Mock The Movie: Total Recall transcript

Last night we took on the universally-beloved sci-fi flick Total Recall. I say “universally beloved” because people either remember the lady with three boobs, or they mistook the movie for Robocop with Arnold Schwarzenegger, or they had their memories rewritten to have enjoyed it. Nobody liked it legitimately, I assure you.

Transcripts will be available here. Um, shortly. As soon as I can get them uploaded.

Get your ass to below-the-fold.

@blakestacey: The NSA can read our @MockTM jokes in real time, the poor sods.
2013-08-01 00:55:56
@szvan: @MockTM Clouds has communicators?
2013-08-01 01:00:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM From We Tri Star Hard Pictures…
2013-08-01 01:00:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Who rents out a whole canal to put your film studio in, in today’s economy?
2013-08-01 01:01:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM This is how you say “from the makers of ROBOCOP” in music.
2013-08-01 01:01:02
@jacobdiemer: Participating in my first @MockTM. Sadly, I own it on DVD.
2013-08-01 01:01:37
2013-08-01 01:01:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM California governor joke, we’re walking, we’re walking…
2013-08-01 01:01:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM Michael Ironside, because of course.
2013-08-01 01:01:54
@szvan: @MockTM I like the way everyone’s name slinks off the bottom of the screen.
2013-08-01 01:02:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ronny Cox? Wow, I haven’t seen him in a movie since ever!
2013-08-01 01:02:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Based on the Philip K. Dick short story “We can Blow That Shit Up For you Wholesale”
2013-08-01 01:02:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM 25-cent extras by Disposables of Hollywood, Inc.
2013-08-01 01:03:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Somewhere in the 20th century…”
2013-08-01 01:03:15
@CA7746: @MockTM Great, now I’m seeing afterimages of credits.
2013-08-01 01:03:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Screenplay by some guys that Philip K Dick would have put a hit on, if he had the opportunity.
2013-08-01 01:03:18
@brx0: @blakestacey @MockTM Some poor intern at Ft. Meade is stuck with reading & analyzing YouTube comments, all day, every day.
2013-08-01 01:04:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We sent humans to Mars to determine whether or not it was entirely made of paprika. Turns out it was!
2013-08-01 01:04:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM In space, everyone can hear you Schwarzenegg.
2013-08-01 01:04:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “you know you’re the girl of my dreams” – lines which work, apparently?
2013-08-01 01:06:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You know you’re the girl of my dreams, even though you’re way hotter and darker-skinned and have this mole in them.”
2013-08-01 01:06:18
@szvan: @MockTM Of course, the first time I saw that scene, I didn’t know Schwarzenegger harassed women.
2013-08-01 01:06:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Minimal use of force” + executions in the streets = yup, Verhoeven movie
2013-08-01 01:07:08
@CultOfCourtney: @szvan @MockTM Makes that part where he’s grabbing her leg a lotttttt ickier.
2013-08-01 01:07:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s boring. A revolution could break out there any second.” One of these things is not like the other.
2013-08-01 01:07:51
@CA7746: @MockTM McFly! YOU’RE FIRED!!! Sorry, wrong wall.
2013-08-01 01:07:54
@cbdawson: @MockTM I want to do something with my life… like be a governator.
2013-08-01 01:08:46
@cbdawson: @CultOfCourtney @szvan @MockTM My reaction exactly.
2013-08-01 01:09:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I feel like I was made for something more than this – like politics!”
2013-08-01 01:09:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s GOTTA be the future, because the World Series is being played in someplace outside of America!
2013-08-01 01:09:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, the future has the same Brutalist architect as Boston’s Government Center. Good to know.
2013-08-01 01:10:40
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM It’s not a good body scanner if we can’t see genitals.
2013-08-01 01:10:50
@CA7746: @MockTM The jackhammer’s not even on. That’s just Arnold flexing.
2013-08-01 01:11:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the future, we still have 80s jingles.
2013-08-01 01:11:02
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM We have space travel, memory implants, but still use jackhammers?
2013-08-01 01:12:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, pfft, you and your quaint safety concerns.
2013-08-01 01:12:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM QWERTY keyboards – of the FUTURE!
2013-08-01 01:12:17
@szvan: @MockTM Wow, in the future, buildings will look like they were poured in the early 1970s.
2013-08-01 01:12:28
@cbdawson: @MockTM The future: video phones, because we can’t be bothered to look at the person through the window.
2013-08-01 01:12:40
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM Screw fake memories and interplanetary travel. Give me that nail polish color changer.
2013-08-01 01:13:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fun fact: the animation of the planets is from Caltech’s MECHANICAL UNIVERSE.
2013-08-01 01:13:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’s the same about every single vacation you’ve taken?” “The antibiotics I have to take for STDs when I get back?”
2013-08-01 01:15:31
@szvan: @MockTM I didn’t care for this movie the first time, but having read the Dick story tells me what they threw away.
2013-08-01 01:15:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM They really are heaping on the “it’s all a fantasy” clues in this scene.
2013-08-01 01:17:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Your sexual orientation?” “Schoolgirl.”
2013-08-01 01:17:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sexual orientation?” “Bilateral.”
2013-08-01 01:17:45
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM Oh, he’s not interested in extramarital hanky panky. Good to know.
2013-08-01 01:18:14
@szvan: @MockTM “How do you like your women? Blond, brunette, redhead, *exotic*?”
2013-08-01 01:18:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, there’s our 4 seconds of Female Gaze.
2013-08-01 01:18:58
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM Good to know in the future that women are still just objects.
2013-08-01 01:19:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Rockin’ the swirl on the lab coat.
2013-08-01 01:20:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Only took eight shots of that sedative stuff to calm him down.
2013-08-01 01:20:37
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, aerodynamics.
2013-08-01 01:21:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Please state the nature of the travel emergency.”
2013-08-01 01:21:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Glad to see that animatronic technology has come so far.
2013-08-01 01:21:52
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM WATCH THE ROAD, Johnny Cab!
2013-08-01 01:22:05
@blakestacey: @MockTM Cost of extras: $0.75.
2013-08-01 01:23:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM JUDO CHOP
2013-08-01 01:23:07
@CA7746: @MockTM Can’t let a sexy tennis instructor steal the scene.
2013-08-01 01:23:41
@CultOfCourtney: Husband: “I’m glad you can appreciate a classic like Total Recall.”
Me: *doesn’t tell him about @MockTM *
2013-08-01 01:24:20
@szvan: @MockTM Maybe wash those hands? Just a thought.
2013-08-01 01:25:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Dr. Ironside? Great bedside manner!
2013-08-01 01:25:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ikea-no-jitsu!
2013-08-01 01:25:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Still up and moving after two successive crotch hits? Truly, he IS the man of tomorrow.
2013-08-01 01:26:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is this a delusion?” “What, your hands? What about them? They’re fine!”
2013-08-01 01:26:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why are you doing this Lori?” “Well I didn’t get the karate holoinstructor for nothing!”
2013-08-01 01:26:58
@szvan: @MockTM “Do you think I’m stupid?” “Um, do I have to answer that?”
2013-08-01 01:27:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Doug, there’s something I want you to know. Got your guuuuun.”
2013-08-01 01:28:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Clever girl. Hunting in packs.”
2013-08-01 01:28:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Clever girl.” “You’ve wanted to say that ever since you saw JURASSIC PARK, didn’t you?”
2013-08-01 01:28:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, maybe we’re meant to judge “cleverness” relatively. Grading on the curve with *these* guys…
2013-08-01 01:29:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, that guy from Robocop sure does have a monopoly on future evil!
2013-08-01 01:29:20
@szvan: @MockTM “We blew the budget on fake sweat. We didn’t have much left over for graphics.”
2013-08-01 01:29:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s great that Rekall implanted all these memories of things that Quaid can’t possibly be aware of!
2013-08-01 01:30:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fortunately, security technology is made of sugar glass.
2013-08-01 01:30:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where is he?” “Google Latitude says he’s heading for the escalator!”
2013-08-01 01:31:25
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing they’re all using those low-energy bullets.
2013-08-01 01:31:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM New kills: 5. Cost to date: $2.00.
2013-08-01 01:31:55
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM The part where he crashes through the scanner would be perfect for 3D. I’ll be awaiting my check for millions of dollars, Hollywood.
2013-08-01 01:32:06
@cbdawson: @MockTM Apparently in the future we’ll all live in underground parking garages.
2013-08-01 01:32:11
@szvan: @MockTM Come on, dude. You can pop a vein in your forehead if you just try hard enough.
2013-08-01 01:32:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM We have a TITLE!
2013-08-01 01:33:20
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM That’s the name of the movie!
2013-08-01 01:34:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Enhance…”
2013-08-01 01:34:20
@cbdawson: @Mocktm Exactly what’s the physics behind a wet towel attenuating the tracker signal?
2013-08-01 01:34:45
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM Fuji Film ad?! LOL.
2013-08-01 01:34:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM In this future, I can’t tell if this hotel room is supposed to be dingy pay-by-the-hour or not.
2013-08-01 01:34:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Get some tin foil. It’ll muffle the signal.”
2013-08-01 01:35:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Terrorist!
2013-08-01 01:35:20
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM This movie is Glenn Beck’s worst nightmare.
2013-08-01 01:36:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No, don’t go out on the street in a turban, they’re bound to shoot you.
2013-08-01 01:36:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM At least our hero is a man who knows where his towel is.
2013-08-01 01:36:29
@szvan: @MockTM Ha, ha. Old ladies swearing. That’s so edgy.
2013-08-01 01:36:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, it’s the driving minigame of the movie!
2013-08-01 01:37:20
@szvan: @MockTM Do you think Robert Picardo still keeps “Johnnycab” on his resume?
2013-08-01 01:37:43
@CA7746: @MockTM Pay your fare or the cab will detonate. Effective business model.
2013-08-01 01:37:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM So. Failure mode of automatic taxi: accelerate wildly until nearest wall, explode. Gotcha.
2013-08-01 01:38:17
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM “Sue me, dickhead” is the secret self destruct code for all self-driving cars
2013-08-01 01:38:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ahaha. Mars uses red money. BECAUSE MARS.
2013-08-01 01:38:55
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a weapon, dude. Even I can tell that, and I’m not from your “future”.
2013-08-01 01:39:19
@szvan: @MockTM “Whatever your name is, get ready for a big surprise. Wait until I tell you about California.”
2013-08-01 01:40:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, this woman turned you gay?
2013-08-01 01:40:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I learned a few things. Like how to live. How to love. How to resurface an ancient alien artifact and terraform Mars.”
2013-08-01 01:40:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Seems legit.
2013-08-01 01:41:04
@szvan: @MockTM Wait. You mean a flaming cab might be a big ol’ beacon?
2013-08-01 01:41:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why doesn’t anyone ever cosplay as mid-bug-extraction Quaid?
2013-08-01 01:41:42
@CA7746: @MockTM How’d the damp towel help? The tracker was already in a bag of mostly water.
2013-08-01 01:41:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The prosthetic Arnold heads have gotta be on some sick collector’s shelf somewhere.
2013-08-01 01:42:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nothing goes with fluffy nougat like a little blood and cerebrospinal fluid.
2013-08-01 01:43:02
@szvan: @MockTM Wow, that rat held a lot of blood.
2013-08-01 01:43:47
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM Get my what where?
2013-08-01 01:44:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Welcome to the Mars Colony, sponsored by United Aerospace Corporation.”
2013-08-01 01:44:34
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM At least he’s immigrating to Mars LEGALLY.
2013-08-01 01:44:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Damn cut rate disguises. That’s the last time I skimp on the language pack.
2013-08-01 01:46:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM Um, where was the room for his head in that?
2013-08-01 01:46:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM There goes the poor schmuck with a TI-85 on his wrist.
2013-08-01 01:47:38
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM At least that’s a very flattering color for Arnold.
2013-08-01 01:48:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So automatically sealing blast doors, like our current fire suppression systems, stop existing in the future.
2013-08-01 01:48:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM That was at least $0.50 more in extras out the window.
2013-08-01 01:48:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, but automatic double doors exist for dramatic entrances into evil overlords’ offices.
2013-08-01 01:49:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Richter…do you think I’d look more evil if I wore glasses?”
2013-08-01 01:49:28
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM THE SPICE MUST FLOW!
2013-08-01 01:49:36
@szvan: @MockTM @CultOfCourtney It does beat the red that matched his angry face.
2013-08-01 01:49:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He who controls the turbinium, controls Mars. @jacobdiemer
2013-08-01 01:49:59
@szvan: @MockTM “The only thing I ever worry about is that Hollywood might stop needing OTT bad guys.”
2013-08-01 01:50:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I don’t give you enough information to THINK! Because that’s the trademark of effective MANAGEMENT!”
2013-08-01 01:50:24
@DrRubidium: the best thing about #totalrecall is reading all the @MockTM tweets #screwmars
2013-08-01 01:50:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, nice, Ronny Cox. So I HAVE seen him in something before. Robocop. TWO Robocop alumns.
2013-08-01 01:51:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hotel-lobby jazz. Smooth the whole solar system over.
2013-08-01 01:51:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM My last hotel stay was at the Sofitel where they pretended they spoke French. I’d love it if this Hilton’s employees spoke Martian.
2013-08-01 01:52:37
@CA7746: @MockTM Looks like somebody forgot to pay.
2013-08-01 01:53:11
@szvan: @MockTM Right. This was 1990. Real flesh gratuitous tit shots were an 80s thing.
2013-08-01 01:53:12
@szvan: @MockTM Enter plucky black sidekick.
2013-08-01 01:53:36
@CultOfCourtney: @szvan @MockTM Honestly, I’m surprised it took 53 minutes.
2013-08-01 01:53:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What do the rebels want?” “More air. The government is rationing the Perri-Air bottles.”
2013-08-01 01:54:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, look, the foreshadowdozer.
2013-08-01 01:54:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Three boobs… that’s normal, right? It’s normal to have three of a secondary sexual characteristic, right? I’m… just asking.
2013-08-01 01:56:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s about time we had a little sex to dilute the violence, isn’t it?
2013-08-01 01:56:30
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM My favorite part of the movie when I was 10!
2013-08-01 01:57:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You don’t gotta be a psychic mutant to know there’s some mojo between THOSE two. Yowza.
2013-08-01 01:57:05
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM lol “bulging.”
2013-08-01 01:57:35
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, privacy.
2013-08-01 01:57:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Inside what?” “That’s what she–no, wait, does that work?”
2013-08-01 01:59:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m sick of you and your goddamned lies.” “So you don’t believe the ‘married’ thing you got upset about just now!? So confused.”
2013-08-01 01:59:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ever fuck a mutant?” “Well, technically, everyone has some amount of mutation…”
2013-08-01 02:00:52
@DrRubidium: @MockTM MOAR Michael Ironside #badbaldy
2013-08-01 02:01:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m sorry to tell you this, Doug, but you’ve suffered a tech tech tech with a complication of tech.”
2013-08-01 02:02:20
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM “No need to be rude” = not usually my reaction to having a gun shoved in my face.
2013-08-01 02:03:55
@szvan: @MockTM Well, as this is a movie, I know what my choice is. #OccamsScreenwriter
2013-08-01 02:04:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What’s bullshit, Mr. Quaid? Absurd sci-fi scenario X or Y?”
2013-08-01 02:04:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM TAKE THE BLUE PILL.
2013-08-01 02:04:33
@szvan: @MockTM I guess a punch is more effective if the guy is already moving that direction.
2013-08-01 02:06:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So now he’s fantasizing about being brutalized. Strange id this guy has.
2013-08-01 02:07:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wait, was that $1.00 or $1.25 in extras?
2013-08-01 02:07:58
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM Little known fact: This movie won an Oscar for over-dramatic grunting.
2013-08-01 02:08:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh hey, the plot alarm went off on that elevator! Let’s take a different one!!
2013-08-01 02:09:18
@szvan: @MockTM How convenient that they put a second ladder there for absolutely no functional reason.
2013-08-01 02:10:35
@szvan: @MockTM I suspect that the stuntman wasn’t supposed to land with his head against the post.
2013-08-01 02:11:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I had nightmares about that drilling rig as a kid. Seriously.
2013-08-01 02:11:49
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM If the taxi explodes if you don’t pay fare, what does it do if you break out the window?
2013-08-01 02:12:00
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM Oh, so this movie was also a formative childhood influence on you, too?
2013-08-01 02:13:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Barroom brawl, Mars style!
2013-08-01 02:14:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, dammit, I lost count of the 25-cent extras.
2013-08-01 02:14:16
@szvan: @MockTM I think this guy might have a temper problem. No wonder big baddie doesn’t tell him much.
2013-08-01 02:14:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Points for trying to go through the circle, but demerits for knocking the bottom half of the frame out.
2013-08-01 02:14:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Stop fighting and pull out.” “That’s what—oh, hmm, maybe I shouldn’t go there.”
2013-08-01 02:14:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, three breasts on a woman at the Eight Ball Club? Methinks there are some other sexual mutants hiding out there!
2013-08-01 02:15:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh shit! The fans are stopping! Now how will the gas move through those pipes and into the habitable areas?
2013-08-01 02:16:03
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Pretty much.
2013-08-01 02:16:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM Huh, they’ve wandered into a METROPOLIS homage.
2013-08-01 02:16:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ah, you fell for the old hiding-behind-the-mummified-corpse trick!
2013-08-01 02:17:14
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM This movie is so relatable. I get super turned on and want to make out next to skeletons ALL THE TIME.
2013-08-01 02:17:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, don’t worry about me, man! I’m on your side!” “Ah, your left arm is white. You’re a mutant too!”
2013-08-01 02:17:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now how do you hide a wet mutant stomach-baby under a thin zip-up jacket?
2013-08-01 02:20:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Please, take my hands…” “Um, do I have to?”
2013-08-01 02:20:15
@szvan: @MockTM I remember that guy’s clothes fitting much better before he revealed he was a mutant.
2013-08-01 02:20:22
@CultOfCourtney: @lousycanuck @MockTM Spanx.
2013-08-01 02:20:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’d be more inclined to open my mind to you if you weren’t drawing out that last syllable so creepily, you know.
2013-08-01 02:20:58
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM UM, it’s a Member’s Only jacket! #duh 😛
2013-08-01 02:22:39
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh no! They’re geomodding!
2013-08-01 02:22:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM This is where we find out that the whole core of Mars is nonsense, right?
2013-08-01 02:22:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now I expect there to be goblins piloting those drill rigs like in Labyrinth.
2013-08-01 02:22:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You know what this movie needs? More gunfire.
2013-08-01 02:23:35
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I ain’t even married.” “What’s that got to do with kids?”
2013-08-01 02:24:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How can you do this? You’re a mutant!” “Self-loathing?”
2013-08-01 02:24:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It was the only way to fool the psychics. Other than finding a mutant we could pay off, apparently.”
2013-08-01 02:26:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s the best mind-fuck yet.” “You haven’t seen THE PRISONER, have you?”
2013-08-01 02:27:18
@CA7746: @MockTM After all the nutshots, I’m suprised they’re not busted already.
2013-08-01 02:28:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Relax, Quaid. You’ll like it when I reprogram you because I’ll reprogram you to like it.
2013-08-01 02:28:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM On top of everything else, Cohaagen is an MRA.
2013-08-01 02:29:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I like that one of the perks of being rewritten is that he’ll get to have sex with Melina. Like that wouldn’t happen otherwise.
2013-08-01 02:30:15
@CA7746: @MockTM Aluminum rods totally go *pong*.
2013-08-01 02:30:41
@CA7746: @MockTM Must’ve only had time to erase the ‘demure’.
2013-08-01 02:31:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you still you?” “Well I can’t remember math, but…”
2013-08-01 02:31:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You have to make a decision, sir.” “Okay. Go with chocolate cake. Most of the party goers will be okay with that.”
2013-08-01 02:32:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM SYMBOLISM
2013-08-01 02:32:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No goldfishes or mutants were harmed in the making of this film.
2013-08-01 02:32:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Bye…bye…miss…Amer…i…can…pie…drove…my…”
2013-08-01 02:33:00
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM Won’t someone help Hank Schrader?
2013-08-01 02:33:15
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, gratuitous evil.
2013-08-01 02:34:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The giant hand drill! Another great Union Aerospace Corporation product. Come to Mars where you’ll have a hell of a time!
2013-08-01 02:35:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Quaid! Get over here!” “What is it?” “There’s an opening.” “I knew it!” “Then why’d you ask, asshole!?”
2013-08-01 02:35:57
@szvan: @MockTM Time is short. Let’s walk.
2013-08-01 02:36:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM I guess I signed away my right to complain about science when I pushed “play” on this, didn’t I?
2013-08-01 02:36:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Melted ice releases oxygen? Wow. The things I learn about science!
2013-08-01 02:37:02
@szvan: @MockTM Time is short. Let’s wait.
2013-08-01 02:37:06
@CA7746: @MockTM Circular firing squad.
2013-08-01 02:37:27
@szvan: @MockTM I can seeeee you.
2013-08-01 02:37:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM Holograms make sound! Because reasons!
2013-08-01 02:38:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, since that’s a hologram, and they’re both shooting from opposite directions, shouldn’t they be killing one another?
2013-08-01 02:38:13
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM That’s like $2.25 in extras!
2013-08-01 02:38:55
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM That only works 60 seconds from now, not now.
2013-08-01 02:39:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Penultimate boss fight!
2013-08-01 02:39:40
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM Finally, a hologram we can shoot through!
2013-08-01 02:39:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, so after Quaid beats Richter, next comes Dracula, right?
2013-08-01 02:40:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Or was the next boss Ridley, the Space Pirate slash pterodactyl thing?
2013-08-01 02:40:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I didn’t want it to end this way. I didn’t want to have to monologue!”
2013-08-01 02:41:33
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM Who eats cornflakes for dinner? Is “home in time for cornflakes” a thing?
2013-08-01 02:42:10
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM Only a bad guy eats Corn Flakes for dinner.
2013-08-01 02:42:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, Melina’s poor shooting is responsible for all inconvenience from here on out, yes?
2013-08-01 02:42:16
@CA7746: @MockTM Were those boots sewn on?
2013-08-01 02:42:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hand print identification please. Hand print identification please.”
2013-08-01 02:42:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Don’t do it! We’ll all die!” “Not the most convincing argument under the circumstances!”
2013-08-01 02:43:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t do it, we’ll all die!” “Dammit, if I’m going to have to die, I’m taking everyone else with us!”
2013-08-01 02:43:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Help me! Please! I’ve been assaulted by makeup technicians!”
2013-08-01 02:43:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, it sure is lucky that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a passable facsimile of a three-fingered Martian.
2013-08-01 02:44:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quaaaaaid!” “Nice leeeeeeggggs!”
2013-08-01 02:44:24
@szvan: @MockTM It’s nice that they all get to tumble before they start to decompress.
2013-08-01 02:44:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Darn it, this is unsmoothing my jazz!”
2013-08-01 02:45:21
@CA7746: @MockTM I didn’t think Arnold’s body could look MORE inflated.
2013-08-01 02:45:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Interesting that the air exploding out of the surface is enough to revive the people inside the sealed, deoxygenated domes.
2013-08-01 02:45:59
@szvan: @MockTM This was where I started waiting for the *massive* hickeys.
2013-08-01 02:46:04
@CA7746: @MockTM Good news: there’s air! Bad news: the city collapsed on everyone.
2013-08-01 02:46:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, I’m sure a little explosive decompression never hurt anyone. They’ll be back to normal soon.
2013-08-01 02:46:46
@szvan: @MockTM The glass is breaking under the pressure, and they’re still gasping for air?
2013-08-01 02:47:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, bad news everyone — it turns out that rapidly melting the entire ice core of Mars results in steam and earthquakes.
2013-08-01 02:47:39
@CultOfCourtney: @MockTM I like how in the future if your face/body expands or stretches in any way, it can go back to its original form in mere seconds!
2013-08-01 02:48:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well thank goodness all that violence didn’t destroy the neon sign of titties.
2013-08-01 02:48:39
@szvan: @MockTM And this was the point at which I started laughing. I had to explain it to everyone with me. No hickeys?!
2013-08-01 02:48:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hope the planet doesn’t need plants or anything.
2013-08-01 02:49:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Credit: “Fat Lady” Moreover you know which character that is, because Hollywood.
2013-08-01 02:49:55
@szvan: @MockTM Actually, I think dreams have better dialogue.
2013-08-01 02:50:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Good thing this is really a dream or this would be a very short-lived victory.” @blakestacey
2013-08-01 02:50:31
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, viewers, survey: was it all a dream? Did it all, within the confines of fiction, happen? Do we care?
2013-08-01 02:50:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey Yes, comma, no.
2013-08-01 02:51:17
@CA7746: @MockTM It was a hallucination. He was running through hallways going pew pew pew!
2013-08-01 02:52:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM True or false: there has never, ever been a good movie about Mars.
2013-08-01 02:52:56
@CultOfCourtney: @blakestacey @MockTM Confines of fiction?! I thought this was a documentary!
2013-08-01 02:53:00
@CultOfCourtney: @lousycanuck @MockTM False. Rocketman.
2013-08-01 02:53:13
@jacobdiemer: @MockTM It was all a bad case of indigestion,
2013-08-01 02:53:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Related: why the hell can’t Doom be made *well*?
2013-08-01 02:53:41
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM Within the short story, it was no dream. Do we expect the moviemakers to have been creative?
2013-08-01 02:54:20
@jacobdiemer: @lousycanuck @MockTM I have high hopes for The Veronica Mars Movie
2013-08-01 02:54:35
@lousycanuck: @CultOfCourtney @MockTM Plot Keywords: […] white picket fence | title based on song | flatulence | chimpanzee
2013-08-01 02:55:00
@lousycanuck: @jacobdiemer @MockTM YES.
2013-08-01 02:55:13
@CultOfCourtney: @lousycanuck @MockTM See? Can’t go wrong.
2013-08-01 02:55:47
@lousycanuck: @CultOfCourtney @MockTM Probably very true!!
2013-08-01 02:57:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM SHARK WEEEEEEEEEK
2013-08-01 02:59:41

Mock The Movie: Total Recall transcript

One thought on “Mock The Movie: Total Recall transcript

  1. 1

    Come on, the whole “you might not be who you really are” thing really blew my mind when I was fifteen.

    Thankfully, Total Recall essentially vaccinated me from that kind of lazy thinking, so that I was able to recognize The Matrix for the crappy film it was, and I was able to mock friends and coworkers who were convinced by Keanu Reeves’s “masterful” performance that they could bend the laws of nature (physics, gravity, etc) if they could only believe hard enough.

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