Mock The Movie: House of Fears transcript

What do you get when you take a haunted house, add a dash of racist “curse from deepest Africa”, a handful of horror tropes that get paid lip service but never actually make the screen, then mix in a bunch of barely-pubescent teens, and totally neglect to include any character trait that might ever make any of the characters sympathetic? Well, except for that last bit you might end up with Scooby Doo or Johnny Quest, but with that last prerequisite, you evidently end up with House of Fears.

CA7746 has done the subtitles (and in color), and he’s even dipped back into the archives to do a few others. Here’s Laser Mission (and in color), and Night of the Demon.

@pzmyers: @MockTM is there a countdown for this thing? 8pm Central time, right?
2013-01-17 01:59:20
@CA7746: @MockTM Just about… now
2013-01-17 02:00:01
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers Yup!
2013-01-17 02:00:01
@drskyskull: @MockTM … and… go!
2013-01-17 02:00:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Dendrophobia. Today on This Old -Haunted- House.
2013-01-17 02:00:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m going, I’m going.
2013-01-17 02:01:06
@laencleardale: @MockTM Wait…what if I started too early? I might spoil part of the plot for others??!!
2013-01-17 02:01:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Previously, on House of Fears…”
2013-01-17 02:01:12
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Worst. Sex. Scene. Ever.
2013-01-17 02:01:16
@drskyskull: @MockTM Wood grain is SCARY!
2013-01-17 02:01:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Music by some guy applying a drill repeatedly to a piano.
2013-01-17 02:01:58
@CyberLizard: @MockTM I didn’t know Justin Bateman did music!
2013-01-17 02:02:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM This movie is about plywood or something?
2013-01-17 02:02:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Today on How It’s Made. Lumber!
2013-01-17 02:02:35
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m already dreading the big splinter scene.
2013-01-17 02:02:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Uh, I don’t see Al Capone’s treasure in here, Geraldo…”
2013-01-17 02:02:57
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Do you see anything?” said Canarvon. “Yes… crappy things.”
2013-01-17 02:03:06
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Did I miss it?
2013-01-17 02:03:40
@drskyskull: @MockTM I’m watching this movie on a 2.5” tall screen on my laptop. I think I’ve got a better experience than the rest of you.
2013-01-17 02:03:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m watching it on a big screen TV. Yes, you do.
2013-01-17 02:04:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Are they seriously desaturating and sepia-toning everything to make this Deepest Africa?
2013-01-17 02:04:27
@laencleardale: @MockTM Is white appropriate for illegal artifact trade meetings?
2013-01-17 02:04:52
@drskyskull: @MockTM So… is this movie just a scarier version of the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode?
2013-01-17 02:04:54
@pzmyers: @MockTM Who spilled the chocolate syrup?
2013-01-17 02:04:57
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait…Africa. Do they bleed chocolate, too?
2013-01-17 02:05:17
@drskyskull: @MockTM Aren’t movies supposed to introduce us to the characters before killing them? #protip
2013-01-17 02:05:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Handle with care” is just suggestion. Just chuck it in the back of the truck like whatever.
2013-01-17 02:05:38
@pzmyers: @MockTM THose were black characters. You don’t need to know them before you kill them.
2013-01-17 02:05:53
@laencleardale: @MockTM Excuse me while I let my attack dog run loose through the area…
2013-01-17 02:06:20
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM SNAUSAGES!
2013-01-17 02:06:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @pzmyers @drskyskull Remember, horror tropes are in full effect in this one.
2013-01-17 02:06:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That is one angry looking fertility statue.
2013-01-17 02:07:24
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM it’s Paris Hilton’s body double!
2013-01-17 02:07:37
@pzmyers: @MockTM Who’s there? THE DOG, stupid.
2013-01-17 02:08:00
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Filmed on location… wherever we could.”
2013-01-17 02:08:10
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Bitch alert!
2013-01-17 02:08:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “My insurance doesn’t cover hormones. We have a no-natural-disasters clause.”
2013-01-17 02:08:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM Brunette is snide. She’s gonna die for that.
2013-01-17 02:08:51
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Bitch stereotype alert, I mean
2013-01-17 02:08:52
@drskyskull: @MockTM “My insurance doesn’t cover hormones.” Now it does… thanks to… OBAMACARE!!!
2013-01-17 02:09:01
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “my insurance doesn’t cover whores- I mean hormones”
2013-01-17 02:09:19
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM But I did save 15% on my insurance by switching
2013-01-17 02:10:23
@drskyskull: @MockTM These girls do have it rough… I’m pretty sure they got their dad directly from the 70s.
2013-01-17 02:10:41
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Call ME when this movie is over
2013-01-17 02:10:44
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM His Farrah Fawcett hair is MINE
2013-01-17 02:11:31
@laencleardale: @MockTM No one pours bottle beer into a red cup…the point of cups is for kegs, this movie is so unrealistic…
2013-01-17 02:11:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s some happening music they’ve got going there. It’s like Mambo Number Five mashed up with some random dance crap.
2013-01-17 02:11:34
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, man, brunette is so gonna die.
2013-01-17 02:11:39
@drskyskull: @MockTM Are we going to have to listen to 1.5 hours of high school girls and jock guys? HOLY SHIT, THIS *IS* A HORROR MOVIE.
2013-01-17 02:11:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Barely-of-age girl in slow motion slow pan up — she’s dead.
2013-01-17 02:12:22
@laencleardale: @MockTM Clear beer from a brown bottle???
2013-01-17 02:12:29
@pzmyers: @MockTM these girls are all underage. I feel dirty watching them gyrate.
2013-01-17 02:12:32
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Was that a 13 year old dancing? Creepy
2013-01-17 02:13:12
2013-01-17 02:13:32
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Hey — Sam! Wanna come die horribly with us? You’re gonna have a good time, I promise.”
2013-01-17 02:13:42
@pzmyers: @MockTM The blonde girl is not drinking, not acting slutty, and is abused by her sister. She’s going to live, isn;t she?
2013-01-17 02:13:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @drskyskull This movie is about your worst fears coming to life, see. High school is pretty much exactly that for me too.
2013-01-17 02:14:26
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Hush @pzmyers she’s going to live because she’s not drinking AND she has a boy’s name
2013-01-17 02:15:03
@drskyskull: @MockTM Was I that annoying and personality-devoid at that age? I want to build a time machine and go punch myself, just in case.
2013-01-17 02:15:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I have keys. And also this door isn’t latched anyway since I just bumped it and it swung half a foot.”
2013-01-17 02:15:20
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “It took me so long to get that down” – that’s what she said
2013-01-17 02:15:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Entitled douchebag in the peace shirt dies first.
2013-01-17 02:16:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa sweet! They have a Van de Graff generator, AND a Tardis!!
2013-01-17 02:17:16
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM They forgot the 10th fear: being stuck in a crappy movie… forever!
2013-01-17 02:17:22
@laencleardale: @lousycanuck @MockTM Are you joking…horror movie, minority or slutty girl first…
2013-01-17 02:17:22
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM that Keep Out sign must’ve paid a pretty penny to get so much screen time
2013-01-17 02:17:23
@drskyskull: @MockTM So they left the party with the dancing & booze to go to an abandoned warehouse? They need to die, just for the principle of it.
2013-01-17 02:17:35
@CyberLizard: @MockTM “There’s a lot of expensive stuff in here. Don’t touch anything.” That’s what she said
2013-01-17 02:17:38
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Don’t touch it — TABOO!” #BradyBunchHawaii
2013-01-17 02:18:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM What is the market for a fancy elaborate haunted house in a fixed location, anyway?
2013-01-17 02:18:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, Token Black Guy, would you stop manhandling the evil idol please?
2013-01-17 02:18:42
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Let’s scare some girls.” “Okay — I’ll tell her about our likelihood of getting into college!”
2013-01-17 02:19:19
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Peace shirt guy has a job? I thought “hipster douche” was full-time?
2013-01-17 02:19:22
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Let’s go scare some girls.” IT’S THE INTERNET! I get enough of this every day.
2013-01-17 02:19:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude, she’s wearing all sorts of makeup. So are you.
2013-01-17 02:20:11
@drskyskull: @MockTM “What’s your big fear?” “Getting a hairstyle that would be popular after 1978.”
2013-01-17 02:20:32
@pzmyers: @MockTM The makeup fear? I suspect evil clown foreshadowing.
2013-01-17 02:21:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM AAAAH IT’S A JACK IN THE BOX
2013-01-17 02:21:15
@laencleardale: @MockTm I have had a long term fear of corners…
2013-01-17 02:21:18
@CA7746: @MockTM Aaah! Books!
2013-01-17 02:21:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh hell on wheels, it’s Vigo the Carpathian!
2013-01-17 02:22:25
@drskyskull: @MockTM @CA7746 A TEENAGER’S WORST FEAR!!!
2013-01-17 02:22:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Leave him, he’s a hermaphrodite!” And you… you can definitely die first, asshole.
2013-01-17 02:22:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM Please kill hipster douche soon. Please.
2013-01-17 02:23:07
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck My greatest fear is that this will be “Ghostbusters II”.
2013-01-17 02:23:28
@CyberLizard: @MockTM I get the feeling that hipster douche and Sam will be the final survivors.
2013-01-17 02:23:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ohhh, don’t touch the sides! *bzz* Butterfingers!! It’s Horror Operation!
2013-01-17 02:24:17
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM thank Hades she won’t be chawing that damn gum anymore
2013-01-17 02:24:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh don’t even try to make us like the characters, just get with the murdering.
2013-01-17 02:24:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM that was a fear? I hope the next 8 are a little more entertaining.
2013-01-17 02:25:10
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM There’s numbers involved- please let someone’s head end up in a box…
2013-01-17 02:25:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Broseph? This guy cannot die soon enough.
2013-01-17 02:26:06
@drskyskull: @MockTM Next 3 fears: getting Slushied in the cafeteria, not making the cheerleading squad, and totally being grounded on prom.
2013-01-17 02:26:19
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM This is a HORROR movie…. right?
2013-01-17 02:27:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you my mummy– OH MY NARDS”
2013-01-17 02:27:54
@drskyskull: @MockTM “This is a house of lame.” Yes. Yes, it is.
2013-01-17 02:28:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM Flashlight. Next, he’s going to hold it under his chin and scare EVERYONE. Yay!
2013-01-17 02:28:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Kinda defeating the fear of the dark with that Mag-Lite there, “broseph.”
2013-01-17 02:29:28
@pzmyers: @MockTM He seems relatively unperturbed after getting kicked in the nads.
2013-01-17 02:30:01
@drskyskull: @MockTM If I wanted to have a night of boring high school experiences, movie, I would reminisce over my yearbook!
2013-01-17 02:30:25
@CyberLizard: @MockTM @lousycanuck That’s it. You have to change your twitter handle to @broseph
2013-01-17 02:30:50
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM If someone doesn’t die soon, I’m invoking the Lemon Law
2013-01-17 02:31:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’d like to see something scarier than a jack-in-the-box.
2013-01-17 02:31:33
@laencleardale: @MockTM Let’s just get this night over with…yes…please….yes…
2013-01-17 02:31:50
@drskyskull: @MockTM OMG A ROLLING EMPTY PAINT CAN #WorstFearNumberFour
2013-01-17 02:31:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Neat binding on that book.
2013-01-17 02:32:07
@pzmyers: @MockTM We’re a half hour in. Nothing has happened yet.
2013-01-17 02:32:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh good, Broseph is the weakest link. Murdered by a mannequin.
2013-01-17 02:33:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM This is about as scary as Cloud Atlas
2013-01-17 02:33:31
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Well, that shouldn’t happen.” “Well, it did.” That’s what he and she said!
2013-01-17 02:33:49
@lousycanuck: @CyberLizard @MockTM I might, if it wasn’t taken. @broseph
2013-01-17 02:34:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look, I know you just got your arm half hacked off, but I gots blue balls here.”
2013-01-17 02:34:45
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers *Ahem* They’re developing char-a-cter! *said in snooty voice*
2013-01-17 02:34:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM @LousyCanuck scores with an accurate prediction of the first fatality. I’m gonna guess…black guy is next.
2013-01-17 02:35:30
@drskyskull: @MockTM Killed by a mannequin? Is this movie a prequel to the modern Doctor Who series?
2013-01-17 02:35:44
@laencleardale: @MockTM Dude…you’re 5′ nothing and screamed at a Jack in the Box…you are sooooo no saving her.
2013-01-17 02:35:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM If it’s not a joke, and he’s really dead, then she won’t be pissed.
2013-01-17 02:36:47
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Hey, everybody — what’s the number for 911?”
2013-01-17 02:36:57
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM he ate too many Starburst
2013-01-17 02:37:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, there is no other way!” “There’s always another way! Start by digging straight up or straight down!” “No you fool!!!”
2013-01-17 02:37:05
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Try rubbing it against your chest and then put it down your pants.”
2013-01-17 02:37:38
@pzmyers: @MockTM Modern horror movies are required to have a scene when the cell phones are shown not to work. Here it is.
2013-01-17 02:37:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey where’s Candice?” “We have to go back for her!” “But there’s someone back there!” “Yeah, no shit! CANDICE!”
2013-01-17 02:38:39
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers It would be more realistic if the phone worked, but the contact list was erased & they couldn’t remember anyone’s number.
2013-01-17 02:39:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh that’s right, fall for the same mummy trap twice lady. Natural selection.
2013-01-17 02:39:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Indy!” “Short Round!!”
2013-01-17 02:40:01
@drskyskull: @MockTM “House of Fears”? More like “House of Minor Annoyances”! AmIright, folks? Eh? Eh?
2013-01-17 02:40:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Killed by land sharks. Wotta way to go.
2013-01-17 02:41:10
@laencleardale: @MockTm Is that wheat? Cause I’ve always been terrified of being buried alive in wheat…oh it’s barley, nevermind.
2013-01-17 02:42:01
@pzmyers: @MockTM at the rate that sand is flowing, she ought to be OK for the rest of the movie.
2013-01-17 02:42:08
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM ROUSs!!
2013-01-17 02:42:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, why’s this horror movie trope always gotta pick ’em off one at a time?
2013-01-17 02:42:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM They just wanna give her a hug.
2013-01-17 02:42:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “God dammit, get out of the way, you don’t know how to work a damn key. Let me mansplain… man.”
2013-01-17 02:43:23
@CyberLizard: @MockTM I once spent a summer working as a hand grabbing people from the sand. It’s not as glamorous as you’d think.
2013-01-17 02:43:28
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Move the injured girl around as much as possible, there ya go
2013-01-17 02:43:35
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck We should make a horror movie where everybody gets crushed under a boulder in the first 10 minutes.
2013-01-17 02:43:35
@laencleardale: @MockTm I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it’s not ok.
2013-01-17 02:43:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh no! Windows 98! MY WORST FEAR EVER!!!”
2013-01-17 02:44:14
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why is she telling her to stop? SHe’s only been out for a minute.
2013-01-17 02:44:33
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Ermergerd! Teers!
2013-01-17 02:44:38
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Push it in farther, and turn it!” *George Takei voice* Oh, myyyyy…
2013-01-17 02:44:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh gods, it’s a password guessing scene…
2013-01-17 02:45:30
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Fire marshal is a little lax in that town if there’s only one door.
2013-01-17 02:45:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Remember, together, forever, and never a-paaaart
2013-01-17 02:45:45
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers There was barely any blood flowing to her brain *before* the suffocation… #trueofentirecast
2013-01-17 02:45:47
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Swordfish”.
2013-01-17 02:46:46
@pzmyers: @mocktm “Password”.
2013-01-17 02:46:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Black guy gots a gun, so surely the evil spirits will chase him down and kill him on sight while on the phone with 911.
2013-01-17 02:47:36
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM something we can use as weapons.. You mean BESIDES the GUN
2013-01-17 02:47:39
@CyberLizard: @MockTM @pzmyers All passwords must contain both upper and lower case letters and at least one special character.
2013-01-17 02:47:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, yeah. Radial saw as a weapon. Maybe something will happen.
2013-01-17 02:48:28
@laencleardale: @MockTM We have to take care of the girls…you mean the ones you didn’t already leave behind?
2013-01-17 02:48:36
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck … and the NRA just came out in favor of new gun restrictions, for some reason.
2013-01-17 02:48:37
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM @CyberLizard @pzmyers This movie has “special” characters, alright
2013-01-17 02:48:44
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Right. The Insane Asylum is totally where I’D put an emergency exit.
2013-01-17 02:48:44
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait, she gave it up for a flashlight?
2013-01-17 02:48:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’s he saying?” “I think he’s saying ‘call my agent.'”
2013-01-17 02:49:53
@drskyskull: @MockTM Lord Voldemort! Fear Number 5: being sued by J.K. Rowling.
2013-01-17 02:49:55
@laencleardale: @MockTM Seriously…could this movie be any more fake?? A man using a map???
2013-01-17 02:49:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM OOOH. Plywood coffin, boring dummy. I’m scared. Cheap props are always terrifying.
2013-01-17 02:50:31
@LalSox: @mocktm wait, what!? Since when is mocktm on Wednesdays?
2013-01-17 02:50:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you Hamadi? Listen to me. Our douchebag friend really wanted to get a message to you a while ago… but he kinda died.”
2013-01-17 02:51:01
@lousycanuck: @LalSox @mocktm We switched two weeks ago. Sorry. Should hopefully be Wednesdays going forward.
2013-01-17 02:51:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What statue?” “The only statue you manhandled, dumbass.”
2013-01-17 02:51:50
@CA7746: @MockTM “You move and I’ll shoot!” … “We don’t want to hurt you.”
2013-01-17 02:52:06
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Awww, I hate seeing Snoop dog cry 🙁
2013-01-17 02:52:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nobody suggested their greatest fear was a fifty-foot Stay-Puft. I AM DISAPOINT.
2013-01-17 02:52:55
@CA7746: @MockTM “The statue can RE-incarnate your fears.”
2013-01-17 02:52:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why is the black guy wandering off by himself? Hasn’t he ever seen any horror movies?
2013-01-17 02:53:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Gun Kid’s greatest fear is being killed by a ricochet.
2013-01-17 02:53:49
@drskyskull: @MockTM I’m sorry — if this statue brought out their greatest fears, they’d all have really bad acne.
2013-01-17 02:53:57
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yeah, drugs cause wounds and bleeding.
2013-01-17 02:53:57
@laencleardale: @MockTM Sure blame it on the black guy…
2013-01-17 02:54:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sam’s greatest fear is one Dr. Crane.
2013-01-17 02:54:18
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers Reefer Madness!!!
2013-01-17 02:54:37
@CyberLizard: @MockTM “Being suffocated.” “That’s what she said.”
2013-01-17 02:54:39
@CA7746: @MockTM If I only had a BRAINSSS…
2013-01-17 02:55:41
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM What is your fear?
2013-01-17 02:55:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM That’s realy tough cord.
2013-01-17 02:55:54
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM SNAUSAGES!!!
2013-01-17 02:56:33
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Puppy!!!
2013-01-17 02:56:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, and none of you are melee class. Not even Barbed Wire Bat guy.
2013-01-17 02:56:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Her fear is tractors.
2013-01-17 02:57:25
@drskyskull: @MockTM “I’m afraid of not being afraid… suck on THAT, evil statue!!!”
2013-01-17 02:57:26
@laencleardale: @MockTM How do you stick barb wire to a metal bat?
2013-01-17 02:57:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now whose fear is being annoyed to death by beeping?
2013-01-17 02:57:45
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’m not gonna let anything happen to you” = “You’re DEFINITELY gonna die”
2013-01-17 02:57:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM Her fear is WISCONSIN. I can sympathize.
2013-01-17 02:57:59
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Back story? Really? Is that entirely necessary?
2013-01-17 02:58:18
@drskyskull: @MockTM Voldemort is so sick of all these elaborate plots… he thought, “What if I just kill people with a hammer instead?”
2013-01-17 02:59:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Carter was the closest thing to a fighter class they had. OH WELL.
2013-01-17 02:59:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM OK, who had the fear of bald guys wiht hammers?
2013-01-17 02:59:22
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Bull from Night Court finally snaps
2013-01-17 02:59:24
@drskyskull: @MockTM @pzmyers I still personally have nightmares of the stench of cheap beer wafting through the air from the breweries in the morning.
2013-01-17 02:59:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why won’t they ever just break the fun house mirrors like in Enter The Dragon?
2013-01-17 03:00:59
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Your fear is being electrocuted by a scarecrow? Ok, that’s weird, but we can work with that.”
2013-01-17 03:01:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, my fear is an hour of heavy panting with absolutely no release. Think this movie can deliver?
2013-01-17 03:02:35
@pzmyers: @MockTM The black guy is still alive. I’m calling a penalty — clear violation of standard tropes.
2013-01-17 03:02:56
@lovergj4: @MockTM
2013-01-17 03:03:08
@CA7746: @MockTM They’ve repeatedly expressed the fear that they’d ALL die. So…
2013-01-17 03:03:20
@laencleardale: @MockTM Devon we need you, you wasted all those bullets in the door and didn’t reload after forgetting your girlfriend when she tripped…
2013-01-17 03:03:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM C’mere, Lurch just wants a hug.
2013-01-17 03:03:26
@drskyskull: @MockTM “Fear of clowns walking around you in circles? Also weird, but I’ll see what I can do.”
2013-01-17 03:03:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM Clowns coming up, I hope. Evil, scary, imaginiative clowns.
2013-01-17 03:04:01
@pzmyers: @MockTM That’s asking too much, isn’t it?
2013-01-17 03:04:13
@CyberLizard: @MockTM My fear of columns has manifested itself.
2013-01-17 03:04:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, right, this is where we previously established the existence of lumber at the beginning of the movie.
2013-01-17 03:04:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM YOu know, if I was there, I’d be most scared of the trigger happy freak with the gun.
2013-01-17 03:05:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Has anyone else counted Gun Kid’s shots?
2013-01-17 03:05:31
@drskyskull: @MockTM Iiiiiit’s HAMMERTIME!!! #OhOhOhOhOhOhOh
2013-01-17 03:05:33
@CA7746: @MockTM @lousycanuck He’s been reloading pretty well.
2013-01-17 03:06:04
@CyberLizard: @MockTM The big guy does remind me of The Gentlemen. Slightly creepy. Does that count as horror?
2013-01-17 03:06:07
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck I’m pretty sure he’s violated some sort of assault weapons ban.
2013-01-17 03:06:23
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yeah, so they should just scream. That’s how you kill The Gentlemen.
2013-01-17 03:07:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Samantha takes a level in badass.
2013-01-17 03:07:05
@CyberLizard: @MockTM This whole locked-in-coffin thing wouldnt be so bad if this damn light wasn’t in my eye!
2013-01-17 03:07:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM An epic fight scene they couldn’t be bothered to put on film, it’s just so epic.
2013-01-17 03:08:01
@pzmyers: @MockTM That radial saw will be handy for slicing open a plywood box. But a bit anticlimactic.
2013-01-17 03:08:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM Now, finally , they figure out what a saw might be good for.
2013-01-17 03:09:29
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Now what could a man of straw’s weakness possibly be? Let’s see… we’ve tried guns, and electricity… Blunt instruments?
2013-01-17 03:10:14
@pzmyers: @MockTM That was it? Enter, evil clown. Lights out. And…SCENE! Cut! We’re done here.
2013-01-17 03:10:26
@CA7746: @MockTM I dreamt I was in this terrible movie…
2013-01-17 03:10:44
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck Water! Gotta be water.
2013-01-17 03:11:02
@CyberLizard: @MockTM I call foul! We didn’t even get to see the dismembering!
2013-01-17 03:11:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @drskyskull Churches! Gravy!!
2013-01-17 03:11:27
@pzmyers: @MockTM ANd now….big fight scene, radial saw against evil bald guy and….darkness! Sound effects! Done!
2013-01-17 03:12:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “To reach the grail we have to make a leap of faith. Leap… of faith…”
2013-01-17 03:12:33
@drskyskull: @MockTM @lousycanuck Gilbert & Sullivan showtunes! Books whose titles begin with the letter “S”!
2013-01-17 03:12:38
@laencleardale: @MockTM Evil can find you anywhere in the building…just not if it’s in the same room…
2013-01-17 03:13:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t look down! Don’t look back! Don’t put your foot where there isn’t solid material! Pushy, pushy!”
2013-01-17 03:13:36
@drskyskull: @MockTM *insert obligatory “give the man a hand!” joke for scarecrow here*
2013-01-17 03:14:00
@CyberLizard: @MockTM How much did Ryobi pay for this product placement?
2013-01-17 03:14:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Destroying the evil statue didn’t just, you know, make the evil spirits even more pissed off? Okay, sure.
2013-01-17 03:15:20
@drskyskull: @MockTM REAL brave, Sam! “I’ll lead the way — you stay back there with the killer scarecrow!”
2013-01-17 03:15:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “See, Sam? I told you you’d have fun! And we even got rid of some of our more annoying friends.”
2013-01-17 03:15:53
@CA7746: @MockTM Sam! Sam! Sam! Maybe if I say it again…
2013-01-17 03:16:32
@CyberLizard: @MockTM “I didn’t hack bald guy to pieces just so you could wus out over a little bridge! Move your ass!”
2013-01-17 03:16:49
@drskyskull: @MockTM “So… what the F was that all about?”
2013-01-17 03:18:20
@CA7746: @MockTM *sigh* Still not over. There’s an extra scene after the credits.
2013-01-17 03:18:28
@laencleardale: @MockTM What’s the German word for a bad movie that isn’t even bad enough to warrant cult status?
2013-01-17 03:18:29
@pzmyers: @MockTM Man, that was easy. Just drop the statue and supernatural horror is defeated.
2013-01-17 03:18:34
@pzmyers: @MockTM Goddamn you. Damn you right to hell. RT @CA7746: *sigh* Still not over. There’s an extra scene after the credits.
2013-01-17 03:19:06
@drskyskull: @MockTM Moral of the story? If you dump your girlfriend in the middle of a haunted house, you’ll get electrocuted by a scarecrow. The End.
2013-01-17 03:19:41
@laencleardale: @pzmyers @MockTM @CA7746 My deepest fears are realized!!!!!
2013-01-17 03:19:43
@pzmyers: @MockTM Where did this thing originally air? On Lifetime, or the Oxygen network?
2013-01-17 03:19:58
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Sisterly bonding. How sweet. Don’t worry about how seeing all your friends die I front of you will scar you for life.
2013-01-17 03:20:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Two sisters learn the meaning of family…and life.”
2013-01-17 03:20:30
@laencleardale: @MockTM Why are there so many stand ins???
2013-01-17 03:20:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This title music could be the only redeeming quality of the entire film. Except for the bullshit scary face.
2013-01-17 03:20:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seariously, the guy on the title card was “Sir Not Appearing In This Film”.
2013-01-17 03:21:21
@CyberLizard: @MockTM The really sad thing is that now this piece of crap is in my netflix database and they’ll try to show me crap like it.
2013-01-17 03:21:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CyberLizard Rate it low. Then go trolling for one-star movies like I do. 😀
2013-01-17 03:22:22
@laencleardale: @CyberLizard @MockTM My second worst fear realized!!!!
2013-01-17 03:22:39
@drskyskull: @MockTM I just realized I wanna write a horror movie that’s set on an HGTV “House Hunters” episode that’s gone horribly wrong.
2013-01-17 03:22:39
@CyberLizard: @MockTM @lousycanuck I just did and netflix responded: Sorry, we don’t have any suggestions, based on this rating. Winning!
2013-01-17 03:23:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lesson for the movie: balance your party members and re-roll anyone who ends up with a 3 in Charisma like Broseph.
2013-01-17 03:23:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM The final scene after the credits is going to redeem the rest of the crap, right? RIGHT?
2013-01-17 03:23:18
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s all indoors, but filmed in Utah nonetheless.
2013-01-17 03:23:20
@drskyskull: @MockTM Anyone else? Moral of the story?
2013-01-17 03:24:30
@drskyskull: @MockTM The final title card of the film looked like “House of Feats”.
2013-01-17 03:24:49
@laencleardale: @drskyskull @MockTM Be nice to your stepsister or all your friends will die.
2013-01-17 03:25:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, it’s a *little* film. No wonder there wasn’t much to it.
2013-01-17 03:25:16
@CyberLizard: @MockTM Moral, chicks rule boys drool? Or get electrocuted, strangled or slashed open?
2013-01-17 03:26:02
@CA7746: @MockTM Scarecrows are formidable when nobody has fire.
2013-01-17 03:26:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM The moral of the story: I’m outta whiskey, need to get more tomorrow.
2013-01-17 03:26:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Morals: it’s perfectly okay to lie about spiders being in the movie. We didn’t have the budget for them anyway.
2013-01-17 03:27:31
@CA7746: @MockTM They did say the haunted house had some bugs.
2013-01-17 03:27:58
@CyberLizard: @lousycanuck @MockTM To be fair, there were spider WEBS, which implies the existence of spiders.
2013-01-17 03:28:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM didn’t they also say there were NINE fears, when all we got was a couple of boring “meh”s?
2013-01-17 03:28:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The only genuine scare I got was the first jack in the box. Seriously.
2013-01-17 03:29:14

Mock The Movie: House of Fears transcript
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