I did a bit of digital archaeology and found two of our earliest transcripts had never been posted. Here’s Megapython Vs. Gatoroid, originally airing — err, tweeting — August 31st, 2011. This one was the natural Syfy follow-up to the inaugural Sands of Oblivion event that kicked off Mock The Movie — sadly, we didn’t get a transcript of the first run, so we eventually redid it.
I also found a transcript, in completely the wrong format, from our second-ever event: Atom Age Vampire. I’m going to have to parse it back into shape before I post it.
Go check out the brand-spankin’-new Mock The Movie page where all the old transcripts and subtitle files have been posted.
We’ve added .com For Murder at the end of the queue, with a tagline of “In cyberspace no one can hear you scream”. Come on, how could we not!?
And we’re actively taking submissions for new movies. The sweet spot on IMDB is between 2.5 and 4 stars. Anything lower than that is unwatchable, anything higher than that is probably too good to mock (or too self-aware to make for easy mocking). We get better participation when the movie’s available someplace for free — Hulu for Americans, Archive.org for everyone for movies that are now public domain, and Youtube for movies that may end up getting yanked before showtime (so be careful when offering movies from there). We do some movies that require paid services like Hulu Plus or Netflix now and again, but we try to space those out for better participation and access. Make your suggestions in the comments!
@drskyskull: @MockTM Paused on the “SyFy presents” screen, waiting to start!
@drskyskull: @MockTM Starting the movie!!!
@szvan: @MockTM Debbie Gibson and Tiffany?!? Nobody told me there’d be Tiffany!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, the same cave as in the last Crocosaurus. Continuity!!!
@drskyskull: @MockTM Oooooh, snaky shenanigans! O_o
@szvan: @MockTM And we have already achieved women in tank tops. Quality movie time.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Oh my gosh, he’s coming really fast!” #thatswhatshesaid #ohthatiswhatshesaid
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “THIS IS THE SNAKE POLICE, PULL OVER”
@drskyskull: @MockTM Was that cop car an Isuzu Samurai? It rolled pretty damn easy.
@szvan: @MockTM Yeah. The best way to avoid the cops is to shine your headlights straight on them after they’ve passed you. Uh, huh.
@blakestacey: Can’t get Netflix to work. Should probably sit @MockTM out tonight, anyway, what with obligations and all.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is our chance to make a difference by feeding this reticulated python to a crocodile. Go! Be free in that crocodile’s belly!
@szvan: @MockTM Those are tree snakes, not water snakes! Cruelty to snakes!
@drskyskull: @MockTM In a Spielbergian move, they waited a whole *5 minutes* before showing us a monster! #thisaintJaws
@lousycanuck: @MockTM First casualty: random dog. Who actually died by being shot by his master.
@szvan: @MockTM Short shorts. Official cop issue.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Isn’t there like, an Anti-Hillbilly-Defamation League to complain about this film?
@szvan: @MockTM At least SyFy is willing to admit that Obama is president.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Standard-cop-issue butterfly tattoos too.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Clearly the guy in the stained gray t-shirt is intended to replace Randy Quaid.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “HEY A THING! LET’S SHOOT AT IT BOYS”
@szvan: @MockTM “It was a python or a ‘conda.” Yeah. It was a boa, like all movie snakes.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Who knew that when ‘gators are being attacked, they go all CGI?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I love that the hillbillies were kinda aiming up, down, sideways, everywhere, to shoot at the CG monsters.
@drskyskull: @MockTM I think this movie needs a good dose of Ritalin.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You don’t get those tattoos by being a good cop and actually pursuing the suspected drunk driver that almost ran you off the road.
@szvan: @MockTM Just over ten minutes in, and I’m already rooting for the snakes.
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, look. They’re bitching at each other. I bet they’ll never, ever be romantically interested in each other.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How many times do I gotta say ‘okay?’ Seriously!”
@drskyskull: @MockTM Shouldn’t this movie have been on CMT, not SyFy?
@drskyskull: @MockTM See that iron fence in the background? That’s my favorite character so far.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The anti-hunter protesters need a catchier chant. “Hunters-are-cowards-stop-the-madness” doesn’t roll off the tongue.
@szvan: @MockTM Battle of the unnatural hair colors. I think Gibson wins, with eyeliner as the tie-breaker.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Pythons can lay up to a hundred eggs in a single clutch. If they want to draw on lots of child support.
@drskyskull: @MockTM This couple has a “wedding planner”? To help decide between desert or jungle camouflage for the bridal party?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *chomp* (no reaction) Python: “What, nothing? Fine.” *yank*
@drskyskull: @MockTM “PR people are crazy.” They said it would help her career to be in this movie!
@szvan: @MockTM And the constrictor relies on its teeth to capture its prey. I may know too much about snakes to watch this. Like, you know, basics.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Thank goodness the hillbillies are using hand signals, so the snakes can’t hear what they’re planning!
@szvan: @MockTM “I didn’t even see that there!” But the music and the hissing were dead giveaways.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you gonna do with it now?” “I was thinking of putting the head in a cookie pan to reanimate it. Wait, wrong movie.”
@szvan: @MockTM Really? They can’t even afford to use real fake eggs?
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Aw, that guy just went all to pieces.”
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, goody. These snakes chew their prey.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “It’s like shootin’ eggs in a barn.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A python that tore a person to pieces instead of, you know, swallowing it whole.
@szvan: @MockTM Clearly the cop is a bad guy. Look at how he shoots!
@drskyskull: @MockTM This movie has many similarities to “Alien”. For instance, both films have people in them.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, this movie also has something in common with Indiana Jones. That’s right, the Ark of the Covenant. (It’s off screen.)
@szvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM That would make this movie much more interesting than it is.
@drskyskull: @MockTM On the bright side, with all these yokels being eaten by snakes, the county’s heart attack and alcohol poisoning stats are down.
@drskyskull: @MockTM So is it just me, or does the snake sound like The Incredible Hulk sometimes? #foleyfail
@szvan: @MockTM How is it that the snake shed is patterned like a python when none of the “pythons” are?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What’s this!? TWO snakes?! How does our intrepid hero escape from THIS one? Tune in next time, same snake time, same snake channel!
@szvan: @MockTM OMG, it’s a scientific breakthrough! Snakes are social animals!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t worry, Shia LeBoeuf will save you! Oh, he’s being eaten. Isn’t that nice.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Anyone else remember the “Oh, I’m being eaten by a boa constrictor” poem?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Crayzeeeee!? MEeeEEEeeeEEE???” Uh, yes.
@szvan: @drskyskull @MockTM “Oh, heck. It’s up to my neck.”
@drskyskull: @MockTM “How are you going to take care of it?” Nuke the site from orbit — it’s the only way to be sure!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s right, the only hope they have is someone that’s been on Oprah. Don’t us skeptics look bad now. Dr. Phil to the rescue!
@szvan: @MockTM I’m going to find that snake, and I’m going to make it refund my wedding planning fee!
@drskyskull: @szvan @MockTM Oh, dread, it’s up to my — mmff!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Yeah, but they kicked us out. What are we gonna do?” “THAT’S what we’ll do. Be cute and Asian.”
@drskyskull: @MockTM Exciting camera-placing action!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Butterfly Cop is smiling a hell of a lot for someone that just lost her husband and her home and everything to pythons.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “So, by taking that…” *Stay* with us, Debbie!
@drskyskull: @MockTM “They wanted to come and get me!” So, this movie is inspired by Jaws: The Revenge??!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Their big plan is to feed steroid-infused chickens to crocodiles. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
@szvan: @MockTM The balance of nature must be a rage-fueled arms race…er, preserved.
@drskyskull: @lousycanuck @MockTM Shut up! The balance of nature must be preserved, with mutant alligators!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’s crazy about this? Just feeding steroids to gators. What could go wrong.” It’s like the authors knew what I would say.
@drskyskull: @MockTM I know that when I grieve, I try and create mutant super monsters.
@szvan: @MockTM “Who are you?” “Just your average slumming actor.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Did she seriously mistake the guy on a racoon trap for a gator hunter?
@szvan: @MockTM Gator montage! With dance music!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM TRAINING MONTAGE! Gonna fly now!
@szvan: @MockTM No, really. I think that gator was doing push-ups.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Anyone else think Diego looks a bit like a Hispanic Pierce Brosnan?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I didn’t know you could use a car power inverter to detect mega pythons. The things you learn.
@szvan: @MockTM These are very special animals. With enough steroids, they don’t even disturb the water!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, that’s it. The python and crocodile are keeping each other busy. Release Gamera!
@szvan: @MockTM And he leaves at the first sign of danger. There *is* one smart character in this movie. Of course, he’s the magic minority, but….
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What? I have to see a man about a monkey in an hour.”
@drskyskull: @MockTM “I have a monkey landing in an hour.” The euphemisms in this film are *very* obscure.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “LITERALLY massive. LITERALLY. Not figuratively massive. It had mass! A good deal of it!”
@drskyskull: @MockTM *literally* massive proportions. Good he qualified that, or I would have thought he was using massive figuratively. #WTF
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Sorry, miss, but you were Asian, so you had to die!!!”
@szvan: @MockTM Eat them! Eat them! No, not the minority. ALL of them.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And the only member of the protesters that doesn’t deserve to die, dies. Neither of the ones who need to be eaten get a scratch.
@drskyskull: @MockTM I’m getting the impression that Diego’s only skill is looking concerned about things.
@szvan: @MockTM Gators and snakes are such messy eaters.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “But why would someone cover a bunch of car parts in strawberry jam?”
@szvan: @MockTM Ooh. Another chance to kill them all and end the movie!
@drskyskull: @MockTM *Nice*, Diego — save the hot blonde, only.
@szvan: @MockTM Three down. The entire rest of the cast to go.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Left the room for two seconds and Raul Julia found a helicopter. At least the skeevy dude got et.
@drskyskull: @MockTM So, who is the hero of this film? Anyone? Anyone?
@szvan: @MockTM Someone should perhaps explain to Debbie Gibson that “Ann Coulter” isn’t a good look on her. Or anyone.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Remember the older cop? Her. She’s the hero of this film. @drskyskull
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing that gun is made of that special floating metal.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “What wuz that?” “I dunno; with my 3rd grade education, I’m not even sure wut I am!”
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck STFU! O_o
@drskyskull: @MockTM Snake is dead, friend is dead — it’s generic beer time!
@szvan: @MockTM Soooo…Mickey Dolenz career is now officially zombified.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The No Hunters logo on the dented laptop is a really nice touch. Great professor’s office you got there, Debbie.
@szvan: @MockTM Nooo! Don’t go in the cave! Never go in the cave in a SyFy movie!
@szvan: @MockTM Yeah, so, all you extras? Wear something nice…ish.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I found more eggs.” “More eggs? Great. Make the world’s biggest omelette. With mushrooms and onions.”
@szvan: @MockTM Maybe you go play bait for a bit, youngster.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Shia LeBoeuf is the best actor in this film. By far.
@szvan: @MockTM Now, prance! Because reptiles don’t give a shit about your gun, but they’re terrified of prancing.
@szvan: @MockTM “This beautiful, lush area…between my hands.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now everyone, keep drinking. And observe my beautiful lush area.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Okay, “gator baiting bitch” is my official Phrase of the Movie!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m not going anywhere til everyone sees this.” “What IS that?” “Your first MTV video.” *catfight ensues*
@drskyskull: @MockTM I suspect that this entire movie was designed simply as a vehicle for this girl fight.
@szvan: @MockTM Screenwriter: Okay, the movie’s gonna suck, but get this–a Tiffany/Debbie Gibson catfight! Huh? Huh?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And now we’re at the part where failed 80s pop stars rub pie on each others’ tits and faceplant in a pile of wine glasses.
@szvan: @MockTM No! He can’t have died off screen! Killing off the characters is the only good part of this movie!
@drskyskull: @MockTM Diego: “Strange, this bloody shirt shouldn’t be here.”
@drskyskull: @MockTM Oh, shit — the gators and the snakes are working *together* now!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They just killed Mickey Dolenz. And the megacrocks are marching in formation. Shit just got real.
@drskyskull: @MockTM They can’t show us the burning croc, because that animation cost too much money.
@szvan: @MockTM It’s such a good thing everyone brought their cheap, underpowered handguns to fight the monsters.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay. That’s it. I’m calling this one unscientific. Molotov Cocktails do NOT explode concussively.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “I think… we’re alone now.” BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
@szvan: @MockTM Screenwriter: Oh, and it includes the line “I think we’re alone now.” Huh? Come on. It’s genius, eh?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ladies and gentlemen, the money shot of the movie: “I think… we’re alone now.”
@drskyskull: @MockTM “There’s my truck — we’ll let the other guests serve as gator bait while we escape.”
@drskyskull: @MockTM Tanker trucks are the natural enemy of giant pythons.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Python attacks The Asylum blimp. I feel like I’m missing a reference.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Gators can’t see straight ahead.” I’m sure it will never turn it’s head.
@drskyskull: @MockTM She’s emptied all 20 rounds of her revolver at the monsters but they just keep coming!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *shoots thirty times from her six shooter* “We’re gonna need a bigger SUV.” Oh no! The second best actor in the film gets eaten!
@szvan: @MockTM We’re gonna be stuck with Tiffany and Gibson kissing and making up at the end, aren’t we. Fuck you, scriptwriter.
@drskyskull: @MockTM The sad thing is that all that carnage on the highway is just normal Miami rush hour traffic.
@szvan: @MockTM Is there a type of vehicle Diego doesn’t own?
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Take the stick while I load my gun.” *Speechless*
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You take the stick while I load my gun.” “Is that a euphemism?”
@drskyskull: @MockTM @szvan Kinda hoping that Diego and the gators will team up against Tiffany & Gibson before the end.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Wait, so Diego & Debbie are in love now?
@szvan: @MockTM Scriptwriter: Oh, and we can put Gibson in a minidress and cowboys boots. No, it’s not an 80s reference. I just like it.
@drskyskull: @MockTM The gator eggs sound like they’re farting.
@szvan: @drskyskull @MockTM This could be worth praying for.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM We’re reduced to Debbie Gibson assembling explosives without a manual. That’s our last best hope.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Diego keeps sneaking a peek at Tiffany’s rack. I mean, I don’t blame him.
@szvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck Does it count as sneaking when they’re hanging out like that?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan Well he was certainly being furtive about it for some reason. Maybe he didn’t want to admit he was looking.
@drskyskull: @MockTM Is it wrong that I’m actually kinda amused at Debbie Gibson, in a mini-dress, cursing as she tries to rig dynamite?
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Diego, are you okay?” “My face is stuck to the control stick!”
@drskyskull: @MockTM I think Diego is just faking being injured so he doesn’t have to hang out with Tiffany anymore.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And Tiffany’s *really* taking her time at loading up the trunk and bungying it half closed.
@szvan: @MockTM Yeah, honey, ’cause grabbing a car when they’re parked across all lanes will help you at all.
@szvan: @MockTM @drskyskull I admit to considering faking my own death to get out of the rest of this.
@drskyskull: @MockTM I’m guessing that the “snake pheromone” is actually unsold samples of Debbie Gibson’s perfume line.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “We have a visual on a survivor; should we pick him up?” Nah, fuck ’em!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Apparently snake pheromone mixed with aerosolized gasoline makes a mixture that explodes when you shoot near it.
@szvan: @MockTM Pythons? Only worth a stick. Those gators, though, require the gun.
@drskyskull: @MockTM I think Tiffany actually forgot what she was doing!
@szvan: @MockTM In case anyone hasn’t noticed, this costumer (and I use that term loosely) has a serious boot fetish.
@drskyskull: @MockTM @szvan Scene: A fine pair of tan leather boots, glistening in the Everglades sun…
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I like the label on the gas can saying “gas only”. e.g., “don’t mix snake pheromone because it’ll explode.”
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Where’s Diego? Is he okay?” “Who?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh no! What are we going to do?” “Well, I figured we’d stand here and do some exposition before we get in the shipping car.”
@szvan: @MockTM “Oh, now that we’re inside, let me take off some of this practical clothing!”
@drskyskull: @MockTM “It’s all my fault.” “No, it’s my fault.” It’s *both your fucking fault*!!!!
@szvan: @MockTM Holy crap! One of them actually died! There *is* hope for this movie!
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Oh, if only helicopters flew upwards, we could have saved her.”
@szvan: @MockTM Dammit. That one landed in the water. Any gators left?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And Tiffany is et. The crocs and pythons all get a bite or two. I guess she really DID have a hell of a rack.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Oh, if only helicopters flew *downwards*, we could save *her*!”
@szvan: @MockTM W00t! Both dead. Happy ending!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh good, that snake head is still hungry. Thank goodness the National Guard is completely inept and failed to save either of them.
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Those heroic women, who caused this whole mess… what was I saying?”
@drskyskull: @MockTM So… what have we learned, children?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Those are the ugliest etchings of the ugliest pop-cum-Syfy-movie-stars I’ve ever seen.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lesson: Not even Mickey Dolenz is safe. Nothing is sacred.
@szvan: @MockTM Lesson: Never, ever, ever make pop music.
@drskyskull: @MockTM This movie actually used stunt doubles? I figured they just said, “You’re 80s pop stars — get your asses in the stunt!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The moral of this story is don’t use experimental steroidal agents on anything but your rack.
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck I was going to suggest: If you hire Mickey Dolenz to perform at your party, you will be attacked by reptiles.
@drskyskull: @lousycanuck @MockTM Ha!
@drskyskull: @MockTM I’m torn — the movie had a very anti-women and 80s pop star message, but a very pro-hispanic/”Indian” message. O_o
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lesson: even crocodiles need training montages.
@szvan: @MockTM Lesson: You’re safe until you relax and take those boots off. Then you’re dead.
@drskyskull: @MockTM It was fun, guys — I’m sorry the others couldn’t join in!
@szvan: @MockTM @drskyskull I advocate for Black Sheep and plenty of warning for the next one.