ninja biker apocalypse. This better be good.
2013-10-10 02:12:57
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM “Shoo, you ninjas!”
2013-10-10 02:13:10
@brx0: @MockTM And they come around the corner. “Oh… ninjas. C’mon, leave us alone.”
2013-10-10 02:13:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Epic thing: someone at UCF favorited my tweet about DragonSound not being able to afford going there.
2013-10-10 02:13:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Aw. Ninjas.”
2013-10-10 02:14:13
@szvan: @MockTM Maybe if the ninjas did less coke.
2013-10-10 02:14:16
@RealEnthusedMTM: @MockTM Yes, let’s get plenty of filthy Florida ditch water in that sucking chest wound.
2013-10-10 02:14:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Yes, drag the wounded guy through ditch water.
2013-10-10 02:14:20
@brx0: @MockTM Wow, so that was a proper scream. Ruined his nice new suit too. Oh, the irony!
2013-10-10 02:14:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow. Seriously, getting sliced across the back of the shoulders causes you to be disemboweled across your stomach!?
2013-10-10 02:14:46
@brx0: @MockTM But then, you knew this was coming, because black guy in 80s movie.
2013-10-10 02:15:06
@CA7746: @MockTM What we need right now is a gator.
2013-10-10 02:15:12
@brx0: @MockTM …and now… vengeance!
2013-10-10 02:15:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Another ancient Taekwondo technique: saying a wounded person’s name over and over while dragging them to safety helps them heal.
2013-10-10 02:15:37
@szvan: @MockTM Nice that the ninjas leave the wounded guy alone.
2013-10-10 02:15:39
@blakestacey: @szvan @MockTM To do otherwise would violate THE LAW OF THE UNIVERSE, THE LAW OF THE GALAXY!!!
2013-10-10 02:16:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In this scene: blood bukkake.
2013-10-10 02:16:41
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, the gore is looking up here. Still not sure why they’re fighting with swords when literally everyone else in FL owns an Uzi.
2013-10-10 02:16:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM At least they have the power of Friendship to make sure wounded guy survives to give his last words.
2013-10-10 02:17:23
@szvan: @MockTM I’m so impressed no one told the foley guy that ninjas are supposed to be silent.
2013-10-10 02:17:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Do they not even teach swordplay in ninja school any more?
2013-10-10 02:18:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM They really levelled up the blood for this part, didn’t they?
2013-10-10 02:18:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Boss, everybody’s dead!” “… Not quite. They missed one. Let me rectify that.”
2013-10-10 02:19:06
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, the end boss doesn’t like bearers of bad news, turns out.
2013-10-10 02:19:07
@CA7746: @MockTM And… out come an army of white ninjas.
2013-10-10 02:19:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ah, but I know something that you do not. I am not left-handed.”
2013-10-10 02:20:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM BOSS FIGHT
2013-10-10 02:20:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, that explains all the setup on how to deal with someone armed with a banana earlier.
2013-10-10 02:20:29
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing this guy trained in how to disarm someone who holds a knife still very close to him.
2013-10-10 02:20:43
@brx0: @MockTM If this was filmed in 2013, right about now the CGI mega-crocodactyl would show up and eat both of them.
2013-10-10 02:20:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wouldn’t slow-motion kicks hurt *less*?
2013-10-10 02:21:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Meanwhile, elsewhere in the woods, a crazy guy runs half-naked and wields a katana backward.
2013-10-10 02:22:06
@CA7746: @MockTM Aw. Bloody shirtless guy didn’t continue rampaging through florida.
2013-10-10 02:22:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, 10 points for adequate foreshadowing.
2013-10-10 02:22:17
@brx0: @MockTM Oh wait, he’s alive, maybe he’ll live… ? Happy ending!!!!
2013-10-10 02:22:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Jim was extremely fortunate. He died, and didn’t have to act through the rest of the movie.”
2013-10-10 02:22:59
@brx0: @MockTM They’re going to discharge him, after getting ninja-sworded in the gut? Damn HMOs.
2013-10-10 02:23:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Jim is like my brother. I would anything for him.” “Did you accidentally the whole script?”
2013-10-10 02:23:48
@CA7746: @MockTM Ley’s all go home… to the compound!
2013-10-10 02:24:01
@brx0: @MockTM “Nobody’s going to mess with OUR band again!”
2013-10-10 02:24:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sword-slash repair is just an outpatient procedure, then.
2013-10-10 02:24:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, way to prove you’re the best at rock and roll! Team jump and fist-pump!
2013-10-10 02:24:46
@brx0: @MockTM What, no romantic reunion after the big fight? Don’t they know their movie tropes?
2013-10-10 02:24:52
@szvan: @MockTM Only through brutal, brutal elimination of violence shall we achieve world peace.
2013-10-10 02:25:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Only through eliminating violence WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE AND NINJA SWORDS…
2013-10-10 02:25:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM IMDB does not have most of these credits, I’m told by @szvan — I’m guessing they sued to have their names removed.
2013-10-10 02:26:12
@CA7746: @MockTM Oooh, ultra-stereo
2013-10-10 02:26:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM Only through eliminating violence with vaguely danceable pop music and groping beachgoers can we achieve world peace!
2013-10-10 02:26:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “All the characters are fictitious!?” No way! Owns-self-with-pipe-guy MUST be real! My whole worldview depends on it!
2013-10-10 02:27:22

Mock The Movie: Miami Connection transcript

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