Mock the Movie: Masque of the Red Death transcript

I can’t believe so many people proclaimed so loudly and strongly that this was a good movie. Seriously. It wasn’t even good as a movie divorced from any knowledge of Poe’s original works. Sorry, Vincent Price. They can’t all live up to your legacy. Not when Roger Corman is trying to prove what he can do with a budget.

Remember to check the Mock the Movie page for transcripts, subtitle files and future airdates! CA7746 sent me SRTs for Mega Python vs Gatoroid, which will be available on that page. Still have to reparse the transcript for Atom Age Vampire, as well.

@MockTM: Tonight’s mocking postponed until Friday. RT @szvan: Mock the Movie: Friday Edition: @MockTM
2013-04-10 17:55:43
@leilah: @MockTM @szvan Yay! I was hoping I wouldn’t have to miss this one.
2013-04-10 19:05:02
@brx0: @szvan @MockTM @lousycanuck Cool, I may actually be able to make this one, for a change.
2013-04-11 00:40:31
@szvan: @brx0 @MockTM @lousycanuck Hooray! We’ve been missing you.
2013-04-11 00:48:09
@leilah: @MockTM Blue Moon – gin, violet liqueur, bit of lemon. Tasty!
2013-04-13 00:50:29
@szvan: @MockTM @leilah Ooh. Fancy. 🙂
2013-04-13 00:51:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Time to whip up a drink before the movie, after last-second dash to fix my scrape bot. My usual feed scraper box is in Canada! :/
2013-04-13 00:54:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Limoncello, Grand Marnier and Blue Curacao. You know, citrus. For my cold. 😀
2013-04-13 00:58:18
@SpokesGay: @lousycanuck @MockTM Or Collette Rearden style. “For the bruise.”
2013-04-13 00:58:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM I’m miserable, edgy and tired. I’m in the perfect mood for riffing on a bad movie.
2013-04-13 00:59:37
@drskyskull: .@MockTM Damn! Have to miss it — need to entertain while mother-in-law is in town. 🙁
2013-04-13 00:59:51
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM What about Roger Corman’s most passable effort?
2013-04-13 01:00:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM American International? American imperialism has gone TOO FAR.
2013-04-13 01:00:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM Betraying Poe’s legacy has got me so mad I could ROAR!
2013-04-13 01:01:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Produced by Roger Corman. Directed by Roger Corman. Starring Roger Corman. Gaffer: Roger Corman. Special Thanks to: Ed Wood.
2013-04-13 01:01:30
@CA7746: @MockTM One of Palpatine’s guards got stranded on Dagobah.
2013-04-13 01:01:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “*Very* far from a story by Edgar Allan Poe”
2013-04-13 01:02:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Fair is foul, foul is fair / hover through the soundstage’s filthy air”
2013-04-13 01:02:38
@szvan: @MockTM “Tell them they’ll like the fire after that frying pan.”
2013-04-13 01:02:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “ROAD HOG!!”
2013-04-13 01:02:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this…flower!”
2013-04-13 01:03:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Ah, Prince Prospero can make his own damn way.”
2013-04-13 01:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “An old man on the hill made a prophecy. He said ‘no gods, no kings’. And something about going Galt.”
2013-04-13 01:04:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM He’s called Prospero, but he’s got the *style* of a Iago!
2013-04-13 01:04:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is not for your entertainment. There’s a line-item in the party manifest about ‘hookers and blow’ that is more your style.”
2013-04-13 01:06:13
@ReasJack: @MockTM Dad is toast
2013-04-13 01:06:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Winter is coming!” “psst, wrong show.”
2013-04-13 01:07:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “That is one wicked tanning bed accident.”
2013-04-13 01:07:21
@ReasJack: @MockTM Maybe It’s Maybelline/
2013-04-13 01:07:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, I see, they’re burning that house because “winter comes” and this guy just wants his people to be warm.
2013-04-13 01:07:44
@szvan: @MockTM So, when I said, “Enjoy that fire….”
2013-04-13 01:07:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, there’s no *way* they can claim *that* was just ceremonial deism.
2013-04-13 01:08:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Blucher!”
2013-04-13 01:09:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That cross you wear around your neck. Is it a decoration, or can you throw it to destroy all the enemies on screen?”
2013-04-13 01:09:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “They’re being (*coughdrawnandcough*) quartered.”
2013-04-13 01:10:35
@ReasJack: @mockTM She fights the bath, but gives up the cross without a peep?
2013-04-13 01:10:45
@szvan: @MockTM She doesn’t know much about this “bathing” thing, does she?
2013-04-13 01:11:06
@szvan: @MockTM It’s nice of Corman to include an homage to the author whose story he’s ignoring.
2013-04-13 01:12:09
@CarlieP: @MockTM Dangit, I forgot! Just cued up on “is it the beating of your own heart”
2013-04-13 01:12:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The anatomy of terror?” “Well, to start with, terror has a notochord during the embryonic stage…”
2013-04-13 01:12:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, the swinging axe pendulums, I’ve played that level.
2013-04-13 01:12:27
@szvan: @MockTM It’s just possible that Price’s mustache has been spoiled for me forever.
2013-04-13 01:12:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And now we’re tired of ignoring the original story so here’s a young girl doing ballet with a dog.”
2013-04-13 01:13:14
@CarlieP: @MockTM Creepy child dancer?
2013-04-13 01:13:37
@ReasJack: @mockTM Vincent Price can’t believe he gets to do this for a living
2013-04-13 01:14:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Well, it’s more endearing than Jabba’s palace entertainers…”
2013-04-13 01:14:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That guy has everything, even a Tiny Dancer. Oh dear, I just thought of the rest of the words of the song, I take that back.
2013-04-13 01:14:21
@CarlieP: @MockTM EW EW EW EW EW
2013-04-13 01:14:45
@CA7746: @MockTM A lotta bear heads on that wall. Prospero loves porridge.
2013-04-13 01:15:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So nice of Jeannie to make a cameo. And Jasmine, and that lady from the Monty Python skit in Holy Grail about spankings.
2013-04-13 01:15:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude, they’re not laughing with you.
2013-04-13 01:16:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The *Red* Death? Darn, I was hoping for the gothy one.”
2013-04-13 01:16:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Senorita Escobar!” “Que?”
2013-04-13 01:17:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM When he starts asking people to be a centipede, worry.
2013-04-13 01:17:34
@szvan: @MockTM Decadence. Ur doin it rong.
2013-04-13 01:17:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, everyone, what’s your inner furry? Yeah, do that. Because I can’t think of more than four animals.
2013-04-13 01:18:18
@ReasJack: @mockTM It’s like a sesame street version of Fifty Shades of Grey
2013-04-13 01:18:48
@CarlieP: @MockTM Was that supposed to be mind control, or are they all just supposed to be that bad at partying?
2013-04-13 01:19:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And you, let’s see your mantis shrimp!”
2013-04-13 01:19:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Famine, pestilence, war, disease and itchiness.
2013-04-13 01:19:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM To open the door to the Creator? Wasn’t that Islington’s plan?
2013-04-13 01:19:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Famine! Pestilence! War! Guys like me!”
2013-04-13 01:20:13
@ReasJack: @mockTM disease, death, and well, me.
2013-04-13 01:20:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM “If a god of love of and life ever did exist, we declare that episode non-canon.”
2013-04-13 01:20:35
@CarlieP: @MockTM He has his cosplay costumes in that room, is my guess.
2013-04-13 01:21:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What’s in there?” “My…comic book collection?”
2013-04-13 01:21:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Quick, everyone speculate on the contents of the room. I’m going with wall to wall tub of chocolate pudding.
2013-04-13 01:21:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I think my thoughts dwell on the same subject as you.” “How best to translate Beowulf?”
2013-04-13 01:22:15
@CarlieP: @mocktm That dress is in serious danger of gravity.
2013-04-13 01:22:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Judging by the slow pan through the room, and the high viola strains, either the cameraman is Dracula, or a mosquito.
2013-04-13 01:22:49
@CA7746: @MockTM C’mon cthonic horror… -_-
2013-04-13 01:23:02
@szvan: @MockTM How did she maintain the bouffant in the village?
2013-04-13 01:23:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM She’s got very Star Trek TOS hair.
2013-04-13 01:23:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, that, don’t worry about that. It’s just a man in a cloak casting that man in a cloak shadow.
2013-04-13 01:23:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM From the other room, Prospero can be heard to say: “KLAATU VERATA NIKTO”
2013-04-13 01:24:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OHWA TANA SIAM
2013-04-13 01:25:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA
2013-04-13 01:25:48
@szvan: @MockTM Corman’s entire direction to her consisted of “Look at me like I just told you to do something totally stupid. Perfect!”
2013-04-13 01:25:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Sum, es, est, sumus, et cetera…”
2013-04-13 01:26:31
@CA7746: @MockTM Ha! The sacrifice had to willingly enter.
2013-04-13 01:26:41
@ReasJack: @mockTM Is this the least guarded castle in history?
2013-04-13 01:27:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, I see, he kept his mismatched mythologies in that room.
2013-04-13 01:27:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, so they finally found a good bird impersonator!
2013-04-13 01:27:48
@CarlieP: @mocktm I had a nightlight when I was a kid that looked exactly like that orange window.
2013-04-13 01:27:58
@szvan: @MockTM What they don’t show you is the two of them back in the black room laughing over how easy that was.
2013-04-13 01:28:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s a good thing birds can never carry diseases.”
2013-04-13 01:30:25
@CarlieP: @mocktm That line would have been more ominous if he hadn’t delivered it wearing a pale blue turban with a huge rhinestone in the front.
2013-04-13 01:30:40
@szvan: @MockTM “How did you learn how to fight?” “I looked at the script.”
2013-04-13 01:33:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM The Duel of the Foley Artists!
2013-04-13 01:33:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Stop them! They’re horrible at sword fighting, it’s going to take ages! We need more time for more creepy meanderings in nightgowns!
2013-04-13 01:33:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Where *did* you learn to fight like that?” “Wii.”
2013-04-13 01:33:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You’ve given me a puzzle to think about.” “It’s simple. You ask one if the other one’s lying — what? That was the puzzle right?”
2013-04-13 01:34:15
@ReasJack: @mockTM Bored, but unharmed.
2013-04-13 01:34:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They still haven’t specified which God of Love. Aphrodite? Shaft?
2013-04-13 01:35:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, is he talking about going Galt, then?
2013-04-13 01:36:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Be-LYLE? Sister, you’s gonna get smote by Belial.
2013-04-13 01:36:16
@szvan: @MockTM I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Satanic theology is just as incoherent as all the rest.
2013-04-13 01:36:22
@CA7746: @MockTM Branding is so hot.
2013-04-13 01:36:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hear me, O Manos!”
2013-04-13 01:36:55
@CarlieP: @mocktm Dragon boobs?!? Did anyone else see that statue but me?
2013-04-13 01:36:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Interesting kink that one has.
2013-04-13 01:37:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa whoa, they used the “Tiny Dancer” line about a midget liking her. Creeped out.
2013-04-13 01:37:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Slowly she opens the door… Then in bumbles a drunk Ralph Kramden into the wrong room.
2013-04-13 01:40:32
@szvan: @MockTM I always sleep in my bullet bra.
2013-04-13 01:40:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM A whole room of stuffed animals? Cuuute! <3 <3
2013-04-13 01:40:38
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’ve given away your soul!” “Yes, now it’s part of a collateralized soul obligation.”
2013-04-13 01:42:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, that lady what sold her soul to Satan is, so far, the only character in the movie that’s been helpful or traditionally-good.
2013-04-13 01:42:44
@ReasJack: @mockTM Immortality. But not talent.
2013-04-13 01:42:45
@szvan: @MockTM Aaand a cloak that lifts and separates.
2013-04-13 01:42:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If you wear this Little Beige Hood, nobody will recognize you. Mmm-hmm.
2013-04-13 01:43:24
@CarlieP: @szvan @MockTM Definitely an 18-hour cloak.
2013-04-13 01:43:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm They just showed her wearing slippers – how is she clicking across the floor?
2013-04-13 01:45:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gino?” “RARWGHARGBLA I mean *ahem* I could be…”
2013-04-13 01:45:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think I heard something.” “Oh sure, leave the table, just when I’m about to get Fizzbin.”
2013-04-13 01:46:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM Odds this is all just a ploy by Prospero to get some entertainment?
2013-04-13 01:46:38
@CarlieP: @MockTM Duh duh DUUUHHHHHNNNNN
2013-04-13 01:47:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hear me.” “WHAT? SPEAK UP rabble rabble”
2013-04-13 01:47:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “But they were just extras!”
2013-04-13 01:47:59
@szvan: @MockTM Could anyone but Corman get Price to put in a performance as a kinda dull and unimaginative Satanist?
2013-04-13 01:48:43
@ReasJack: @mockTM From what I’ve seen, five of these party guests could take out prospero’s whole guard corps.
2013-04-13 01:48:50
@CarlieP: @mocktm So I should clearly not choose the dagger in front of me…
2013-04-13 01:50:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Russian Roulette in the days where gunpowder was… um… invented in China? Clearly the poison is on the last one.
2013-04-13 01:50:53
@CarlieP: @mocktm But this knife says yuzu! I’ve never cooked with yuzu before this challenge!
2013-04-13 01:51:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “But clearly I cannot choose the knife in front of you.”
2013-04-13 01:52:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mwahahaha, MWAHAHAHAHA. AAaaah! … Lesson learned: do not put on costumes before midnight.
2013-04-13 01:55:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Who is your god?” “The true one.” “Yes?” “… Thor!”
2013-04-13 01:55:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What weapon could I use against Prospero?” “Love.” “But we haven’t even been on a date yet!”
2013-04-13 01:56:39
@CarlieP: @mocktm “Love will save you, Harry Pot.. er, I mean Gino.”
2013-04-13 01:56:43
@CarlieP: @mocktm There’s going to be an ape hunt, isn’t there?
2013-04-13 01:57:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Aww. Latin chanting, holding a thing before her — that she doesn’t clunk into her forehead. So many missed opportunities.
2013-04-13 01:59:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh man, she took the brown acid.
2013-04-13 01:59:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Mmm. Fruity little number, this.”
2013-04-13 01:59:51
@CarlieP: @mocktm Oh, that’s what this was missing, some casual racism.
2013-04-13 02:00:41
@szvan: @MockTM “Sleep, my child, and dream of all the ethnic stereotypes.”
2013-04-13 02:01:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sacrificed by a thousand historical inaccuracies.
2013-04-13 02:01:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I said to send me a *demon*, not the Cirque de Soleil!”
2013-04-13 02:01:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Uh-oh, Satan went and put her in red. I hear that’s a fashion no-no.
2013-04-13 02:02:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, I’ve played this game. They palette-swapped every room to save on data on disk.
2013-04-13 02:03:41
@CA7746: @MockTM ‘The Pit and the Pendulum’ makes a cameo appearance.
2013-04-13 02:03:41
@CA7746: @MockTM So everyone was loitering there, halfway down the stairs even.
2013-04-13 02:04:30
@CarlieP: @mocktm Wait, now this is Birdemic?
2013-04-13 02:04:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM Beauties of terror? Eh, more like of mild confusion, really.
2013-04-13 02:04:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh come on, that bird was clearly not even in the same room. She’s just being dramatic.
2013-04-13 02:05:06
@szvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck Professional victim.
2013-04-13 02:05:30
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM Obviously bullying that bird. Making it all up. Totally hysterical.
2013-04-13 02:06:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You killed them” “It was a kindness, my dear. I killed them with kindness.”
2013-04-13 02:08:30
@szvan: @MockTM “Look, after working so hard to prove that life is bad, I showed them mercy. How hard is that to understand?”
2013-04-13 02:09:02
@ReasJack: @mockTM From this film, I spared them from this film.
2013-04-13 02:09:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gently, my son. Remain here. Then use the Force.” “Thanks for the advice, Obi-Wan.”
2013-04-13 02:09:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, this is my favorite part. The Lobster Quadrille.
2013-04-13 02:11:24
@CarlieP: @mocktm That’s a little girl, but dubbed with an adult voice? They couldn’t find a woman to cast? Creepiest thing ever.
2013-04-13 02:11:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM The overdubbing on the child actor’s voice is the scariest thing about this movie.
2013-04-13 02:11:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, put me down! So I can torture you! Nobody makes a monkey out of Alfredo!!”
2013-04-13 02:13:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fair bit of red among the dancers, there.
2013-04-13 02:13:28
@szvan: @MockTM “I forbade them to wear red.” How’d that work out for you?
2013-04-13 02:14:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Um, dude, there’s all sorts of red all over the place. Maybe time to fire the technicolorist?
2013-04-13 02:15:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is this costume enough to disguise me?” “Wait a minute… Tor? TOR JOHNSON?! YOU OLD LUG!”
2013-04-13 02:16:06
@CarlieP: @mocktm The muppet moustache is not very intimidating.
2013-04-13 02:17:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Dance of Death. I don’t know this one. But it looks a lot like the Lobster Quadrille… boiled lobster.
2013-04-13 02:18:07
@CarlieP: @mocktm No, no, he has inflicted them with modern dance! Not that!
2013-04-13 02:18:19
@szvan: @MockTM So the dance of death is modern interpretive then.
2013-04-13 02:18:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s time for a new dance to begin!” “Heeeeey, macabre-arena!”
2013-04-13 02:18:42
@ReasJack: @mockTM Great god, he was a satanic hipster!
2013-04-13 02:20:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Each man creates his own god for himself.” “Oh, so like when you pick your own traits in Age of Empires then.”
2013-04-13 02:21:26
@szvan: @MockTM “I’m not touching you!”
2013-04-13 02:21:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, I think they ripped this scene off for Jesus Christ Superstar. What’s the buzz, tell me what’s a happenin’
2013-04-13 02:22:12
@CA7746: @MockTM Poe’s story was written just before germ theory displaced miasma theory.
2013-04-13 02:22:38
@CA7746: @MockTM So the lesson is: Watch out for rotting things and ‘night air’.
2013-04-13 02:22:45
@ReasJack: @MockTM Death by Jazz Hands
2013-04-13 02:23:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, that’s totally a split-screen. There’s no way a stunt guy would ever shave his moustache to look like THAT.
2013-04-13 02:24:29
@CarlieP: @mocktm That’s going to be a lot for the servants to clean up in the morning.
2013-04-13 02:24:31
@CarlieP: @mocktm But where’s the blue power ranger?
2013-04-13 02:25:12
@CA7746: @MockTM Worst Skittles ad ever.
2013-04-13 02:25:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This movie’s lesson: redshirts always KILL first.
2013-04-13 02:25:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The real villains of this film: The Cabal known as ROY G BIV.
2013-04-13 02:26:24
@szvan: @MockTM Tonight’s lesson. There is no story, and no actor, that Roger Corman couldn’t make worse.
2013-04-13 02:26:47
@CarlieP: @mocktm That music drives me nuts, b/c a few bars are the same as “I have a love” from West Side Story.
2013-04-13 02:27:02
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’d the boyfriend need a Magic the Gathering card anyway?
2013-04-13 02:27:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, guys, I think this movie just told us to zark off.
2013-04-13 02:27:18
@CA7746: @MockTM I’m gonna guess Circle of Protection: Red.
2013-04-13 02:27:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Quick, someone tell this movie’s fortune.
2013-04-13 02:28:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, which of these people is responsible for red showing up all over the place at the masquerade??
2013-04-13 02:28:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hah! The dealer just made Fizzbin!
2013-04-13 02:28:51
@ReasJack: @lousycanuck @MockTM You will not meet a short golden stranger with folded arms
2013-04-13 02:29:16
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM Or was it Numberwang?
2013-04-13 02:29:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM The End – but the Red Death will return in THUNDERBALL
2013-04-13 02:30:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Turns out, the anatomy of terror is grossly padded.
2013-04-13 02:33:56
@CarlieP: @mocktm Did we see Francesca leave with Gino? She’s alive, but could still be wandering lost through the castle.
2013-04-13 02:33:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, when are we putting “Atlas Shrugged” on the schedule?
2013-04-13 02:43:09
@CA7746: @blakestacey @MockTM Calendar says Wed Jun 5, 2013.
2013-04-13 02:46:14

Mock the Movie: Masque of the Red Death transcript

2 thoughts on “Mock the Movie: Masque of the Red Death transcript

  1. 1

    After making my Birdemic comparison, I was then followed by the official twitter account of Birdemic. 😀

    Can we make suggestions? I know there’s already a backlog, but I just saw the description of a movie called “Konga” on Netflix instant and it’s this: “After a year in Africa, renowned botanist Charles Decker (Michael Gough) returns to England with Konga, a cute baby chimpanzee. Decker plans to test a carnivorous plant serum on the animal that will accelerate Konga’s growth. Soon, the chimp becomes immense and — at the behest of the mad doctor — goes on a killing spree the likes of which London hasn’t seen since Jack the Ripper. John Lemont helms this campy sci-fi production.”

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